MiST 60 – WHite Christmas

1348719142123431The MiSTers do battle with a Pokémon  fan fiction written by their old nemesis, Too Hyper. A MiST 4 years in the making. Can the MiSTers handle the latest assault on their Christmas time or will they fold against the horror of another Too Hyper fic?

Want to know more about MiSTing? Read Star’s Guide to MiSTing and educate yourself.

Disclaimer:

I don’t own any copyrighted characters, series or songs. Which should be obvious, because I didn’t copyright them. I didn’t write this fic. If I wrote it then I would have broken all of my fingers and canceled my net access to save the rest of humanity.

My intellectual property in this MiST is the witty remarks, my MiSTers, and the lovable mad. My characters are used only with my permission. Do you remember what happened to Schmuck? I do.

This MiSTing is NOT a personal attack on the author. It’s an attack on their terrible writing. This is not meant to be even slightly constructive, instead it is meant solely for the amusement of others.

It’s important to learn to laugh at ourselves. Don’t take life too seriously.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MiSTers!

Melanie Bryce – The real way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cavity.
Dominick Dante – Uhhh, I came with Mel.
Gwenavere Donovan – Walk softly and carry a palm pilot.
Jarred Zion – Strangers are just friends that you haven’t met!
Deangelo Desiderio – Grumpy is the only one of the seven dwarfs I understand.
Tempest Lucki – I’m not a nymphomaniac, I’m a sex addict. There’s a difference.
Kalinda Beckham – Yes, that’s right, I’m the only remotely normal person here.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(The MiSTers are in the conference room decorating a Christmas tree. Rosie is sitting under the tree chewing on one of her new play toys.)

Jarred: Do we need more tinsel on this side?
Kalinda: I think we’re good on this side, but we need some more ornaments.

(Deangelo conference the conference room looking quite pleased with him.)

Deangelo: Look what I found. (He opens a box and pulls out a brilliant, sparkly star.) This will be perfect for the top of the tree.
Jarred: (*_*) It’s so shiny…
Dominick: I’ll put it up.

(Dominick takes the star and steps onto a very unsteady box. He finishes placing it and when he steps back to admire his work, the box crumbles and he falls over, knocking Melanie down in the process.)

Dominick: Ow!
Gwen: See, I told you that Christmas was a dangerous season.
Kalinda: (Helping Melanie up.) Don’t worry, Mel. Nothing can go wrong today. We finally got the Christmas that we always wanted.

(All MiSTers sigh happily.)

Melanie: Should we open presents now or do you want to wait until after we eat dinner?
Deangelo: Let’s eat now. By the way, I invited the Union Leader over to celebrate with us.
Gwen: The Union Leader?
Dominick: You remember, the one that negotiated with M so that we could celebrate Christmas. (He pauses and remembers something.) But then M said that we could have our Christmas and we MiSTed a horrible Christmas fic in the middle of April… Then she was gone and we never celebrated Christmas that year…
Melanie: Yeah, he really didn’t so us that much good, now did he?
Kalinda: (Shrugging.) Well, he tried.
Jarred: Besides, the more the merrier, right?
M: So my invite must have gotten lost in the mail.

(All of the MiSTers jump and whirl around to see M standing in the doorway. Rosie gets up, dragging her chew toy behind her and walks over to M.)

Jarred: (O_O!!) Don’t sneak up on us like that!
Deangelo: Oh good, the Grinch has arrived.
Gwen: It wouldn’t be Christmas without her, you know.
Dominick: Why, M? What did Christmas ever do to you?
M: I told you all that we were going to MiST today.
Melanie: Yeah, we were hoping that you weren’t serious. But you always make good on your threats.
M: At least I’m consistent.

(Jarred suddenly realizes something and looks around the conference room.)

Jarred: Where’s Tempest?
Kalinda: Yeah, where *is* Tempest?
Deangelo: Funny how we didn’t even notice that she was missing until now.
Dominick: I thought it was strange that no one had suggested hanging thongs on the tree.
Gwen: Yes. I wonder where she is.
Melanie: Do we have to find her? That could take hours. Have you seen the size of her little black book?
Dominick: Yeah, it might as well be a Stephen King novel.
M: Come on, guys. I can find her. Have a little faith in me.
Deangelo: Do you have her tagged?
M: Nah. (She picks up Rosie and walks over to the conference room computer.) I can track whatever stories and characters have been active lately. Seeing as none of them should be active, it’ll be pretty easy to find her. (She sits down and begins typing.)
Jarred: You could write a bit more in one of our stories, you know? Just a little bit. I mean, everyone else has decent stories. I was a side character in one that went nowhere very quickly. You didn’t even spell my name right AND I was a total silly face AND got myself kidnapped from a girl who was just like Melanie.
Melanie: Just like me? Who the hell is this? There’s only room for one Melanie around here!
Deangelo: Yes, there is no way that we could handle two.
Gwen: I concur.
M: (Sighing deeply.) The girl in question was Pansy Isadora Madison, AKA Isis and yes, that story went no where, because it didn’t make any sense.
Deangelo: That’s never stopped you before. And I should know, my story didn’t make any sense either.
M: You know, you’re really not motivating me to write some new stories for you…
Dominick: (Humph!) Fine then.
M: (M squints at the computer.) WTF?
Jarred: What’s wrong?
M: She’s in one of Mahogany’s stories.
Melanie: Who is Mahogany and why is she getting stories when we aren’t?
M: Mahogany is a detective that lives in Chicago. (She starts typing.) I can’t imagine why Tempest would be in her story.
Kalinda: Is Mahogany hot?
M: She’s reasonably pretty. I didn’t want someone so cute that no one would take her seriously.
Deangelo: Well, are you going to go after her?
Jarred: Yeah, we can bring her back. And maybe Mahogany can come too and she can be our new friend! (^_^)
M: (-_-;;;) I’m afraid to let any of you into the story.
Dominick: (Innocently.) But why?
M: I’ll just try a summon. If that doesn’t work then we’ll have to try something else.

(M continues to type, then presses the “Enter” key firmly. Nothing happens.)

Gwen: …
Deangelo: Did it work?
Kalinda: Is there supposed to be big flashing lights or something?

(Suddenly, there are big flashing lights and a trans-story time vortex opens. Tempest, wearing only her underwear, crashes into Jarred and falls onto the floor.)

Jarred: (O_O!!!!) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Jarred runs out of the conference room as Tempest sits up and looks around. Dominick clamps his hands over his eyes.)

Tempest: I’ll have you know that I was in the middle of seducing one of the detectives.
M: Tempest, you can’t go popping into other people’s stories. You’ll mess up the time story continuum. Then we’ll have more problems than just the elevator being broken. (M looks around.) Great, now that we have Tempest back, Jarred is missing.
Kalinda: I’ll go find him. Just put some clothes on Tempest.
Tempest: I shouldn’t have to put clothes on! I’m a hot, sexy woman! Everyone should be able to view my delicious body!
Melanie: Everyone does view your alleged delicious body. We’re sick of seeing it.
Tempest: (;_;) You’re sick of my delicious body?
M: Tempest, just go change so we can MiST. We’re going to have Christmas dinner afterwards. So hurry up. People are hungry. (M straightens her hair and glances at the other MiSTers.) Let’s head off to the conference room.

(M and the MiSTers head out. Rosie follows them, dragging her new favorite chew toy after her.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

M: (From the control room.) Is everyone here?

(There is a chorus of yeses.)

Tempest: I’m here with my delicious body!
M: (From the control room.) That’s nice, Tempest. Here we go, kids!
Rosie: (From the control room.) Mew!

>WHite Christmas part #1

Dominick: Stay tuned for the next chapter; BLue Christmas.

>by: Too Hyper

All MiSTers: (Screaming in unholy fear.) NOOOOO!!!!
Gwen: I don’t remember a lot about the MiSTs, but I remember this asshole!
Melanie: Yes, he’s man good.
Jarred: (^-^) Man good!

>(i’m back, muhhahahhaha)

Melanie: (Waving her fist.) Damn you! Damn you!
Kalinda: On Christmas?! This has got to be filed as cruel and unusual punishment. . .

>Toohyper:i will be the stupid narrator because i can’t afford anymore narrators(j/k)

Dominick: Can’t afford any decent jokes either. . . .

>DEC 23, 2000

Gwen: This is over eight years old!
Kalinda: Yeah, it’s probably started to rot already.

>Ash: i think we will have white christmas this season because it snow alot already

Deangelo: (Rubbing his temples.) Yes, having a lot of snow kind of implies that it’s going to be a white Christmas.

>(in NYC, there were alot of snow espiacilly yesterday, DEC 22.)

Jarred: Where is New York City in relation to Pallet Town?

>Misty:i love snow
>Brock:what i really want for Christmas is girlfriend

Dominick: Unfortunately, Santa doesn’t gift wrap them. You have to find one yourself.

>Ash: (sweatdrop) okay……..
>Misty: what do you want for Christmas Ash?

Kalinda (Ash.) A personality.
Melanie: (Ash.) A brain.
Jarred: (Ash.) A happy fluffy bunni.
Deangelo: (Ash.) A love that will linger on through the ages.
Dominick: (Ash.) A subscription to GQ.
Gwen: (Ash.) My two front teeth.
Jarred: (^_^) Awww, that was so cute, Gwen!

>Ash: i dunno, maybe a small battery TV because i still didn’t saw a single football game yet

Dominick: So now they play football? I thought the only sports they had involved Pokémon.
Jarred: Yeah, that would be like characters on Yu-Gi-Oh! playing tennis.
Tempest: (^_^) Yeah, just imagine Pharaoh in those tight shorts.

>Misty: yuck, you like one of those hard hitting sports?

Deangelo: It’s better than curling.
Melanie: D, any sport is better than curling.

>Ash: yeah, in fact, i even played in a football team in elementary school before i start my pokemon journey

Gwen: There are so many things that are wrong with this sentence that I don’t even know where to start.

>Man: excuse me?

All MiSTers: What do you want?

>Ash: yes
>Man: are you people travelers?

Kalinda: (Ash.) Yeah, that’s why we’re traveling.

>Ash: yes, why?
>Man: well, i’m a salesperson and if you want a small battery TV, come to the WIZs.

Dominick: Well, isn’t that convenient?

>Misty and Brock falls down

Melanie: Both landing on the concrete below and rendering themselves unconscious.

>Ash: no thanks

Jarred: But he just said that… he… he wanted… Never mind.

>Man: oh man (sadly) i still didn’t sell a single thing in 59 days
>Ash: wow, you must be a really bad salesperson

All MiSTers: (>_<) …… >Man left
>Ash: i feel bad for him

Gwen: Then you could have bought the freaking TV from him. Especially since you JUST said that you wanted one anyway. (She pauses.) Wait, why am I acting like this fic is supposed to make any logical sense?
Deangelo: I was wondering the same thing.

>Misty: who cares

Deangelo: Good question. Well, it’s not really a question, seeing as there’s no question mark.

>Ash: let’s go to the Pokemon center to rent some beds
>Brock: okay

Jarred: I thought that the Pokémon center was only for Pokémon. Hence the name “Pokémon center”.

>Pokemon center
>Ash: wow, nice room

Kalinda: Yep. It’s a very nice room. You can just tell by the detailed description that it’s a lovely room.

>Misty: yeah
>Ash: guys, i’m going to sleep

All MiSTers: Good night!

>Misty:wait, no
>Ash: why not?
>Misty: let’s go shopping

Melanie: Shopping? Shopping for what? Pokéballs?
Jarred: Well, those things don’t buy themselves.

>Brock: yeah and i’m gonna help Nurse Joy (laughs like a idiot)

Tempest: Ooo, my kind of help. (^_^)

>ash and Misty has a sweatdrop

Dominick: And they decide to name it Ethel.

>Ash: do i have to?
>Misty: yes

Gwen: Ah, I see that Misty is still maintaining her tight psychological grip on Ash.

>at shopping mall
>Misty: isn’t this coat pretty, huh ash?

Kalinda: Yep. It’s a very pretty coat. You can just tell from the detailed description.

>Ash fall asleep standing up

Deangelo: Then Ash fall over.

>Misty: (mad) Ash wake up

Melanie: (Ash.) Pikachu go, bitch slap attack!

>Ash: sorry
>Misty: so do you like this coat?

Gwen: Why the hell should he care?
Tempest: Yeah, guys should only have opinions when shopping for lingerie.
Dominick: Well… that actually —

(Melanie gives him a glare… of death!)

Dominick: Never mind.

>Ash falls asleep again
>Misty: (getting madder) wake up Ash Ketchum
>Ash: i’m really sorry

Deangelo: Yes, I’m sure that he is.
Melanie: I hate it when people apologize for things that they’re not actually sorry for.
Gwen: I don’t like it when apologizing is just an automatic reaction
Jarred: I never understood why people say “I’m sorry, but I’m not apologizing.”

>Misty: if you are really sorry, tell me if this coat is pretty or not?
>Ash falls sleep again for the third time

Tempest: Move on, this is getting old! You could at least make out or something.

>Misty: (really Hyper) (screams)

Dominick: Uh…
Kalinda: Cover your ears!!!

(All MiSTers jam their fingers in their ears.)

>waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeee
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppppppp AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH

Jarred: (Taking his fingers out.) Is it over yet?

>Ash: aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Jarred: Ahhh!
Deangelo: (Taking his fingers out.) Okay, I think we’re safe now.
Jarred: Yeah, *you’re* safe.

>everyone looking at them
>Misty: what are ya looking at

Melanie: Two irritating anime characters stuck in a bad fic.

>everyone starting to ignore them
>Ash: i’m really sorry

All MiSTers: No you’re not!

>Misty: what’s wrong with ya today?

Tempest: (Ash.) I can’t get no love.
Kalinda: (Ash.) I can’t get no satisfaction.
Melanie: (Ash.) I can’t get no sleep.
Jarred: (Ash.) I can’t get no happy fluffy bunnies.

>Ash: i’m tired
>Misty: oh yeah, then if you are tire, then let me make you not tired

Tempest: (Sniffs the air.) I sense sex!
Others: (>_<) … >Misty kiss Ash on his lips

Tempest: (o.o) Oh. Well, maybe not sex. Maybe just a peck… on the lips…

>Misty: (shocked by her action)

Dominick: Um, kissing isn’t an involuntary muscle spasm. You are actually aware of what you’re doing.

>her thought: great, now what?

Melanie: (Talking through a bullhorn.) Remove your lips and step away from the anime character. This is your only warning.
Jarred: (0_0!!) Where did you get that from!?
Melanie: M had this laying around. I think she’s practicing.
Gwen: Practicing for what?

(Melanie turns the bullhorn over. The word “Bridezilla” is written on the handle.)

Others: (Nodding.) Ohhhh…

>i know he likes me back but i think it’s such a bad idea

Kalinda: I agree. It’s always a bad idea to tell someone that you like them because then they tell you that they don’t want to go out with you and then you’ll never get married because who the hell wants to live on this fucking satellite with the rest of these lunatics and… !! (Kalinda looks around.) Sorry.
Gwen: No, you’re not.

>Ash: His though: shall i kiss her back or shall i faint?

Tempest: Kiss her back! Kiss her back!

>faint is my choice

Tempest: Damn it! I’m so sick of these fan fictions. There could at least be some sex in one or two. Come on, M, have a heart!
M: (From the control room.) Okay, okay, we’ll MiST a lemon.

(Everyone except Tempest pauses.)

Melanie: You do realize what you just did, right Tempest?
Tempest: Yeah, I spiced things up for us! You can thank me later.
Jarred: Tempest, because of you we have to now MiST some horrible lemon.
Deangelo: Maybe we could have avoided MiSTing all together, but now we have to MiST and not just MiST, we have to sit through another physically impossible, inanely unintelligent, mentally scarring lemon.
Tempest: Oh… I’m getting the feeling that you’re all mad at me.
M: (From the control room.) Now, now, don’t be too hard on Tempest. There would come a time when we would MiST a lemon.
Tempest: Heh, M said “hard”.

>Ash fainted
>Misty: uh oh
>Ash woke up

Deangelo: To find himself surrounded by dead bodies.
Melanie: Feeling dark today, D?

>he was in his bed

Tempest: I would say something but I’m not going to.
Kalinda: Good.

>Ash: was this a dream?

Gwen: I wish.

>Misty: no sorry

All MiSTers: No, you’re not!

>Brock: (laughing) Misty i still don’t believe you kissed him

Kalinda: Oh look, Brock is back. Maybe he was there the whole time. Maybe he just entered the room. We have no way of knowing because of the total lack of direction!

>Misty: shutup you trashing eating male escort

All MiSTers: (O_O!!!) Uhhhh!
Dominick: Male escort? Who calls someone a male escort, let alone when you’re trying to insult them?
Deangelo: I’m guessing that this person’s first language is not English. If that’s so, then maybe he knew a word in his native tongue and didn’t know the English equivalent. If that’s so, then maybe he ran it through a translator and the phrase it came up with was “male escort”.
Jarred: Wow, you’re really smart, Deangelo.
Deangelo: Yes, I know.

>Brock: (shocked) wow, thanks alot, i feel better.

Gwen: (-_-) Is he supposed to be shocked or sarcastic? Maybe Brock takes that as a compliment.
Tempest: Well, if he’s a good male escort then it could be a compliment.

>i’m a male escort. yahoo

Kalinda: I have no idea.

>Ash:now what Misty?

Jarred: (Ash.) Let’s go to Disney World!

>Misty: i dunno
>Brock: i do

Dominick: He does? Wow, it’s so rare that Brock knows anything.

>Ash: what?
>Brock: you both could go out on a date? that seems a good idea

Tempest: Yay, a date! They kissed and they’re going out on a date. They’ll be screaming each others names by the end of the fic.
M: (From the control room.) Don’t bet on it.

>Misty: (blushing) pretty good to me if you are fine with that Ash?
>Ash: okay

Kalinda: (Ash.) If Brock says that it’s a good idea then it must be a good idea.

>so that night they went out on a date

Jarred: And they went to a Pokémon gym and battled their little hearts out!
Melanie: That’s so utterly romantic.

>Ash: so, tell me about your life Misty?

Tempest: (Misty.) Before or after my sex change?
Dominick: (O_o) Ew…

>Misty: well, my dad died in a car accident when i was 6
>Ash: me too. my dad die when i was 6 in a car accident but where?

Gwen: I am overcome with a feeling of foreboding.
Jarred: (Tugging on Gwen’s sleeve.) What’s “for boating”?
Gwen: (-_-;;;) Wait and see.

>Misty: in Vertakomontpelier

Melanie: How the hell do you pronounce that?
Dominick: It’s like he took the name of several towns and shoved them all together.

>Ash: what? (shocked) that’s where my dad died too.

Kalinda: I’m getting a feeling of for boating as well.
Deangelo: (>_<) I really hope that this is not going in the direction that I think it’s going in. >do you think this has some kind of connection

Deangelo: No! Drop the subject! Talk about Pokémon!

>Misty: maybe. what month did he died?
>Ash: in Janaury i think

Jarred: Ohhhh, I think I know what for boating is now…

>Misty: mine too

Tempest: Eww! I just got it.

>Ash: help me out here Too Hyper

Kalinda: (o_0?) What?

>Too Hyper: you guys really wanna know

Deangelo: Well, he did say that he couldn’t afford a narrator.

>Ash n Misty: yes
>Too Hyper: well okay. yes it does have a connection.

Melanie: Here we go…

>in fact, they both crashed together and fall off the mountain

Gwen: Hey wait, this isn’t it.
Dominick: Lookie! He didn’t say that their dads were the same person and that makes them incestuous little perverts!
Deangelo: Well, I’ll be damned.
Jarred: (^-^) And I’ll be Jarred.

>Ash: oh my god
>Misty: (really shocked)really?

Tempest: Hey, maybe their dads were lesbian lovers and their moms decided to knock them off because they were jealous.
Kalinda: Their DADS were lesbian lovers?

>Too Hyper: people, Ash and Misty’s relationship might be in Jeopardy

Melanie: Dude, they don’t have a relationship. They’re not even halfway through their first date and already they’re in crisis?
Kalinda: Even my relationships last longer than that.

>Stay Tune for the next episode of White Christmas

(All of the MiSTers look around cautiously.)

Jarred: Is… is that it?
M: (From the control room.) Yep, that’s it, kids!
Melanie: Yay!!! Can we have Christmas now!
M: (From the control room.) Sure, I just finished up Christmas dinner, so let’s go eat.

(All of the MiSTers stand and cheer. They are about to leave the theatre when Deangelo pauses.)

Deangelo: Wait, what if this is a trap?
Jarred: (;_;) A trap? On Christmas? But M wouldn’t do that?
Gwen: Why not?
Melanie: Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(The MiSTers carefully enter the conference room and are shocked to find a full Christmas dinner spread out on the conference table. M is sitting at the end of the table chatting with the Union Leader. They both look up when the MiSTers enter.)

M: Hey guys, have a seat, I just finished the ham.
Dominick: (Sitting down at the table.) So nothing is going to jump out at us, right? And you’re not going to suddenly make us MiST a lemon?
M: Nah, come on, don’t be so suspicious.
Jarred: (Pointing at a dish at the opposite end of the table.) What’s that?
M: Roasted crappy hentai.
All MiSTers: (O_O!!!!) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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