Don’t talk, just screw

This isn't porn, I just needed a photo.

Tim and I recently were feeling frisky, so we put on one of the porn videos that I got for free when I ordered some stuff from Adam and Eve. I had only seen an actual porn movie once before, all previous viewings of porn was done in clips via the internet. The clips didn’t have any conversation or plot, most usually started after both actors were completely naked. However, the movie I had watched before contained a painfully silly set up.

So bland that I didn’t even get to the sex in one scene because I was getting the tingly feeling in the back of my head that I get when my IQ is dropping. I was hoping that this porn would be better. But the setup definitely wasn’t. The movie starts with a male, off screen, interviewing a young girl. She says that she’s 18, “just 18”, and only recently graduated high school. The man asks if she’s Mexican and she says that she is. He then calls her a “Sexican” and when she doesn’t understand, explains that it’s a combination of “Sexy” and “Mexican”.

The man keeps asking her silly questions while the camera zooms in on her breasts and goes up her skirt. The girl gives pointless, flirty responses that seem to satisfy the interviewer. The talking went on for what felt like hours. I was starting to get bored and couldn’t stop laughing at this painful “interview”. When the girl started taking her clothes off, I thought that we were finally getting somewhere. But no.

The guy had to continue asking her questions while she made her boobs jiggle and touched herself. Finally, after almost twenty-five minutes of mind-numbing chatter, a man emerged from off camera, completely naked and fully erect and the actual sex starts. The sex part was okay. A little too much moaning for my taste. I hate really repetitive sounds, so listening to the girl saying, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…” more than Chantelle Houghton after she won Big Brother was rather annoying.

Afterwards, I thought about it and realized how far superior I found the internet clips of porn. I don’t need a story in my porn. I don’t care about plot or character or what kind of underwear the actress is wearing. I don’t watch porn for entertainment. I have Netflix for that. But most of all, I really don’t want porn stars to talk in porn. It has nothing to do with the sex that I’m watching the porn for. Just get down to the fucking and keep the conversations to yourself.

Addendum: I once wrote about watching porn on my personal blog and an (anonymous) commenter sarcastically criticized me for claiming to be a feminist while I was watching porn. Of course, the person who left the comment didn’t have the balls to put their name on it, but for everyone’s information, there are pro-porn feminists. I am one of them. I find porn interesting and I do consume a tiny portion of it. I also see nothing wrong with men enjoying it if that’s what they’re into.

Porn is not inherently anti-women and it doesn’t prevent women from having equal rights. Porn is consensual sex acts between two adults and watching porn, like playing video games, is not going to make you violent or sexist. Until I see credible proof that porn is bad for people, causes violence, contributes to sexism, etc, I’m not changing my opinion. As always, I will convert for evidence.