The MiSTers are struggling to master M’s new House MD video game when she calls them away for a MiST. Will their newfound medical skills help them to navigate the nonsensical world of their MiST, where guardian angels die, get reborn, date the people they’re supposed to be guarding and fall in love after being around someone for a few hours? Will they give up when the descriptions of a tedious date stretch into TL;DR territory? All these questions and more are answered in MiST 91.
Want to learn more about MiSTing? Read Star’s Guide to MiSTing and educate yourself.
I don’t own any copyrighted characters, series or songs. Which should be obvious, because I didn’t copyright them. I didn’t write the story being MiSTed. My intellectual property in this MiST is the witty remarks, my MiSTers, and the mad. My characters are used only with my permission.
This MiSTing is not a personal attack on the author. It’s an attack on their terrible writing. This is not meant to be even slightly constructive, instead it is meant solely for the amusement of others.
It’s important to learn to laugh at ourselves. Don’t take life too seriously.
Melanie Bryce – The real way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cavity.
Dominick Dante – I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.
Gwenavere Donovan – Walk softly and carry an iPhone.
Jarred Zion – Strangers are just friends that you haven’t met!
Deangelo Desiderio – Grumpy is the only one of the seven dwarfs I understand.
Tempest Lucki – Hey, you’re cute. What are you doing after the MiST?
Kalinda Beckham – Yes, that’s right, I’m the only remotely normal person here.
(The MiSTers are all wearing white lab coats, except for Deangelo, who is wearing a t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. They are all standing around the conference room table looking at x-rays and medical charts. M enters with Rosie.)
M: Uh, hi guys, what’s up?
Dominick: (Speaking in a bad Australian accent.) What’s up is our patient’s BP. If we knew the why, we might be able to figure out what’s wrong.
Kalinda: We need to ask ourselves, what links heart, kidneys, liver, and decreased motor functions?
Tempest: We should run an echo on his heart. There has to be some kind of blockage in one of the values. That would explain everything.
Gwen: How would a heart value problem explain decreased motor function? We need to focus on where the disease is going and fend it off before it destroys anymore of his organs.
M: Uh huh. And who is your patient?
Jarred: (Running back over to the gaming nook and examining the screen.) Miles Kent. He presented with shortness of breath, problems moving and grasping objects, and dark urine.
M: So that’s where my new House MD video game went. Where did you get the lab coats?
Deangelo: (Speaking in a gruff American accent.) They thought they needed lab coats to play. I got to be Dr. House as I’m the most intelligent person here.
Melanie: No, you got to be House because you’re the crankiest person here. Tempest got to be Thirteen because she’s bisexual and I’m stuck being nobody because there weren’t enough girls on the team.
Dominick: I told you that you could be Taub. Why weren’t you happy with that?
Melanie: I didn’t want to play the old balding Jewish guy!
M: Well, you’re going to have to hang up your doctor clothes for a while. You have to MiST.
Gwen: But what about our patient? He might not last the night!
M: Just pause the game and you can come back to it when you’re done. I promise nothing with happen to him.
(Suddenly, the Xbox 360 starts beeping and an alert lights up the screen. The MiSTers race over to it.)
Tempest: He’s going into cardiac arrest!
Gwen: Quick, we need a crash cart in here!
Dominick: Push four milligrams Lorazapam!
(The MiSTers pick up their controllers and start frantically pressing buttons.)
(Jarred carefully applies the paddles to the patient’s heart and shocks him.)
Kalinda: It’s not working, try it again!
Melanie: Still v-fib, go again!
Deangelo: Live, damn it! Live!
(On screen, the character’s tongue rolls out of his mouth. The screen then goes black and the words “Declare Time of Death” fade into view.)
M: Well, looks like you lost him.
Jarred: (Breaking down.) No!!!! No!!!! We have to try again! Clear! Don’t die, you bastard, don’t die!
Kalinda: (Putting her hands on Jarred’s shoulders.) You have to let him go, Jay. You have to let him go.
Jarred: (Sobbing.) But he was so young!
Dominick: I don’t think Jarred is going to make it as a doctor.
Tempest: Can we play something else now? I can’t remember the last time I wore this much clothing. It’s so uncomfortable.
M: Yeah, let’s go MiST, then you can come back to your game later.
Jarred: But he’ll never get another chance! What am I going to tell his wife?!
M: You actually have to inform the next of kin in this game?
Deangelo: (Shaking his head.) Of course not. Jarred just takes this game entirely too personally.
M: (Patting Jarred on the back.) I’m sorry, little Jarredlita. But it’s time to go MiST.
Jarred: (Snuggling into M.) Okay, let’s go MiST.
M: Come on, kids, let’s go!
(M and the MiSTers exit the conference room.)
(The MiSTers emerge into the theatre to find their favorite selections from Panera Bread sitting on their regular seats.)
Tempest: Yay, mac and cheese!
Gwen: Soup in a bread bowl? Heaven!
(The MiSTers sit down and start eating.)
M: (From the control room.) Everyone ready?
M: (From the control room.) Here we go!
>I Can Save You, I Promise.
Gwen: But can you save us from this awful story?
>I’m a guardian angel.
Melanie: Please tell me this isn’t going to go into a bunch of deranged theology! My face will melt if it does.
Dominick: Melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark after the ark was opened?
Melanie: Exactly like that.
>I look after Xzavior Trumper.
Kalinda: Which is totally not a ridiculous name. Not at all.
>But i was born in 1880.
Deangelo: Uh, I don’t think she did her math correctly.
>yeah, im 130 years old.
Gwen: If you’re 130 then you’re NOT 18.
Kalinda: I think she means that she looks like she’s 18 even though she’s 130. Like Edward Cullen. Because why be immortal if you’re going to look like a yucky old person?
>but i’m already dead.
Deangelo: Then how is she talking to us now?
Dominick: (O_O) She’s a zombie! Zombie emo!
Melanie: Run for your lives! Save yourself!
Jarred: Uh, I don’t know. Why are you asking me?
>Chapter 1. Victoria-Alicia’s P.O.V
>My Heart Is Just Dying.
Tempest: I thought she was already dead.
> I felt his tears falling on my marble, cold, pale, dead Cheeks. I’d been his, his whole life. I didn’t know this was going to happen….
Gwen: ….Well, good to see this story upholds the high level of emo quality we have encountered thus far.
> His guardian angel.
> He screamed. He yelled, hebegged, he prayed for me to stay with him
Melanie: So….. His guardian angel is dead and he’s bummed.
Kalinda: But how could she have been his guardian angel if she was alive?
Jarred: Do angels even die?
Deangelo: The Bible never actually states that angels are immortal. However, I’m not sure that humans can be or are ever aware that they have a guardian angel, according to theology
> It was too late. I was already long gone.
> I wanted nothing more than to go up and kiss his tear stained cheeks.
Tempest: I’ve heard of going down, but going up? Why am I the last person to hear of this?
>To grab his hand and sit in his lap. To have him hold me again. I miss him so much already. I love him. As god took me back to heaven, i cried.
Kalinda: Wait, God is taking her *back* to heaven? So she’s been to heaven before?
Deangelo: I think the author is trying to say that she was already dead, then she became this young man’s guardian angel, then she died, again, now she’s headed back to heaven. Probably to get a very stern reprimand for dying on the job.
Kalinda: That still doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense…
>I know i’d miss him so much, I’m his guardian anngel again. I’d look over him. Forever.
Gwen: So she dies while looking after this young man, she goes to heaven, then goes right back to what she was doing originally? Why bother taking her back to heaven then?
Melanie: Yeah, heaven doesn’t seem to be run very efficiently.
Dominick: Yeah, happiness.
Jarred: Well, V to you too. Very nice to V you.
>Hello Fellow Earthlings.
>I’m Xzavior Trumper.
Tempest: And I’m Tempest! Hey, are you over 18?
Melanie: Is that a new pick up line?
Tempest: Hey, I’m not making the same mistake again. I learned my lesson about younger guys.
>I Im a band Called Panic’s Written On Your Face.
Dominick: Which has no similarity to the band Panic at the Disco. Totally different.
>And Right Now, My Life Sucks.
Deangelo: Welcome to the real world?
>Why Am I Even Here Telling You This…?.
Jarred: You needed to kill some time in between gelling your hair and applying eyeliner?
>Hey, Stuff It Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine.
Tempest: Not without buying me dinner first.
Tempest: Well, maybe just a cocktail.
> My music career couldn’t be any better. But you know there’s always a negative side.
Kalinda: Like the groupies willing to have sex with you and the screaming fans that would do anything just to talk to you.
Melanie: Not to mention the millions of dollars he’s making and the freedom to do anything with that money that his little teenage heart desires.
Kalinda: Yeah, I can see why his life would suck.
Dominick: Meanwhile, we’re stuck here on this fucking satellite being kept prisoner by an insane Leopardita! Our lives suck, man! OUR lives!
>Like Spencer. In Fact, i have an interview today with him. You know, those magazine interviews where they try to get rivals to like each other.
Gwen: Is this what all the kids are into these days?
Kalinda: I read all kinds of magazines and I’ve never heard of that kind of interview. Besides, most people want celebrities to talk shit about each other and start drama, just so they have something to report on.
> “Xzavior show starts in 10,9,8” My brother announced.
> “Got it. Thanks Zander.” I replied. I am dreading this interview.
Deangelo: (Xzavior.) I haven’t figured out who I’m supporting in the next Hunger Games.
>I am afraid something bad is going to happen. And Oh, guess what…?. I was Right.
Dominick: (Xzavior.) He asked me a question using a word that was more than three syllables! I didn’t understand what he was saying! I panicked!
> “Spencer, Is there anything you would like to say to Xzavior..?.” The reporter said, trying to be bright.
Kalinda: Hey, ask him who the vice president is. Just to see what happens.
> ” Yes.” He smiled cruely and turned to me. ” Would you like to pratice/make oral sex on me..?.”
Tempest: Practice slash make oral sex…. That’s a new one.
> “Oral sex..?.” I wishpered hurt.
> I felt tears slide down my face. I ran away.
Dominick: Well, I guess he doesn’t want to practice or make oral sex on him.
>I ran to my dressing room without stopping. Rein And Bryson stood outside of the door. I heard the reporter chick talking to bryson.
Jarred: She was asking him when Xzavior was going to be over his temper tantrum.
> “Is Xzavior okay..?.” She clicked her heels together.
Melanie: (Reporter chick.) I mean, Spencer just made a standard homophobic gay joke like millions of boys do all over the world. It’s not like it’s something that he’s never heard of before.
> “I don’t know man. He seems pretty upset.”
> I got up from my chair, heading to the camera’s outside of my room. I was still crying.
Tempest: Does anyone else get the feeling that Xzavior’s name was supposed to be Xavier, but the author didn’t know how to spell it correctly?
M: (From the control room.) I wouldn’t put it past the author, however there is a baby name entry for Xzavior which theorizes that it could be an Arabic version of Xavier.
> “I am fucking tired that people judge me as i look or paint me.
Jarred: They…. Paint him? With the colors of the wind?
>I’m not a homosexual!!!!” I screamed out.
Dominick: Yeah, but you ARE a fucking drama queen.
Deangelo: As if being gay is a bad thing anyway. At least gay men aren’t all whiny, emo boy who can’t take a single ill-formed insult without exploding into tears.
> I slammed my door and locked out everybody near me. I cried for a while. I put my head into my hands. There, i waited to wake up from this ugly dream.
Gwen: This is an ugly dream? I’d hate to see what he thinks of a day where he runs out of chap stick.
>I heard the door quietly open and then click shut. I thought it would have been Zander, rein, Or Bryson, but it was a girl.
Kalinda: By the time he looked up, she already had her panties off.
> She was normal sized,
Deangelo: Compared to what? A dollar bill? A beluga? A can of tuna fish?
>skinny, pale, and brown eyed. She had long black hair that completed her image. She looked breathe-taking. She was so beautiful. She took a step toward me.
Melanie: He didn’t even see her pull the gun from behind her back. All he knew was that he was suddenly laying on the floor with blood dripping from his ears.
>I got butterflies. But i had to open my stupid mouth.
> “Come to call me gay or judge me..?.” I barley whispered.
Tempest: Barley and hops; beer. Now I’m thirsty.
> She hestianley(sp?) held out her hand. Out of instinct, i took it. She looked into my eyes and mouthed “no.” We stared at each other intensley(sp?) for a minute.
Deangelo: Sometimes I wonder whether it’s better to rewrite sentences in order to avoid words that you can’t spell or just spell them incorrectly and make your reader aware that you have no idea how to spell or use a spell check.
>I felt some connection then shhok that thought off. She squeezed my hand then let go of it. She narrowed her eyes. My eyes were still watering, and i blinked back the tears.
Dominick: (Xzavior.) Want to make my penis cry?
>She put her fingers on my cheek and pushed away my tears. I blushed. “uhg, i am crying infront of a beautiful girl.” I thought.
Tempest: Better than crying in front of ugly ones?
>her finger’s lingered at my cheek for a moment before talking.
> “Im Victoria-Alicia. Victoria-Alicia Muller.” She introduced to me.
Jarred: (Victoria-Alicia.) For short you can call me Victoria-Alicia.
>She gigled and held out her hand again. Her voice made me want to melt.
> “Xzavior Gray Trumper.” I took her hand again. And she smiled.
Dominick: Whelp, time for someone to get pregnant.
>She locked her brown eyes on mine again. Then the door opened and a crowd of people came in.
Tempest: They all wanted to practice slash make oral sex on him.
>She let go of my hand and dissapeered into the crowd. She oly looked back once to smile at me.
Deangelo: (Xzavior.) She mouthed the words, “Salmon are in my hairpiece. Wash the zombie killer.” Then I realized I was really bad at lip reading.
> Then I didn’t see her for a long time. Her and her memory started to fade.
Melanie: After their touching moment and everything? How cruel.
>(Sorry, if your a fellow bill kaulitz lover. I needed to make the begginning intresting.lol.Im so sorry.
Gwen: Uh, did she mention Bill Kaulitz in the story?
M: (From the control room.) Nope.
Gwen: Wait, what was Xzavior’s rival’s name again?
M: (From the control room.) Spencer. Not Bill.
Gwen: Then why in the world did she…. you know what? Never mind. It just doesn’t fucking matter.
>And Sorry that the names are german to.’ shrugg’
Jarred: Why would it matter that the names are German?
>I Just Can’t Forget You.
Kalinda: Hey wait, the author just wrote that he did forget her. Continuity!
> For a while now i’ve fought to remember her memory. I even had a search party!
Dominick: He sent out a search party for a missing memory?
Gwen: Was that supposed to be funny?
Deangelo: I hope not.
>But they always came back with the same answer,……..nothing.
Jarred: Which is also the answer to the question, “What part of this story makes any sense?”
> “Xzavior, wake up. We got to go to the studio in an hour.” Said Rein and threw a pillow at me. I groaned and turned over.
Deangelo: (Xzavior.) I have to make more music to earn money and fame and the attention of girls everywhere? Ugh, do I have to?!
>He threw another at me, and i finally gave in. I looked at the clock, 6:00 am. I don’t talk or sing before 8, because my voice hasn’t woke up yet.
Dominick: I know what you mean. I don’t talk before 10am. My voice just needs its time to wake up.
Gwen: Like you could manage to drag yourself out of bed before 10am.
Dominick: Well, there’s that too…
>Yeah, i know it sounds weird but hey, that’s just me.
Dominick: Exactly, it’s just me! I’m just a unique artist that needs freedom to express myself.
>It took me 30 minutes and then i got in the limo. I fell asleep, dreaming about her.
Tempest: (Xzavior.) I dreamt she was covering my naked body in chocolate and whipped cream. Then, right when she was about to start licking it all off, my phone rang and woke me up. It was an automated voice asking me about my political opinions.
> We were walking on the beach, and she was singing. We were holding hands. When we got to the end of the beach, i kissed her. She smiles.
Melanie: Then Freddy ripped through the dream world, decapitating her in one swift slice of his blade glove.
Dominick: Best emo dream sequence ever!
>Her eyes lighting up and fixed them on me. Then the skies turned gray. Sucking her into the sudden darkness. Then she was gone. The skies turned blue again.
Jarred: You know, this is a pretty boring dream.
Kalinda: Would you prefer a Blood Lust-esque dream?
Jarred: Well no.
Kalinda: Then just be thankful for boring.
>But i felt sad and lonley. She left me here. Alone. Leaving me wondering where she was. Where was she…?.
Deangelo: Perhaps you should have gotten her phone number, genius.
Gwen: I still don’t understand why a guardian angel would be interfering with his life anyway. What was she trying to accomplish by meeting him for that brief moment?
> I opened my eyes quickly. I left myself wondering what the dream was about.
> “Dude you okay..?.” Bryson asked.
Tempest: (Xzavior.) Not with this darkness in my soul!
>Who sat across from me. Apperently not missing what happened.
Melanie: Uh, did something happen? He just woke up from a dream. What happened?
>I nodded. We were at the studio now. I was dreading today. I don’t know why though. My throat killed. yesterday, we recorded the song i wrote for her.
Deangelo: Anyone want to attempt a rendition?
Gwen: No! No one start singing! It’s bad enough we have to MiST, I don’t want to hear anyone’s idea of a whiny, emo song.
Melanie: Too bad, I actually have a very pleasant singing voice, you know.
> I haven’t talked since 8 yesterday night. My throat feels like its on fire. They told me to sing, but i couldn’t. i tried to talk but i couldn’t. I guess i lost my voice then.
Dominick: Lost his voice!? How will he ever survive?
Jarred: What is he going to do without his soothing vocals to woo the ladies!?
Kalinda: A comment on the entire story, perhaps.
>My manager took me to the hospital and they said i had to get sugery. I started to cry when they said i might not get my voice back.
Tempest: Wait, what’s wrong with his voice? Does he had bad lymph nodes or something?
Deangelo: Do we EVER get an accurate medical explanation for what happens to emo heroes and heroines?
Tempest: Well, no. But they could make up something really silly sounding for us to laugh at.
>Then, as my tears ran down my face i saw her again. realization flowing through me. She looked even more beautiful than before.
Jarred: Non sequitur!
Jarred: It’s a non sequitur. I just learned that phrase and I’m working it into my vocabulary. Isn’t that great?
Tempest: Yeah, great.
> Victoria-Alicia’s P.O.V
> He needed a miracle. So I gave it to him.
Gwen: So all of the people who die tragically or have bad things happen to them just have derelict guardian angels?
>”Where have you Been…?.”
Dominick: I’ve been right here, MiSTing with everyone else. You can’t prove otherwise!
> He sat on the far edge of his bed, oblivious to the world around him. I sat down by him. His eyes reed and puffy from crying. His hair covered his face.
Melanie: Good to know that he cried about it first. Have to rule out the best path of action before you try anything else.
>I pushed it away, and her wiped away his tears. He looked up at me. His facial expression turned from sad to startled but happy.
Dominick: Why does his “startled but happy” look manage to be exactly like my “constipated” face.
> “Victoria-Alicia…?” It was really nice hearing his voice. It made me want to kiss him. I smiled at the fact that he remembered my name.
Melanie: Which was interesting, considering that he just went on and on about how he didn’t remember her.
>”Where have you been..?.” I wanted to tell him the truth, in hneaven.
Kalinda: But that would just seem weird.
>But i bit my tongue. I ignored his question. He didn’t mind that i dodged his queston but then he suprised me. “Are you real…?.”
Deangelo: (Victoria-Alicia.) Depends. How many pain killers are you on?
>I nodded my head. I stared into his brown eyes.
> But im an angel. A guardian angel. I can’t get emotionally attatched.
Gwen: Then why on earth are you interacting with him? This story doesn’t make any sense. Guardian angels are supposed to watch from afar, not go on dates with the person they’re guarding.
Jarred: Yeah, this girl is never going to get Guardian Angel of the Year.
>He already has a soul mate, and there’s no turning back now.
Tempest: He already has a soul mate? Then she doubly shouldn’t be interfering.
> At the most perfect moment, his manager came into the room. He gave a strange look to me and then at xzavior. but Xzavior didn’t noticed he handed me his phone.
Dominick: On the phone was a timer and it was almost out. Suddenly, the ground shook as an explosion rocked the building, Victoria-Alicia and Xzavior barely had time to —
M: (From the control room.) Dominick….
Dominick: Fine, fine.
>And i put my number in it. I’m going to be here on earth for a while so i didn’t care or think about what i did.
Gwen: A very mature outlook on life. I can see why this girl was made a guardian angel.
Deangelo: Yes, you’d think that after being around for 130 years this girl would have picked up some knowledge and experience. I guess not…
> “I’ll call you soon.” He smiled beautifully, it sent chills up my spine. I smiled and mouthed bye. he walked out of his room.
Jarred: (Victoria-Alicia.) Which I thought was weird as he was supposed to be recovering in bed.
>Emptiness filled through me.
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia.) I was filled with emptiness until I sunk into my misery and was bobbed horribly in the current of discontent.
>”Well, I Can’t Say I’m Not Suprised, That You Said Yes!”
Gwen: (Rubbing her temples.) I can’t say that you’ve ever successfull completed an English class…
> I quickly dialed her number, that i already memorized by heart. I kept calling then hanging up. Yeah, i chickened out.
Dominick: Are we somehow living in a world without caller ID now?
>”Alright Xzavior, no backing out. Call her now.” I told myself. I started dialing her number, my heart beating faster than was expected. I put the phone to my ear.
Melanie: He then had to sit through a four minute ringback of emo pop hits.
> “Hello” She sang.
Jarred: It turns out she was in the middle of singing her favorite opera.
> “Hay, um it’s Xzavior.” I paused.
Gwen: Hay? Are crappy writers still making that mistake?
Deangelo: It *is* for horses.
> “Oh, Hey Xzavior. Uhhhh What’s up…?.” Her voice filled the silence.
Gwen: Now wait, she spelled it right there. What’s going on?
> “Not much. Hay, um, listen there’s a Black Veil Brides concert Saturday.
Gwen: Nothing like consistency….
Kalinda: She probably didn’t know which one was correct and figured if she used both then at least one of them would be right.
>And, i was, uh, going to go. Well, i wanted to know if you want to go with me. Or something.” I paused. “Unless, you have other plans….” I muttered.
Deangelo: (Victoria-Alicia.) Um, I have to shampoo my hair.
Jarred: (Victoria-Alicia.) My cat needs to be taken for a walk around that time.
Dominick: (Victoria-Alicia.) I’m attending a conference on nuclear fission.
> “Oh, Xzavior. That sounds amazing. I would love to go.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
Deangelo: I wonder if going to the concert of his target audience is really the best idea. Won’t he be mauled by groupies and end up signing autographs the entire night?
> “Oh. Great. So i’ll uhhhhh, pick you up saturday then….?” I asked. Hoping she wouldn’t back out.
Kalinda: Hey wait, unless it’s Wednesday or before, she can’t say yes. Doesn’t she know The Rules?
> “Sounds Great.” She paused for the moment. “I Can’t wait till then.”
> “Uhhhh, ohkay. Then Bye Victoria-Alicia.” She Said “bye” then hung up.
Jarred: If she gets pregnant at the concert then she can name the baby Black Veil.
> I waited to hang up until i heard the dial tone.
>I started jumping up and down on my bed, while screaming “yes.” My femmine side coming out again.
Dominick: So jumping on your bed and screaming “yes” is a girly thing to do? Well damn, I just did that after I beat Melanie at Call of Duty.
>Wow, he finally asked me out.
Kalinda: (Victoria-Alicia.) I better take my weekly shower.
>I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it would work out between us. He couldn’t be happy with me.
Gwen: So then why are you dating him exactly?
Tempest: Because she has NEEDS! She’s a woman, after all.
Gwen: She’s a 130-year-old guardian angel who is not supposed to be messing with the person that she’s guarding, but she’s doing it anyway.
>His guardian angel. But for some strange reason, i can’t let myself, let him get away.
> I love him.
> It’s so wrong. I hate myself.
Deangelo: Well, that explains it all.
>And She Said.
Dominick: Was this a “that’s what she said” joke gone wrong?
> Saturday hit like a roll of lighting.
Melanie: If you don’t understand similes, just don’t use them.
>First thing I thought when i woke up today was, I get to see her today. I got up and got ready. As i was putting the finishing touches on my make up she called.
Dominick: Dude, you should never take more time to get ready than your girlfriend. It’s against man code.
Deangelo: I don’t think this young man is a strict adherent to any code except emo.
> “Hey.” I said into the reciver.
> “Hay, I just wanted to know when i should be ready by.” She mumbled.
Tempest: (Victoria-Alicia.) I’ll need about another three hours. I have a second layer of tan to apply and I haven’t even started putting on my adhesive bra.
> “Oh um, By 5…?.” She said she was already ready and gave me her adress. “Your already ready..?. Then why did you call…?.” I laughed.
> “Uhh. I’ll see you later.” she dodged my question. I laughed and we said our goodbyes. Then, i hung up. I got in my car and drove to her apartment.
Melanie: She lived in a condo in heaven with a view of children’s limbo.
> When I got there she was sitting on the steps of her apartment building. I got out of my car and slammed the door. She got up and i hugged her.
Jarred: She then slapped him in the face for being so forward. The rest of the night was rather awkward.
>We didn’t say anything until we got to my car. I opened the door for her.
> “thanks.” She blushed and looked down. I blushed a little too.
Tempest: Oh yeah, this date is going to be fascinating.
> “So what’s up Victoria-Alicia…?.” I asked trying to make conversation.
> “Nothing, but please, call me Vikki.”
> “Vikki.” I announced.
Deangelo: Oh good, they’re on a first name basis now. This date is going swimmingly.
Gwen: Wait a moment, the last chapter was chapter 7. M, you mixed up the chapters!
M: No, I didn’t. The author mixed up the numbers. I triple-checked the story and all of these chapters are mis-numbered from now on. Not that they were very well numbered before now…
>These Butterflies Just Won’t Go Away.
Dominick: Try shooting them with an air gun.
> He showed up at my apartment in a new black truck. Like i wasn’t nervous enough.
Jarred: Oh goodie, I was hoping we’d get to hear the same story again, just from her point of view. That always makes for a much more in depth read.
>Very gentleman like,he helped me off the the stairs and he opened and closed the car door for me.
Kalinda: Then he pulled my hair out of my face and cut my meat for me.
>When he sat down on his side, i realized how close we were. I got butterflies.
Tempest: Of course, “butterflies” is the street name for chlamydia.
>I put my hand in the middle of our sears as he was pulling out and then he held it.
Melanie: In the middle of our sears? Wait, they went to Sears. Why? Did he need power tools?
>I blushed. I miss being human sometimes.
Jarred: I still don’t get how this works. So Victoria-Alicia isn’t human, but everyone else thinks she is. But she’s not. So what makes her not human? I always thought that guardian angels would watch people from afar, not go to concerts with them. I’m so confused.
M: (From the control room.) Just smile and nod. The author never explains it in the story anyway.
>We eventually pulled into an italian restaurant.
> “You didn’t eat, did ypu..?.” He asked.
> “Nope.” I smiled.
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia.) I devoured a baby a few hours ago. That should sate my hunger before I need to consume a family with innocent children.
> “Good.” He smiled, satisfied. He got out the car and helped me out again. He grabbed my hand and led me inside. We sat down at a table in the back.
Jarred: Didn’t even wait for the hostess. How badass are they?
> “Okay, 2o questions. These are mandatory.” I demanded.
Dominick: (Victoria-Alicia.) How long has it been since you’ve gotten an AIDs test and how long is it?
Deangelo: I can understand the first question as it has to do with health and wellbeing. The second however….
>Xzavior smiled and rolled his eyes.
Gwen: I’d roll my eyes too at such a request.
>Then locked them on mine. I looked down. He smiled and the whole entire world lit up.
Melanie: I learned later that the “lighting up” part was all due to a radiation spill at a local chemical plant.
> “Fave color…?.”
Deangelo: Really? That’s her super important, mandatory question?
Gwen: What a waste of breath. Your favorite color says nothing about you as a person. You might as well ask what kind of shampoo they use.
> “Purple, Black, and Kinda like Orange.”
Tempest: Well that has given her fresh insight into his personality and life goals.
> “Same here.” I laughed. “Uhh, Fave movie…?.”
> “Anything Scary.”
Jarred: Expelled? That movie scared me.
> “Me too.” I told him. “Haha um, Music…?.”
Melanie: Anything with someone whining about how hard it is to be young, white, straight and middle class?
Gwen: Wait a minute, that’s more than 2 questions!
> “Anything Screamo, Rock, Or Alternative.”
> “Same here. Let’s try to find something that we don’t have in common.”
Kalinda: (Victoria-Alicia.) Well, ha ha, I’m wearing a bra and panties!
Dominick: (Xzavior.) Oh well, then we do have something else in common.
> “Ohkay, My turn.”
Dominick: (Xzavior.) What’s your favorite kind of sausage?
Kalinda: (Xzavior.) Who is your favorite Sailor Scout?
Jarred: (Xzavior.) How do you like your latte at Starbucks?
> “Your turn to answer my questions. And answer them truthfully.” He paused and grabbed my hand. “Do you like me?”
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia, thinking.) How many ways can I say no!?
> He put me on the spot and sadly, i loved it.
> “Positive.” He smiled.
Deangelo: I can see why they like each other. It’s just because they’ve spent so much time together, you know, getting to know each other, learning about each other’s interests, bonding over activities. Oh wait, no, that’s not right. They haven’t spent any time together at all and the only thing they’ve confirmed are their favorite colors and what kind of annoying music they listen to.
> “Then is this a date…?.”
Gwen: That wasn’t established before now?
> “Only, If you have other plans.” I barley even whispered.
> He kissed my hand.
> “Does this make you my girlfriend then…?.” He kept his eyes on mine.
Tempest: Slow down, you teenage lothario. It’s ten minutes into your first date. You might want to actually be around her for more than 10 hours before you decide that you want her to be your girlfriend.
> “Yeah, I believe it does.”
Tempest: (Face palming.) This love is going to linger on through the ages.
> He smiled and that sent me week. My knees grew week, my whole body grew week.
Melanie: Then I grew into a week. Last week of May. It was a fun time. Nice weather, gentle breeze. It was perfect.
>The waitor came and took our orders. I’m sure he could her my voice shaking. It was when she came back with our food that i regained strength.
Kalinda: What is with these emo restaurants with lightning fast service? Every time I go out to eat I have to wait for my food for at least 15 minutes.
> “So i have full permission to take you all over town today.?.” Instead of answering i smiled.
Dominick: Oh good, that’s not liable to confuse him.
>I excused my self and went into the bathroom. I reaplied my makeup and fixxed my fly away hair. I hurry up and reteased some of my hair.
Deangelo: She was in the bathroom for an hour and a half.
>I looked myself in the mirror, and strummed my fingers on the counter. I smiled and walked out of the bathroom.
Jarred: I can’t imagine why she’s so pleased with herself. She’s not supposed to be doing any of this. I wonder if she can actually get in trouble with someone for dating that she’s supposed to be guarding.
> I walked back to the table and i couldn’t believe my eyes. Some many waitors were there flirting with Xzavior, i sat down and the groupies scattered.
Dominick: Yeah, sucks to have a heartthrob boyfriend, doesn’t it?
>”Ddddaaaammmmmnnnn, I was only gone a minutes.” he looked up and i noticed his shades were on, hiding his brown eyes from me.
Kalinda: Seriously? Wearing sunglasses inside? The international symbol of douchebagatry?
>He laughed. I shrugged, dropping the conversation all together. “when Does the concert start..?.” I asked, trying to make conversation.
Jarred: That’s not a good conversation starter. She should ask him about what happened on his best day ever or who inspires him the most and why or, well… Something more interesting than that!
> “Soon.” He replied. I felt a twang in my leg and jumped. My fork flung up making food fly at Xzavior.
Gwen: Oh good, the waitress will just love cleaning that up.
>He looked up, his face was red from trying not to laugh. I couldn’t hold my laughter longer. I burst out laughing and he joined me. “oopsies.” He still looked shocked.
Kalinda: I’ve had some pretty bad first dates, but I always managed to keep my food to myself…
> “Really?” He asked before he threw some of his food at me. “Oh whooops. I’m So sorry.” He emphasized. I laughed and i began a food fight between us.
Deangelo: Truly, they are children, as it never enters into their mind that someone else will have to clean up their mess.
>But i saw somebody famailiar at the corner of my eye.
Melanie: Richard Dawkins?
>It took me a minute to realize that it was Spencer. He walked over here before i could warn Xzavior.
Tempest: Oh goodie. Their first scene together was so riveting, I can’t wait to see what unfolds now.
> “Hello Xzavior” His Face turned into a sly smile. The waitor walked over to us too. She gave Xzavior a flirty smile then gave me an evil look.
Dominick: I hope Victoria-Alicia doesn’t leave the tip. Because if she does, that waitress isn’t getting anything.
>Nobody payed much attention to her, so she left.
Gwen: Because that’s the proper way to serve people.
>Spencer turned to me. “And who’s this Xzavior?” He held out his hand but i ignored it.
Kalinda: (Xzavior.) This is my sponsor. You probably can’t tell, but she has twenty years of hard drinking under her belt.
> “Victoria-Alicia.” He said even though, i knew he didn’t want to. Spencer picked up my hand and kissed it. A chill went down my spine.
Dominick: Douche chill!
>I pushed my hand away. My hand was cold, So i grabbed Xzavior’s for warmth.
Kalinda: His hand was ice cold. Like a vampire’s.
Jarred: Dum, dum, DUM!
>Spencer winked at me and turned back to Xzavior.
> “Xzavior, It’s been so long.” Spencer spat. “Of course my offer still stands.”
Melanie: Wow, he really wants Xzavior to make oral sex on him.
> “Fuck Off Spencer.” Xzavior pouted. I watched as two silent tears ran down Xzavior’s face, into his food.
Deangelo: I hope this young man never plans on joining the military. He would have to take at least five minutes out of every maneuver for crying.
>I had to do Something with all the anger building up in me. But what…?.
Deangelo: Keep crying about it, that’s the only thing you can do in this situation. Why even attempt to be proactive?
Gwen: So we went from chapter 7 to chapter 14 and now we’re on chapter 10. What the hell is going on here?
Jarred: (?_?) What does that mean?
Melanie: I don’t give a fuck.
Jarred: Well, fine. You could have just said you don’t know.
Melanie: (>_<) No, it MEANS, I don’t give a fuck. Jarred: Oh. Okay. Thanks, Mel. > I paid and Made Xzavior go to the car. He wasn’t happy about it but he went.
Dominick: Like a good little puppy.
> “Ohkay, Spencer. What’s Your Problem..?”
Tempest: His problem is he’s dying to get a piece of Xzavior and Xzavior isn’t up for it.
> “Excuse me, but what are you doing with him? I’m a real man, I’ll treat you right.” He stated.
Kalinda: Anyone else find it weird that two big musicians just happen to end up going to the same restaurant together?
Gwen: Perhaps Spencer’s attraction to Xzavior has taken a turn for the worst and he’s actually stalking his love interest.
>I know he was full of lies, So i ignored his question and started walking away.
Dominick: So good to know that Victoria-Alicia can handle her boyfriend’s bully when he can’t manage to do anything other than cry.
>He grabbed my arm. “Here.” He gave me a card with his number on it. i took my lighter out and caught it on fire.
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia.) When the flame reached my fingers I accidently dropped the flaming card in surprise and set the entire building on fire. It was very tragic.
>I put it back on his hands. He screamed ow and dropped it.
Kalinda: That’s what the asshole gets for accepting a flaming card.
Melanie: Maybe she IS going to burn the place down.
>I stepped on it, so it wouldn’t burn the place down.
Gwen: Well, that’s a relief. After all, paramedics and police don’t exist in most of these stories, so why would the fire department?
>I started walking away again but he caught my wrist. “Where do you think your going.?” He asked like he owned me.
Jarred: If Spencer is supposed to be some big musician then why is he so concerned with Victoria-Alicia? Doesn’t he have tons of groupies to satisfy his teenage desires?
>I punched his sly smile and got a tooth stuck in my knuckle. i Took it out and threw it at him.
Melanie: What just happened? I’ve punched plenty of people in the face before and I have never had someone’s tooth get stuck on my knuckle. How is that even possible?
Dominick: No one offer to let her test it out on them! Do not do this for science!
> “Maybe next time youll think about hitting on a girl who has a boyfriend.” I spat at him. “And that’s for Xzavior.” I spit on him and ran to Xzavior’s Car.
Deangelo: Well, that’s the Christian thing to do.
> “Get your ass over here.” I heard spencer say as i got into Xzavior’s car. Who was staring at me wide-eyed.
Jarred: (Xzavior.) Did you deal with the big meanie for me? Please tell me he won’t come after me again! It was so scary!
> “I suggest you get us out of here.” i announced calmly. He took off.
Kalinda: Running, that is. Just left Victoria-Alicia in the car and ran in terror. Leaving only a trail of urine behind him.
> “What the hell’s wrong with your hand.?. What Happened.?.” I laughed at how concerned he was.
Dominick: (Victoria-Alicia.) Oh mere mortal! Your concern is touching. Futile, but touching.
>I explained what happend.
Melanie: Do we get to hear any of that explanation? I still don’t get how someone’s tooth can get caught on someone’s fist after punching them.
>He pulled over to the side of the road and took out a band aid. “Vikki what the hell were you thinking.?.” Xzavior screamed.
Kalinda: Yeah, I mean, she could have been killed!
> “You” I mumbled. He crumpled the band aid wrapper and put it in the door.
> He was so close to me that i felt his hot breathe on my lips.
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia.) I offered him a mint.
>God, did i want him to kiss me. But he didn’t, he sat back down in his seat. He stared into the distance, The sun lit up his eyes.
Gwen: I bet he’s thinking up emo love song lyrics right now. The story of a girl who stands up for her boyfriend who can’t stand up for himself, even against some oversexed pompous windbag.
>I was disapointed but i didn’t say anything. I felt so down to earth right now. I love feeling like a human and not a immortal angel.
Tempest: You know, if I had to pick between the two, I would pick being immortal. Think of how many people I could sex up if I could never die. I’d have to stay young and beautiful, of course.
>Anyways, ive always been so caught up in his eyes and personality that i never really paid attention to anything else.
Melanie: Like his criminal record and his fetish for dressing up like a Catholic school girl.
>I don’t have a care in the world right know.
Jarred: What about global terrorism?
Gwen: What about honor killings in the Middle East?
Tempest: What about starving children in Africa?
>He looked at me and smiled, i blushed. He took off and turned the radio on. The song “Your Guardian Angel” by the Red Jumpsuit Apperatus was playing.
Dominick: Oh look, he turned the radio onto the all-emo-all-the-time channel.
>It reminded me of who i really was, i was about to cry. But, i held back the tears.
Deangelo: Why would you ever do that? Let those tears stream down your face, young lady! Do it with the utmost emo pride!
>I want to tell him, why i am really here. I need to tell him.
> “uh Xzavior, I got to tell you something.” He turned to smile at me for a second.
Tempest: Victoria-Alicia then announced that she was pregnant with his baby after she bought his sperm on an eBay auction.
> “Hmmmm” He answered. I paused to change my mind.
Gwen: I can’t imagine what she was actually going to tell him. Certainly, there has to be rules against revealing yourself to a mortal or… well, rules against most of the things that she’s done since she came into contact with him.
> “Thank You.” I whisphere. He looked at me confused.
Melanie: (Victoria-Alicia.) For your wallet. I borrowed it while you weren’t looking. I’ll give it back after I’ve bought myself some new things. You don’t mind, right?
> “Everything.” I mumbled, crushed. I allowed him to drop the conversatoin all together. We pulled into a candy store. I glanced at him, he was half giggling.
Kalinda: They’re going to miss the concert if they keep stopping at random places.
> “Really Xzavor, Really.” I pointed out.
Dominick: What did she point out exactly?
> “Yess. why not.” He shrugged. I laughed and he helped me out of his car.
> We walked in and instantley(sp?) I fell inlove with the store.
Jarred: I know I never have any problems falling in love with a place that contains nothing but sugar!
>A Girl about 25 came to the counter.
Kalinda: 25?! That’s so old!
Tempest: NO, IT ISN’T!!!
Kalinda: (O_O) Damn Tempest, I was only joking. I mean, 25 is ancient when you’re a teenager.
Tempest: (Mumbling to herself.) It’s not old, it’s not old, it’s not old, it’s not old….
>”What can i get for ya today.?” She asked Xzavior totally ignoring me.
Melanie: Seriously? Xzavior must be some kind of stone cold fox for every female in the entire world to be totally focused on him.
Gwen: Either that or the author’s opinion of other girls is not very high.
> “Uhhh” Xzavior said and put his arms around my waist. “How about one of everything.” i looked at him with a Are-You-Carzy, look.
Deangelo: One of everything?
Dominick: Like one red gummy bear, one yellow Jelly Belly, one milk chocolate truffle?
>He laughed. The girl started packaging our sweets and Xzavior and me locked eyes. he started to lean in but back away at last second.
Jarred: The vile stench of her breath made him shudder and turn his face.
> “Uhg, you were supposed to kiss me.” i told him.
> “I really thought about it.”
Dominick: (Xzavior.) But then I thought, if we kiss, we’ll go to this concert tonight, then we’ll go back to my place and have unfulfilling, quick teenage sex, then you get pregnant, then I’m a dad and my life is over. So I thought, why kiss you and start the whole cycle?
> “Then Why don’t you.?”
> “Beacaue you want me to.”
Deangelo: Trust me, it’s a much better idea to kiss a girl when she wants you do, instead of the opposite.
> I ignorned him and got on my tippy toes and kissed him. I felt like i was going to melt, i pulled away quickly.
Tempest: Then she asked if the candy store also sold pregnancy tests.
> “What?” He asked, he looked hurt.
> ” I didn’t have enough strength to stay like that for long.” I mumbled embarassed.
Melanie: Yeah, the massive amount of muscle power it takes to stand on your tip toes for a few seconds. Excruciating.
Jarred: There’s an Olympic event for that, you know.
> “Well, i wasn’t done.” I laughed but he stayed serious.
> “Then come down here.” I told him. His lips brushed mine then the girl said our sweets were ready.
Kalinda: Then Victoria-Alicia clawed her face off for being an interfering busy body.
>I felt Xzavior smile. I opened my eyes and smiled too. He paid and we left.
> “Were going to finish them you knopw that.”
Jarred: Well, that’s not a part of a balanced diet at all.
>I laughed at all the stuff he bought.
> “But that’s where you’d be wrong, just not going to today.”
Tempest: Which of course means they’ll finish them tomorrow morning, in bed. Winky face.
(The others pause.)
Kalinda: Did you just say “winky face”?
Tempest: Yeah, just in case you didn’t catch it in my tone of voice.
Kalinda: Uh…. yeah…
>It’s Amazing What Happens Underneath The Stars.
Gwen: It’s amazing that this author can’t manage something as simple as numbering chapters.
> At the concert we got a perfect view of the band. Me and Xzavior sang along to all the songs.
Dominick: What about head banging?
>And we can’t forget about the headbanging.
Dominick: And mosh pitting?
>I even got to touch Andy!
Tempest: Yeah, girl! Go on and touch other famous guys while you’re out on a date with your boyfriend. That’s not going to make him start crying!
>Overall, it was a great concert.When we got out of the concert it was dark out. >Probabley around 10 maybe.
Kalinda: This asshole needs to start wearing a watch.
> “So where are we going now.?.” He shrugged and kissed my cheek after opeining my car door for me. His face lingered at my ear.
Dominick: Which allowed the small mind-controlling worm to travel from his mouth to her ear and implant itself into her brain.
Deangelo: I hope that poor creature wasn’t looking for brain activity. It would starve to death.
> “Trust me love, you’ll love it. I promise.” His voice sent chills down my back, the good chills though.
Tempest: Is he trying to convince her to do anal? Sheesh, some things never change.
> He sat back in his seat, his expression was beyond breathe taking. I lost my breathe for a minute and my knees felt week.
Kalinda: His facial expression literally takes her breath away? What?
> “Thanks.” I pouted. He Started Driving.
> “For What.?.”
Gwen: (Victoria-Alicia.) For having such amazing facial expressions.
> “For Making My knee’s grow week, my heart skip beats. Do i really need to go on..?.” I asked Sarcastically.
Jarred: No, you don’t need to go on. Not at all! This is silly enough as it is.
> Instead of answering me he got out of his car and pulled me out of it. He slammed
the door behind him and gently pushed me against his car.
Kalinda: Is it time to make an emo baby already?
Melanie: Well, they have been on a date. Some emos don’t even get that far before they get pregnant.
> “What are you doi…” I was interuppted by him lightly pressing his lips to mine.
> When he finally drew away i felt weeker than ever and i fell down.
Deangelo: It pains me to think that young women believe that being kissed with turn them into jelly and they will faint into a delicate heap on the floor by being touched by their one true love.
>He caught me, he layed me down on the grass on a hill.
>”Maybe your right.” He laughed. He kissed my forehead and layed down beside me.
Dominick: Her right what?
>”Of course i’m right, when am i not right…?.” I saw him smile to himself.
Kalinda: Well, there was that whole thing about you being a guardian angel and not interacting with humans and that you might get into some trouble. But no one seems really concerned about that.
Melanie: Hey, maybe this story co-exists in the God Took Me universe and the immortal God is dying and Jesus is too busy fucking with Lincoln and her pet snake to pay attention to what the other angels are doing.
Gwen: ….. That makes a lot of sense.
> “Sorry.” He laughed. I started drifting off into sleep. “I love you Vikki. I really do.” I heard him mumble,
Jarred: And why not? They’ve been on one date. They listen to the same music, they know each other’s favorite colors. What’s more to love than that?
Tempest: A safe word?
>i knew i wasn’t supposed to hear but oh well.
Melanie: Yeah, when people don’t want you to hear something they tend not to say it out loud when they’re right next to you.
> “Xzavior, i love you too.” I said and he smiled to himself. He kiss the top of my head and i finally fell asleep under the stars.
Deangelo: I feel as if I missed something, but did these children just drive to a random field and fall asleep in the grass?
Kalinda: That’s what I got.
Deangelo: Nice to see that things like safety still aren’t an issue in emo love stories.
M: (From the control room.) Okay kids, I’m stopping the MiST here. We can pick up the rest later.
Dominick: Do we have to? I feel good about this. Let’s keep going.
(The other MiSTers turn and give Dominick matching death glares.)
Dominick: Or… we could go finish playing House.
Melanie: (Forcefully.) Yeah, let’s do that instead.
(The MiSTers return to the conference room to find their game blinking that they’ve been fired from Princeton Plainsboro for too many patients dying.)
Jarred: Oh. We forgot to pause the game, didn’t we?
Melanie: (Picking up her lab coat.) Well, I’m up for another round. But I get to be Cameron this time.
Kalinda: How about I’ll be Cuddy? I can wear a tight skirt.
M: By the by, did I mention that I got the new Tomb Raider game? (She holds up a copy of Tomb Raider 2013, still wrapped in its cellophane packaging.)
Melanie: (Throwing her lab coat aside.) I’m playing first! I’m playing first!
Dominick: Hell no! You got to play Call of Duty first last time we got that. It’s my turn!
Gwen: We should settle this through conflict mediation.
Deangelo: Why don’t we all rotate turns and be courteous to the other gamers?
Tempest: I saw the previews for this game. Wasn’t impressed. Lara’s cup size has seriously gone down.
Deangelo: Perhaps the game developers realized that she needs to be able to walk upright.
M: Well, I have some editing to do. I’ll leave you guys to it. (She tosses the game into the air.)
Melanie: It’s mine!
(What follows is a rendition of the most cutthroat bouquet toss that you have ever seen. The MiSTers are still fighting when M leaves the room.)