Flashback MiST 26 – Raise The Dead

MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAIn this ancient MiST, circa 2002, M and the MiSTers have to deal with a bizarre situation where a fire goddess has taken over Gwen’s body and refuses to leave. The host segment couldn’t make less sense if I had tried. But after Gwen is returned to normal, the MiSTers are given a request MiST to handle. It’s their first time MiSTing a fanfiction from The Crow series. Will they enjoy the fic or was there a reason why the author wanted it to be MiSTed?

Want to know more about MiSTing? Read Star’s Guide to MiSTing and educate yourself.

Disclaimer: I don’t own The Crow, it’s characters or their respective likeness. I didn’t write this fic. All the characters MSTing it are mine. This is REALLY, REALLY nasty, you have been warned. BY READING ANY FURTHER KNOWING THIS, YOU WAIVE YOUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BITCH, WHINE, MOAN, OR COMPLAIN. Furthermore, I can’t be held responsible for any content of this word file because apparently my cats have learned how to type.
Love and kitty treats,
§ápphír€
(-:Tabby 🙂
*Squeak!* Díonsaí *Squeak!*
Adisa
Haris
Makita
Pyco-Pyco

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MiSTers!

Melanie Bryce (The Shy One) – Hello everyone!
Gwenavere Donovan (The Boss) – Salutations.
Tempest (Slutbunni) – Oooo, you’re cute. Are you busy tonight?
Kalinda (Vamp) – Does my hair look alright? Oh, hi everybody.
Jarred (Sweetie) – Hello all you lovely people!
Dominick (He’s just there) – Hi. Uhhh, I came with Mel.
Deangelo (The Smooth One) – Hello, my you are looking beautiful today.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(All MiSTers are in the conference room, grabbing some snacks. M walks in dressed in black stretch jeans and a black tank top. She’s got an Icer in each hand and a holster strapped around her waist.)

Melanie: (To M.) Saw Tomb Raider again, didn’t you?
M: Sure did! I’ve seen it twice now. Only six more times to go until it comes out on video!
Dominick: Strange child.
M: But onto more important matters. No one has found Sarafina yet. She’s still on the lose. But last night I found something else about Gwen’s condition.
Deangelo: How to help her?
M: No… not quite…
Jarred: What it is, M?
Kalinda: Come on, M. Spit it out.
M: Sarafina is the Celestial Keeper Of Fire, right?
Deangelo: Yesssssssssssss. The point is?
M: Well, Sarafina’s characteristics where on the Goddess level. Gwen’s regular characteristics where on the Genius level. Her body is not able to adapt to the influx in levels and she’s got about twenty hours before she becomes a pile of lily-scented ashes.
Kalinda: Perfect!
Melanie: Alright, now, how do we find Sarafina and how do we get her out of Gwen’s body?
M: First things first, we’ve gotta CATCH Sarafina to begin with.
Dominick: (Pointing to a computer screen.) Hey look, isn’t that Sarafina? Oh, and look, there’s Kalila.
M: What?!

(All the MiSTers and M rush over to the security screen just in time to see Kalila breathe onto Sarafina and promptly turn her into a popsicle.)

Melanie: Damn. That’s taking “Minty fresh” a little far, don’t ya think?
M: I equipped her with an ice breath. I was using it to freeze leftover pizza. But it looks like she’s got Sarafina.
Kalinda: I don’t believe this! We’ve been looking for days and a kitten finds her in a few hours!
M: Come on kids, let’s roll.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Five Minutes later…~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(M and the MiSTers walk into Kalila’s playroom. It has thick white carpeting and has several chew toys and scratching posts strewn through the room along with a large, carpeted jungle gym with plenty of tubes and places to climb.)

Tempest: (Looking around.) I didn’t know this was here.
Kalinda: Me neither.
M: (Glances at Tempest.) Cause I knew that you would want your own playroom after you saw Kalila’s.
Tempest: Ooo! What a good idea.
Dominick: (Walking over to the ice cube that is Sarafina.) Damn. That’s deep freezing.
M: (Also walking over.) Good God. Be careful with that breath of yours, hon.
Kalila: Mew!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Back In The Conference Room……~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(Deangelo and Dominick are pulling the ice cube into the conference room on a large steel platform with wheels and two ropes attached.)

Melanie: Ooo, hey Dom, you gonna take your shirt off now? You’re getting all sweaty.
Tempest: Ooo!
Melanie: Back off!
Kalinda: Hey M, now what are we gonna do? How do we get Sarafina out of Gwen’s body.
M: Well. (Glances at Deangelo and Dominick.) Right over there, boys. (Turns back to Kalinda.) There’s this little rule, and the only way to get Sarafina out of Gwen’s body is to beat her in a fair competition.
Jarred: We’ve got to beat a Fire Goddess in a competition?
Melanie: What kind of competition?
M: Any kind. As long as it’s fair. When we beat her she’ll have no option but to leave Gwen’s body. Being as arrogant as she is, she won’t refuse the challenge.
Tempest: But what can we challenge her too? We can’t beat her in a fist fight.
Jarred: How about a starring contest?
Melanie: Or a drinking contest.
Dominick: Or a gaming contest.
Tempest: Or a sex contest.
M: Tempest, this isn’t Jerry Springer.
Deangelo: So, which contest?
M: I dunno. We might as well try them all. I don’t know what kind of chances we have, cause I don’t know her weakness. (Walking around the ice cube.) Now, we’ve got to thaw her. (Whips out her trusty blow torch.) Stand back everyone!
Dominick: (Whispering to Melanie.) Are you sure this is safe?
Melanie: (Whispering to Dominick.) You’d better hope so.

(Turns the blow torch on and flips her safety shield over her face. She begins to thaw the ice cube.)

Deangelo: I wonder where she learned to use that…
Jarred: Is she licensed to that?
Kalinda: Probably not…
M: (Flipping up the face shield.) Okay. Sarafina should be able to thaw the rest herself.

(Just as M says that, Sarafina’s body turns red and the ice begins to melt around her.)

Jarred: Oh dear… someone’s going to have to shampoo the rug in here.
M: (Glancing at the other MiSTers.) Any volunteers?

(All the MiSTers glance at each other, then suddenly the ice cube breaks and Sarafina, who is dripping wet, steps out.)

Sarafina: Who DARED to freeze me?!
M: Kalila.
Sarafina: That flea-ridden cat!
M: Hey! She doesn’t have fleas!
Deangelo: Yes, now you have to get out of Gwen’s body.
Sarafina: Never. I am a goddess you can not order me to do anything.
Melanie: Okay then, I challenge you to a drinking contest! That is… if you think you’re good enough.
Sarafina: What do I get if I win.
Melanie: Well, you’re not going to win. So don’t worry about it. But WHEN I win, I want you out of Gwen’s body.
Sarafina: Deal.
Dominick: (Breaks out the tequila.) Great! Let’s get started!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*An Hour Later….*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

M: Uhhh, Mel? This can’t be healthy…
Melanie: (About to keel over.) I’m fine… Really…
Sarafina: (Completely normal.) Are you sure you are up for some more, Melanie?
Deangelo: This is ridiculous. Between the two, they’ve had 2 bottles of tequila. There is no way the alcohol can’t be effecting Sarafina.
Jarred: Melanie, you better stop.
Melanie: I’m fine!
Kalinda: (Takes Melanie’s glass away.) No, you’re not. Jesus Christ, you’re going to have one hell of a hang over tomorrow.
Dominick: Mel, come on, let’s go take a little nap.
Melanie: Huh?
Dominick: (Picks Melanie out of her chair just as she drifts out of consciousness.) I’m putting her to bed. I’ll be back in a sec.
Tempest: Ooo! Can I go!?
Dominick: No.

(Dominick leaves the conference room with Melanie in his arms.)

Kalinda: M, why isn’t she drunk?
M: (Typing on her computer.) Hold on a sec… got it! Her body chemistry is COMPLETELY different from humans. Alcohol, greasy foods, sugar and caffeine have no effect on her.
Kalinda: You mean she can eat nothing but McDonalds’ French fries and Dr Pepper and she won’t gain any weight or get a sugar rush?
M: Yep.
Tempest: I wanna be a goddess! Well, more then the Goddess I already am.
Jarred: We better try another contest.
Kalinda: Let’s try that starring contest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Two Hours Later…~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dominick: Let’s recap, shall we? We lost the starring contest because she doesn’t have to blink. We lost the gaming contest because she can learn anything in less than two seconds, including gaming controls and tricks and tips. Hell, we can’t even beat her at Rock, Paper, Scissors because she can predict the outcome with her physic abilities. What’s left?!
M: I don’t know. I’m gonna go check on Mel. You guys think of something, cause I’m out of ideas.
Kalinda: Now what?
Deangelo: (Sits back in front of M’s computer and begins typing.) Hold on, I think I have something.
Dominick: This had better be good, D.
Jarred: Hurry, before Sarafina gets back from her victory lap around the station.
Kalinda: Come on, any idea is better then what we’ve got right now.
Tempest: I still say that we should have a sex contest. I know I would win.
Dominick: Sarafina probably has lighting screwing speed along with all her other abilities.
Tempest: Wow… I wish I had that.
Deangelo: I knew it!
Kalinda: What? What?

(Deangelo is about to explain when Sarafina bursts into the room in her Fire Goddess way.)

Sarafina: (Glancing around.) Where is the silly one?
Tempest: M?
Sarafina: Yes.
Dominick: She’s checking on Melanie.
Sarafina: Ridiculous mortal. She should never have challenged me.
Kalinda: Yeah? Well, you should get out of Gwen’s body, you bitch!
Jarred: Kalinda, that wasn’t very nice, you should-
Kalinda: Shut up!
Deangelo: Calm down, Kalinda. We’re all getting a little irritable but I have an idea. (Walks over to Sarafina.) Hello, my Fire Goddess.
Sarafina: YOUR?! Do not make me laugh, mortal.
Deangelo: It would be amazing to see a smile come to those lovely lips of yours.
Tempest: (Whispering to Kalinda.) What’s he doing?
Kalinda: (Whispering to Tempest.) I don’t know. I just hope it works.
Sarafina: You are feeling rather bold today.
Deangelo: In the presence of a woman as beautiful as you it is no surprise that my mouth has run away with me.
Sarafina: (Blushing a little.) Oh.
Deangelo: (Moves closer to Sarafina and touches her cheek.) I don’t suppose there is another man in your thoughts.
Sarafina: No.
Deangelo: Perfect. (Deangelo gently kisses her.)

(Suddenly Sarafina bursts into flames, Deangelo jumps back in just enough time to avoid being burned.)

Dominick: Holy shit! (Grabs a near by fire extinguisher and puts the flames out.)

(Suddenly, M opens the door to the conference room and walks right into a cloud of smoke.)

M: (Coughing.) What happened?
Deangelo: Hold on, I don’t know if it worked. (Starts cleaning the smoke away.)
M: What worked?

(When the smoke clears everyone can see Gwenavere in her regular business suit sprawled on the floor.)

Deangelo: It worked.
Dominick: Well, I’ll be damned.
Jarred: And I be Jarred.

(Deangelo walks over to Gwen and cradles her in his arms.)

Tempest: Ooo! That’s SOOO cute!!!
Deangelo: Gwenavere? Love?
Gwen: (Slowly opening her eyes.) Hmmm?
M: (O_O!) D, how did you do that?
Deangelo: Welcome back, Gwenavere. (He stands up, still holding Gwen until she can stand on her own.)
Gwen: What happened?
Kalinda: D, what did you do?
Deangelo: Well, I got onto M’s computer and I learned that Sarafina also had a very repressed wild streak. So all I had to do was overload her characteristics and that would bring Gwen back. And since I already knew I could overload her with a kiss, all I had to do was kiss her.
Gwen: You kissed another woman?
Deangelo: Another woman in your body. But, you’re still sweeter.
Dominick: Well, doesn’t that just make you wanna puke?
Jarred: (<3_<3) I think that’s adorable! M: Well, now that everything’s back to normal, let’s go MiST. Dominick: What about Melanie? Melanie: (Opening the door to the conference room and walking in.) Hey everyone. Kalinda: How’d you do that? M: I rid her body of the alcohol. She’s fine now. So come on, kiddies. MiSTing time. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* M: (From the control room.) Ready? All MiSTers: Yeah! M: (From the control room.) This is a request MiST, so have fun kids! >Raise the Dead

Dominick: Next on FOX.

>by P. Bateman ( p_bateman2000@hotmail.com )

Kalinda: P. Bateman?
Jarred: Sounds like a senator.

>Author’s note: This for that one person who I didn’t speak to soon enough and >now I am forever without.

All MiSTers: (Gasp!) The melodrama!

>When writing this story I was simply going from what I knew from the original >movie. This is because both the sequel and the TV series suck.

Dominick: I liked the sequel.
Melanie: Dom, you never saw the sequel.
Dominick: Oh. I knew that.

>Also, the story’s ending changed.

Gwen: Being the fact no one here has seen the sequel or the TV show, and I haven’t even seen the original. No one here can tell.
Deangelo: (Grasping Gwen’s hand.) I missed you.
Tempest: (Sighs.) That’s so sweet.

>I wanted to write a different kind of Crow and I think it’ll come across. I hope.

Kalinda: Well, if it did, then I don’t think we would be MiSTing it.

>**********************************

Tempest: Page break! Page break!

>”Hey, wait, I got a new complaint”

Gwen: Complainers. I can’t stand complainers.

>**********************************

Tempest: Another page break!
Melanie: Tempest, chill.

>When I think back it feels as if my “accident” happened only yesterday.

Dominick: (Narrator.) Because it DID happen yesterday.

>Though when I first “woke” after my burial,

Kalinda: How do you wake up after you get buried?
Melanie: Hey, it’s called “Raise The Dead”. What do you expect?
Kalinda: I thought it was a metaphor or something…

>I have to admit that I was completely unsure of the time scale of anything that >had happened.

Dominick: Don’t ya just hate it when that happens? You wake up, find out you’re dead, and you just get so disoriented.

>First thing I did when my eyes opened was to crawl out of my grave.

Jarred: That’s the first thing I would do.
Tempest: I would kill myself again and hope to God I don’t come back.
Deangelo: You would give up all that sex?
Tempest: Ewwww, necrophilia.

>Not a task that I would want to ever do again.

Kalinda: (Wide-eyed.) But why not? Why, crawling out of coffins is one of my favorite past times.

>My fingers were bloody and raw from scratching at the coffin lid.

Tempest: Ewwwwwww. Imagine the bill from his manicurist.

>As soon as I made it the top, I

Dominick: Wanted to thank all the little people who made all of this possible.

>leaned against my gravestone and watched as my hands healed themselves.

Melanie: Dude. I wanna do that!

>Try taking this all in. You’re dead, then you’re not and then you can fucking heal yourself. Now, I took acid when I was younger,

Gwen: As you do.

>but I never saw anything like that. It was then that I saw The Crow.

Dominick: Plot point! Plot point!

>It was perched upon the small grave yard gate. It had been cleaning itself when it saw me. As soon as it did it began to screech.

Melanie: (Holding her hands over her ears.) Damn, that sounds like Pyco-Pyco.
Jarred: (Also holding his hands over his ears.) Who’s that?
Gwen: (Holding her hands over her ears.) One of Squeaky’s kittens.

>Cawing, I think. I was never one for the call signs of birds.

Dominick: Birds have call signs? Like on Top Gun?

>”Hello” I said walking up to it. I don’t really know why I spoke to it. I just

Kalinda: (Narrator.) Wanted to have a nice conversation with a bird. What’s wrong with that?!

>seemed like the right thing to do. It was if at that point The Crow was the only
friend I had.

Gwen: Just remember love, commas are your friends too.

>As soon as I got close enough I put out my hand to touch the dark bird. Just as my hand reached it’s head, it flew away.

Tempest: Well, no wonder! You evil pervert that likes little birds
Deangelo: (-_-;;) Tempest, he was trying to pet the bird, not feel it up.

>I followed, not knowing why I did nor where I was being taken. We moved for an hour.

Melanie: (Narrator.) And then I realized that the crow was lost and he refused to ask for directions.

>The bird in the sky and me on the ground. I was amazed that I could keep up with it. Afterall, it wasn’t moving slowly and I wasn’t the healthiest person in my time.

Melanie: Acid’ll do that to you sometimes.

>All thanks to teh previously mentioned acid and a severe addiction to Marlboro.

Dominick: Nasty habit. Those things will kill ya.
Deangelo: Death sometimes kills you as well…

>Another thing that astonished me was that any obstacles in my way were easily overcome.

Kalinda: With the power of positive thinking!

>I jumped over fences, scaled walls and at one point I even jumped from rooftop to rooftop like I was flying.

Jarred: (Singing.) I believe I can fly!
Kalinda: (<3_<3) Jarred, that’s SO cute! Tempest: I hope he screws better then he sings… Jarred: (Tugging on Kalinda’s sleeve.) Kalinda, she’s giving me that look again. >Oh, the strength I had. . .

Deangelo: Strength like you could take over the world…
Gwen: Or at least a planet or two.

>We finally reached The Crow’s destination.

Dominick: A pet shop that had recently been stocked with cuttlebones.

>A long stretch of road going from the suburbs to the town centre. Nausea hit >my stomach

Kalinda: With a very large mallet.

>and the bile began to rise in my throat. This was where I had died.

Deangelo: Such fond memories. Let us all revisit them.

>I remembered it all. Everything. Images danced around my head.

Tempest: Ooo! Did they freak dance?
Gwen: Maybe they river danced.
Melanie: God, I hope they didn’t do disco.

>~I had fought with my girlfriend, Anne, and left the house in a state.

Deangelo: Yes, but which state? Wyoming? Nebraska? California?

>I took her car and drove down this very road. I could see myself talking to thin air, beating the steering wheel with my left hand.

Gwen: (Shaking her head.) The poor steering wheel.
Jarred: I know, it’s not right to take out your aggressions on innocent steering wheels.

>I watched as another car began to speed up next to me. I cried as I saw the man in the passenger seat click the safety on his gun

Melanie: Yes, but did it click “on” or “off”?

>and then, BANG!

Dominick: I’m guessing “off”.

>They laughed as my car swerved into a tree. I could feel the greed in their eyes as they searched my body and removed all my valuables.~

Tempest: Well that’s what you get for fighting with your girlfriend! Next time, try waiting an hour then sticking your tongue down her throat… Or does that only work on guys?
Dominick: Works on me.
Melanie: No kidding.

>As soon as the memory was over, I collapsed onto the floor. Tears poured down my face as I tried to come to terms with what had happened.

Deangelo: Face it, some people have a hard time finding out they’re dead.

>Those bastards had cut me down. They had killed for bits of pocket change.

Kalinda: And they wrecked his girlfriend’s nice car.

>The Crow landed next to me and pecked at my arm. I sat up and it hopped >onto my lap. I went to stroke it’s head and that’s when it hit me.

Tempest: (Narrator.) I was a dirty old crow pervert.
Deangelo: (Sighs.) Never mind.

>Why I was here.

Tempest: Because I had missed that sale down at Payless.
Melanie: (Girl in Die Hard 3.) You ever seen a woman miss a shoe sale?

>It was as if The Crow was speaking to me. There had been others before me.

Gwen: Yes, he’s not the first person in the world to die. I hope that’s not a revelation to anyone.

>Others whose lives had been taken away from them. Some of Us had been >murdered.

Melanie: (Narrator.) Some of us were roasted over an open fire and eaten with a white wine sauce.
Dominick: (Narrator.) When others were simply strung up by our toes till we screamed “Uncle”.

>Some of Us had simply been caught in a cross fire at a bank raid.

Kalinda: Like in ‘Mercury Rising’. That was a good movie.
Gwen: Yes, I do agree.
Jarred: Hey, did the kid that was shot in that come back from the dead?
Deangelo: That would be interesting, wouldn’t it?

>Yet, no matter what had happened to Us, We all came back because of one desire.

Tempest: Hey look! You CAN come back from the dead to have sex! Yay! I’m coming back from the dead! I’m coming back from the dead!

>To seek revenge.

Dominick: Ummm, Temp?
Tempest: I’m coming back from the dead! I’m coming back from the- (Reads the line.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kalinda: (-_-;;) Poor Tempest. . .

>It’s hard to explain, but once the idea of revenge got stuck in my head, it

Melanie: (Narrator.) Just wouldn’t get out! Pesky revenge ideas. . .

>became my only thought for the next couple of weeks.
>I began to hunt down the inhabitants of the car that drove past me.

Jarred: (9_9) That’s not very nice. He should try to rehabilitate them and change their lives so that they don’t ever want to kill innocent people again.

>I was helped by The Crow who seemed to know exactly where they all were.

Dominick: Not that The Crow was a stalker or anything…

>And when I got to them I killed them. I suppose I could attempt to romanticise what I did, but I can’t. I slaughtered each one of the bastards.

Tempest: But they were so young! And that one was HOT!
Deangelo: They were murderers, Tempest.
Tempest: We’ve all got problems!

>Yes, my soul cried out for my death to be avenged,

Jarred: I think he needs a hug.
Gwen: I think he needs a good physiological evaluation.
Melanie: Gwen, he’s dead.
Gwen: He still has mental health problems!

>but each time I attacked, my soul stayed quiet and my killer instincts took over.

Melanie: I remember the video game Killer Instincts. Ah, those were the days.

>When I had finished I was expecting to have this sudden urge to back to my
grave.

Tempest: (Narrator.) And take a cute girl with me.

>Bye bye. See ya next life time.

All MiSTers: (Waving.) Bye-bye!

>Just like the others before me and yet I didn’t. Instead I went back to the motel room I had rented

Tempest: (^_^) Ooo, cheap motel.
Kalinda: Where’d he get the money? He’s dead.

>with the money taken from each one of my victims.

Kalinda: Oh.
Gwen: Don’t you think it’s a little hypocritical that he steals money from his victims after they took money from him?
Dominick: Nope. An eye for an eye.

>It was upon entering the room and turning on the light that I finally saw the
stranger in the mirror.

Jarred: He is never going to be at peace if he doesn’t learn how to love and accept himself as he is.

>I don’t ever remember sitting down and deciding to wear the clothes I was wearing.

Kalinda: See, even the dead think of fashion. And my last boyfriend told me I was obsessed.

>It just seemed like the thing to do. A way of helping me to blend into the night.

Dominick: (Fashion consultant.) For blending into the night, I just LOVE black. It’s so mysterious and Gothic. Now, if you want Gothic, I’ve got the perfect satin shirt and pants set for you. Do you like satin or do you prefer silk?
Melanie: Dominick, you don’t know anything about clothes do you?
Dominick: (Points at his shirt.) It fits. What else do I need to know?

>The black shirt and boots I had found in a skip.

Jarred: In a skip? Where’s a skip?
Gwen: It’s a dumpster. Just the English version of a dumpster.

>The jacket and trousers were mine. I’d been buried in them and despite the state of them, it seemed appropriate.

Gwen: You’d think he would at least pay to get them washed.
Deangelo: Yes, and I don’t see how on earth he could call that “appropriate”.

>Y’know, a sort of reminder of where I’d come from.

Kalinda: Yeah? Well I came out of a Dr Pepper induced creative spree, and you don’t see me dressing like it.

>The only thing that I missed out was the make up.

Gwen: I wouldn’t qualify that as “missing out”…

>Yes, the others had used it, but why should I? I mean, the clothes are a >necessary evil

Tempest: I know what you mean. I’d prefer if we’d all just walk around nude.

>with which I can blend into the shadows, but the make up seemed redundant.

Tempest: Makeup isn’t redundant! It’s a way of life!

>Make up is used to hide our faces and make us something which we are not.

Tempest: Oh, well if you’re gonna get all physiological on a girl. . .

>I didn’t want to hide my face. I wanted my victims to know who I was. As soon as I came round that corner I wanted fear to grip their hearts

Kalinda: (Narrator.) Until their faces turned blue and their hair fell out.

>and not let go until they had bled their last drop. Boy, did it work!

Dominick: Nice to know that you can scare the shit out of people, kid!

>Have you ever seen a grown man piss himself?

Gwen: Ewwww.
Melanie: I have! Kinda funny how starring down the barrel of a magnum will loosen up someone’s bowels.

>I understand that it sounds kinda evil, but I couldn’t care less.

Kalinda: We couldn’t tell.

>I see it as a warning to anyone who feels they should attack those better then themselves.

Melanie: That’s right! Stick to assholes and gang members. They’re easier to kill anyways.

>We will always come back!

Kalinda: (Narrator.) And we’ll bring fics with us!
Gwen: There’s a threat…

>Overall, without my make up I felt like I was adding more of an edge to my already back form the dead image.

Jarred: He came out of a grave, how can you get any edgier?
Melanie: That’s pretty goddamn edgy right there…

>If you killed someone, which would scare you more.

Kalinda: Finding out Britney Spears has been elected president?
Dominick: Or Janet Reno in a string bikini?
Deangelo: Dominick, thank you for planting that awful image in my head. If I go insane it’s going to be on your head.
Dominick: Yo D, just picture Gwen in that bikini.
Gwen: Dom, don’t encourage him.
Deangelo: (^_______________________^) Hehehehehe.
Jarred: He sounds like Tempest. . .
Tempest: Yay! Tempest-ness is spreading!

>Some wet drip in white make up looking like the killer from “Scream” OR the living breathing corpse of your victim.

Melanie: I’d still say Janet Reno.

>After looking in the mirror I switched off the light, sat down on the bed and switched on the crappy black and white TV.

Jarred: Wow. I didn’t even know motels still had those.

>A couple of hours passed. I lay on the bed and watched films, in particular
“Night of the Living Dead”.

Kalinda: That was a bad movie.
Melanie: Yeah, we should MiST it some time.
Dominick: Yeah, have a MiSTing party.

>Isn’t ironic, don’tcha think?. A little too. . .

Gwen: (-_-;;) That was a randomly thrown in song lyric. . .

>Just as the credits began to roll I heard a tapping at my window.

Deangelo: Like someone gently rapping, rapping on my chamber door.
Melanie: Big D, I really hate that poem.
Deangelo: Not my fault that you have no appreciation for the classics.

>I opened the curtains and there on the sill stood The Crow.

Dominick: (The Crow.) Nevermore!
Gwen: Dominick, that was the raven. Not the crow.

>I opened the window and allowed it into the room. As soon as the window opened, it flew into my arms.

Jarred: See, he did need a hug!

>I was hit by thoughts again.

Gwen: Did it hurt?

>The Crow wanted to tell me something again.

Tempest: (The Crow.) See a psychologist!

>About someone. . . Someone. . . .

Kalinda: Janet Reno.
Deangelo: (Closing his eyes and talking to himself.) Gwen in a string bikini. Gwen. . .

>ANNE!

Deangelo: Gwen. . .

>~I could see her in her bedroom crying. A photo in her hand.

Tempest: (Narrator.) It was of the lovely, lovely Tempest!

>Couldn’t make out who it was? Could be me. Maybe not.~

Melanie: Probably not.

>No matter, I finally realised why I was here.

Kalinda: (Narrator.) I forgot to pay my dry cleaning bill.

>I had attacked her when we argued. I had struck her down. Hard.

Melanie: Ahhh, his soul can’t rest cause he’s a jerk.

>I don’t why I did it. I just couldn’t handle it. My Anne. Why would I react that way? I had to meet her again.

Gwen: I think she might be a little worried over the fact that he’s dead…

>One last time. Tell her how sorry I was.

Deangelo: I think the young lady may not react so happily when she sees someone she thought was dead. That might scare her just a little.

>That was why I was still here. As long as she was in pain, so would I.

Melanie: So all of that revenge was for naught?

>I spent the next hour getting ready. Washing my hair ad face. Trying
to make myself presentable.

Kalinda: Dude, you’re dead. Why bother?

>Once I was ready, it was time to go.

Dominick: Yeah, it usually is.

>I nearly vomited again as I walked past my death spot. Though a sly smile did
arise when I thought of what I had done in the past week.

Gwen: You’d think he’d feel a little guilty at taking away human life.

>I stood at the top of the gate of our house and took a deep breath. I worked
out what I could do. I could walk down the path ad knock on the door.

Kalinda: Then his girlfriend will open the door and he’ll find that she’s already married to his best friend and they has a kid together.
Jarred: (;_;) But I thought they were going to be happy!

>Then, when she opened the door, I could kiss her and tell her how much I missed her and how much I wanted to apologise for all the hurt I gave her We could talk for hours and then just as day dawned I would take her upstairs and we could make love one last time.

Tempest: Woo-hoo! Lemon!

>I could.
>I may have done.
>But, I didn’t.

Tempest: (;_;) No lemon?
Jarred: (;_;) No happy ending?

>Instead, I turned around and walked back to my motel room.

Melanie: Dude. He’s got no balls.
Deangelo: None worth speaking of anyways.
Dominick: He can kill a bunch of people and he can’t even apologize?

>It had all become clear to me as I stood at the bottom of the path.

Kalinda: (Narrator.) Rosebud was the sled!

>After we had made love, I would have to tell her that I was no longer able to see her.

Dominick: Because he’s dead.

>She would cry and I would not be able to comfort her.

Dominick: Because he’s dead.

>My selfishness would take over.

Dominick: Well, that’s not because he’s dead.

>I would want to know why she was crying when it was me that was going to die again.

Melanie: Yeah, he does all the hard stuff.

>She would not understand and cry even harder. I would probably strike her again. I had to leave this area.

Tempest: (Narrator.) Because my soaps were on.

>That was two years ago. I now spend most of my time in an old building I found outside town.

Melanie: Dude. A warehouse.
Dominick: So we’re not the only people who live in warehouses.

>No one comes here because they are afraid of the white faced man with the black eyes who stays here. Yes, I have taken to wearing the make-up now.

Gwen: Because, why not? You’re dead and can’t cross over. Might as well spend your time looking like a Juggalo.

>I need to hide now. When I look into a mirror I don’t want to be reminded of what I was. What I am.

MiSTers: A dead guy.

>A woman beater who was too chicken-shit to apologise. Not that apologising would have done any good. As I said before, it would have only brought more pain.

Melanie: Yeah, but you’re not exactly happy where you are. You’ve got nothing to lose.

>So, I sit in my room and suffer. The Crow no longer visits.

Kalinda: (Narrator.) Cause he doesn’t love me anymore.

>Perhaps it has gone to find better people to bring back, like that Eric Draven
guy.

Tempest: Another guy? That crow is a player!

>Sometimes I think that this is why The Crow brought me back. In order that I could suffer for my sins.

Deangelo: No, you’re making yourself suffer. The Crow brought you back to help you.

>Sorta like my own personal Jesus.

Melanie: That’s one hell of a depressing God.

>One day, I’ll visit Anne.
>One day.

Dominick: Yeah. . . That’s what they all say.

>One day, I’ll raise the dead.
>In the doorway of Glory
>He finds Death

Gwen: What’s this?
Deangelo: A poem?

>who puts his hand in hers
>and whispers to him,
>”Now. . .Come home, now.”
>”Soon”, he says

Gwen: Looks like it.

>THE END

All: Yay!!!

>Before I leave I just want to say that the character is not based on me, so I
don’t want any e-mails form people saying I’m a nasty woman beater. I pride
myself that I have never hit anyone I loved.

Dominick: Do you want a medal?
Kalinda: Yeah, that’s not exactly the bare minimum for being a good person.
M: (From the control room.) That’s it for now. Come on, kiddies. Let’s head back to the conference room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(The MiSTers head back into the conference room and settle down around the conference table. The carpeting around the buffer is still soaked with water and there are scorch marks on the carpet where Sarafina burst into flames.)

Melanie: I’m usually one for saving money and doing the clean up ourselves, but after today, why don’t we just call someone?
M: Couldn’t agree more. I hate cleaning. Making messes is much more fun than cleaning them up.
Jarred: Are you sure you guys don’t want to all clean together? We could sing songs and play cleaning games while we’re at it.
Deangelo: As exciting as that sounds, I think I’ll pass, Jarred.
Kalinda: Why don’t we all go out for pizza tonight, then tomorrow we’ll get some cleaners in and tidy everything up.
Gwen: While we’re at it, why don’t we paint in here? Maybe do a mural. Something to spruce this place up.
Tempest: How about a mural of bikini and Speedo models that we can all enjoy?
M: I somehow get the feeling that you would get the most enjoyment out of that, Tempster.
Tempest: (^_^) True!
Dominick: No more lollygagging, I’m ready for pizza!
Deangelo: I concur. Let’s go.