This week on MiSTing Theatre…. Dominick goes on a voyage of self-discovery with Ingie and becomes a calmer, nicer person. Basically, Jarred with some spiritual mumbo-jumbo thrown in. How will his fellow MiSTers react to his personality change? Will be he be able to keep up his tranquil thoughts during an onslaught of mindless Twilight fanfiction that M subjects the team to? Let’s not fool ourselves, Dominick won’t last long. Take bets now on how long it takes for him to crack!
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I don’t own any copyrighted characters, series or songs. Which should be obvious, because I didn’t copyright them. I didn’t write the story being MiSTed. My intellectual property in this MiST is the witty remarks, my MiSTers, and the mad. My characters are used only with my permission.
This MiSTing is not a personal attack on the author. It’s an attack on their terrible writing. This is not meant to be even slightly constructive, instead it is meant solely for the amusement of others.
It’s important to learn to laugh at ourselves. Don’t take life too seriously.
Melanie Bryce – The real way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cavity.
Dominick Dante – I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.
Gwenavere Donovan – Walk softly and carry an iPhone.
Jarred Zion – Strangers are just friends that you haven’t met!
Deangelo Desiderio – Grumpy is the only one of the seven dwarfs I understand.
Tempest Lucki – Hey, you’re cute. What are you doing after the MiST?
Kalinda Beckham – Yes, that’s right, I’m the only remotely normal person here.
(M enters the conference room to find some of the MiSTers hanging out. Melanie and Kalinda are doing their nails, Jarred is reading the latest edition of the official Happy Fluffy Bunni newspaper, Deangelo and Gwen are both reading books on the couch in the gaming nook. Rosie trots in after M and goes over to her pet bed to sniff around.)
M: (Sitting down at the conference room table and propping her feet up.) Hey kids, what’s up?
Melanie: Nothing much, just hanging out on the satellite.
Kalinda: Yeah, Tempest is on a date with some new guy. Apparently, she was hanging around in a zombie story you were writing and she’s taken to one of the survivors.
M: Oh dear… Where’s Dominick?
Melanie: (Looking around.) You know, I haven’t seen him all day. He was gone when I woke up. But I figured that he just wanted to play the new Tomb Raider game in peace, but then I came in here after breakfast and he wasn’t in here either.
(Jarred sets down his copy of the HFB Monthly.)
Jarred: He said something last night about going on a trip with Ingie.
Gwen: (Looking up from her book.) Ingie? Is he still trapped in that Sims game?
M: Last time I checked he was.
Kalinda: Let’s go be really nosy and see where he is.
Jarred: I’m sure he’ll be back soon. I mean, we shouldn’t invade his privacy like that. We should just be patient and wait.
M: Well, I have a MiST for everyone and I’m on a tight schedule this week, so let’s not waste any time. We need to —
(M’s sentence is cut off by Dominick entering the conference room. He is wearing brown pants and a linen v-neck shirt with a wooden bead necklace and sandals. He hasn’t shaved in several days and is smiling entirely too much for Dominick.)
Dominick: My friends, I have returned!
(Everyone raises an eyebrow at Dominick. Tempest enters behind him and goes over to where Melanie and Kalinda were going their nails.)
Tempest: Did Dominick go hippie?
Dominick: Don’t you see, Tempest. I have learned the secrets of the universe.
Melanie: (Shaking her head.) That goddamn Ingie.
Kalinda: Let’s be fair, I think anyone who spent an entire day with him would end up a little whacked out. I mean, he’s more than a bit off, right? It can’t just be me who notices this.
Dominick: Ingie is the greatest spiritual teacher of our lifetimes. We are all rushing around trying to find meaning in our lives and we’re missing what’s right in front of us.
Deangelo: Do tell what’s right in front of us, Dominick.
(Dominick walks over to the conference room table and takes one of M’s printouts.)
Dominick: THIS. It’s part of our existence so we have to cherish it.
M: Uh, Dominick? That’s a summary of the Twilight fics that we’re going to be MiSTing for our next Super Special. Are you sure you want to cherish that?
(Dominick holds the printout against his chest.)
Dominick: Yes. I must cherish it all. That is the only way to find satisfaction in our lives. To worship and give thanks to everything that exists. Everything has a spirit and a soul and we need to recognize the potential in it all.
Gwen: Did he suffer a concussion on his way back to the satellite?
(Giving the printouts back to M, he walks over to Rosie, who has just settled into her pet bed and picks her up.)
Dominick: Look at this little leopard cub. She’s so innocent and sweet. She is something that we should cherish and protect. We should love her and respect her as a — Ow! (Rosie has swiped at Dominick, leaving a mark on his arm. He puts her back down.) We need to respect her space and not bother her when she’s tired, too.
M: I could have told you that. But I wanted to see where you were going with this.
Tempest: I cherish a lot of things. Sexually, anyway.
Dominick: That’s another thing, Tempest. We shouldn’t let ourselves get distracted by the physical. We are more than our flesh. We are special people and we need to recognize this.
Deangelo: I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but can we start the MiST already? I can’t take any more of this nonsense.
Gwen: Yes, let’s get going.
(The MiSTers put their things down and get up.)
M: Yeah, hurry it up.
Dominick: I’ll MiST, but I will do it with a willing heart and joy.
M: (Chuckling.) Let’s see how long this lasts.
(The MiSTers file into the theatre to find Magnum ice cream bars waiting for them, the wrappers still frosty. Jarred dives at his.)
Jarred: Yay, chocolate! Did you know that chocolate was just voted the HFB’s favorite food for this month? It has some pretty stiff competition from marshmallows.
Tempest: I’m so glad that there are Happy Fluffy Bunnis in the world. Otherwise, I might find myself tedious. But whenever I do, I remember that these creatures hold a sporting game where everyone wins the same medal and everyone gets flowers and all stand on the same level platform.
(The MiSTers take their seats and open their ice cream bars.)
M: (From the control room.) Is everyone ready!?
MiSTers: Edward Cullen is an abusive boyfriend!
M: (From the control room.) Here we go!
>EdwardI miss you
Kalinda: They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? So Edward should go away for a loooooong time so we’ll miss him more.
>Me: You must listen to me!
Dominick: Because we all must listen to the people around us and understand what they’re trying to teach us.
Gwen: This isn’t going to get old insanely fast…
>ME: cos i can make you do whatever i want! (Smug smile)
Tempest: Cattle prod?
>Me: *Holds up fanfiction documents* ha
>Edward:*eyes widen dramatically* Oh no
Tempest: Oh, that works too.
Deangelo: Is this young lady really threatening a fictional character with writing something fictional about him? How much control must she be lacking in her life that she has to resort to this to feel empowered?
Dominick: Big D, you are so right. This girl doesn’t understand her true potential in the universe and she is crying out for us to help her realize it.
Melanie: Dominick, shut up.
>Me: Damn straight
>DISLCLAIMER: i do not own any characters (Or anything) from TWilight, Stephenie Myer does! But i own the plot of this fanfic!
Gwen: Something that I wouldn’t admit to…
>I miss her,
Jarred: (Edward.) She went to the store 15 minutes ago and the loneliness is already creeping in. I can’t stand not knowing exactly what she’s doing at all times.
>I miss her long luscious brown hair, her endless brown eyes, her blush, her shyness, her selflessness,
Tempest: Her boobs.
Melanie: Her bland personality.
Gwen: Her inability to walk a block without falling over.
>everything about her, but, I could only see them in pictures now, she’s gone…dead.
Deangelo: So Bella is dead in this fic? I might like this after all.
Dominick: We shouldn’t joke about death, Deangelo. Death robs us of our life energy.
Tempest: M! Can you do something about this?
M: (From the control room.) Just wait, the lovely feelings will wear off as this fic gets going.
>She was shot,
MiSTers: (o_O) Wha…… ?
Jarred: Who gets shot in a vampire story?
Deangelo: Someone who couldn’t get out of the way of a bullet?
>and I couldn’t save her, the funeral was filled with tears, Esme, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett were crying, yes, I said Emmett,
Kalinda: Jasper and Carlisle were too badass to shed tears in public. Instead, they went home and sobbed silently to themselves.
>Renee was standing in the corner of the Meadow, yes, we had the funeral in our meadow,
Gwen: In the meadow? Not without a ton of permits and paperwork. The meadow isn’t a cemetery.
>It was sad, lots of black clothes, stories of good times, there was not a headstone, she told me she didn’t want one when she died,
Melanie: What teenager discusses funeral arrangements with her boyfriend?
Kalinda: Most awkward date night ever.
>but we put a cross there with her name on it, Charlie couldn’t handle it and broke down looking at his still and silent daughter, he quit his job.
Tempest: No! Not Mustache Dad! You have to keep it together, Charlie, for all of us!
>I spend everyday in the meadow, letting my tears fall freely, I lost my one true love.
I sat in the centre of the meadow, sobbing, I was amazed about how many tears I could cry.
Dominick: Yeah right, I bet emos are admitted into hospitals by the thousands for dehydration resulting from crying about ridiculous shit too much.
Others: (@_@) …..
Melanie: What happened to you being all Zen?
Dominick: Shit! I mean, uh, it’s — tough to change your actions. I have to think the right path, then act the right path and finally, I will be the right path.
Kalinda: Uh huh. And how long do you think it will take you to become a path?
Dominick: I don’t know. A while.
>”Edward…” said a velvet voice, that drifted away with the wind, it reminded me of Bella, I felt a cold hand caress my face “I miss you…”
>there was no one there, was I going delusional?
Gwen: As an immortal vampire that can read almost anyone’s mind, wouldn’t becoming delusional be rather blasé?
>I cry everyday, just for Edward, I don’t know who killed me,
Jarred: But then how will Scooby and the gang solve the mystery?
>yes, I am truthfully dead, but I am a spirit, or Angel, whatever you want to call me.
Deangelo: …There’s a difference between spirits and angels. But let’s keep going. Can’t expect anyone to keep up with their own mythology.
>I wait in the Meadow for Edward everyday, he talks to me, and I sob when he sobs, I smile when he does, but he doesn’t smile that much any more, it saddens me.
Kalinda: Having a loved one gunned down before they even reached their 20s does tend to make a person rather sad.
Tempest: For an emo, that’s enough to give them sob material for the rest of their lives.
>I sat in the meadow next to Edward, my white dress splayed around my thin frame, my long auburn hair fell down my waist while my brown eyes stared longingly at Edward.
Melanie: Now she can creep into his bedroom at night and watch him sleep. Won’t that shit be creepy?
Kalinda: Vampires don’t sleep.
Melanie: Well, why not?
Kalinda: Their bodies don’t require sleep.
Melanie: So they have a full 24 hours in a day?
Melanie: So why hasn’t one of those lazy bastards cured cancer by now?
Deangelo: Because they were too busy going to high school and dating underage girls, I suppose.
>”Edward…” I whispered, my voice drifting away with the wind.
>”I miss you…” I caressed his tear stained face.
Dominick: It’s great how these two still connect even though she has passed on. Amazing how our universe works, isn’t it?
Jarred: I feel like Dominick is encroaching on my riffing territory.
Gwen: Well, do you know what happens now?
Jarred: We exchange best friend pendants and wear them all the time?
Gwen: I was going to say, battle to the death. But pendants are probably more practical.
>He looked up ,shocked and confused, if he was truly sad, he would be able to hear me or feel me…hopefully see me.
Tempest: Yeah, it better be 100%, grade A, real sadness, not that fake shit like when someone tells you that their cat died and you try to look all sad.
>I hugged him closely, allowing a few traitor tears.
Kalinda: (Traitor tear.) I’ll sell secrets to the Russians!
Melanie: (Traitor tear.) I’ll sell secrets to the Chinese!
Jarred: Uh, since when did Bella Swan have any secrets that another country would be interested in?
Melanie: Silly teenager, can’t even betray your country properly anymore.
>”Edward…I miss you…so much…it hurts…” I whimpered.
>”Bella…” he choked out “You’re here”
Deangelo: Who was he expecting?
>”Of course…..i can’t! I miss you…to much” I looked him in the eyes, he gasped.
>”I can see you!” He laughed “Oh Bella I missed you so much”
Tempest: (Edward.) Except the way you bite your lip a million times a day. It was a big relief to not have to witness that all the time.
>”As did I”
>His face became darker “But, I won’t be able to see you all the time, will I?”
>”no, but I will always be with you, and sometimes, you will be able to see me”
Jarred: Do ghosts have visiting hours or something?
>”I want to be with you”
>”But you can’t leave your family!”
Deangelo: Yes, who would be there to intrude on their private thoughts and read their minds all the time?
>He couldn’t leave Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett or Rosalie! they needed him.
Dominick: Strange how this didn’t come up when he was going to try to get himself killed by the Volutri. (Realizes that the other MiSTers are looking at him suspiciously.) Because you should never abandon your family or try to kill yourself by using someone else. Both acts are wrong and not in line with our ultimate mission as human beings.
>”But I miss you so badly!” he whimpered.
>”Edward…If you truly love me, stay with your family” one tear fell from my eye,
Gwen: I would say that that’s manipulative, but what has Twilight taught girls other than that it’s okay for people to manipulate others and strive to control them?
>Edward stayed silent.
>the wind got stronger, and small balls of light fell from the sky, Angels were coming down.
Melanie: The fuck?
>”Bella? what’s happening?”
>”We’re having a visit”
Kalinda: But he hasn’t even dusted the living room!
>All of the Angels formed a circle around us, But twelve year old Pan, who has short wavy blonde hair and a brown eyes stood infront of Edward.
Deangelo: Who in the world is that? Kalinda?
Kalinda: I’ve never heard of someone named Pan in connection with the Twilight series. But I’m not like a super obsessed fan. M?
M: (From the control room.) A search for Pan on the Twilight Wiki yields no relevant results. A Google search for “12-year-old Pan” also has no relevant results. But apparently the movie Pan’s Labyrinth might be too scary for a 12-year-old to view.
Gwen: Well, that’s good to know.
>”Do love your family?” She asked in a velvet voice, with a childlike sense to it.
Melanie: (Edward.) But they’re not enough to save me from my unhealthy obsession with Bella.
>”So did I, but then something happened, and I was gone” she whispered “Don’t leave them”
Dominick: We should all cherish those around us and strive to improve the world for our fellow human beings.
>”What h-happened?” He stuttered, still shocked from seeing all the Angels or spirits.
Jarred: Angels OR spirits? The author doesn’t even know what they are?
>”I was sleeping, and someone climbed through my window, they shot me,
Melanie: What’s up with everyone getting shot in this story? Does Forks rival LA for their gun crime rate? Fuck.
>I didn’t scream or cry, but that took me away from my family, I saw them discover my corpse, how would you like that? just don’t do it.” She whispered,
Gwen: Yes, don’t kill yourself because the person who discovers your corpse might be a little traumatized. What a perfect reason for not taking your own life. We should get this author to man a suicide hotline. She could save millions.
>then began to hum, it was sad and melodic, the circle f Angels joined in, it melded with the wind, and sounded very melodic, I wondered where it was from.
Kalinda: They’re not going to sing, are they?
>”Let those tears fall drift into pain
>And let all of us survive in rain” they sung.
Deangelo: I would ask if these are lyrics from an emo song, but even emo song writers are more coherent than this.
M: (From the control room.) Right you are, Deangelo. From all of the Google searched I did, these are original lyrics.
>”even in your last heartbeat
>Will you remember me?
>Even when you take your breath
>Will you be able to you see me?
Tempest: Yeah, I wouldn’t accuse a professional emo of writing this. It definitely reads like 12-year-old girl poetry.
Dominick: (Mumbling to himself.) It’s so… bad.
Melanie: Did you say something, sweetie?
Dominick: Just that we should all live and allow everyone to strive to be their very best selves.
>Im standing in the corner
>Hoping that your near
>But since im no that you aren’t
>im screaming “Can you hear?” They whispered.
Deangelo: Yes, scream at people who aren’t in the vicinity. That will help the situation.
>Pan started humming, only herself this time, but the wind became stronger, and she was being taken with it, transforming into single delicate feathers,
Tempest: Can we recap what just happened here?
Gwen: Certainly. A group of angels slash spirits came down to earth to visit with a vampire who is mourning the loss of his co-dependent mate. They all started singing, then the leader turned into feathers, which are both singular and plural.
Jarred: When you put it like that, it makes perfect sense.
>you could still hear the melodic tune, as all the others became feathers, and joined heaven.
Dominick: Ah yes, they will go on to a higher place and live out the rest of their soul’s existence in peace and harmony.
Melanie: Dommie, are you even listening to yourself?
Dominick: You have to listen with your heart, not with your ears, if you truly want to hear what is being said.
Melanie: Uh huh. You could have just said no.
>”Edward, truthfully, in Heaven, it rains, I am not with you, it is sad, that is what the tune says, survive in rain”
Kalinda: Is surviving rainfall really that much of an accomplishment? I mean, I’ve survived rain before, but I didn’t think anything of it.
>I felt a myself become a feather, Edward gashed, and tears fell onto his face again.
>”Don’t leave me Bella!” He whimpered “Please..”
Deangelo: Why is everyone whimpering in this story? They’re all like a bunch of lost puppies.
>”I don’t have a choice” I pleaded “Please, understand that! I will see you again”
Melanie: Yeah, after he commits suicide because he can’t stand to live without someone to control.
>”Edward I miss you…” I whispered as I became feathers and drifted upwards, and listened to the melodic tune of Pan.
Jarred: So spirits become feathers and then they go to heaven?
Gwen: Not before they sing incoherent songs.
M: (From the control room.) Hope you guys liked that one.
MiSTers: We didn’t.
M: (From the control room.) Here’s a poem about Breaking Dawn, Part 2.
Dominick: Emo Twilight poetry?!
Melanie: Don’t worry, honey. Just focus on your inner peace. You can overcome this.
>Breaking Dawn part 2
Kalinda: She’s missing the dollar sign.
>To this new life I awaken
>Every part of me was strengthen
>Then I saw your face with new eyes
>I knew I was in paradise
Gwen: … This girl isn’t trying to rhyme, is she?
M: (From the control room.) Yes.
>I’ll start forever with you
>And the rest I can live through
Jarred: It’s easy to live through things when you’re immortal.
(Dominick snickers. Then catches himself. Then snickers again.)
>No one can take you from me
>I’m as strong as they could be
Deangelo: I want to live in a tree, where I can count by threes, infested with fleas.
>There’s nothing else that could make me smile:
>The sight of your face every once in a while
>I’d be with you through thick and thin
>That’s how deep I have for you within
Gwen: “How deep I have for you within”? What in the world does that mean?
Dominick: Maybe she’s talking about the depth of her emotions that she has for Edward and how this special place in her heart is reserved only for him. Or, you know, something.
>I’d do everything to keep you
>Safe and sound and away from blue
Jarred: Away from blue? But blue is a lovely color! And water is blue. Drinking enough water is very important to maintain proper hydration.
>Death can never set us apart
>We belong in each other’s heart
Melanie: Technically, they can still die. It’s a lot more unlikely now. But, it can still happen.
>Everything’s exactly right
>Gone all the pain, the hurts, the fright
>It’s over all the moments of waiting
>And now forever’s what we’re facing
Tempest: Moments of waiting until they had sex for the first time. Like all good Mormon boys that live on their own planets.
>Eternity stretches for us
>And there’s no need for fuss
Kalinda: There’s ALWAYS need to fuss. Like when your imported luxury car blows a tire or you’re home schooling your dhampir daughter.
>I have finally reached my goal
>Now I’ve proven you have a soul
Deangelo: I wouldn’t be so sure about that last thing. Edward’s behavior never improved and their relationship can still be qualified as abusive. Know the warning signs, ladies. Don’t fall for an Edward.
>My Wednesday Hope
Tempest: My Wednesday hope, my Thursday morning regret.
>I can count the total number of losers I’d dated over the past year,
Kalinda: Amateur. I’ve lost count.
>I wasn’t desperate to get a boyfriend but it just happens don’t know why though. It’s like any jerk within a mile radius just finds me.
Kalinda: Yes, that’s exactly what I thought. Then I realized that I was the one picking them and that, as a grown woman, I could control my own life. It was quite a revelation.
>Like a magnet, and the worst part, something always tell me they were trouble.
Gwen: I’m going to go ahead and assume that the speaker is Bella and the love interest introduced will be Edward and make the observation that nothing has changed in her life.
>There was James the convicted murder, Tyler the drug addict, Mike the gay lover,
Deangelo: Gerald the haberdasher.
Tempest: Adam the anteater.
Dominick: Richard the mighty.
Melanie: Mr. Flibble the deranged penguin.
>yes just those three should be enough to put me off any man forever. My relationship history was quite sad. So I decided to let it go, be happy and free
Kalinda: Aw, come on. You know life isn’t complete if you don’t have a man to boss you around. Go cliff diving! It will make you feel better.
>So why am I here recalling my pathetic attempt relationships.
Melanie: I was hoping that you would eventually get to the point, but I didn’t want to rush you.
>My brother Emmett was making out with Rosalie,
Jarred: His sister.
>my best friend and business partner,
Kalinda: Ah, so we’re not really going with the Twilight cannon on this one, then. Interesting.
>no matter how much it grossed me out, they were the embodiment of love, why couldn’t I be as lucky?
Gwen: Embodiment of love? Making out in front of people is rude and attention seeking. Nothing that should be praised or admired.
>Emmett had just decided to settle down to meet the perfect girl and he got it right the first time
Dominick: Funny how shallow fanfictions work out like that.
Melanie: Dommie? What about light and love?
Dominick: Fuck that. I can’t take any more of this drippy shit. I’ve been Zen for a few hours. That’s good enough for today. I’ll try again tomorrow.
Melanie: Good to have you back, sweetie.
>something. I was quite envious of, even if Rose wasn’t as luck, at least she got it right the second time with my brother.
Tempest: Unfortunately, she still has those 4 kids and the cocaine habit from her first love.
>I rolled my eyes at their display. In fact, the only reason I was sitting here tolerating the feeling of loneliness and envy they were bestowing on me was because,
Gwen: (Bella.) I had already worked out my plot to kill them in their sleep. If they held that kiss a second longer, it was curtains for both of them.
>it was Emmett’s birthday and this was the only time I got to see him before the end of today.
>I caught someone looking at me,
Dominick: (Bella.) He couldn’t believe how utterly expressionless my face was. He was worried I had seen a hack doctor for Botox injections.
>but as soon as my eyes met his, he removed his gaze quickly. I thought I saw a hint of green in his eyes.
Deangelo: But there was no hint of employment about him.
>His hair was like a dirty penny which was curious, he looked handsome, devilishly so. He was sitting about six rows down with two couples who looked perfectly matched up.
Jarred: He had already stolen their wallets and was eyeing Bella’s clutch.
>There was a short girl with dark hair in a pixie cut; she had her head resting on the shoulders of a blond guy who reminded me a lot of Rosalie’s brother Garrett.
Kalinda: This is so weird. I mean, a dark haired girl with a pixie cut snuggling up to a blonde guy? She’s clearly talking about Alice and Jasper. But Rosalie is not part of the family and Emmett is Bella’s brother and no one is a vampire? If you’re going to change the characters and their backgrounds so much, why not just give them different names and make them original characters?
>Beside them was the other couple. They were much older than the rest but equally perfect, they were touching outwardly, but from my view I could see those holding hands under the table.
Kalinda: See what I mean! That’s Carlisle and Esme. But who the fuck are they in this story and why are they even being mentioned if this has nothing to do with the Twilight series?
>It was as if the world was throwing perfect couples in my front to make fun of me.
Dominick: Yeah, because you’re that important.
>I sighed and turned my attention to the ones in front of me, this time I think it was safe to say two was not better than one.
Tempest: Wait, what? Two what isn’t better than one?
Jarred: Two ice cream bars are better than one. Then you can share one with a friend!
>”I’m off to the boss some people” Emmett said standing up looking more imposing than he really was.
Melanie: Any good boss knows that they have to intimate their employees in order to keep them in line. First rule of management.
>He left me with a kiss to the cheek, pulling me up and twirling me around, I squealed even though I expected it. As I was turning, I got a glimpse of the copper haired man looking at me, then again who wasn’t.
Deangelo: Yes, because as soon as someone looks at you TWICE, you can tell they’re in love with you. No wonder this girl has had such bad relationships.
>I hit Emmett’s arm as he dropped me down I kissed his cheek before he kissed Rosalie one last time, leaving us alone. Rose excused herself before leaving too.
Kalinda: Had to go attend to that cocaine habit, probably.
>I sat back into the booth, opening the book I had with me.
Jarred: It was self-help book on how to avoid relationships with abusive men. She hadn’t made it past the forward.
>I had barely read a line before the boy I noticed earlier was. Standing in front of me, I gestured for him to take a seat, I thought he was here to complain about a waiter, I was already prepare to offer him a consolatory meal.
Gwen: Because he was pretty and pretty people just get everything they want in life, don’t they?
>He sat down and looked at me a few seconds before sitting
MiSTers: (@_@…) ….
Dominick: He didn’t just sit, he double-sat! That’s like sitting for MEN!
>”My family seems to think walking up to you and talk to you isn’t the weirdest thing they’ve heard of”
Kalinda: It wouldn’t be weird to start a conversation with someone, but starting it off like that is pretty weird…
>his voice had a hint of English accent and American accent mixed together.
Gwen: Like an English actor playing the part of an American? Surely not!
>”I’d do you one better, my brother seems to think slapping people with fish isn’t the weirdest thing he had witnessed” I offered.
Deangelo: This is clearly a reference to Monty Python’s fish slapping dance. I approve of this.
M: (From the control room.) Don’t bet on that, D.
>Though Emmett had only done it once and out of frustration.
Jarred: Because that’s a mature way to handle your emotions.
>He had been helping my dad with some of the fish they had gotten, Jacob, our childhood friend had been babbling about something, so Emmett out of anger slapped him not realizing he had a fish in his hand…Kodak moment.
Tempest: Uh, you probably had to be there.
Deangelo: That’s a ridiculous story! Why waste a perfect opportunity to reference the Fish Slapping Dance? I don’t like this story anymore.
>I was brought out of my reverie by the laughter of the man in front of me, he threw back his head an and laughed. I smiled.
Melanie: (Bella.) So he can laugh at unfunny childhood anecdotes. He’s a keeper!
>It was refreshing, the last douches I had dated never thought I was funny,
Kalinda: Maybe cause you’re not…
>I know it was wrong to compare someone I just met to them but I couldn’t help but notice.
Gwen: Yes, it’s wrong, but not for the reasons that you think. Comparing a man with your bevy of exes, who you readily admit are losers and participate in illegal activities, gives any average man a leg up, no matter how rude or contemptuous he is. Even if he’s a total tosser, at least he hasn’t murdered anyone, right? The absolute worst is not a good measuring stick for potential mates.
>Just then Charlotte came to clear the table we had used for breakfast. Copper scooted close to me to allow her some space.
Deangelo: Copper? The author named a character Copper? Why?
Melanie: Golda Lamé was already taken?
>”Morning Bella” she greeted
>”Hey Char, get me some more strawberries?” I asked her
Dominick: To which Char responded, “Get them yourself. I’m a waitress, not your servant.”
>”Sure, chocolate and whipped crème”
>I nodded my confirmation
Tempest: Hey, I want strawberries with chocolate and whipped cream! M, how come the characters in crappy Twilight fiction are eating better than we are?!
M: (From the control room.) What did Gwen just say about using the absolute worst as a measuring stick?
Tempest: I don’t care. I want strawberries!
M: (From the control room.) I’ll see what I can do for dinner.
>”Want anything?” I asked Copper, realizing I didn’t even know his name
Jarred: She knows Copper’s name, she just said it.
>”Hot chocolate with marshmallows”
>Charlotte looked at me and I smiled in response, she knew to put this order on the house, benefits of being the boss.
Deangelo: Which is a great way to eat into your profit margin, but apart from that, who in their right mind would present the owner of a café with a bill for eating at that café? They’ve already paid for the food.
>”She seems to be familiar with you, do you come here regularly?” he asked
>”Sometimes” I said smiling
Kalinda: Oh please, Edward would be reading everyone’s thoughts by now and know exactly what’s going on.
>”I can see why, this place is beautiful” he said looking around. I looked around to; this place had been my small success.
Melanie: This has got to be the most fascinating conversation that two people have ever had. I can’t wait until they move on to talking about the weather.
>We caught his family looking at us, they gave us a wave, I waved back shyly while Copper shook his head
Dominick: (Copper.) She’ll be lying dead, face down in a ditch by the end of the night.
>”So…” I said searching for his name
>”Edward, what brings you to Edible Ecstasy”
Deangelo: The fascinating conversation?
Jarred: The free food?
Tempest: The potential dating possibilities?
>”My family. My sister loves this place, she here for luch frequently, so when my parent said they were stopping by, she suggested this place.”
Melanie: Not to sound like Tempest, but can these two just get to the freaky vampire sex? I mean, come on, this is getting boring.
>”Thanks Char” I said as she placed my glass cup of melted chocolate and whipped cream.
Jarred: So wait, you put the chocolate IN the whipped cream? But then it’s not creamy anymore. Or does it absorb the whipped cream, so it’s creamier chocolate?
Kalinda: M, we need to test this shit out!
M: (From the control room.) Quit your griping. I just set up some chocolate-covered strawberries for everyone after the MiST.
M: (From the control room.) Not that any of you will remember that you asked for it by the time we’re finished…
>I dipped a slice of strawberry in it before taking a bite, licking my lips at the drop that escaped. My poison. Chocolate covered strawberries.
Deangelo: Well, this certainly is developing character and adding to the story. I mean, there are so few people who enjoy chocolate and strawberries. What a fascinating taste she has in desserts.
Tempest: Yeah, I can think of a song titled after chocolate and strawberries. It’s not exactly unique.
>I opened my eyes to see Charolette handing back Edward’s credit card
>”This cup is on the house” she insisted
Dominick: Edward nodded. Then he left with the cup.
>”Are you sure, wont your boss mind?” he asked
>”Actually I would say she’s pretty fine with it” I said waving charlotte away.
Tempest: (Bella.) You are dismissed, servant! Go scrub a pot or something.
>”and you know that because…” he said,
>”I own this place Edward, its just a cup of chocolate.” I said pointing it out even though I’m sure he already knew.
Melanie: I don’t know. Maybe he thought it was more than a cup of chocolate. Maybe he thought it was the start of an abusive, co-dependent relationship.
>”Thank you” he accepted it graciously. I nodded dipping another strawberry in chocolate.
>”what to you do?”
Dominick: (Edward.) Seduce underage girls, drink blood, be creepy. You know, average guy stuff.
>”I write music and teach music, my sister and I run an arts academy, she teaches ballet, I take music” he informed me
Gwen: He and Alice run an arts school? This fanfiction is so detached from the series. Why even bother inserting Twilight characters into something that has no relevance to the original material?
Deangelo: I’m wondering the same thing. Simply change the names in this story and it has no resemblance to Twilight at all.
>”that’s sweet” I say.
>He spent the rest of the morning telling me about the school, his family.
Jarred: His thirst for blood…
>He asked me about mine. I told him about Emmett and how our dad had died last year.
Tempest: Nooooo! Not Mustache Dad! This is so unfair. How can anyone kill off Mustache Dad?
>I did notice thing about him, he seemed respectful, and we were comfortable together.
Melanie: Well shit, time to marry him now!
>We found ourselves bumping innocently in one another and giving each other light touches. It was unpleasant, it didn’t make my blood run cold or give me that creepy tingle.
Jarred: Not getting the creeps from someone is hardly a reason to start dating them. Why does this author seem to think that anyone who isn’t a total creeper is good boyfriend material? Aim higher!
>He was different, that was for sure. I wouldn’t have known that so much time had passed if Alice hadn’t come to interrupt us
Tempest: (Alice.) It’s three in the morning and we have to go feed on wild animals.
Kalinda: Hey, wait a minute. How did Bella know that her name was Alice? She hadn’t introduced herself.
>”Sorry, Edward, we’re supposed to be open in an hour and Peter doesn’t have his key” she said then glanced at me sadly
Dominick: (Alice.) You can thank me later for rescuing you from this tedious conversation.
>Edward looked at me too as soon as his sister left
>”I’ll be here tomorrow, go” I informed him
Kalinda: That’s a pretty big leap, thinking that he would want to come see her again and continue the same, silly conversation.
>”walk me out?” he said standing up offering me his hand which I took.
Deangelo: (Nature documentary narrator.) And this is where the predatory makes his move. He first isolates the female from her friends and co-workers, leading her away from the public to a secluded area where he can feed without witnesses. Let us now see how he completes the feeding ritual.
>We were walking down the block as we neared toward a black Volvo, he turned to look at me
Jarred: Uh, “walk me out” is usually a request to walk someone to the door, not down the block. Who is managing the café right now?
>”would you mind if I stop by this evening, so we can go out to dinner” he asked politely
Kalinda: Uh, yeah. You have to ask a girl several days in advance if you want to go out with her. She can’t just act like she has nothing in her life and make plans at the last moment! Why does no one read The Rules!?
>That giddy felling, you know the one, the one that makes you feel you can’t wait for something
Tempest: Like when I see the bulge in a guy’s pants and know he’s hiding a monster in there?
Gwen: Yes, that exact feeling.
>”I’ll wait for you”
>”good. Cause I really like you and I would love to spend time with you” he said kissing my cheek and then my forehead
Jarred: It’s almost like after that one simple conversation they have insight into each other’s souls.
>For the first time, in a three years, on a Wednesday in my Café…I found my hope again.
Melanie: Little did she know this new hope would one day impregnate her with a half-vampire baby, then rip the child out of her womb with his teeth. Ah, romance.
Deangelo: But when you think about it, there’s no indication in the entire story that anyone is a vampire. There isn’t even an explicit mention of the narrator’s name. This “fanfiction” is really just an original story with Twilight character’s names slapped onto it.
M: (From the control room.) Right you are. That’s why we MiSTed this. It pisses me off when someone writes a fanfic then changes everything recognizable about the characters and their universe.
Dominick: WE didn’t MiST shit. You aren’t doing any of the heavy lifting here!
M: (From the control room.) ….I was using the royal we. Next story!
>Bella of the force of the shield
Gwen: Bella… of the force…. of the shield?
Melanie: And we’re off to a rip roaring start!
Dominick: Wow, the author must have taxed some brain cells coming up with that pen name. I mean, it’s so original and unique.
>Ok so I was reading a fanfiction where Bella asked if her shield would work when she was a human,and I decided to write a fanfiction based on that,
Jarred: That’s not really a good premise for a fanfiction.
Kalinda: Besides, it was quite clear in the books and the movie that Bella couldn’t use her shield powers while she was human. Why would she have let Edward get smacked around by the Volutri in New Moon if she would have been able to shield him from it?
>characters might be OC and Rose and Bella are friends cos’ they have read the twilight saga.
Melanie: What? The fictional characters have read the fictional account of their lives? Does this make any sense?
Tempest: Maybe the author is trying to say that the Twilight series was a biographical account and the people were real, just fictionalized.
Melanie: That’s even scarier than I thought. I sure as hell don’t want sparkly vampires running around in the world.
>Bella’s Point of View.
>After reading the books,everything was pretty much the same.
Melanie: I still don’t get it. But, we can only hope that the author will explain what’s going in a logical and concise way.
Deangelo: Don’t hold your breath.
>Minor differences,like me and Rosalie friends,Me and Edward planning for a wedding for a couple weeks away,and most importantly of course,preparing for my daughter. My Renesmee Carlie Cullen.
Kalinda: Wait, what? They’re not married yet but they’re preparing for their daughter?
Gwen: This is not appropriate for Twilight fans. Mormon god will be very displeased.
>I was practicing my shield today with Jasper.
Tempest: Uh yeah, is there going to be any explanation for how Bella can use her shield as a human when the books and movies made it clear that she couldn’t? Or am I just asking too much.
Others: Asking too much.
>Edward was hunting and Jasper was only one home,obviously we came prepared and called Kate ahead of time who was pretty happy to help.
Jarred: Yeah, she just ran down from Canada to help out with this little training session. Not much of a commute when you have supernatural vampire abilities.
>Said it would be interesting too watch a human with super powers.
Gwen: Even though there’s no reasoning behind why she has them…
>”Belly,you ready for the training?”Jasper asked walking into mine and Edward’s room.
Tempest: Belly? Is that some kind of comment on her figure? How rude.
>”Yeah big brother,Kate’s here?”I questioned as we walked down the stairs and out into the front yard.
Jarred: Where big, ferocious wolves were waiting because they had read in the Twilight series that the Cullens thought that they smelled bad and they were pissed!
>”Yes,I’m here. Nice too meet you Bella,I’m Kate.”Kate said coming to stand next to Jasper,she opened her arms,a way of asking for a hug.
Dominick: Another way is stripping naked and dancing while singing the “I need a hug” song. But this is a little more conventional.
>”Hello,I am Bella,nice too meet you.”I told her stepping into her arms. She chuckled before letting me go.
Kalinda: She had already implanted the homing beacon onto the back of Bella’s neck. Now the aliens would know just where to strike.
>”Lets get started before Eddie comes back”Jasper said.
>”Jazzy-fingers,don’t call him Eddie he don’t like it.”I teased Jasper.
Melanie: Jazzy fingers? The hell kind of nickname is that?
Deangelo: Was the author reaching for the term “jazz hands” and fell short?
Tempest: Could have been looking for “spirit fingers” too. I would accept that answer.
>He shushed me grinning before becoming serious.
>”Okay,so Bella you’re going to have to concentrate,more than in the book because your human.”
Gwen: I still don’t understand how this works. Where the books biographies of the Cullens and their various friends and foes? Where the books prophecies? Do they know that they’re fictional and they’re revolting against it?
M: (From the control room.) I have no idea, but it’s never explained in the story.
>”I know.”I stated. Jasper took a step towards Kate and I imagined Edward in Jasper’s place,
Kalinda: (Bella.) Edward had better hair.
>I focused on the force around my mind,stretching it,picturing what I wanted it too look like. It was white stretchy elastic.
Jarred: With glitter?
Gwen: It neglects to mention glitter.
Jarred: But if you can imagine it looking like anything you want, then why not imagine it with glitter?
Gwen: Clearly, this story doesn’t go far enough.
>Stretching tightly around Jaspers form,I pushed it out tightly,I pushed it around Jasper tightly and knew not too lose concentration or I would lose it.
Deangelo: I think we should all stop and admire this poorly constructed sentence for the tragedy that is it. A moment of silence, please.
(The MiSTers pause and reverently reflect. Dominick accidently burps. Melanie smacks him.)
>A few seconds after Jasper felt nothing her yelped in pain. I lost it.
>”Oops,sorry big brother” I told him sheepishly.
Melanie: Maybe Kate should try zapping Bella to see how well her shield works…
>”Okay,so pretend I am Renesmee.”Okay that would probably work,I could see a red haze ablaze in my vision.
Jarred: Her daughter is a red haze?
>My shield ached to protect my daughter.
Kalinda: If they’re not married yet, then they haven’t boned and she hasn’t gotten pregnant and therefore, Renesmee is simply a twinkle in Edward’s eye.
>My daughter who was not here.
Kalinda: Well, okay then. Good to know we’re not the only ones who have noticed this.
Deangelo: I still don’t understand how this works. So the entire Twilight cast has read the Twilight series and know their futures. But they don’t seem to be able, or interested, in changing their futures to improve their outcome. Also, Bella now has supernatural abilities, even though she’s still human. None of this makes sense.
Gwen: I see your quandary, but I somehow doubt that the author is going to explain anything to us in this bizarre fanfiction.
>I focused on Jasper,and pictured my baby there. It was working because it snapped around him,not a chance of me pulling it back,I was in some sort of zombie like state.
Dominick: Which no one was able to tell from her regular state…
>Everything was slowly slipping away,the sounds,the voices of Jasper and Kate,everything. I started seeing something,something like a vision I suppose,Something that Alice would normally see.
Deangelo: And now Bella has extra powers. On top of the ones she’s not supposed to have already…
Tempest: I vote that we conduct the rest of this MiST in Simlish, as a form of protest against nonsense.
(The MiSTers exchange glances.)
Jarred: But I don’t understand Simlish. How am I supposed to speak it?
Dominick: Jarred, Simlish is just gibberish. It’s not an actual language.
Melanie: It’s like talking in tongues. Just engage the bullshit section of your brain and go for it!
M: (From the control room.) Kids, an automatic translation machine is in engaged while you’re MiSTing. Speaking in Simlish will still result in English.
M: (From the control room.) It was an upgrade that Timb put in. Just in case you guys tried to do something like this.
Kalinda: Timb is so dead next time we see him…
>My vision was now nothing but black,and a little girl cowering in fear behind me. I looked around and I could see every friend,every ally.
Kalinda: This sounds familiar… In a bad way…
>I looked across the snow I now noticed on the floor,and started straight into the faces of the Volturi. I crouched in the vision,snarling heavily at the sight of them. It was like I was watching it from a different view.
Gwen: Just like when you’re watching a movie, I suppose.
Kalinda: M, is this just a rewrite of the terrible “plot twist” that happened in the movie?
M: (From the control room.) Yep.
Deangelo: Brilliant. We’re now MiSTing the written version of a bad scene in a Twilight movie. This is just what I wanted to put on my résumé.
>We had already greeted the Volturi,already let Aro’s dirty hands touch Renesmee’s,and Alice was already there,showing Alice a vision,A vision I was now watching.
Melanie: How lazy of a writer do you have to be to just insert entire sections of a film into your fanfic?
Jarred: What about that one that repeated an entire huge segment of the story word-for-word and we had to reMiST all of it? That was pretty lazy.
Dominick: WE had to reMiST it? WE didn’t do shit. I reMiSTed all of it!
Jarred: I was using the royal we…
>I watched in horror,as Alice looked me in the eyes and mouthed,’Now.’ too me. I had looked at Jacob and Renesmee,telling him to run and keep my daughter safe.
Deangelo: Which was not at all disturbing, seeing as he had “imprinted” on an infant.
Dominick: He’s kind of like her Godfather.
Deangelo: Uh huh.
Dominick: Who’s going to have sex with her someday… Okay, yeah, that’s a little creepy.
>Edward had looked at me in horror. Aro told the Volturi to take Alice away and Carlisle snapped,Carlisle shouted at them to let her go,before charging.
Tempest: Charging entirely too much for hair products! Seriously though, Carlisle has awesome hair.
>Aro met him in the air as he took his leap,and snapped his head off. Everyone gasped and shrieked in fear and horror at what had happened.
M: (From the control room.) I remember seeing this in theatres and thinking that they could just, you know, stick his head back on and apply some glue and he would be alright again.
Dominick: You saw this crap in theaters?
M: (From the control room.) On opening night, no less. It was the last movie, I wanted to bury it in person and dance on its grave. Also, a certain Nikki Reed promised a 150 person dance sequence at the end. Guess what didn’t happen?
Melanie: That’s funny and sad at the same time. Weird.
>Everyone growled even me,where I was now. We all charged at the Volturi,taking some of them down.
Gwen: Well, we didn’t see the movie and we get to relive the craptastic ending just like all those other unfortunate souls.
Tempest: I bet there still won’t be a 150 person dance sequence.
>My eyes in the vision’s met Jane’s and she smirked,looking at Jasper who was now fighting too. I also looked at him with chargin,pushing my shield out to protect him.
M: (From the control room.) The Urban Dictionary defines “chargin” as “A word used to describe the feeling you get when someone says something so absolutely wrong that you don’t even know where to begin to correct them.”
Deangelo: Sort of like a Gish Gallop.
Melanie: This is so meta.
>I did,but Alec tackled me,hitting me in the face. I got up and was fighting,I nearly had his head off but he flung me on the floor,crawling towards me,I heard a deep growl.
Kalinda: (Bella.) It was lunch time and I was so hungry!
>Emmett came running over tearing Alec far away,ripping his head from his body,and setting it alight. I smiled wryly at him before we both took off,I always kept an eye on Jane though.
Melanie: (Bella.) She was wearing those cute boots and I wanted to make sure that I got them off her feet before someone set her on fire.
>I was crying right now though,watching this was hard.
Tempest: I want to say, “that’s what she said.” But I’m really not sure if that make sense in this context.
Gwen: Just because the word “hard” appears in a sentence, doesn’t mean that it automatically has a sexual connotation.
Tempest: So sue me for being bored and trying to inject some sexiness into the story.
>I watched as Ben,smashed his fist onto the floor,splitting it into two halves. Lots of people where pushed into the now gaping hole. Leah,some of the Volturi. Edward.
Dominick: Team Jacob, bitches!
Others: (@_@) ….Wha?
Dominick: I mean, you know, Team Jacob sucks and is silly. So is team Edward. I’m just glad that he’s dead.
>I gasped. NO! no my Vampire. I dropped too the floor on my knees watching as the me in the vision gasped staring wide eyed,
Jarred: Why does she keep saying “floor”? The entire battle scene is in a field. It makes them sound like they’re having this ultimate throw down inside. Like at a Chuck-E-Cheese’s.
>before smiling and exhaling in relief as Edward came back up the hole,killing the vampire who pushed him down.
Gwen: You know, I’ve never seen the final Twilight movie, but based on this alone, I don’t think I want to. Unless there’s a RiffTrax involved…
>The me in the vision seemed to realize Aro coming into the fight,the same time as her Edward.
Tempest: This would sound a lot less awkward if it was just written in first person and put in italics. What’s wrong with some nice italics? We would know what’s going on. No need to keep talking about the me in the vision.
>Her and Edward ran at the same time,me being closer got there first,I could not do anything though as he hit me,flinging me through the air as if I was a bug.
Melanie: (Bella.) Then I pulled out my Glock and capped that bitch right in between his eyes.
Tempest: The following excerpt from the spinoff series, Twilight in the Hood.
>Edward stopped staring at my flying form,before we crashed. Aro was still
coming,Edward and I glazed into each other’s eyes.
Deangelo: (Face palming.) Glazing is for doughnuts, gazing is for people.
>A silent goodbye I realized. Edward gripped my hand and leg,swinging me around to hit Aro. And hit Aro I did.
Kalinda: Edward usually thinks of her as a prop, so why not use her knock someone unconscious?
Dominick: You know that meme that goes, “I’m so pissed I’d beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker”? It’s kind of like that.
>Edward threw me on him,so I could kick him. Aro and Edward now faced each other,and Edward and Aro had each others heads,
Tempest: Aro felt Edward’s gentle hands in his hair and he stopped, taken aback how someone could be so strong, yet so loving. At the same time Edward gently stroked Aro’s face, realizing how wonderful their embrace felt to him. Not like the pretend, lovey-dovey crap that he was faking with Bella. He felt actual emotions filling his body.
>I crouched and leaped onto his shoulders taking his head in mine,wanting to feel the pleasure of his enabled head in my hands. Edward kicked and pushed,and Aro was no more but a flame on the floor.
Deangelo: Is it just me or does this description of a vampire death sound vaguely like a woman giving birth?
Melanie: If you read it a certain way, yes. Right up until the part about Aro catching fire and dying.
>Everything was coming back into focus now.
Jarred: Bella realized that she had to get out of her abusive relationship with Edward and live out her life as a normal human girl.
>”Bella,my Bella. Come on baby,come back too me”Some one was dry sobbing,my hearing was back,my sighting slowly regaining.
Jarred: It’s so sad that vampires are supposed to be so great, but they can’t even cry. Sometimes everyone needs a good cry. It’s just part of being human.
Melanie: But vampires aren’t human, they’re vampires.
Jarred: Well, they should still be able to cry. Maybe they could trade that for their ability to sparkle. No one needs that.
>”Baby,please. please” His voice cracked again,Edward.
Kalinda: Yeah, Edward would sure be calling Bella “baby”. I remember when he did that in all of the books. Like that time when he…. No wait… or that other time when they… Nope. Never happened.
>I struggled against the resistance of my sight wanting it to come back. I gasped as everything came into view. I was in Edward arms the whole family looking worriedly at me,Kate was not in sight.
Deangelo: Kate didn’t want to get blamed for Bella going batty.
>”Baby?”Edwards voice shook. I lost it.
>”Edward!Edward I’m so sorry”I sobbed as I jumped up off my knees and into his arms.
Melanie: So wait, she just saw that vision, but she already knows what happens in the Twilight books, so she just saw a vision of what she already knew was going to happen happening?
Tempest: No, she… I’m lost.
Kalinda: Technically, that scene only happened in the movie, so if she had read the books, then she wouldn’t have known about that entire scene as it didn’t happen in the books. So maybe she read the book, but is having a vision from the movie?
>He was shaking with dry sobs.
Dominick: Oh please, the dude is over 100 years old and a vampire. He’s seen a lot of shit. A girl freaking out for a few minutes wouldn’t scare him like that.
Gwen: But Bella is the one true love of his life. If you saw Melanie having a seizure, wouldn’t you be moved to tears?
Dominick: Fuck no, I’ll call the medics and make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.
Gwen: You wouldn’t be deeply emotionally effected by her plight?
Dominick: Not while I’m calling for help and clearing the area to give her room.
Gwen: You simply aren’t a romantic, Dominick.
Dominick: I can live with that.
>”Baby,I love you,don’t ever do that too me again!”Edward told me kissing me softly before passing me into someone else’s arms. No I want Edward.
Melanie: Sure, just pass her off to someone else like she’s a toddler. That’s perfectly okay. This is Twilight!
>”Bella,my dear daughter”Carlisle sighed in relief. Relief flooded me too. He got killed in the battle ground.
Deangelo: But now he’s back!
Dominick: Zombie vampire!
Jarred: That would be really scary. A zombie that’s a vampire. They would be so hard to kill. Although their sparkling in the sunlight would definitely alert people to their presence rather quickly.
>”I’m so so sorry daddy,I love you daddy”I whispered brokenly.
MiSTers: (O_o) ….
Gwen: This is a little…
Melanie: I don’t care how cool I’d be with my father-in-law, I can’t see myself ever calling him “daddy” and saying that I love him in a whisper.
>”I love you too.”He passed me onto Esme who was dry sobbing on me.
Jarred: Uh, is Bella going to get passed around to the entire family so they can dry sob and tell her how much they love her? Cause this is just getting more and more cringe worthy by every second.
>”My precious sweet daughter,don’t ever do that too me again,I love you”She admitted.
Deangelo: You know, I never liked the idea that your spouse’s parents considering you their child. Because then you married you sibling and that just adds a whole other layer of bizarre onto it.
>”I’m sorry.”I kissed her cheek. “I love,I love you too mommy”I mumbled against her shoulder. I was scoped up into a bear hug.
Dominick: This is worse than watching Meet the Parents with your in-laws.
>”I love you little sister”Emmett’s voice boomed.
>”I know,Me too”I was losing a battle to exhaustion.
Melanie: Yeah, being hugged is so taxing.
>I looked up into Rosalie’s face,and Relief filled my body again,she nearly died too protect me. I flung myself at her.
Gwen: Unfortunately, Rosalie was quite happy with Emmett and was startled by her sister-in-law’s advances.
Tempest: This just gave me a really good idea for some Twilight slash fanfiction.
>”Rosalie! Oh Rose I’m so sorry,I know you hate me,I’m sorry,I love you so much,you and Esme are so much more like mom’s too me then Renee and I don’t want to dissapoint you,I’m sorry I love you mommy Rose”I whispered through my sobs.
Jarred: What did she just say about her mom?!
Deangelo: Renee raises Bella for 17 years and takes care of her for so long, only to have someone known Bella’s for a miniscule portion of her life deemed her true mother? What an ungrateful brat.
>”Oh Bella!,I love you too. So very much,and sweetheart,you have given me what nobody else could. A daughter. A sweet beautiful daughter.
Melanie: Uh, I hope Alice and Rosalie went spontaneously deaf before she said this.
>I love you too my beautiful daughter”Rosalie said kissing my forehead and hugging me tightly.
Gwen: Well, get a move on, there’s more family members for you to hug and whine to. Maybe Jacob and the wolves will show up and get in on the action.
>I flung myself at Jasper next.
(The MiSTers all face palm.)
>”Jasper!I’m sorry too you,that must have been horrible,I love you big over-protective big brother,forgive me,for my scent
Jarred: You could just shower, Bella.
Kalinda: It’s the scent of her human blood, remember. Jasper should have ripped her throat out by now.
>but I love you,and make sure you never leave me”I again admitted brokenly as he tenderly rubbed my back telling me he wouldn’t.
Dominick: Although at this point he was desperate to tell her anything to get her to stop crying. Men hate to see women cry. Scientific fact.
>I stepped out of his hug slowly looking at Alice’s fragile looking face.
>”Alice?”I said tears coming down my cheeks noisily.
Kalinda: Her tears were noisy? How can tears be noisy?
Jarred: Maybe they were whining as much as she was.
>”Don’t do that,Ever. You scared me so much”She whispered and flung herself at me,knocking me down.
>Suddenly we were a blob of flying sobs,and hugs and kisses,rolling all over.
Dominick: Not going to lie, that’s kind of hot.
Tempest: Hell yeah, it is.
>”I love you Ali”I whispered hugging her closer.
>”I love you too belly”She mumbled helping me up.
Gwen: I despise these nicknames. They’re just silly.
Deangelo: Doesn’t Alice have visions?
Deangelo: So wouldn’t Alice do the same thing that Bella did during the vision?
Kalinda: I guess.
Deangelo: So why is everyone freaking out again when they’ve been living with someone that goes through the same thing regularly?
Melanie: Desperate need for entertainment?
>I took a deep breath,before looking into Edwards eyes. His posture was tense and his eyes where wild with fright. With fear.
>”Baby?”He mumbled incoherently. He was terrifed.
Tempest: Uh, that was pretty coherent. He just said baby. Not really a complicated sentence.
>”Love,I’m so sorry,I love you so so much. More than anything.”I exclaimed running into his arms.
Dominick: Alright you love each other, we get it! Stop blabbering about it already!
Tempest: Yeah, just go have sex or something!
Dominick: Yeah! …Hey, wait.
>”What happened,Baby,tell me. I thought you were gone.”he whispered so broken. I kissed him softly before caressing his cheeks.
Gwen: M, is the rest of this silly fic everyone fawning over Bella and asking her if she’s okay?
M: Nah, there’s some more crying and an author’s note.
>”I’m here,and honey,I’m sorry.”His eyes where still much too wild.
>We all retreated too the living room,all the Cullen’s where situated around the room,no chairs left so I started lowering myself on the ground when I heard a whimper.
Deangelo: Everyone turned to see that a lost cat had wandered in out of the cold. Jasper immediately grabbed it and drained it of its blood.
>Everyone turned too look at Edward,he showed fear. He held his arms up too me.
“Bella?Come here baby. I need you.”He whimpered
Melanie: Seriously? Is this kind of neediness really that attractive?
>and his eyes where wet with tears that would never fall. I rushed over to him,feeling the overwhelming urge to snuggle up so tight it would hurt.
Melanie: I guess it is.
Dominick: You wouldn’t find it appealing if I got all teary eyed and co-dependent?
Melanie: No! There is nothing enticing about someone who has an unhealthy fixation on you.
>”my daughter,what happened?”Carlisle asked softly. So I explained everything I saw,beginning to end. Everyone was shocked into silence.
Kalinda: Then they all said, “But wait, wasn’t that the verbatim account of that movie we just watched last week?” And everyone moved on with their lives.
>”Daddy,If I never came nothing like this would have happened.”I said softly. >”Maybe..maybe I should go?”A loud sob broke every train of thought as I looked at Edward. He looked so..So scared!
Jarred: And tiny and defenseless. Like a little puppy that needs to be cuddled and fed with a bottle. This is how all good relationships are formed.
>”No! Don’t leave me,please baby”He pleaded,voice thick with fear.
>”I’m not,I promise”I felt relief as he slowly relaxed.
Tempest: But this only lasted for the next ten seconds. After that time was up Edward was sobbing and in need of reassurance, yet again.
>”Bella!You will not take my daughter away from me,I love her too much”Rosalie admonished.
Melanie: Her daughter?
Kalinda: Renesmee? Her daughter that isn’t born yet? How can you take someone who isn’t even born away from someone else who isn’t giving birth to her? Fuck, I’m confused.
>”Yes momma Rose”I spoke softly still focused on Edward. “Everyone quiet for a minute Edward baby,do something for me?”I smiled.
>”Yes baby?”He asked.
Dominick: (Bella.) Grow a pair.
>”Try and read everybody’s minds on the count of ten..Okay?” He nodded,so I got to work on shielding everyone. I felt a slight pressure on the shield but not breaking through.
Tempest: The same can be said for her hymen the first time she had sex with Edward.
>”I-I can’t.”He said shocked,so I let everyone go. I had a better understanding with my gift now. I’m proud.
Melanie: So, what did she learn about her “gift”?
Kalinda: I have no idea. None of this makes any sense. I’ve given up on trying to figure it out.
>”Me”I said,as every pair of eyes looked at me with a sense of pride. And amusment.
Jarred: “Me” is not a complete sentence.
Deangelo: Maybe Bella’s intelligence is devolving to the point where she can only manage this form of expression.
Jarred: Has she been reading this fic?
>Ah well,Emmett is Emmett. Take what you can get.
>”So you will help me against Eddie?”
Melanie: (Bella.) I think it’s best not to piss off the person I have to spend 24 hours a day with. And we don’t sleep, Emmett. No sleeping. We’re awake the entire time.
>”No Emmett McCarty Cullen,and call him Edward or so help me god..”I snarled and he backed away.
Tempest: Yeah, with all of the pointless nicknames floating around in this story, Eddie is clearly the worst.
>”Bella,you-you’re eyes are pitch black”Emmett stuttered. I crouched not thinking,my lip curled and I growled warningly.
Deangelo: But she’s still human! And she’s Bella Swan! Emmett could kill her with the right glance!
>I felt two warm hand encircle my waist,Kissing my lips softly. I gasped after shocked at what I had done.
Kalinda: (O_O) Did Emmett just kiss her?
Gwen: I hope not. This would make for a very awkward vampire Thanksgiving.
>”Emmy,I’m so sorry!”
>”It,Its okay”He grinned.
>”I guess the adventure gave you some immortal vampire traits”Carlisle said.
Jarred: Just smile and nod, everyone. Smile and nod.
>”Oh cool,But do I still get Renesmee?”I asked.
Deangelo: Yes, you get her sometime in the future, which you already know about and could avoid, but won’t. Because this somehow all makes sense.
>”Yeah,thanks daddy,love you. Love you mommy’s”
>”Love you.”All three whispered and I fell back into Edward and gave into my exhaustion. My forever was going to be complete.
Gwen: Isn’t it nice to have your life all wrapped up before you’re even 19?
>That was a story for another day.
Deangelo: No, no isn’t not. This story doesn’t need to be told. Not at all.
M: (From the control room.) A short author’s note, then on to the next fanfic!
>ignore spelling and grammer,Just wanted to know If you liked it before I edit.
Kalinda: I’ll take this one.
Melanie: Go ahead.
Kalinda: The spelling and grammar was bad, but even if that was all flawless, this story is still hideously ridiculous. It doesn’t make sense, things aren’t explained, people are out of character, and overall, it’s just not an interesting or compelling story. So yeah, you should have had some simple pride in your work and corrected it before you posted it. But you should have had enough awareness that nothing in this fanfiction makes sense. Next!
Jarred: Wheeee… I can’t wait.
>By White Mask Black Eyes
Gwen: Empty. The title is so meta that I don’t even want to give the author credit for it.
>Summary: When you loose someone, you loose apart of your heart. You feel so empty. You feel abandoned.
Tempest: You can’t loose someone, but people can be loose. People tend to be more fun if they’re loose.
Melanie: Hey, there’s a Saturday’s song called One Shot. Anyone want to sing?
Kalinda: No. The joy has been sucked out of me. I know how Grumpy Cat feels every day of her life.
Dominick: Uh, did someone have a baby?
>The rain continued but it could never relieve the empty sadness that filled Bella’s heart. To Bella nothing had meaning anymore.
Gwen: Did someone dump her?
>It was an empty world with no light and no hope for her dear angel had left her. Edward and the rest of the Cullen’s had abandoned Bella, she was alone now.
Gwen: Yes, she got dumped. Now her life has no point or meaning, because why live when you don’t have a boyfriend?
>The first month after they left she tried to move on, but her heart had just been ripped out and there was no hiding it.
Melanie: Not with the gaping hole in her chest!
>Her face turned an ashen grey, her once sparkling brown eyes turned dull, her hair a mess of knots.
Jarred: She doesn’t have a boyfriend, so why would she need to care about her appearance?
Dominick: I bet she hasn’t shaved her legs in weeks.
>Jessica, Angela, Mike, Eric, even Lauren tried to bring back her once lively spirit. But
every time they tried she just slipped farther and farther away from them.
Deangelo: But how can mere mortals be entertaining once she’s played baseball with vampires? Honestly.
>She was empty.
Tempest: Then she needs to find something to fill her up! Come on, there have to be more boys in Forks.
Melanie: Yeah, but none like her Edward.
Tempest: I’ve never seen someone lament the end of an abusive relationship so much…
>To the uttermost horror of the residents of Forks, she even went as far as attempt suicide.
Kalinda: Because what joy can life hold once your boyfriend has dumped you? None, that’s what. Life is meaningless if you’re single, impressionable teenage girls. Never forget that.
>Before she was fully lost to the land of the dead her father came and rushed her to the hospital. Once she had recovered to a certain degree, they sent her to a ward for the suicidal/ depressed people.
Gwen: I’ve never heard of someone refer to a psychiatric ward like that before.
Dominick: Come on, Gwen. It’s a ward for the suicidal slash depressed person in all of us! Come now and bring a friend to receive half off your entire stay!
>People came to visit her but she would never acknowledge them, her eyes were empty just as her heart was empty.
Jarred: Is she comatose now?
Tempest: Maybe. But telling a comatose Bella from the regular Bella would be pretty difficult.
Jarred: Maybe she bites her lip less in this state.
>Renee and Charlie knew that there daughter was beyond there help, but they thought that the Cullen’s would be able to change their daughter.
Kalinda: Change her into a co-dependent, abusive relationship victim. Oh wait, already done.
>They put their money into finding the Cullens and bringing them to the ward to see Bella.
Dominick: Translation: they looked up their latest Check In on Facebook.
>After a few weeks search they located them in Alaska. Without a moments hesitation they were off to retrieve them. They came to a large house that was tucked away deep in the woods.
Deangelo: It was surrounded by animal corpses that had no blood left in them. Mustache Dad and Renee thought that this was very strange, but continued along anyway.
>The Cullen’s were shocked upon seeing Charlie and Renee there.
Tempest: They had been in the middle of an all-in-the-family macking session.
>Charlie and Renee wasted no time they immediately began filling in the details of Bella’s condition to the Cullen’s.
Gwen: The Cullens are mystified as to why a young lady would be so distraught over the loss of a boyfriend that she would try to end her life that they concluded that Bella must be very ill indeed. They sent Renee and Charlie back with plenty of money to use for Bella’s future medication and therapy sessions.
>When they finished with there explanation all there was, was total silence. Everyone’s heart was full of regret, pity, and fear. But nobody had more regret, or pity, or fear, than Edward Cullen did.
Kalinda: He regretted gelling his hair this morning. That style was so dated. Who was he kidding?
>Feeling guilt upon bringing this pain to Charlie, Renee, and especially on Bella they agreed to visit the ward.
Dominick: Because if you can’t use logic, use guilt! It’s a great motivator.
>When they all got to the ward they were once again saddened, Bella had once again attempted suicide.
Deangelo: I thought psychiatric wards were where there’s nothing around to harm yourself with.
Melanie: You usually have to smuggle something in, get someone to smuggle something in for you or be really creative. But it’s possible. It’s always possible.
>They had medical staff positioned in the room now to prevent her from another attempt.
Tempest: Yeah, because they were so effective the first time.
>Charlie and Renee left the Cullens to see Bella because the two of them had began to weep.
>Alice was the first to attempt to bread Bella from her emotionless and empty state.
Gwen: She attempted to… bread her?
Tempest: How are carbs going to help this situation? Be reasonable, people!
>Alice went up to her and took her hands. Bella looked into Alice’s eyes and nothing appeared in her own eyes, no sign of recognition.
Kalinda: You know, if break ups actually lead to this kind of behavior, no teenager would be allowed to date ever.
>Alice smiled at her and said,” Bella, its me Alice, remember? We shopped together and things? Do you remember?” but Alice received no response.
Jarred: Except when Bella lifted her head and informed Alice that she still owed her five dollars after she had loaned her some money to get that cute top she liked.
>Rosalie just smirked and said,” She is so weak and pathetic.” Everyone rounded on Rosalie for that statement.
Deangelo: Because they didn’t like people pointing out the truth.
>Jasper then turned his attention on Bella and tried to use his power to lighten her up. It had no affect on her she was lost and it was to late.
Gwen: Then they all shrugged their shoulders and went out for ice cream. The end.
>Everyone tried to cheer her up but nothing changed. Finally Edward came forward, it was the last attempt to bring her back from the deep depths of nothingness that she was in.
Tempest: Bella snapped back consciousness to tell him that his shirt was dirty, then went comatose again.
>He put his hand on her cheek and turned her head to him. Her heart rate remained the same, but her eyes showed some recognition.
Melanie: Suddenly, she slapped him across the face and called him a douche nozzle for leaving her.
>They held a little sparkle but then it was gone like the dying glow of an ember. They spent another hour trying but at last they had to leave for visiting hours were over.
Gwen: And it was taco night on the ward, so everyone was very excited to get to dinner.
>The next day they came to see her only to find that she had passed away last night of natural causes ‘supposedly’.
Jarred: Something caused an eighteen-year-old girl to die naturally?
Kalinda: She forgot how to breathe?
Deangelo: She drown herself in two inches of water?
Dominick: The hospital staff were too lazy to do an autopsy?
>But they did find a letter on a nightstand it read:
>I love you Edward Cullen
>Forever and ever
Melanie: Seriously? That’s the entire fic?
Deangelo: How terribly pointless and depressing.
M: (From the control room.) Speaking of pointless; here’s your last fanfic!
Jarred: Alright everyone, it’s our last story. After this we can go get dinner and have an adventure tonight. Maybe we’ll invite Ingie over!
Dominick: We better not. I kind of make this promise to him that I would live in love and light from now on and the glow has worn off.
M: (From the control room.) Heads up, kids.
>Edward and the Cat
(The MiSTers look up at the control room suspiciously.)
M: (From the control room.) What?
>This is just a short bit of fluff I thought up when I was at my friends’ house- they have the cutest little kittens.
Dominick: How could someone take something as happy as a litter of kittens and turn it into something as painful as a fluffy Twilight fanfiction?
Melanie: I don’t know, but I’m not sure that I want to live on a world where this can happen.
>Although it was rather frustrating when they didn’t answer the question I was always asking them- “Can Edward Cullen purr?”
Tempest: And why were you asking a bunch of kittens this?
>I figured, you know, them being cats, they’d know.
Tempest: Uh huh. So kittens would know if a fictional character that you’re irrationally in love with is able to purr.
>But apparently cats don’t speak English.
Deangelo: I’m so sorry you had to find this out now. I imagine you could have gone ten or twenty more years without coming across this fact.
Kalinda: She IS kidding, you know.
Deangelo: Of course. Just because she was kidding doesn’t mean that her joke was amusing or well thought out.
>Oh well. …Reviews appreciated!
Melanie: I’ve got your review right here, bitch!
>I walked into the house. The television was on, so I assumed he was home.
Kalinda: Come on, Mustache Dad! Save this fic from being a total loss!
>Normally, I wouldn’t care, but I wanted to know why there were balls of yarn on the floor by the front door, half torn to shreds.
Jarred: Wait, are the balls of yarn half torn to shreds or the door?
Gwen: I’m going to assume the balls of yarn. The story is about a cat, not a werewolf.
>”In here,” Charlie called. Then he cried out, in pain. I practically ran over to him (I couldn’t actually run, I would probably just trip), worried.
Deangelo: Yes, because not being able to walk in a straight line is such a desirable characteristic in a future mate. I can see why Edward loves her so much.
>But he was alright- I thought there would be someone there attacking him, but he was just laying on the couch watching TV.
Dominick: Yeah, the only thing he’s in danger of is his cholesterol being too high.
>The only strange thing was, there was also something laying on top of him. And it was clawing at him.
>”A cat??” I said, surprised.
Tempest: Why is she so surprised by a cat? She has seen one before, right?
>Charlie pushed another ball of yarn off of the couch and the kitten jumped down after it.
Jarred: I want to like this fic because there’s a kitten in it, but so far it’s not off to a really good start…
>”Yeah, I found her outside. I hope you don’t mind- she was starving, and didn’t have any tags. I had to rescue her.”
Gwen: Yes, check with your teenage daughter to see if it’s alright that you brought an animal into your own house.
Kalinda: Yeah, come on, Mustache Dad!
>I almost laughed. I had never seen Charlie talk about an animal that way; it sounded
like he was attached to it already.
>”No, I don’t mind. But you might want to clean up all of this string,” I pointed out.
Tempest: Yeah, Bella might trip on it.
>Then I told him I was going to bed, and walked up the stairs slowly. It was pretty late, and I was tired. I had just got home from the Cullen’s house, where I had spent the afternoon.
Kalinda: Wait, go back to Mustache Dad! Come on, only he can save this fic!
>I knew Edward would be waiting for me in my room, but I couldn’t force myself to move any faster. If I fell, Edward would probably come to catch me, and then Charlie
could find out he was here!
Gwen: Yes, Edward was in her room because breaking and entering is such a fun thing to do these days.
Melanie: Don’t forget that you can use it to express your love.
>The thought terrified me. So, sighing, I moved slowly, heading to the bathroom to take a shower.
Deangelo: Little did she know that Edward was watching her do that too.
>When I got back to my room, in pajamas, wet hair and all, Edward was sitting in my
rocking chair. I happily jumped into his lap.
Tempest: Then she told him what she wanted for Christmas.
>He laughed quietly. Even though I was tired, we stayed like that for a while, both of us still and quiet.
Kalinda: Which was also due to the fact that they had nothing to talk about. Due to their vast age difference, they had nothing in common.
>That is, until the cat pushed open the door to my room, flooding the room with light from the hallway, and causing me to jump up, swearing.
Dominick: The cat quickly realized that Edward was an unholy demon and swiped at him.
>Edward was trying not to laugh. I hoped he didn’t laugh, because even though Charlie was still downstairs, he would probably come up here soon to look for the cat.
Jarred: You know, pets quite often get names…
Melanie: Have we learned nothing from Red Dwarf? The cat does not need a name.
>I shut the door so fast that the cat had to jump out of the way quickly. Edward couldn’t help but laugh at that, but at least the door was shut.
Tempest: Yeah, that was hilarious. What else is the cat going to do? Lick itself? Hide under Bella’s bed? I can hardly stand the suspense.
>Although, now the cat was trapped in here with us, and when Charlie came to look for it I’d be in big trouble.
Gwen: Maybe she would be better off if she didn’t sneak boys into her room. Just a thought.
Melanie: How else are they going to express their love if not in a clandestine fashion that requires lying to her parents?
>Before I could say anything, Edward had vanished, so I could open the door and coax the cat out. But it just walked over the my closet and hissed.
Dominick: Then Edward killed the cat with his ice breath.
Kalinda: … Edward doesn’t have ice breath.
Dominick: Oh, are we still on that ridiculous Twilight fanfiction? I zoned out ages ago.
>Edward poked his head out from his hiding place. And he hissed back.
>I have never seen a cat run out a door and down a flight of stairs so fast.
Tempest: So he can scare animals. That’s husband material, right there.
>I shut my door, fighting back giggles. Really tired now, I lay on my bed. Edward came to lay next to me. I smiled; I loved it when he was here, this close to me.
Melanie: Yeah, close. But not actually touching. Because Jesus would frown on that.
>”So…,” I said after a moment.
>”Yes?” Edward asked. I’m sure I blushed right then, because he reached over to touch my cheek. Which made me blush even more.
Jarred: Then she blushed so much that her face caught on fire.
>”You can hiss?” I asked.
>He laughed. “Yes. And growl, as you’ve seen before,” he answered. Now I was curious.
Tempest: (Bella.) How long is your penis?
Gwen: That’s a bit of a non sequitur, Tempest…
Tempest: Just trying to spice the story up a little.
>”Can you…purr?” I asked shyly. He laughed, and shook his head.
Dominick: Did he shake his head yes or no? Which one was it, story!? I have to know!
Melanie: I thought you had zoned out.
Dominick: I zoned back in. I already finished imagining boobs in a variety of different settings.
>”Go to sleep, Bella,” he whispered. I sighed, turning over. Sooner than I would have thought possible with him there, watching me, I fell asleep.
Tempest: And nothing about her sleeping and him staring at her creepily while she’s unconscious seems weird to her? Even just a little?
Jarred: Love is creepy stares, Tempest.
Tempest: Fuck love.
M: (From the control room.) Author’s note, then you’re done!
>Like I said, short little bit of fluff. Well, hope you enjoyed it!
MiSTers: We didn’t!
Deangelo: And I want to add that everyone involved should be very ashamed of themselves.
Kalinda: Even us?
Deangelo: Especially us.
M: (From the control room.) Okay kids, you’re finished. Let’s get back to the conference room. Dinner is served.
(The MiSTers begin to stand. Jarred stretches out.)
Gwen: So that wasn’t too bad.
Melanie: I think I’m missing a piece of my soul, Gwen.
Tempest: Let’s go do something fun tonight to take our minds off of this crap. I mean, come on, it’s a super special, we should do something super fun.
Jarred: We can go waterskiing.
(The MiSTers enter the conference room to find that the room has been converted into a club. Finger foods are out on the buffet, cocktails line the bar area, dance music is playing and there’s a disco ball hanging above where the conference table used to be. The table has been removed and there’s now a dance floor in its place. M is sitting with Rosie on one of the couches from the gaming nook which now lines the wall, sipping a cocktail.)
Tempest: Wow! This is perfect!
Melanie: No fucking way.
Kalinda: (Taking a sip of one of the cocktails.) OMG, cherry bombs! These are amazing!
M: I told you this was a super special.
Deangelo: Well, yes but you never have done anything special for us before.
Dominick: (Examining the finger food.) Is this bacon? I mean, just straight bacon?
M: Of course. Bacon is a very important good group.
(Dominick starts filling a plate with bacon and chocolate-covered strawberries. Gwen goes over to M.)
Gwen: So is this supposed to be some kind of dance party?
M: Kind of.
Jarred: What do you mean?
M: (Holding up a wireless microphone.) I also have karaoke.
Deangelo: Oh no…
Everyone else: Yay!!!!