The MiSTers figure out what’s up with all of these evil butterflies. Meanwhile, M give them another emo love story that goes from harmless and fluffy to dangerously final in .3 seconds. Are they ready to handle more innocuous emo love? Or will they be too worn out from facing certain death via butterflies to MiST?
Want to know more about MiSTing? Read Star’s Guide to MiSTing and educate yourself.
I don’t own any copyrighted characters, series or songs. Which should be obvious, because I didn’t copyright them. I didn’t write the story being MiSTed. My intellectual property in this MiST is the witty remarks, my MiSTers, and the mad. My characters are used only with my permission.
This MiSTing is not a personal attack on the author. It’s an attack on their terrible writing. This is not meant to be even slightly constructive, instead it is meant solely for the amusement of others.
It’s important to learn to laugh at ourselves. Don’t take life too seriously.
Melanie Bryce – The real way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cavity.
Dominick Dante – I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.
Gwenavere Desiderio – Walk softly and carry an iPhone.
Jarred Zion – Strangers are just friends that you haven’t met!
Deangelo Desiderio – Grumpy is the only one of the seven dwarfs I understand.
Tempest Lucki – Hey, you’re cute. What are you doing after the MiST?
Kalinda Beckham – How did I get dragged into this?
(M and the MiSTers are huddled in the Dr Pepper storage room. The lights are off and they are sitting with flashlights, trying not to make any noise. When they speak, it’s in quiet whispers.)
Kalinda: So what are we going to do now?
Dominick: Kiss our asses goodbye?
Jarred: There has to be some kind of explanation for this. Clearly, these aren’t normal evil butterflies. They’re special, dangerous evil butterflies.
M: I have no idea where they came from. I checked my computer before we began the last MiST and there were no viruses or anything.
Gwen: Have you ever written a story about evil butterflies?
M: Not that I remember.
Melanie: Then where could they have come from? And how did they get in here?
Tempest: And why are the multiplying like… me?!
(There is a noise on the other side of the satellite. The MiSTers all gasp and turn out off their flashlights. After a few seconds, there is continued silence and they switch their flashlights back on.)
Melanie: You know what I do when I’m really stuck on a problem?
Melanie: I Google it. Even if I doubt that that will help, I do it anyway. So let’s Google these butterflies and see if anything comes up.
Deangelo: That might not be an insane idea.
M: (Pulling out her phone.) Okay, let’s give it a try.
(M accesses her web browser and types in “evil purple butterflies that multiply very quickly”. She hits the enter key and the MiSTers huddle around to see what results come up.)
M: Okay, first result; butterflies in the wild. No, that looks like an educational site. Second, how butterflies got their name. No. Third, on a news site. It has all of the keywords though.
Kalinda: Click on it. It might be the information we’re looking for.
M: (Accessing the webpage.) Okay, so…. Wait…
Gwen: What’s wrong?
M: (Scrolling down the page.) This is an interview with the Society of Mad Science’s Mad Scientist of the Month. It’s a detailed description of the winning plan for taking over the world by creating multiplying butterflies that, when at full maturity, can kill people simply by touching them. When immature, the butterflies can render someone unconscious for several minutes by releasing a neurotoxin that acts just like ether.
Dominick: What? Why would someone be trying to take over the satellite?
Tempest: I know we’re amazing and I have the nicest ass in the world, but come on! What would someone gain by killing all of us?
M: I don’t think that this invasion was on purpose…
Jarred: What do you mean?
Deangelo: Someone accidentally tried to kill us?
(M looks up from her phone.)
M: This interview is with Andromeda Anya. She’s the Mad Scientist of the Month. Dominick, when was the last time that Jian was over?
Dominick: The other day. We had a Cards Against Humanity game that got a little out of control… By the way, Jarred, we might have “borrowed” your Happy Fluffy Bunni of the Year Award.
M: That’s got to be it then. Jian must have inadvertently brought over something that created the butterflies. Then they grew and grew and now the entire satellite is covered in them.
Gwen: Well, now we know what they are. The question remains; how do we stop them?
Melanie: I have an idea.
Melanie: You saw how quickly Rosie killed one. We just need a lot more Leoparditas. Then we tell them to go hunt.
Jarred: But we have to get the butterfly bodies out of the satellite before they regenerate and form new butterflies.
Dominick: What we need here is a battle plan.
Melanie: I know just what to do. We round up a ton of Leoparditas. We let them into one room at a time to dispatch the butterflies. After the butterflies are down, we run in and clean up. We’ll have to find some place to put all of the butterflies, but we can come up with that later. We just have to close all of the doors on the satellite so that we can take them out room by room.
M: I can do that. But we do have to make a dash from here to my office so I can get to my computer to get the Leopardita army. We have Rosie with us, I think she’ll have to get the butterflies out of hallway so we can get to my office.
M: (To Rosie.) Do you want to be a big, brave Leopardita and help all of us out?
Rosie: Meow! Mew!
M: We need you to run down the hall and hunt all of the butterflies. You have to be fast and graceful and agile and deadly. Can you do that?
Rosie: Mew, méw!
M: Alright, let me close the doors on the satellite and then we can get going.
(M takes out her phone and accesses her home satellite app. She hits the button to close all of the doors on the satellite and there are loud clanks as the doors all close.)
Jarred: That is really cool, M! How did you find out about that app?
M: Timb set it up for me. Okay, let’s head out quietly.
(The MiSTers slowly get up and walk towards the door. M gently sets Rosie down and puts her hand on the door handle.)
M: You ready?
Rosie: Meow! Fffft!
M: Okay, here we go.
(M cracks the door and Rosie rushes into the hallway, meowing a loud battle cry. M shuts the door quickly, catching a butterfly in the door jam.)
Kalinda: Now we wait.
(Behind the closed door the MiSTers can hear Rosie meowing, striking, pouncing and devastating the butterfly population. After a few minutes, there is silence. Then they hear little paws padding up to the door and Rosie meows. M cracks the door and looks down to see Rosie sitting in front of the door, smiling a little kitten smile. M opens the door all of the way and sees that all of the butterflies have been destroyed.)
M: Quick! Get some garbage bags! We need to get these things out of here before they respawn!
(The MiSTers scramble to find garbage bags and finally locate some. They distribute the bags and race into the hallway to start scooping up the dead butterflies.)
Tempest: There’s more over here, hurry!
M: I’m coming, Tempest!
Deangelo: This bag is full, hang me another one!
(After the MiSTers have gathered up all of the butterflies, they quickly make their way to M’s office, which is, thankfully, butterfly-free. M sits down at her desk and starts typing furiously.)
M: Okay, opening a portal to bring in some Leoparditas.
(A blue portal opens in the front of the room and soon Leoparditas of all sizes and colors are bounding into the office. Pretty soon Kalinda has to open the office door to allow more Leoparditas to enter.)
Melanie: Just how many Leoparditas are there?
M: A ton. They breed in litters, you know.
Gwen: I think this should cover it. Let’s tell them what they need to do.
(M shuts down the portal to address the army of Leoparditas. Rosie hops onto M’s desk and mews loudly to get everyone’s attention.)
M: Leoparditas, thanks for coming to the Spotted Satellite! We all welcome you to our home! I have called you here for a reason though. The satellite has accidentally become overrun by killer butterflies.
(The Leoparditas mew in confusion.)
M: Yes, I know we shouldn’t have trusted the butterflies. And yes, they are all evil. But that’s beside the point. Now, we have the satellite sectioned off into rooms. I need teams to go with each MiSTer so that we can clear out the satellite and get everything back to normal around here. Everyone, form groups and find a MiSTer to lead you. And remember, they can never take our freedom!!!
(The MiSTers are sitting at the conference table. M comes in, dusting her hands off.)
M: Well, the Leoparditas are back in their own land, the butterfly bodies are gone and everything on the satellite is back to normal.
Melanie: So where did you send the butterfly bodies?
M: (Smiling deviously.) Escape the Fate concert. I suspect there will be a serious decline in the number of emo love stories being published over the next few months.
Kalinda: That’s awesome!
Dominick: This is great!
M: Good thing I already have so many emo love stories already in my MiSTing fodder folder.
Deangelo: Goddamn it…
Melanie: I’m suddenly not excited anymore…
(In another room, the MiSTers can hear the song “Beat of my Drum” by Nicola Roberts playing. The MiSTers all groan.)
M: Speaking of MiSTing! Let me go see what the Bad Fic Finder just located.
(M leaves the room as the MiSTers express their disappointment in a variety of ways.)
Tempest: We just helped save the day, we need some time off!
Jarred: I think Rosie could use some more time off than we could. (He gestures to Rosie, who is asleep in her cat bed, snoozing away.)
Gwen: We deserve some kind of break. After all of this nonsense we have to MiST? This is just cruel and unusual.
(M returns with some print outs in her hands.)
M: Okay kids, let’s get going. We’ve got a MiST.
Dominick: What are we MiSTing today?
M: Emo love story about a pair of teenage lovers who will remain together forever, no matter what.
Deangelo: Oh joy, we haven’t already MiSTed this story a million times before…
M: Once more for good measure.
(M turns and walks out of the conference room. The MiSTers follow suit. Rosie begins to lightly snore.)
(The MiSTers take their seats, finding some fresh summer fruit on their seats with sparkling water bottles in their drink holders.)
M: (From the control room.) Is everyone ready?
MiSTers: Jockers, start your horses!
>What hurts the most. *Storyy* (FINISHED)
Kalinda: (Singing.) Is being so close! And having so much to say! And watching you walk away!
Melanie: (Singing.) And never knowing! What could have been!
Tempest: I actually like that song. The British girl versions, of course.
Dominick: (Narrator.) I’ve deprived an emo of their skinny jeans for ten days now. She is growing weaker and keep requesting to be taken to a Hot Topic. She is also complaining of blindness and memory loss. I was going to remove her snake bite piercings today, but I believe that that would possibly kill her.
>”Ella wake up. It’s time for school.” I heard my mom yelling at me from downstairs.
Kalinda: (Ella.) Mom, I can’t go to school today! I have too many feelings!
>I yelled back down to her.
Deangelo: She then ushered the sleeping youth out of her bedroom, assuring him that their love was so strong the hour that they spent apart before school would be sheer agony for her.
>I got up and put on my blue skirt and my purple no-sleeve shirt.
Tempest: A no-sleeve shirt. Right.
Gwen: Is that anything like a sleeveless shirt?
Tempest: Can’t be. It’s not sleeveless, it has no sleeves. Huge difference.
>1Then I put on knee high purple and black socks. Then I put on my Converses.
Then I brushed my teeth and brushed my hair.
Jarred: Then I learned a new way to structure sentences.
>I grabbed my bag and went down stairs.
>”Good Morning Dad, Good Morning Mom.” I said then grabbed a piece of toast.
Melanie: Yeah and then her dad punched her in the face.
>”I love you, bye.” I said then gave them each a kiss and a hug and walked out the door.
Melanie: But… but… where’s the hideous domestic violence? Someone should have raped that girl by now!
Deangelo: This is so strange. I mean, it’s almost as if this young woman isn’t the victim of horrible abuse that everyone knows about and no one cares to help her with.
>I got in my new mustang and left.
>I got to school and saw Christopher and waved at him.
Kalinda: Here we go, then Christopher walked up to her and punched her in the face in front of all the other students and no one even paused.
>I got out of the car, locked the doors, and ran up to him and gave him a hug.
>”Hey babe.” He said.
Tempest: What?! Come on, call her a “whore” and smack her around!
Jarred: Could it be that we are so jaded by emo love stories that we simply can’t accept the life of a normal teenager?
Deangelo: How can you blame us? Countless emo love stories have set up expectations of horrific abuse and violence and now there’s a teenager who is so happy and no one wants to punch her. How can we cope with this?!
>”Hi. Let’s go to class. I don’t want to be late.”
>I said then we started walking to class.
Gwen: They actually are about getting to class on time?! I call shenanigans on this entire story!
M: (From the control room.) Calm down, everyone. This story gets emo in a few, it just takes a while to pick up. By the way, prepare yourselves for some more “And then I,” “And then I,” “And then I” writing.
>We got to class and sat in our usual spots.
>We weren’t popular or anything.
>We we’re just nice to everybody and most people liked us.
Tempest: The oral sex that Ella liberally gave to everyone in school was only part of the equation.
>So we talked until Mr. Vass came in.
Jarred: (Mr. Vass.) Today children, we are going to study the effect of gamma rays on Man on the Moon Marigolds.
Melanie: (Student.) Mr. Vass, I need to go home. I just found out that the boy I have a crush on doesn’t like me back and I don’t think I should be expected to go to school when I have to deal with this kind of crushing emotional heartache.
>”Hello children on the wild side. How was your weekend? No wait. That’s way too boring for ya’ll. How about you write a full page about somebody that you love.
Deangelo: (Mr. Vass.) I will not accept essays about the following people; Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Honey Boo Boo, Chris Brown, Kim Kardashian, Alec Baldwin, or Lady Gaga.
>You will read it out loud to everybody at an assebley on Friday. So you better have it done. So get to work, young Children.”
Gwen: I question what SOL requirement this is fulfilling…
>He said then sat down at his desk.
>He put on some rap music.
>He was trying to “get down with the kids these days.” Atleast thats how he put it.
Tempest: But it was too late when Mr. Vass realized that he had put in the uncensored version of Eminem’s CD. He was fired immediately after class ended.
>”Christopher, who are you writing about?” I asked.
>He looked at me then down to his paper.
Dominick: (Christopher.) I was going to write about Kelsey. The girl that has math with me. You don’t mind, right?
>”Hmm, I don’t know yet. We’ll just have to wait til’ Friday, now won’t we?” He said then started to laugh.
Melanie: Which means that he’ll do the essay on the bus Friday morning.
>”Who are you writing about?” Christopher asked me.
>”We’ll just have to wait til’ Friday.” I said sarcastically.
Jarred: She’s going to write about her puppy, just to piss him off.
>After that class was over we went to all our other classes.
Gwen: Without skipping school to talk about your feelings? This is quite an amazing feat!
>It was the end of the day.
Dominick: That was quick.
Kalinda: It’s almost like she blacked out and woke up when the last bell rung.
Dominick: Rohypnol will do that to you.
>”Ella, I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe even come over tomorrow? I’ll pick you up for school. Love you. Bye.” He said then picked me up and spun me around then kissed me.
Jarred: He talks the way old people text message.
>”I love you too. Be carefull on your way home.” I said then walked to my car.
>I got in my car and started it and drove til’ I got to my house.
Dominick: When she arrived she found that her parents had turned into alcoholics during the school day and she mother was hosting an orgy to raise cash for their drinking problems.
>”Mom, Dad, I’m home.” I yelled.
>”Oh, Hi sweetie. How was school?” my mom said.
Tempest: As she removed the penis from her mouth.
>”It was good. I have to write a paper on a person that I love.” I told her.
>”Who are you going to write about?”
Gwen: I hope her mother doesn’t expect Ella to write about her. Everyone knows that teenagers don’t love their parents nearly as much as emo kids that they met a few hours previously.
>She asked me.
>”Well as Christopher put it, you’ll have to wait til’ Friday.” I said then went upstairs to my room.
Melanie: Is she still butthurt about that? Come on, girl, it’s not the end of the world if your boyfriend writes about his undying love for Kristen Stewart and her limited facial expressions.
>I sat down on my bed and did some home work and listened to some music. Until I heard my phone go off. It’s a text message from Christopher.
Deangelo: It addressed her as “Jessica” and told her that he was going to finally dump his boring girlfriend tomorrow and declare his love for her to the entire school at the assembly on Friday.
>Hey babe, what you doing?
Kalinda: (Ella.) Sacrificing chickens to appease our Dark Lord.
>I miss you tons.
>I wish I could see your face right now.
Dominick: Yeah, after not seeing her for a whole 2 hours he had completely forgotten what she looked like.
Jarred: Maybe he has face blindness.
>I love you.
Tempest: Page break! Page break!
M: (From the control room.) Actually, Temp, this separates his text message from hers. It’s not really a page break.
Tempest: Awwww… I miss spotting page breaks. I haven’t seen one in ages.
>I bet you I miss you more. lol.
>I love you so much.
Deangelo: Does this gooey teenage drivel actually go anywhere or is this entire story just more lovey dovey nonsense?
M: (From the control room.) Yes.
Deangelo: Damn it…
>I can’t wait to see you in the moring.
>Love you, goodnight.
Jarred: They sure do have scintillating conversations. You can see really how intellectually matched this pair is.
>I texted him then got in the shower then I went to bed.
>Tomorrow is going to be a great day.
Tempest: She seems strangely optimistic for an emo girl…
Melanie: Just wait, I think I know where this is going.
Dominick: Ella awoke to the sound of small arms fire. She leapt out of bed to find that being emo had been made illegal in her home state overnight and the house was surrounded by a SWAT team attempting to extract her.
>I woke up and got dressed got my stuff and waited for Christopher pick me up.
>He just pulled up.
Gwen: He greeted her in a very affectionate way, but then he called her by the wrong name, making her question his love. And his sobriety.
>”Bye dad, I love you.” I yelled.
>”Love you too hunny.” He yelled back.
>My mom had already left for work.
Kalinda: She was a member of the school board that was working to improve English classes so emo love story writers wouldn’t have to write crap like this.
>I ran outside and almost tackled Christopher.
>”Well isn’t it nice to see you.” he said then kissed me.
>”It’s better to see you.” I said then got in the car.
Melanie: Is this some kind of competition? Who missed who more? Who loves who more? Who wants to strangle the other more?
>”How about we ditch school and go hang out today?” Christopher said.
>”Sounds good.” I said then started to laugh.
Deangelo: Well, why not? It’s not like school tries to do anything important for barely literate teenagers.
>Christopher drove us to the park and we got out of the car.
>”I’ll beat you to the swings.” I yelled then took off.
Tempest: Yeah, I can see why this is much more important than their education.
>”Hey.” He said then caught up to me.
>He grabbed my arm and pulled me into him and started to kiss me. It wasn’t like he use to.
Kalinda: (Ella.) This was lacking in the usual bucket of slobber that I was used to.
Others: (o_O) Ewwww….
>It was with so much passion.
>”Ella, I love you.” He said.
>”I love you too.” I said then hugged him tight.
Dominick: Really? You love each other? Are you sure? Maybe you should say it again about five million more times.
>We stayed at the park for two hours just hugging and kissing.
>Then we went to his house.
Gwen: His parents were very surprised to see him home so early and asked him why he had a girl in tow.
>”What move do you want to watch?” Christopher asked me.
>”How about Halloween remake by Rob Zombie?”
Dominick: Sure, if you want something to laugh at.
>”Fuck yeah!” He said then got a blanket and we layed down on the couch together and watched it.
Dominick: (Facepalming.) He is so overrated.
>I ended up falling asleep.
>Christopher woke me up at three.
Melanie: He had to leave to go pick up his baby mama and twin sons.
>”Let’s go to your hose so your parents won’t get worried why your not home already.” >He said.
Deangelo: Her hose? Is she going to water a garden?
>”Hmm, okay.” I said then got up and we left to my house.
>When we pulled up we got out of the car and went inside.
Jarred: Ella’s parents had already called the police and reported her as missing.
>”Hi momma. Where’s daddy?” I asked.
>”He’ll be home later.
Kalinda: (Ella’s mom.) By the way, I got a call from the school that you weren’t in class today. Anything you want to tell me?
>Christopher with you?”
Tempest: (Ella.) Of course, mom! Duh! We’d have to be surgically removed in order for us to be separated.
>”Yes ma’am.” I said then took Christophers hand and went into the backyard.
>We got on the trampoline and bounced on it.
Melanie: I want a trampoline…
Jarred: Me too. M, can you get us a trampoline?
M: (From the control room.) Let me see what I can do. You guys have no idea how difficult it is to get people to deliver things to a satellite.
>”Ahhh!” I yelled as Chrisopher landed on me.
Gwen: He knocked her off of the trampoline and she hit her head on a rock, killing her instantly.
>I started to laugh really hard.
>He was tickleing me.
>Then he just fell to the side of me and held me tight in his arms.
Dominick: Then his loving embrace turned into a sleeper hold.
>”Do you ever think of the future?” He asked me.
Tempest: (Ella.) Sure! Tomorrow I’m going to wear my Bring Me the Horizon t-shirt with my blue skinnies. Then the day after that I’m going to wear my Fallout Boy t-shirt with my new converse. I plan ahead so far.
>”Yeah, all of the time.” I said.
>”What do you see in it?” He asked.
Gwen: (Christopher.) Going to college, dating a lot of new girls and finally settling down with the emo woman of my dreams. You can come to the wedding though.
>”What do you see in it?” I asked.
>He looked away and looked at me straight in my eyes.
Deangelo: At the same time?
>”I see you.” He said then kissed me.
Kalinda: (Christopher.) I see you in my rearview mirror as I drive off into the sunset.
Dominick: (Christopher.) I see you in the ICU.
>”What do you see?” he asked.
>I got up and started jumping again.
>Then I jumped off of the trampoline and inside.
Tempest: Ah, this is her passive-aggressive way of telling him that she’s going to break up with him soon.
>He chased me and when we got inside we heard the door slam.
>”Oh no.” I said.
Jarred: She realized that she had missed the latest episode of 16 and Pregnant.
>”What the fuck is he doing here? I told you I didn’t want him in my house. Get him the fuck out of my house.” My dad yelled at me.
Kalinda: Whoa, where is this coming from? I thought that everyone was cool and loving in this family.
Deangelo: Her mother didn’t seem to have a problem with Christopher. I wonder why her father is throwing him out.
>”Daddy, I love him. Don’t.” I said crying.
Tempest: Maybe her dad is just trying to stave off the inevitable teenage pregnancy.
>”Baby it’s okay. I’ll leave. I love you. Bye.” He said then kissed me and walked out the door.
Dominick: I see a bag of flaming dog poop in her dad’s future.
> I heard him start his car and leave.
>”I don’t want him in this house again, you understand young lady?” My dad said.
Melanie: But why? I mean, besides the fact that he’s an annoying emo kid and he’ll get your daughter knocked up before she graduates high school?
>”Yes sir.” I said.
>”Okay. Go upstairs and get cleaned up for dinner.” he said.
>So I went upstairs and got cleaned up. Then I went back downstairs and sat at the table.
Deangelo: What kind of teenage rebellion is this?!
Kalinda: Yeah, she should scream at her dad that he doesn’t understand her and he’s ruining her life.
>It was a quiet dinner.
>Nobody said a word.
Gwen: Uh, that would be a silent dinner, not a quiet one.
>After I was done eating I went upstairs and texted Christopher.
Tempest: She asked him to sneak into her bedroom that night so they could seal their love with an emo baby.
> I love you.
>I’m sorry about my dad.
>I love you forever and always.
Jarred: So no one is going to explain why Ella’s dad doesn’t like Christopher? We’re just supposed to accept that and move on?
Jarred: Yep, I guess no one is going to explain it.
>That’s strange he always texts back.
>No matter what.
Dominick: What if he really had to poop?
Melanie: No excuse! He should take the phone into the bathroom and text while pooping!
>Maybe his phone went dead.
>I got in the shower and went to bed.
Gwen: (o_O) She sleeps in the shower? That can’t be comfortable.
>Bad News Wednesday.
Kalinda: The cafeteria is out of chicken tenders!
Others: Not the chicken tenders!
>I heard crying down stairs.
>”What the fuck?” I said then ran downstairs.
Tempest: Ella’s mom was watching her wedding video, crying and sobbing the words “why did I do it?” over and over again.
>I saw a police man and my mom crying.
Deangelo: The police were telling her mom that they had picked up her dad for soliciting drugs from a local middle school student.
>”Mom, what happened?” I said with tears in my eyes.
Kalinda: People usually don’t get tears in their eyes before they hear the bad news.
Gwen: No, they usually don’t.
>My dad turned around and looked at me.
>”Christopher died in a car crash last night after he left.” he said.
Dominick: Well, she’s got something to be mopey about for the rest of her life now.
Tempest: Yeah, she’ll be 80 years old and someone in the nursing home will ask her to turn the Black Veil Brides down and she’ll shout back, “My boyfriend died in a car accident!”
>I felt the tears crashing down from my eye.
Dominick: Yeah, the tears crashed down her face and smashed into her night shirt.
>” That’s not true. Your lying. THAT’S NOT TRUE! YOUR LYING. HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME!
Gwen: Why are emo children so hung up on the idea that death is a form of willful abandonment?
Deangelo: Because they’re too self-centered to believe that anything could happen without their permission.
>IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU MADE HIM LEAVE! YOU MADE HIM LEAVE! YOU HATED HIM DIDN’T YOU? DIDN’T YOU?” I ran up to him crying my eyes out and started hitting him in the chest.
Melanie: Yeah, I’m sure her dad is all tore up, thinking about all of those reasons that he didn’t like Christopher. Which, you know, no one shared with us.
>He grabbed me and held me.
>My mom was on the couch crying.
>I ran to the bathroom and threw up everywhere.
Tempest: Ew, vomit into the toilet. No one wants to clean up puke.
>This couldn’t be happening.
>I love him.
>He wouldn’t leave me.
Deangelo: Yes, the bastard. How dare he die unexpectedly!
>”NEVER!” I yelled then hit the mirror and it shattered into tiny pieces.
>My hand was bleeding but I didn’t care.
Dominick: Because this saved her time from having to cut herself.
>I threw up again.
>I need him.
Jarred: He still hadn’t told her the math problems that they were supposed to be doing.
>My mom came in the bathroom and cleaned up everything.
Tempest: I knew her mom would clean up.
>She walked me back to my room and layed me into bed.
>”I’m so sorry baby. Just relax and go to sleep.”
>She said then kissed my forhead and left my room.
Gwen: She could get her to a therapist. Just a suggestion.
Dominick: Nah, sleep should solve all of her problems.
Jarred: Maybe she’ll have a dream sequence.
>I layed there crying for hours.
>Until I finally fell asleep.
Deangelo: Good thing she didn’t need to tell any of her friends or talk to his family about their loss.
>But before I fell asleep I whispered
>”I love you, Christopher.”
Melanie: Uh, he’s dead, sweetie. He can’t hear you.
>I woke up and got ready.
Kalinda: Got ready for what? Where is she going?
>I looked like shit.
>I didn’t care.
Melanie: Because she actually had something more important in her life than being superficial.
>I guess I was still crying when I was asleep.
Jarred: Should I sing the crying song for everyone?
Jarred: But it might make us feel better.
Deangelo: The only thing that will make me feel better would be a glass of bourbon and a night in with my wife.
>My eyes we’re red and my face was pale.
>I grabbed my bag and went downstairs.
Dominick: Downstairs was another police officer telling her that her future boyfriend had died!
>I walked out of the front door.
>I walked down my street.
>I walked all the way to school.
Tempest: (Ella.) I walked through the door. I walked down the hall. I walked into the classroom. I walked to my desk.
Gwen: Then she walked straight to hell…
>I knew I was late.
>I don’t care.
Kalinda: Her parents really made her go to school the day after her boyfriend died? That’s a little hardcore.
>I walked through the front door and walked down the hallway til’ I got to Mr. Vass’s class.
>I walked through the door and everybody looked at me.
Dominick: We get it! She walked a lot! Use another phrase!
>”Hello Ella.” Mr. Vass said.
>I didn’t reply.
>I just went and sat down in my desk.
Deangelo: But did she walk to her desk?
>Everybody was still looking at me.
Melanie: They had never really noticed the emo in her natural habitat. But now that they knew about her, they were fascinated by Ella’s pouting looks and dark eyeliner.
>I looked over at Christophers desk.
>It still had the letters he carved into it.
Kalinda: Vandalism: it’s a great way to prove your love.
>I couldn’t help it now.
>Tears escaped down my cheeks.
>I just wiped them off and tried to pay attention to Mr. Vass.
Tempest: Yeah, as whiny as emo kids are, she probably needed more than 24 hours to recover from her boyfriend’s death.
>”Tomorrow is the assembley. Everyone of you better have your papers done and ready to be read infront of the whe school. Don’t forget your parents can come too.” He said.
Gwen: Haven’t parents suffered enough? They already have to be around their emo teens when they’re at home. Do they really want to come to their school to hear their children read essays about how much they love their best friends and boyfriends more than anyone else in the world?
>then the bell rang.
>I grabbed my bag and started to walk out the door.
Kalinda: Then she walked down the hall, then she walked to her next class, then she walked through the door, then she walked to her desk.
>”Ella, can you stay and chat for a litle bit.” Mr. Vass asked me.
>I just went to his desk.
Melanie: (Mr. Vass.) I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think your boyfriend dying should result in any lack of quality in your work. He’s been dead for over a day now. It’s time to move on.
>”I’m extremely sorry about what happened. But I want you to know that he turned in his paper on who he loved and I think you should have it. Okay?” He said.
Deangelo: The paper, an essay about his undying love for the creator of skinny jeans, is what finally pushed her over the edge.
>I just shook my head and took the paper and left the room.
>I went to my next class and sat down in my seat.
>I opened up the paper and read it.
Kalinda: It turned out that Mr. Vass had given her the wrong paper and what she was reading was actually a love note from Mr. Vass to the new lunch lady.
>Who do I love? I love Ella Dianne Smith.
Dominick: (Christopher.) I love her because she makes me penis feel nice.
>She is funny, smart, and nice.
>She is everything I ever wanted.
Tempest: Not difficult for someone to be everything you’ve ever wanted when you’re too young to know what you want.
>I need her in my life as I hope she needs me in hers.
>We we’re meant for eachother, out here togeter.
>I know we are.
Deangelo: Until he finds a girl that wears even tighter skinny jeans.
>All I want her to know is that I love her.
>She’s mine and nobody else’s.
Gwen: Because she’s a possession and she can be owned.
>She’s my bestfriend.
>She’s my Spongebob.
Jarred: She’s his SpongeBob? Is that some kind of term of endearment?
Kalinda: Still better than pudding bear.
>She’s my peanut.
>She’s my Star.
>She’s my world.
>She’s my love.
Melanie: I can see the last three, but his peanut? Is that supposed to be romantic or something?
Dominick: Yeah, why not? Peanuts are tasty.
Melanie: I don’t understand kids these days…
>And that’s who I love.
>More than anything in the world.
Gwen: That essay wasn’t exactly descriptive. He mentions a few traits that everyone believes that they possess and then just goes on declaring his love without stating what exactly he loves about her.
Kalinda: That wasn’t a page long!
>Tears we’re falling down my face.
>I got up and ran out of the building.
Tempest: The cop who was supposed to be patrolling the campus was sleeping soundly in his squad car and didn’t notice the teenage girl leaving school without permission.
>I ran most of the way to my house but I couldn’t make it.
>I just fell to the ground crying.
Deangelo: She tried to get back up, but she was just too emo to move.
>I layed there.
>Until I heard my dad in his truck.
Dominick: Unfortunately, her dad didn’t see her lying in the middle of the road and his first indication that something was wrong was the loud bump his truck made as he ran her over.
Jarred: That was really dark, Dominick.
Dominick: Yeah, shit happens.
>”Ella, Ella.!” he yelled.
>Then he came and picked me up and put me in his truck and drove home.
Gwen: On the way home he finally told Ella all of the reasons why he disliked Christopher.
>When we got there I ran inside and into the bathroom.
>I started throwing up again.
Kalinda: So overwhelming grief equals vomiting?
Melanie: Yeah, don’t you ever just feel so emotional that the only thing you can think of doing is puking?
Melanie: Then you haven’t lived.
>What’s going to happen to me?
Tempest: You’ll move on with your life, eventually find someone else and always think about Christopher fondly.
Jarred: But this is an emo love story.
Tempest: Oh right. Well, in that case, she’ll whine and moan about her feelings until the end of the story and no one in her support system will suggest therapy.
>After I was done I soaked in the bath tub for a little while.
>Then I got dressed in my pajamas and went to bed.
Deangelo: But it’s two in the afternoon.
>I knew exactly what I was going to say tomorrow.
Dominick: And the only way she could say it was through the art of emo poetry.
Jarred: Ugh, please no more emo poetry. We all have our limits.
MiSTers: It’s Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend!
M: (From the control room.) Oh sure, you guys complain about my annoying music, yet you sing Rebecca Black songs.
Jarred: It’s the only song we know with gratuitous use of the word “Friday”.
>I woke up and got dressed.
>I grabbed my bag.
>I walked down stairs.
>I sat down at the table.
Gwen: I’m just going to guess that the author was absent the day that they went over how to format paragraphs in school.
Kalinda: You missed the point, Gwen. All of these sentences are so important that they need to be read as if they’re all their own paragraphs. It has much more emotional impact.
Deangelo: Ella walking down the stairs is supposed to have emotional impact?
Kalinda: Well, yeah. Think of how difficult it must be for her to walk down the stairs after such an emotional event.
>”Hunny are you okay? Do you want something to eat?” She asked me.
Dominick: (Ella.) Yes, mysterious person who I know is female! Cook me up some bacon and eggs right away.
>”Yes please. Will you and daddy come to school today?” I asked.
>”Umm, sure. We’ll take you and stay there.” She said.
>”Okay.” I said.
Tempest: Because neither of her parents have these little things called jobs. They can just decide to interrupt their entire day, right then and there.
>Then She handed me a plate with eggs and a pancake on it.
>I ate a little bit of the eggs and barely any of the pancake.
Jarred: This bit of information might seem extraneous now, but it will come back later in the story, so everyone pay attention.
>”Are you ready?” she asked me.
>”yeah. Go get dad, please?” I said.
Melanie: Meanwhile, her dad was writing a victory post about Christopher’s death on his You Aren’t Allowed to Date my Daughter blog.
>She went up stairs and got him.
>They both came down and we walked out the door.
Tempest: Anyone want me to narrator how they walked all the way to their vehicle?
Deangelo: I think we can fill in the blanks ourselves, Tempest. But thank you.
>We got into my dads truck and he drove us to the school.
>When we got there we walked through the door and walked to the room we we’re doing the thing at.
Dominick: Doing the thing at. Right. I’m glad emo love stories can retain their consistent quality throughout their work.
>We walked in there and I went up with my class to the stage.
>My mom and dad sat down with everybody else.
>It was time for it to start.
Gwen: They started off by listening to the Principal of the school speak about the low-rate of teenage pregnancies that they were experiencing this year.
>”This is Mr. Vass’s first hour class sayig who they love the most.
>Please give them all of your attention.” The princable said.
Deangelo: Yes, I’m sure their papers will be extremely riveting.
>The other students went up to the mic and talked about hoe they loved God and their parents.
Melanie: (A student.) I love God because he is very good. He is super nice and invented skinny jeans, just for me. I try to worship him all the time. Whenever I forget, he strikes me with an illness. Then I apologize for being so bad and God loves me again. The end.
>Everyone of them said almost the exact same thing.
>That they could only love their parents or God.
Dominick: Clearly, these children have never played Grand Theft Auto.
>That’s not true.
>You can love anybody.
MiSTers: …. Duh.
Jarred: Is this supposed to be some kind of revelation?
Tempest: Yes. The idea that it’s possible to love someone other than god and your parents is something that no emo teenager has ever thought before. It’s simply inconceivable!
Melanie: Aren’t you supposed to say that into a bathroom mirror at night to make someone appear?
Dominick: No, that’s Biggie Smalls.
>I kept saying in my head.
>”This next student is Ella Smith.”
>Mr. Vass said.
Kalinda: Everyone clapped cautiously and warned each other not to make any sudden movements.
Deangelo: She’s an emo, not an alligator.
Kalinda: Still, you never know what is going to set one off.
>I was the last student going up there.
>I could hear people talking about what happened.
Deangelo: Everyone was wondering why her parents were forcing her to go to school so soon after her boyfriend had died.
>I saw Christophers and my parents.
Dominick: Not to sound harsh or anything, but why are his parents at the school? They don’t have a kid that goes there anymore.
Jarred: Maybe Christopher has a sibling that the author hasn’t mentioned.
Tempest: Couldn’t be that they’re in denial and they hang around the school, hoping to see their son again.
Gwen: How could that sound anything other than harsh?
>I started to speak.
> Who do I love? I love Christopher Andy James.
Melanie: Wait, she is just going to…
>He is funny, smart, and nice.
>He is everything I ever wanted.
Melanie: Yeah, I thought so.
Gwen: Plagiarism is not the answer! Even if the original author is dead.
>I need him in my life as I KNOW he needs me in his.
>We ARE meant for eachother, out here TOGETHER.
> I know we are.
Dominick: Nice to see that she’s not letting that whole dead and gone thing get in the way of their future plans together.
>All I want him to know is that I love him.
>He’s mine and nobody else’s.
Kalinda: Except for the worms who are devouring his body right now.
>He’s my bestfriend.
>He’s my Patrick and I’m his Spongebob.
Jarred: (o_O) Is she insinuating that Patrick and SpongeBob are lovers? Because that’s not in the show at all.
>He’s my peanut.
>He’s my star.
>He’s my WORLD.
Tempest: He’s still dead and everything… And we all know that death is the only thing that can stop emo love.
>He’s my ONLY love.
>And that’s who I love.
Dominick: Here comes the big finish.
MiSTers: Say it! Say it!
>More than ANYTHING in the WORLD.
Melanie: You can tell by how she RANDOMLY capitalizes WORDS in her SENTENCES that she’s totally seriously about her UNDYING love.
>I said. I looked at the crowd and I saw his parents crying and mine.
>Everbody got up and started clapping.
Jarred: They were so glad that the silly assembly was over that they could no longer contain their joy.
>I couldn’t help it,
>I started crying.
>I fell to the ground with the mic.
Dominick: Hon, that’s not how you mic drop.
>And I looked up.
>I saw him.
Kalinda: Her English teacher who was very disappointed in her?
>I saw Christopher.
>He smiled at me.
Gwen: After the assembly, she was hospitalized for hallucinations. She remains on the psych ward to this day.
Tempest: Think about being an emo and going to a funeral. You’d have so many choices of what to wear! Your entire closet is black!
Gwen: Well, at least we can look on the bright side of things.
>”Christopher will always be in our hearts.” Christophers brother said.
Deangelo: (Christopher’s brother.) And his iPod will now always be in my pocket.
>”Some one very dear to my brother want to come say something. Ella, you can come up here now.”
>He said to me.
Kalinda: Ella gets up and pukes all over the funeral home’s carpet.
>I got up and walked up to his casket.
>I looked at him and grabbed his hand.
Melanie: Which felt strangely dead and clammy.
>I just stared at him crying.
>Everybody was just looking at us and crying.
Jarred: It’s almost like she has the magical ability to make everyone else cry whenever she cries.
>”The day Christopher died he asked me what I saw in my future. But I didn’t answer.
Gwen: (Ella.) Because I was thinking about breaking up with him. But now that he’s dead, he’s become the perfect, most wonderful boyfriend I could ever imagine and now no one will be able to live up to him.
>I asked him the same question, though. He said that he saw me in his future. Just simply me.
Deangelo: He had left out the part that he saw her in his freezer, dismembered.
>I should have answered him, but I didn’t. So now, that he’s here with me, I want to answer him.” I said crying.
Melanie: But he’s not here with you. His body is. He’s dead. What you’re holding is a lifeless shell.
Jarred: Don’t ruin her moment, Melanie. She’s trying to be all dramatic.
>I bent over his body and kissed his lips.
Tempest: Which is a little weird…
Kalinda: More like a lot weird. Don’t get friendly with his corpse. It’s just creepy!
>”I see you in my future. I see you. Just you, nobody else. Just you.” I said.
Gwen: Alright, this is beyond creepy. Now she’s going to take his corpse home and put it in her living room and dress him up like a Real Doll.
Deangelo: I’ll admit, I’m a little worried.
>Then I pulled out two rings.
>Two wedding rings.
>I put one on his finger and one on my finger.
Dominick: He can’t consent to getting married right now! Besides, what is she marrying, his cadaver? This story when from innocuous to downright bizarre really quickly.
>I kissed him one more time.
>Then I grabbed something else out of my pocket.
Deangelo: It was the men’s thong that she wanted Christopher to wear on their wedding night.
Others: (O_O) What?!?!?!?!
Deangelo: Come on, you were all thinking it. I just said it.
Jarred: I wasn’t thinking it!
>But I didn’t let anybody else see it.
>”I’m going to be with you forever.”
Kalinda: Then she snapped a picture of herself with Christopher’s body and posted it on Facebook, forever cementing their love.
>Then I stabbed the knife, the object nobody else saw me grab, into my heart.
>”Forever” I whispered then died next to him in his casket.
Dominick: Well… At least they’re already at a funeral home, right? They can just take her right back to where they prepare the bodies. No wasting gasoline getting her there.
Gwen: Yes, I’m sure everyone is most concerned about fuel economy right now.
Dominick: Yeah, I thought so.
M: (From the control room.) Well kids, that’s all for this one. Let’s get back to the conference room for dinner.
(The MiSTers arrive back at the conference room to find several fondue pots set up at the conference room table and the buffet is filled with dipping items.)
Tempest: Fondue! I love fondue!
Melanie: Aw man, me too!
(Tempest and Melanie grab plates and lead the MiSTers through the buffet. After they pick out what they like, they settle down and start dipping. M comes in and grabs a plate of strawberries and seats herself by the chocolate fondue.)
M: So, that MiST wasn’t so bad, right?
Dominick: Wrong, that story was terrible.
Gwen: Yes, it was so busy being all harmless and silly, then suddenly the main character commits suicide because of a ridiculous devotion to her dead boyfriend.
Deangelo: I was just glad that her suicide hastened the ending.
Kalinda: Hey, Dominick, leave some marshmallows for the rest of us!
(Dominick hides his plate of marshmallows from Kalinda.)
Dominick: They’re mine and I’m not sharing!
Jarred: Hey, why don’t we turn on the TV and see what’s on the news.
M: Sure thing.
(M turns on the TV and the news broadcast just finished the weather and went back to the main studio.)
Reporter: Tonight there was a bizarre happening at concert. The band, Escape the Fate, was in the middle of a performance when the crowd was attacked by a swarm of large, colorful butterflies.
(The MiSTers all exchange glances.)
Reporter: But these butterflies weren’t a random act of nature. They were specially bred butterflies that are able to render people unconscious by simply coming into contact with them. Most of the fans and the entire band fainted and ambulances were called to the scene. Police are now investigating where the butterflies came from and how they got to the concert.
(M turns off the TV.)
M: Well damn, we should have let them mature a bit more before sending them to the emos.
Gwen: Any concern that the butterflies will be traced back to the satellite?
M: Nope. I used a different return address.
Jarred: Whose address did you use?
M: The Westboro Baptist Church’s.
Dominick: Nice. Let’s see how well that one goes over.
Gwen: In the meantime, we should give a certain mad scientist a call and ask her to keep her experiments under control a bit better.