The MiSTers take on an asinine fanfiction about two groupies who meet their rap idol Eminem. Will they enjoy their first Eminem fanfic or is the poor writing enough to make them hate it as much as an emo love story? Also, is playing Final Fantasy 7 for long periods of time dangerous? Will the MiSTers ever find the Lunar Harp?
Disclaimer: I don’t own Eminem, his record company, or his respective likeness. I didn’t write this fic. All the characters MSTing it are mine. This is REALLY, REALLY nasty, you have been warned. BY READING ANY FURTHER KNOWING THIS, YOU WAIVE YOUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BITCH, WHINE, MOAN, OR COMPLAIN. Furthermore, I can’t be held responsible for any content of this word file because apparently my cats have learned how to type.
Love and kitty treats,
Melanie Bryce (The Shy One) – Hello everyone!
Gwenavere Donovan (The Boss) – Salutations.
Tempest (Slutbunni) – Oooo, you’re cute. Are you busy tonight?
Kalinda (Vamp) – Does my hair look alright? Oh, hi everybody.
Jarred (Sweetie) – Hello all you lovely people!
Dominick (He’s just there) – Hi. Uhhh, I came with Mel.
Deangelo (The Smooth One) – Hello, my you are looking beautiful today.
(All the MiSTers are assembled in the conference room all sitting around a big screen TV playing Final Fantasy VII. Actually, they’re sitting completely still, staring at the screen.)
M: (Walking through the door to the conference room. Kalila is at her heels.) Hello everyone!
Dominick: (Zombie like.) Must… find… Lunar Harrrrrrrrrrrp…
M: Whoa. (Picks up Kalila.) Don’t get any closer, honey. They’ve got Final Fantasy-itis. It can be very dangerous.
M: (Whisper’s into her leopard ear.) I’ll go unplug the TV. Don’t make any sudden movements or they might attack. (She slowly sets Kalila down and walks carefully over to the TV plug.)
Kalinda: (Zombie like.) TV…. Plug…. Nooooo….
M: Ack! (Yanks the plug.)
(The TV screen goes blank and suddenly all the MiSTers are snapped out of their zombie like state.)
Melanie: Huh? What happened?
Deangelo: I don’t have any feeling in my face!
Jarred: I’m scared!
Tempest: Oh my God! I haven’t flirted with anyone in over ten minutes!
Gwen: (Stands up.) That’s it! I’m not going to play a video game ever again! They’re very dangerous and addictive and can lead to zombi-fication.
M: Calm down, Gwen. You’re making up words.
Gwen: So?! You do it all the time! But that’s not the point! I almost became a zombie! And over a video game!
Dominick: (O_O!) Gwen! How dare you take the holy name of Final Fantasy VII in vain! (Huggles the game’s jewel case.) It’s okay, little game, don’t listen to her. I still love you.
Melanie: Do you know where that video game is staying tonight? The living room. And guess what’s in the living room?
Kalinda: My guess is the couch.
Dominick: (Gently sets the game down.) Okay, let’s go MiST then.
Deangelo: Dominick, you are whipped.
Tempest: There’s nothing wrong with whipped, dudes. Nothing at all.
M: Well, let’s discuss whipped dudes later, we’ve got a MiST to do.
Gwen: What’s on the chopping block this week?
M: Eminem fic.
Deangelo: He actually has fans?
Dominick: Hey, don’t diss Eminem.
Kalinda: I say, diss Eminem.
Melanie: Yeah, well I think he kicks ass cause he’s got enough balls to stand up to Aguilera.
M: Now, now, guys. We’ve got to put our personal feelings for Eminem aside and MiST. Alright? Okay then, let’s go.
(All the MiSTers are assembled in their respective seats.)
Tempest: Hey M! Can I have some popcorn?
M: (From the control room.) Sure. (Zaps a large bag of popcorn into Tempest’s lap.) Spill any and you’re mopping the floor.
Tempest: (Nibbling on some popcorn.) Love you too!
M: (From the control room.) Okay, here comes the fic!
>~* part 1 *~
Kalinda: The beginning.
>dis is my first fan fic so dun be 2 critical tho!!!!
Deangelo: The mentality of an Eminem fan…
Gwen: Errr… Would it be worth it to ask what that means?
>review it plz or ill leave it how it is..
Melanie: THERE’S a threat.
Gwen: You’re most assuredly not welcome.
>Oh my god,
Jarred: You can’t start out a fic like that.
Tempest: Looks like they did.
>me & my friend Courtney were so excited.
Melanie: We got our first training bras!
>I mean we were going to see our first EMINEM concert!
Gwen: (Twirls a finger.) Woo-hoo…
Deangelo: I completely agree with you, Gwenavere.
>We had never been before so we didn’t really know what to expect of it. We >arrived there 2 hours earlier, so we could get
Kalinda: In line for the ladies room.
Tempest: Oh, I know! Those lines are hell!
Melanie: Not when you’re packing…
Jarred: (9-9) Packing what? Lunch?
Melanie: (-_-;;) Never mind…
>close to the stage and we did!
Kalinda: (Author.) Then me and Courtney had to be taken into the hospital because we couldn’t straighten out our necks from looking up for so long.
>While we were waiting, we made friends with all the people around us.
Deangelo: Yes, then I’m sure their new “friends” killed them and threw them into a river.
Gwen: You forgot about the underage children watching.
>The opening act that night was Papa Roach and they were good but we all >were waiting for
Kalinda: (Author.) The line to go down in the ladies bathroom! We’d been there for about an hour.
>Eminem to come out, so we didn’t really give our full attention to the other >bands. Finally Eminem came out on stage.
Tempest: (Jumps up.) Yay! Go Eminem!
>OMG there were so many screaming fans that I couldn’t hear myself think at .2all.
Deangelo: So she went deaf right before Eminem started performing? He was doing her a favor…
>But it was all worth it. Eminem performed The Real Slim Shady,
Melanie & Dominick & Tempest: Yay!!!
Gwen: Not that song again…
>I’m Back, Criminal, Kim, B****
Jarred: Ooo! He has a song title with pretty stars in it? How cute!
Melanie: Jarred, sweets, that’s censored.
>Please 11, Under the Influence, The way I Am & Who Knew.
Kalinda: Certainly not me.
>It was such a
Deangelo: Mentally scarring experience.
>n incredible experience and as his set ended, we were all screaming for more.
Tempest: (Orgasmic voice.) More! More! More!
>He only did one encore and then went off.
Kalinda: Hasta la vista!
Gwen: Ta darling!
Tempest: Till next time!
Dominick: I’ll see you in hell!
(Others look strangely at Dominick.)
>The rest of the concert passed so fast. After it all ended me & Courtney went >around the side to see if we could catch Eminem.
Kalinda: In the act.
Melanie: Of making another hit CD!
Tempest: Page break! Page break!
>”Umm, Ally come on, we have been waiting outside here for ages and I’m like >fucking cold. Can we go now?” Courtney whined to me.
Deangelo: Oh sure, they censor out bitch, but they don’t censor out fuck. Yeah, that makes sense.
Melanie: Lay off, Deangelo.
Tempest: (Perks up.) Did someone say lay?
>” Please Courtney, just wait like 10 minutes & then we’ll like go…” I told her.
>”Oh ok, fine then.”
>Just as we were about to give up, guess who comes out?
Jarred: Jessica Simpson?
(All the MiSTers stare at him.)
Jarred: What’s wrong with Jessica Simpson?
Melanie: Jarred, do we even need to answer that question?
>Eminem just appeared out of the door with his bodyguards.
Tempest: (Drooling.) Eminem… Ooo, wonder if he melts in your mouth…
>There weren’t that many fans because we found a different exit, and most of>the other fans were at the main exit waiting for him there.
Dominick: Poor them!
>” Hey Eminem, could ya please sign my shirt?” I asked him just as he got near >me.
Gwen: Sign her shirt? What ever happened to a simple piece of paper?
Kalinda: Hey, at least she didn’t ask him to sign her bra strap.
>” Ummm ok fine then, whats ya name babe? He said.
Tempest: He has such a sexy voice.
Gwen: Really? I can never tell between him talking about killing people.
>” My name is Ally.”
>”Oh ok, there ya go!” He said as he finished signing my shirt.
Deangelo: I hope that comes out in the wash.
>” Thanks so much man..” I said to him but he was gone then.
Dominick: Whoa, cool. Batman disappearance. I always wanted one of those.
M: (From the control room.) Yeah? Well, I don’t wanna be sued.
>” Hey Courtney, look at my autograph isn’t it cool man?” I said to her, so happy >that my favourite rapper had just signed my shirt.
Deangelo: Not horrified like the rest of us…
Melanie: Speak for yourself, honey.
>” Yeh but I wanted to get his autograph but now he is gone”
>”Hey Courtz, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take up all of his time, ya know!”
Tempest: Yeah right! We all know your secret plot to steal Eminem from all the single girls of the world! Including me!
Jarred: It’s okay Tempest. This is only a fan fic.
Kalinda: Jarred, this is fictional. We’re fictional. To us, fiction is real, so if this girl and Eminem hook up then in our reality they really do hook up. Cause we’re in the same reality as music groups and anything not sci-fi, or video games, or anything that doesn’t appear in normal life.
Jarred: (?_?) Huh?
Gwen: I’ll explain it later.
>”Ummm Ally, I didn’t notice this but there is a number for you to call and a >message from him saying to call that number cuz its his mobile…” She told >me..
Melanie: She got his number!
Tempest: She got his number?
Dominick: Dude! She got his number!
Tempest: (Sniffing.) I want his number! I thought maybe we could do a song together!
>” Ya joking wif me man” I said unbelievingly.
Deangelo: Wif? What in the world is that?
Dominick: With said really fast. Keep up with the times, pops.
Deangelo: What did you just call me?!
Gwen: Boys, settle down. No fights in the MiSTing room.
>”I’m so serious, swear to god, and why would I joke at a time like this?” She >replied.
Kalinda: To raise a young girls hopes, only to have them dashed in a crude facade.
>”OMG” I screamed
Jarred: What does OMG stand for?
Deangelo: Organic Marmalade is Good.
Jarred: Why did she just shout that?
Deangelo: Because she really loves marmalade.
>” What are you going to do, Ally” She asked me.
>” I don’t know, maybe I’ll call the number!”
Deangelo: Yes, then you’ll have a song written about you.
Dominick: Just like Stan.
M: (From the control room.) Dido reference!
Melanie: Come on, let’s jet. I still wanna play Final Fantasy VII.
(All the MiSTers are back in the conference room sitting zombie like in front of the TV screen. M and Kalila enter the room and stop short when they see the group.)
M: (Shaking her head.) They just never learn.
M: Well, come on, hon. Let’s go get some ice cream while they learn a good lesson about sitting too close to the TV.