Vaguebooking for peace

Writing a Facebook status to/about someone without mentioning their name. A tactic typically employed by 15 year old girls, however one that has become an alarming trend among grown men (and adults in general) who display an apparent lack of testicular fortitude. The status is usually followed by dot dot dot and a wink emoticon to accentuate the passive aggressive “I’m better than you” overtones.

The status author is so blinded by his over blown sense of self worth that he generally fails to realize that he looks like a complete bitch and spineless fool.

Have a problem with someone but don’t actually want to confront them or deal with it like an adult? I have a solution for you that takes no effort or maturity! All you have to do is get on your Facebook page, where they can see your posts, no point in posting if they can’t, and complain about them without mentioning their name or anything specific enough to identify that that’s who you’re talking about.

For example, your friend, who is going through a lot at the moment, forgets to send you a birthday message on the morning of your birthday. Do you message her and tell her that you’re disappointed not to hear from her? Do you brush it off and figure that she had bigger things to worry about? Do you decide to think about the situation that she’s struggling with and not put yourself first? Fuck no!

Post something like this:

It’s come to my attention that some of my friends don’t care about me as much as I care about them. When all I want is a simple “Happy birthday!” on my wall, I find it staggering that there are some people who are too wrapped up in themselves to even do that. I guess I’m not as valued as a friend as I thought I was. I can only  hope that these people will realize just how important I am to them and how much they’ll miss me when I’m not around, cause I am over their asses.

Yeah, that will do it! Now she’ll be put into her place. She’ll be so passive-aggressively shamed that a “Happy birthday!” message will appear on your wall in no time. Best of all, other friends, ones that did wish you a happy birthday, will be posting and asking you what’s wrong and talking about how it’s such a shame that people aren’t good friends and how you can find out who your real friends are when your birthday is announced on Facebook.

You get attention from your other friends, you shame the person in question, in public, and you look like you’re speaking out against social injustice all at the same time! How could anyone want more than what a vaguebooking status could accomplish? They couldn’t. Because it accomplishes everything.

Now granted, the person who your post is directed to might not read it and if they do, they might not realize that you’re talking about them. Which might make you think that this isn’t a very efficient way to deal with your feelings, but directly contacting them about the problem would just be icky and weird. So don’t do that. Also, it might seem passive-aggressive and it might look like it will end up stirring up drama that will only compound the problem, not solve it. But whoever thinks that has never been to a women’s college!

Not directly dealing with problems is a woman’s sacred duty. Girls are taught from the time they smack another kid on the playground that directly confronting someone or something is a bad idea. They need to deal with problems in a round about way so that there’s never any of that nasty face-to-face talking stuff.

So go forth and vaguebook for the betterment of humankind! Once you have people asking you what’s wrong and who pissed you off this time, you’ll know that you’re improving the world around you. Remember this simple motto: never be direct when you can be passive-aggressive on Facebook.