The MiSTers get so bored after their MiST 50 hiatus that they actually want to MiST again. This time they tackle one of M’s old stories that she wrote to be annoying and cheesy. The MiSTers gleefully rip it apart and become uneasy at the fact that one of the main characters is a little to close to Jarred than they would have liked. Come join the memories in MiST 50!
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or celebrities, which may include but are not limited to, musicians, wrestlers and actors. I also do not own copyrighted songs, guest MiSTers, OOC demons or Mary Sues. The original MST3K is owned by BBI. I own the MiSTers, my character and any others that may include, but are not limited to, Evangelos, Donovan, Rosaleen, Smoke and Pandora. My characters are used only with my permission. This MiSTing is NOT a personal attack on the author, a personal attack on any celebrities living or dead or meant to be even slightly constructive. This IS meant solely for the amusement of others. It’s important to learn it laugh at yourselves, don’t take life too seriously, eh?
Melanie Bryce – The real way to a man’s heart is through his stomach cavity.
Gwenavere Donovan – Walk softy and carry a palm pilot.
Dominick Dante – Help me revolt against the couches!
Kalinda Beckham – “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.
Jarred Zion – I wanna be a happy fluffy bunni when I grow up!
Deangelo Desiderio – Grumpy is the only one of the seven dwarfs I understand.
Tempest Lucki – It’s not the size! It’s- Oh wait, yeah, it’s the size.
(M is sitting in the TV room, her gameboy in hand and her Pokémon crystal guide sitting beside her. The MiSTers wander in looking around and begin to slowly approach the little Leopardita. M mumbles several choice words to the gameboy then begins shouting.)
M: What the hell?! How can a freaking level 20 Miltank beat my level 24 Cindy?! This thing is rigged!
Gwen: M? Can we talk to you?
M: (Looks up and notices the MiSTers that are standing around her.) Oh, hi guys. Uh, am I in trouble.
Dominick: No, not right now anyways.
Melanie: Shut up, Dom. Anyways, ever since you’ve been writing in Zita, we’ve all been getting really depressed.
Jarred: And then Gwenie and Deangelo had that big fight, and it’s all so horrible! (He latches onto Kalinda and begins sobbing.)
Kalinda: (Rolling her eyes.) Not again…
Tempest: And you have no idea how hard it is to have freaky sex when you’re depressed!
Gwen: Moving on. We want to MiST.
Melanie: (Emma.) You know, MiST like ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha … ha.
Jarred: (Perking up.) Emma! You made an Emma reference!
Kalinda: Good God, why didn’t you tell me to do that earlier? He’s been sobbing all afternoon.
Deangelo: Getting back to what we were saying. We would like to do a MiST to lift our spirits.
M: Well, okay. I mean, this is a little odd since I don’t have to drag you or beg you or bribe you with Chinese food… But, alright, what do you want to MiST? I’ve still got my un-MiSTed folder.
Jarred: Well, we were surfing around your new and improved site with shiny new buttons and we found this. (Gives M a few pages of computer paper. M begins to look over it.)
M: Uh, guys? Why the hell do you want to MiST this? This is crap. Oh wait… I just answered my own question…
Gwen: Yes, so can we MiST?
M: Alright, let’s go then.
(All of the MiSTers flop down into their familiar chairs.)
Deangelo: (Sitting back in his seat.) Ah, it feels good to be back in the MiSTing room.
M: (In the control room, messing around.) Hmm, this button, this one, then this one… Or was it that one, this one and that one… Oh wait, I know. Okay, everyone ready?!
All MiSTers: Bring it on!
M: (From the control room.) Here we go!
Dominick: I feel the cheese already…
Jarred: Star? Who’s Star?
Deangelo: M, did you plagiarize this?
M: (From the control room.) Of course not, if I didn’t write this crap then why the hell would I claim it? That’s like trying to say all of Too Hyper’s writings were mine. (Shivers.) Scary thought.
>Emmalyn wiped her sweating hands off on her apron.
Gwen: (-_-;;;) Emmalyn?
Jarred: Emmalyn! Like Emma! Yay!!! (^_^)
Melanie: I smell a Mary-Sue…
M: (From the control room.) Well, that’s what I was going for, however, the teacher I wrote it for didn’t know what a Mary-Sue was…
>She looked around her kitchen. It looked like a complete disaster area.
Melanie: (Emmalyn.) Hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t invite Motley Cru over for any more wild parties.
>She had been cooking most of the day now.
Dominick: (Oven timer.) Bing!
Kalinda: (Emmalyn.) Ah! The stuffed pig skulls are done!
>Two batches of cookies were cooling on the table and her banana nut bread was almost done cooking.
Gwen: She turned the kitchen into a disaster area by making two batches of cookies and banana nut bread?
Melanie: Why, isn’t Emmalyn little Suzie Homemaker?
Tempest: Hey, I can cook too! Of course, I only cook when I’m trying to get someone into bed…
>She decided to get herself a glass of water, since the kitchen was very hot. Emmalyn went to the refrigerator and opened it.
Dominick: Then discovered several severed heads sitting on the bottom shelf.
>She took out a new bottle of Clear Springs water. She sat back on the counter and took a sip. Emmalyn was a twenty-two year old girl who
Deangelo: Was devoid of talent, a personality and any moral standings. Her goal was to become a pop star.
>had just completed college and was trying to decide which modeling studio she should audition for.
Tempest: She’s a model? Ooo! Sexy! Say M, are these characters still around?
M: (From the control room.) No. I killed them off.
Deangelo: Thank God…
>Emmalyn brushed a strand of hair away from her face. She had blonde hair,
Gwen: She’s got a silly name, she’s blonde and she’s a model… .
M: (From the control room.) It gets worse. I was going for the full vomiting effect here.
>that was shoulder length that complemented her strange violet eyes.
Jarred: (O_O!!!) Ack! That’s scary!
>She had tied it back for her cooking day but it was already coming out. Emmalyn was slender but at least five foot six.
Melanie: But she might not be. She could be five ten. Or five nine. OR! She might not even exist…
Deangelo: That is the last time I encourage you to read a book on philosophy.
>Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
All MiSTers: Dum, dum, DUM!
>Emmalyn looked up then padded to door. When she opened it a young man was standing there.
Tempest: (Young man.) Hi! I’m from “Dildo World”! We finally got in that dildo you ordered from us. Would you like a free demonstration? (Winks.)
>He was handsome and dressed in a worker’s uniform.
Gwen: Oi, he looks like the UPS man.
Kalinda: (^_^) God bless the UPS man.
Dominick: Maybe it’s a female thing, but what is so sexy about the UPS man?
Kalinda: They’re cute, the wear shorts, they’re always polite and you get a present every time they come to your door.
>She realized she was staring at him.
Dominick: (Emmalyn, ogling.) So this is what the male of our species looks like.
>”Can I help you?” She asked, shyly.
Melanie: (Young man.) Yeah, I’m here to savagely stab you to death.
>”I’m here to fix your outside light.” He said.
Tempest: (Young man.) And then I’ll fix your inside light. (^_-)
>”Your neighbors have been saying it’s been broken for months now.”
>”Oh, that’s very nice of you.
Dominick: He’s getting paid, you airhead.
>Do you live around here?” She asked.
Deangelo: (Young man.) Why yes, I’m staying with my wife and ten children in a cardboard box in the middle of the road. Would you like to come over and visit some time?
>”Yeah, I just moved in with my sister.
Kalinda: Talk about keeping it all in the family.
>She needed some help around the house and with her kids. She’s been having a hard time ever since her husband left her.” He said, running a hand through his hair.
Dominick: (Angsty Young Man.) Then *I* had to go and take care of her lazy ass that whines day and night and her four kids who keep calling the cops every time I come in the house. And I haven’t gotten laid for six months and I’m stuck in this crappy story.
>”That’s great.” She smiled.
Gwen: (Emmalyn.) Your brother-in-law should leave your sister more often!
>”Oh, I mean that you’re helping your sister, not that her husband left her, of course, I was just cooking, would you like to come in?”
Melanie: God this chick is brain dead. You don’t go around inviting strangers into your house!
Jarred: But he seems like a nice young man. (^_^)
Deangelo: They all seem nice, until they stab you to death.
>She asked, trying to save herself.
>”I’d love too.”
Tempest: (Young man.) Then we can have wild kinky sex on the kitchen floor!
>”Great. Oh, what was your name again?”
Everyone, except Jarred: (Looks strangely at Jarred.) Uh…
Jarred: (Completely clueless.) Is Emma going to release “Sunshine On A Rainy Day” or “She Was A Friend Of Mine” as her next single?
Tempest: Page break! Page break! God, I missed doing that!
Others: We didn’t!
>”And here’s your present.” Jay said, handing a box to Emmalyn.
Deangelo: (Jay.) It’s a vial of blood from our latest virgin sacrifice!
>She looked at the tag on it and read;
Melanie: (Emmalyn reading the tag.) To the biggest whore I’ve never met. You give great head!
>”To my love on our one year anniversary.” She smiled and hugged Jay.
>”Go on, open it.” He urged.
Dominick: (Jay.) Then we can stop with all this warm fuzzy nonsense and get it on!
>Emmalyn neatly took off the wrapping paper and took the lid off of the cardboard box.
Gwen: Inside was a copy of “Why I Think I’m Nothing With A Man”.
>A card was sitting on top.
Tempest: All he got her was a dinky card? Not even a condom to kinda hint at her.
Dominick: Looks like someone’s not getting any lovin’ tonight.
>She picked it up and started to read. “Dearest Emmalyn,
Melanie: (The card.) I’m actually a transvestite and I’m in love with my probation officer. Can we still be friends?
>I love you. I love you with all my heart, soul, and mind.
Tempest: And body! Woo-hoo!
>I can’t stand the moments that you’re apart from me, my queen.
Deangelo: (The card.) But I periodically wish they were longer.
>I rejoice for every time we’re together.
Melanie: (The card.) Then I rejoice even more when you’ve finally left me alone, you insane groupie.
>You hold my heart and my love. If you were ever to leave me,
Kalinda: (The card.) I would sing and dance and make merry with the many pink elephants that live inside my head.
Kalinda: Come on, he’s GOT to be on something for writing this crap.
(All the MiSTers suddenly glance up at M.)
M: (From the control room.) Hey! The only thing I’m on is Dr Pepper.
Dominick: Which is bad enough…
>I wouldn’t be able to survive without my light, my sunshine, my morning. Whenever I look in your beautiful eyes, I can see your love and I know that we’ll be together for all eternity.
Deangelo: (The card.) Or at least until I get bored with you and blow all our money on cheap hookers.
>Just you and me.
Tempest: (The card.) And my lesbian friends who enjoy threesomes!
>And one day, when we have many children, we will still have our love. I’ll love you till the sun falls out of the sky, till the mountains crumble, till Britney Spears is fully clothed,
All MiSTers: (O_O!) My God, he’s serious!
>till the wind won’t howl. You’re the best thing that ever came into my life,
Jarred: Before cocaine, I suppose.
>and I know I would have been a lonely man without you. If I ever mistreated you,
Melanie: (The card.) You would beat the shit out of me, so that pretty much keeps me in line.
>you must know that I have gone insane to ever hurt my love, my life,
Dominick: My moldy sock in the back of my dresser drawer.
>my everything. Love, Jay.” Emmalyn brushed the tears out of her eyes.
Gwen: (Emmalyn, tearing.) That was just so… so… pathetic! (Begins sobbing.)
>”That was beautiful.” She said. She hugged Jay.
>”I have one more present for you.” He said.
Jarred: (^_^) A shiny new personality!
>Jay reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box. He opened it slowly, and showed Emmalyn the diamond engagement ring that was inside.
Deangelo: (Jay.) That’s right, Emmalyn. I’m going to ask my sister to marry me! Would you like to be the bridesmaid?
>Emmalyn gasped as the tears flowed down her cheeks.
>”Emmalyn, will you marry me?” Jay asked.
Melanie: (Emmalyn.) Uh no. But can I keep the ring?
>”Oh, yes. I’ll marry you.” She breathed.
Tempest: Page break! Page break!
>Emmalyn twirled around in her wedding dress.
Gwen: Then got dizzy and fell over.
>She was ready to be married. She smiled at her reflection. She was finally going to be a wife.
Jarred: Of a happy fluffy bunni!
Deangelo: Hmm, that WOULD be an improvement over Jay…
>Her mother was standing off to the side of the room, blotting her eyes with a Kleenex.
Kalinda: (Emmalyn’s mother.) My daughter can’t even put a sentence together! Why didn’t I just have sons!?
>Emmalyn picked up her skirt and walked over to her mom.
Melanie: (Emmalyn.) Listen bitch, this is MY big day so stop with all the fake crying and get your ass to the church.
>”Don’t cry, mommy.” She said.
Tempest: Yeah, now Emmalyn is gonna lose her virginity!
Gwen: I was thinking more along the lines of Emmalyn’s mother not having to take care of her anymore.
>”You’re not losing me. I’ll always be your little baby, and soon you’re going to be a grandmother, and you’ll have lots of grandchildren to
Dominick: Run around the house and walk in on you when you’re having sex and drive you insane and-
Melanie: Do you have a secret fear of grandchildren or something?
Dominick: No, I have a secret fear of all children.
M: (From the control room.) He’ll get over that, don’t worry.
Dominick: I will?
M: (From the control room.) Well, you have three kids, so you better.
>take care of. Then you’ll have great-grandchildren. Won’t it be wonderful?
All MiSTers: Uh, no.
>I’m starting a new chapter in my life.
Gwen: Chapter 2: The living hell of my marriage. Before Chapter 3: My rebirth as a Child of the Moon Goddess.
>I’m becoming Mrs. Jay Newbold. I’m going to marry the man I love, and soon I’ll be a mother. Isn’t it exciting?”
Kalinda: About as exciting as watching the grass grow.
Dominick: Waiting for crappy authors to write decent stories.
Deangelo: Waiting for teen music to become bearable.
Tempest: Page break! Page break!
>”In later news, today two elderly members of the community died.
All MiSTers: Woo-hoo!
M: (From the control room.) And people wonder where the rest of my character get their thirst for blood from…
>They were Emmalyn and Jay Newbold. They were married for over sixty years and had four children together.
Jarred: (O_O!!!) Oh no! They bred!
Kalinda: God help us all!
>They were buried side-by-side today in the Newbold family plot. Before Mr. Newbold died he wrote a love poem to his wife, which is being engraved on their tombstone.
Deangelo: I’d imagine this one went along the lines of; When Mandy Moore’s songs have depth, that is when I’ll stop loving you.
>Friends and family members said the two were
Tempest: Cause they were kinky freaks even at eighty!
>inseparable, and they always knew Emmalyn and Jay were meant to be together for ever. Now to Don, for the weather.”
Gwen: Riiiiight. (Reporter.) Screw the old dead people, let’s talk about the temperature.
M: (From the control room.) Well, that’s the end kids.
Jarred: (Picking up a bag that’s under his chair.) Hmm, what’s this?
Dominick: (Leaning over.) What’s what?
Jarred: This cute little package. (Opens the bag.)
Jarred & Dominick: (O_O!!!) AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Dominick: Gross! M!!! You forgot to clean out the barf bags!!!!
Deangelo: That smell is horrendous, let’s get out of here.
(The MiSTers are back in the conference room, getting food from the snack bar while Dominick is finding all of Pearl’s scented candles and is placing them on the table and lighting them.)
Melanie: (Whispering to Gwen.) Are you sure we should let him light things on fire?
Gwen: (Whispering to Melanie.) Don’t worry, there’s a fire extinguisher under the conference table.
M: So, despite the used barf bag, how was that MiST?
Deangelo: I thought we took it very well.
Gwen: Yes, it’s nice to be able to mercilessly make fun of something again.
Melanie: Hey, have you written any more crappy fics to piss off teachers?
M: Nopers. But we still have plenty of things to MiST, don’t worry.
Tempest: Now that we all feel better, I’m going to go find someone to have sex with.
Melanie: (Glances at Dominick.) Say something and die…
Jarred: I’m going to go listen to Emma Bunton!
Kalinda: What else is new?
Dominick: I’m going to go take a cold shower… Bye-bye everyone…
Tempest: Bye-bye Dommie. (^_^)
M: I’ve gotta get to work on some stuff for my site. Catch ya later, guys.
Gwen: Bye M.