NB: I wrote this in college as a Myspace blog (that dates it pretty much right there) but never published it. I just recently rediscovered it, tucked away in a folder. I figured it was interesting enough to post. Even as I changed as a person in the last few years, I was sure of what I wanted in a relationship and that still hasn’t changed.
My future husband,
I don’t know if you actually exist, pessimist though I maybe, it seems that the older I get, the more discouraged I am that I’m going to be able to find someone who can meet my expectations (not to mention tolerate living with me). Some people think that I hate men, which is very untrue. I give everyone a fair chance until they disappoint or hurt me and it seems that men always tend to do more quickly and more effectively than any female that I’ve met. When I think about it, I give men more than a fair chance, because under my jaded and cynical exterior, I long to be loved in return and find the security of being wrapped in someone’s arms.
But if you exist, I know that you’ll appreciate my honesty. I can never seem to be subtle enough for men, I can never correctly lead them on, make them engage in a chase, and fulfill that prehistoric urge to hunt and trap. If I like someone, they know it, if I’m upset, it shows. If you give to me, I’ll reciprocate. If you pull away from me, I’ll pull closer because I’m so scared of losing something so precious. I will be honest and loyal and dedicated, because I expect no less from you.
Despite all of my experiences I still find myself hopelessly wishing for the impossible; for someone who will truly love me, for someone who will appreciate me fully, someone who won’t try to change me or control me, someone who will laugh with me and comfort me when I cry. Someone who can see me at my worst and not run away. Above all, I wish for someone who will not disappoint me. Who will show up, who will not lie, who will stand by me when everything comes crashing to the ground.
I long for someone who will understand me. Not just a piece of me, or a section of my interests, but everything. And what they don’t understand, they appreciate instead of trying to change it or ignoring it. I am who I am, both the good and the bad. I will never ask anything from you that I am not prepared to give myself, and I will always say what I mean. So please, return the favor.