My Scene goes Hollywood and gets a double shot, iced, half-caf, non-fat, soy, mocha latte

My_Scene_Goes_HollywoodThe third and final My Scene movie, My Scene goes Hollywood, is the longest and actually has some recognizable voice actors in it. It was released in 2005, keep this in mind as it will become very important later. The movie stars the normal My Scene girls, Chelsea, Delancey, Madison, Barbie and Nolee, as well as Lindsay Lohan, playing herself. See what I told you about 2005. This was when people still wanted Lindsay to be in family-friendly movies and she didn’t have a criminal record.

Even though this was billed as their first feature film, running a whopping 77 minutes total, the animation hasn’t changed a bit from their previous ventures. The main characters are still all the same girl with different hair and skin tones, the dancing looks just as jerky and awkward as in the other two films, and the boy’s lips are still shockingly pink. Was their budget the same size as when they made the other two, much shorter films?

When it really comes down to it, this film is really no different from their previous cinematic adventures. The girls get involved with drama that they created, there’s a misunderstanding over a cute boy, the five main characters struggle to display any individuality at all, and once again, no sign of parents. They seem to exist, but the viewer wouldn’t be able to prove it. Overall, it’s more of the same from My Scene and more dubious lessons being taught to young girls.

The film starts out with the five main characters, Nolee, Chelsea, Barbie, Delancey and Madison, walking down the street in their native New York City (it should be mentioned that while the film title contains the word “Hollywood”, the entire film takes place in NYC. Which totally isn’t confusing at all). As they walk, boys whistle, people stop and stare, peoples’ heads turn. Because there’s no way to know that you’re desirable if you’re not a subject of street harassment. The girls are introduced with their trademarked handwritten name and some brief shots of them doing something that they allegedly like to do.

In the films the girls end up spending most of their time gossiping and starting drama as opposed to actually pursuing hobbies or showcasing their talents. If they do manage to something sporty or interesting, it’s shown for an entire 2 seconds before someone brings up whatever drama they’re currently wrestling with. This is more of the sameNew_11_Goes_Hollywood__Barbie

But as much as it has bothered me in the previous movies, this film makes it all the more apparent; these characters, who young girls are supposed to identify with and personify and play with, are so shallow and undeveloped that they are all virtually interchangeable. The girls are supposed to be of different races, from different cultural backgrounds, with different interests and hobbies, but they never, in the space of three films, gain their own, distinguishable voice. The five characters just blend together in a vortex of boys, fashion, gossip and lip gloss.

By the end of this third film offering you’d think that a viewer would have a grasp of the girl’s personalities and quirks and talents, but you don’t. You know that Madison writes songs, Chelsea designs fashions, Barbie… is really dramatic, Nolee is good at math and Delancey… uh, likes guys who can ask her out? Is that really all we’ve learned from these five characters in the space of three movies?

Why offer girls and their poor parents these hollow shells of real girls when there are great female characters just waiting to be written? The point of any doll is to sell units, but a side effect is that children are learning and taking cues from what they are being sold. This responsibility is more than just getting money out of their parent’s wallets. Although most of the time you’d wouldn’t be able to tell from viewing the material that is being put out.

But enough philosophizing, let’s get back to the movie. The girls continue walking down the street after their intros and suddenly, Barbie, the leader of the pack, trips and falls. She gets up to see that she’s fallen over a large wire and a bored-looking man sitting on a box informs her that the street is roped off for the shoot. The girls don’t quite understand what’s going on, but enter The Dish and find it crammed with people.

But not just any kind of people. Hollywood kind of people. A boy announces that he got a call from his agent and he’s now officially landed the part of Wiener Boy. Which might be a porno, not sure. A girl mentions something about talking to her zits, then a woman orders a double shot, iced, half-caf, non-fat, soy, mocha latte, like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

The girls move through the crowd, trying to locate their male counterparts, River, Ellis, Hudson, and Sutton. Then this amazing exchange happens:

Barbie: (Shouting.) Think we can find the guys?
Chelsea: (Shouting.) What?!
Nolee: (Shouting.) She said, “I think I want fish eyes”!
Chelsea: (Shouting.) What? Why?
Barbie: (Shouting.) What?
Delancey: (Shouting.) You want to wear a disguise?
Madison: (Shouting.) What?

The girls then locate the boys and sit down where they can manage to hear each other just fine. But seriously, she wants fish eyes? Who would ever say that and in what context would that ever make sense? Anyway, the guys inform them that there is a movie shooting outside, but they’re not sure what it is or who is starring in it. Hudson and Ellis want to meet a hot actress and… I don’t know, drool on her? They never explain exactly why they want to meet her.

The girls then decide to go outside to watch the filming. Delancey states that she used to live in LA and has seen plenty of movies being filmed. Which is fine, but it’s not like New York is exactly a place that no one has ever thought to film a movie in. Anyway, the girls get outside and push through the crowd, trying to get a view of the actual filming. One of the crew members spot them and asks them if they’re supposed to be there (where? On the street?) and Delancey jumps in stating that they’re extras.

My_Scene_Goes_Hollywood_Dressing_RoomThey go into a gym, where the movie is actually filming, not on the street. So it doesn’t make a lot of sense why they roped off the entire street in order to shoot a movie inside, but whatever. The girls crowd around the bleachers and Barbie wants to find a safe place to watch from, but Delancey points out that they don’t have to watch the movie, they can be IN the movie. Nolee then tells them that they don’t have the same gold and blue gym clothes on like the other extras.

Thinking quickly, Chelsea asks Delancey to snag a blue and yellow banner that’s hanging up on a wall. She does and in a matter of seconds, Chelsea, with a pair of scissors and a sewing kit that she had in her purse, manages to turn what the girls were wearing into convincing enough gym uniforms to get them onto the set. Audra, the woman in charge of the extras, puts them into position without a care in the world that she suddenly has 5 more teenage extras than when she started.

Chelsea ends up being the Sweat Girl, who is in charge of walking around with a mop and mopping up everyone’s sweat. Which sounds a little strange for an extra, but whatever. But we have no time to worry about crap like that. Jim, the director, is introduced and he calls out to Lindsay Lohan to ask if she’s ready to film the scene. The big reveal!

Lindsay is drawn as a red head with layered hair, adorable freckles, and the same willowy body type as the other My Scene girls. She and her co-star, Ryan Ridley, signal their readiness and the director recaps the film. The movie, called Spy Society, tells the story of Laurel (Lohan) and Derek (Ridley) who attend a school that secretly trains teen government spies. Lindsay is training for her first mission with Derek in the gym. As she goes through the obstacle course, all of the extras are supposed to watch her and look super impressed. And for good reason.

They start filming and Lindsay takes off, doing some ridiculous stunt work without any safety equipment around. She dodges lasers, climbs a rock wall with no harness, then swings from the top of the rock wall over to another part of the gym all on her own. At the end of this insane sequence, the director announces that they got everything they needed in the first take and calls it a wrap for the day.

Audra tells the extras to go get their yellow call sheets and come to Central Park at 6am the next morning to continue filming. The girls have a ton of reactions. First, they’re in a movie! Second, they don’t have to do any paperwork or anything in order to keep this job. Third, they have to get up at 6am?! Madison makes a huge deal about never having been up at 6am before. Which seems strange. They go to high school, don’t they? Do their classes start in the middle of the afternoon?

But anyway, the girls decide to have a slumber party so that no one will over sleep for their demanding wake up call. The girls set 20 different alarm clocks and the My Scene friends set up their sleeping bags so that the alarm clocks are all at their heads. Before turning in for the night, Barbie looks up some information about the movie on her computer. She finds interviews with Lindsay and announces that she sounds totally cool and totally down to earth.

She adds that she seems, “totally normal. The kind of girl that we’d hang out with.” And maybe Lindsay is. At this point in her life, anyway. Meanwhile, Chelsea is still complaining as being cast as Sweat Girl and Nolee encourages her to not wait to be the last person assigned to a task. Reasoning the Audra gives the best jobs first.

But the conversation turns back to Lindsay as Nolee reasons that a lot of stars meet their new BFFs on set. Madison then reasons that, “hanging out with her would open every door in the world.” The girls then drift off into a fantasy sequence where each one imagines what she can get out of Lindsay from being her friend. Because that’s what friendship is about. What the other person can do for you.

Madison imagines herself on a beach somewhere tropical with Lindsay reading over a script that she wrote. Lindsay loves it, of course, and says that she will talk to her Hollywood contacts in order to get it made right away. Chelsea wants Lindsay to wear her clothing designs to award shows, reasoning that it’s the best kind of advertising there is for a designer. Barbie wants to be Lindsay’s personal social life coordinator. She imagines herself arranging a party at Lindsay’s house for her when she returns from work and Barbie casually gets to invite herself to movie premieres and new restaurant openings.

Meanwhile, Delancey wants Lindsay to fly her for free all around the world. She sees herself and Lindsay swimming in view of the Sidney Opera House discussing what part of the world has the best waves to surf on. Nolee, on the other hand, wants to build Lindsay an “ultimate meditation room” and have Lindsay recommend it to all of her celebrity friends. So everyone has a way that they can benefit from being friends with a girl that they’ve never met. That’s healthy.51G485GS0EL

The next morning, the plethora of alarm clocks go off and all of the girls wake up, except Madison. So Delancey does a terrible rooster impression and her annoying sound effect rouses Madison and makes her plead for Delancey to stop making that awful noise. The next scene is the girls walking to the set in Central Park, observing the sunrise.

As they get close to the area where all of the trailers are set up, four boys, one rocking the most wicked unibrow I have ever seen on an animated character, stop them and ask them if they’re working on a movie. This all seems fine, but the boys are, I guess, supposed to be Italian, and the one who speaks has an Italian accent as convincing as Super Mario’s. But what’s a little cultural insensitivity on top of the rest of the movie’s flaws?

The girls arrive on set and check in with Audra who sends them all to wardrobe to get their costumes for the day. Chelsea, being a budding fashion designer, informs the girls that the costumer will put them all in outfits that are suited to their individual tastes and personalities. This doesn’t pan out as the next scene has the girls telling the wardrobe lady their sizes and they receive a basic riding outfit. Also, their size. All five of them say “medium.” Medium? Medium in what? Toddler clothes?

Moving on, once the girls are dressed the decide to, “check this place out.” Cue a montage of them messing with expensive equipment, peeking inside of trailers, Delancey taking food off of the craft services table, them applying makeup, then they take a joy ride in a golf cart. Their adventure is cut short by Audra catching them in the golf cart and sending them to the extra’s trailer to stay there until they’re needed.

The girls then sit around for the next four hours. They all seem pretty bored, except for Delancey, who keeps going back to the craft services table for trail mix and licorice. Finally, the girls decide that they’ve been patient enough and go to check out the wardrobe trailer. Cue a montage of the girls trying clothes on and pretending to be in scenes from a movie. Because what else would girls be interested in on a movie set? Just clothes.

Finally, Audra calls for the extras and then asks for a volunteer. Nolee pushes Chelsea to volunteer so that she can get a better part this time. Chelsea does and it turns out that she just volunteered to be Muck Girl. The person who cleans up after the horses. Perhaps the movie is trying to make the point that even in the glamorous movie industry, someone still has to clean up the shit. Or maybe that being tall, thin, beautiful, and popular can’t exempt you from having shitty jobs. But it was probably just a lame attempt at a joke.

As they get onto the set, Audra tells the director that one of the actresses, Samantha, broke her leg while rollerblading to Central Park. Their options are to either hold up production or find someone else. Since the movie is only in town for two weeks, holding up production is just not going to happen. Just then, Madison’s horse gets bored and she has to corral the animal, bringing her to the attention of the director.

He mentions that she’s “gorgeous” and goes up to her and asks her about her previous acting experience. Madison tells him that outside of school plays, she has no experience or training. The director doesn’t care though. She’s cute, so what else could she need when being in a movie? He tells her that it’s a small part with about five lines. She’s hesitant, but what fame-obsessed teenage girl in 2005 wouldn’t murder their own parents for a chance to be in a movie with Lindsay Lohan?

Anyway, her new part is that of Liza, a double agent that Derek, Ryan Ridley, is in love with. Her first scene involves kissing Ryan, much to her embarrassment. Since Madison has moved up in the world, she is taken to her own trailer and then goes to wardrobe and makeup, where she takes the other My Scene girls. After a makeover montage, Madison emerges in a new, white riding outfit looking pretty much the same as she did before the makeover.

Next, the girls run into Lindsay, hanging out at her trailer. She invites them in and shows them around her trailer. The girls then have a fascinating conversation about mobile homes. Finally, Madison confesses her nervousness to Lindsay and she recommends that she just forgets about the cameras and relaxes. The girls then head out to the set to start filming.

In the scene that they’re filming, Lindsay and the other extras are riding their horses along in Central Park. Lindsay knows that Madison’s character is a double agent and she wants to warn Ryan about her. Lindsay sees Ryan and heads over to him. However, Ryan is going in for a kiss on Madison and Lindsay stops short, gasps at the couple sucking face. End scene.

Guess how many takes it is before they get one good run through. 37. The outtakes include Madison laughing, then Ryan laughing, then birds land right in front of them, then Madison gets hit with the boom mic, then there’s a bee, so on, so forth. But when Madison and Ryan finally kiss, the director declares that it’s magic! Madison immediately forms a crush on the handsome Ryan Ridley.

After filming is done, the girls head back to Madison’s trailer and Madison gushes about her kiss with Ryan. Just then, Ryan enters and tells Madison that some of the actors are going to a club called the Buzz Lounge at seven that night and he hopes to see her there. Madison, thinks that he’s asking her out on a date. We find out later that this wasn’t exactly the case.

Cut to the next scene in The Dish where the four girls, minus Madison, are filling the guys in on their adventures on the film set. Madison then enters wearing a cute outfit and tells them that she’s nervous but excited about seeing Ryan and hanging out with all of the celebrity types. After she leaves the other My Scene teens decide that they’ll head over to the Buzz Lounge themselves to check out the scene and see if they can talk to Lindsay Lohan some more. One of the guys casually mentions their band, Urban Desire, whom no one has spoke about since their first movie.

But we don’t have time to worry about that as the movie cuts to the Buzz Lounge. Madison and Lindsay are playing some kind of DDR game, which they apparently don’t need to face the monitor in order to do. Also, they are doing hand motions and Lindsay pulls a break dancing move at the end. So yeah, nothing like DDR then.

This is followed by a montage of the girls playing video games, dancing awkwardly on the dance floor and scoping out all of the alleged famous people. Then we catch up with Madison who is playing a game of air hockey against Lindsay while Ryan watches. Madison admits that she was intimidated to meet Lindsay and the young actress can’t seem to fathom why. She informs Madison, “I’m just me. I just have a cool job, that’s all.”

myscenehollywood

The air hockey game ends and the trio go over to a bench to sit down and chat. Lindsay states that some new interviews with Ryan have just come out and everyone is calling him the new It Boy. Ryan then brags about how he got papped on the way in. Madison thinks that this invasion of your privacy is super neat. Lindsay is there with a dose of reality to inform them that getting your picture taken when you’re out in your sweat pants, trying to get a cup of coffee is not nearly as glamorous. But Ryan just laughs it off.

Just then, Hudson and Ellis, who are standing across the room, staring at Lindsay, wave to Madison and poor Madison is forced to admit that she knows all of those uncool people. When she acknowledges them, they come over to say hi. Chelsea pretends that they just happened to run into Madison. When Ryan reminds her that she was in the same room when he invited Madison to the Buzz Lounge, Chelsea just laughs nervously.

The My Scene teens then proceed to embarrass Madison by fawning all over Lindsay. Chelsea talks about Lindsay’s top, Barbie gushes like a fangirl over Lindsay’s movies, meanwhile, Ellis, gets close to Lindsay and proceeds to drool a bit. Madison tries to rein her friends in, but it’s no use. Finally, Madison lies and says that some of the people from the movie are on the dance floor waving at Lindsay. The actress walks over to them while Madison chastises her friends for being so awkward.

Ryan then states that he has friends that he needs to go meet and invites Madison to come with him so she can escape her cringe-worthy friends. Madison jumps at the chance to go somewhere with a cool person instead of hanging around her boring, normal people friends. The two leave the Buzz Lounge and get out onto the street where Madison complains about her uncool friends and Ryan agrees with her that they are terrible plebeians. He tells her that sometimes “certain worlds” don’t mix. Meaning, super awesome cool people like him and her repulsive friends.

Just then, two members of the paparazzi jump out and start taking photos of the pair. Ryan acts like it’s a huge inconvenience, but as soon as he and Madison duck into the car, he brags that on his way in, he only had one photographer following him, now there’s two! Also, one called him It Boy. His new nickname is clearly sticking! Madison is eager to agree about how great this is. For all of the lessons in this movie, fame being fun and exciting is definitely one of them.

The following day the girls wait outside The Dish for Madison to come join them so that they can walk to the set together. After waiting for a half hour, they decide that something is wrong and they call Madison only to find that she has had her dad drive her to the set. Allegedly. Still no indication that any parents actually exist in any of these movies and this is no exception. Anyway, the girls walk to the set by themselves and Delancey discovers that she missed all of the mini muffins on the craft services’ table.

The girls pile into Madison’s trailer in order to get the latest scoop on Madison’s date the previous night with Ryan Ridley. Madison, who usually would have told all of her friends every single detail of her date, demurs and tells them that there’s no much to say about it. Finally, Madison tells the girls that she has to look over her script and asks them to leave, telling them that she’ll see them at lunch. Yes, Madison has to go over her entire five lines. Just think how much concentration that must take.barb_03

At lunch, Madison sits with Ryan and Lindsay and ignores her friends when they wave to her. When Lindsay tries to point out that they’re saying hi, Madison informs her that they’re probably just waving in general. Because tons of people do that every day. Also, it was around this time when I noticed something strange about Delancey’s earrings. They go over her hair even when her ears are hidden. So how does that work exactly?

Anyway, later that night, the girls head over to Madison’s house to surprise her with DVDs and Hawaiian pizza. However, Madison already has plans with Ryan and some of his friends and just doesn’t have time to watch movies and eat pizza. The girls offer to come with her, but Madison, not wanting her super embarrassing friends tagging along yet again, tells them no.

The girls, obviously hurt, inform her that Hudson, Sutton, Ellis and River are throwing the girls a wrap party once the filming is done. Madison says that she would love to come and hurries the girls out of her room. The four teenagers then go out into the hallway and talk smack about Madison when she’s only a few yards away.

Cut to the next day and Madison blows the girls off yet again. They arrive at her trailer to find that she is in the middle of a conversation with Lindsay and doesn’t want to be disturbed. The other girls huff and puff a bit, but slink off to go wait in the extras’ trailer.

The following scenes are a montage of Ryan and Madison dating. They go shopping, they get ice cream, they get caught in the rain and ride in a horse-drawn carriage, etc. The pair looks pretty comfortable with each other the entire time, but this will only come back to bite Madison in the ass later in the story.

The next day at The Dish, the girls are going over a ton of newspapers and magazines that feature pictures of Madison with Lindsay and Ryan. The girls make it very clear to the guys that they are hella pissed at Madison. When the guys tell them that they’re probably just jealous of her, Chelsea attempts to explain that they’re not actually jealous, but she has to admit that they are. Nevertheless, the real problem, she assures them, is that Madison is ignoring them and spending all of her time with her new-found famous friends.

Speak of the devil, Madison enters The Dish! She’s talking on her mobile phone to Lindsay. She tells her new famous pal, “Oh breaking up, gotta jump, Linds. Smooches!” then orders the same ridiculous coffee that the woman in the beginning did. Little known fact, the girl that serves Madison her coffee is allegedly Kenzie. Poor Kenzie went from having her own doll and having a single line in Masquerade Madness to being downgraded to a silent character with no doll in this movie. What did Kenzie ever do to anyone?

4352166792_0a9af4b8faThe guys, who haven’t been subjected to new better-than-you version of Madison, calls her over and Madison, remembering that she was once friends with little people, comes over to say hey. Madison sees the newspapers that the girls were going over and remarks about a super sweet caption that calls her “Ryan’s beautiful mystery girl.” She then ponders if she should release her name to the media so that the entire world can stop wondering who she is.

Delancey replies sarcastically that she’s sure it’s all the city has been worrying about. Madison brushes off her sarcasm. Sutton asks Madison about the wrap party and Madison carefully backs out of it. She says that Ryan isn’t going to want to hang out with normal people and just listen to music. He has real parties to go to and fun, celebrity things to do. Madison leaves The Dish and the other characters are furious at the way they were just treated. Barbie, never one to shy away from drama, decides she’s going to go confront Madison about how she’s treating everyone and stomps off after her.

Barbie bravely tries to give Madison a reality check. Madison has five lines in a movie. She’s not famous, she’s not better than any of her other friends, she’s not on the same level as Ryan and Lindsay. Madison whips back that Barbie is just jealous. Barbie counters that Madison is choosing her new friends, who will be leaving for LA in a matter of days, and rejecting your real friends who were friends with her before Ryan and Lindsay and will be friends with her afterwards too. Madison tries to explain that she’s choosing both groups of friends, she’s just doing it separately. Barbie doesn’t buy it.

This scene is interesting because it’s really sending a message to girls that even if you’re thin, beautiful, popular and well off, there are still people who are all of that and more. No matter how awesome you might become, there will always be someone more awesome than you are and your friends will always be ready to put those people above you. Remember that girls, you’re never going to be good enough.

Meanwhile, it’s the final day of shooting on the movie. Madison tries to talk to the other girls and they all blow her off and ignore her. Because nothing solves problems like the silent treatment. Meanwhile, Chelsea is now Trash Girl, completing her journey from Sweat Girl and Muck Girl to her final evolution! But even lowly Trash Girl is snippy with Madison.

As the director gets everyone ready for the final scene, he goes over exactly what supposed to be happening. In this scene, Lindsay and Ryan are working undercover at a museum. Madison, one of the art thieves, sneaks into the museum in an attempt to recover a brief case that apparently has something important in it. We don’t know. As soon as Lindsay sees Madison, she and Ryan leap into action and capture her, thus saving the day.

What follows is a huge, complicated stunt scene, again, all done in one continuous take and without any safety equipment or body doubles. But in the end, Madison is taken away in handcuffs and the director announces that that’s a wrap. Lindsay goes to talk to some reporters and Madison takes the moment to talk to Ryan about the next weekend, seeing as he’s headed back to LA right after that. Ryan tells her that he’s busy and won’t have time to hang out. He has important celebrity things to do, after all.My-Scene-Goes-Hollywood-my-scene-30639298-450-338

Madison asks if she can tag along and Ryan reveals that he doesn’t think of her as his girlfriend at all. He tells her, “You’re fun and all, but soon we don’t even be in the same orbit.” Meaning that he will go on to gain even more fame and prestige and she will continue to be a normal person who once had five lines in a movie. Madison, who of course thought that they were totally dating, is crushed and walks off in tears.

Meanwhile, Lindsay, who was standing further away than the other My Scene girls, overhears what Ryan told her and approaches the girls. Lindsay informs them that they need to go check on Madison and the girls balk at the idea. Lindsay accuses the girls of not being Madison’s real friends to begin with, even though she admits that she has no idea what’s going on with the girls. Put in their place, the girls decide to check up on Madison.

Cue a montage of Madison lying in bed feeling sorry for herself while the girls call and leave her messages. Finally, after the fifth unreturned called, the girls show up outside of her bedroom and pound on the door until she finally lets them in. But even though the girls are concerned about their friend, who just had her heart stomped on, they’re not about to let her get away with what she did. They assure her that she’s just not a good person and tell her that she deserved what happened to her.

Madison agrees with them and accepts her punishment. But while the girls make it clear that they haven’t exactly forgotten about how they were treated, Barbie assures Madison that a couple of bad weeks isn’t enough to ruin a lifetime of friendship. Finally able to smile again, Madison decides to come to the wrap party that the guys are throwing. Even though there’s no red carpet or celebrity guests.

Fast forward six months and it’s time for the New York movie premiere of Spy Society! The girls decide to do what they do best and have an all-day salon session. They go through just about every beauty treatment ever invented and emerge still looking pretty much the same as when they started out. The My Scene teens then head off to someone’s house to decide what they want to wear to the premiere.

While the girls are getting ready, the guys are waiting downstairs, fully dressed and bored out of their minds. This stereotype of girls taking forever to get ready just annoys me now. In my relationship, I can be ready to go 20 minutes after I open my eyes. Tim takes at least two hours just to get out of bed and get dressed. But this movie is about perpetuating stereotypes and gender roles, so there’s no real surprise that this one is present.

Anyway, the girls finally manage to get dressed in their super sparkly movie premiere outfits. They and the guys pile into a stretch limo and arrive at the red carpet as if they are actual movie stars. As they step from the car, the crowd goes wild, cheering for all of them, completing their illusion that they are celebrities. When Chelsea questions who the crowd thinks that the girls are, as the crowd probably wouldn’t waste all of their energy cheering for unknown extras, Barbie asks her, “Does it matter?” And it really doesn’t.

The girls are getting attention and applause and they are being rewarded for looking great. It doesn’t matter who the people think they are. They look like movie stars and that’s enough for anyone to be happy. Just then, Lindsay arrives!

She greets the girls as if they’re the best of friends and when Chelsea tells her that being the center of attention on the red carpet is pretty cool, all Lindsay can do is say, “It’s fun, isn’t it?” The six girls all walk the red carpet together as if they were the only characters in the entire movie. The paparazzi takes photos of them and they’re almost down the red carpet when Ryan appears.

He says hi to Lindsay and suggests ditching the “hangers on” in order to go enjoy the movie. Lindsay turns to Madison and asks her if she has any interest in hanging out with him. Madison assures her that she doesn’t and the teenagers continue their walk down the red carpet and into the theatre. The camera then pans up to a blimp that has the words “The End” highlighted on it.

It’s finally over! Yay. Well, not quite. There are some special features on the DVD. So let’s plow through them. Thankfully, there aren’t a lot of them and they’re mostly, guess what, sillt. The first one is a personality profile. I’m Madison. No idea why. Here’s an example of the a set of question and answers:

The perfect vacation with your girlfriends would be:

-Backpacking through Europe
-Staying at five-star hotels in Paris
-Chillin’ by the pool in Hawaii
-Camping in the Australian outback
-Going to a cool amusement park

Um, what? Camping in the Aussie outback is fucking dangerous to the point that for five teenage girls to go out there alone, it would be bordering on dangerously ridiculous. 4 out of the 5 options require a plane ride. And what does any of this have to do with your personality?

Moving on, the next feature is a game where you help Chelsea find shit in her messy room. It’s about as fun as it sounds. First thing to find: nail polish!

Next is the superstar challenge. The blurb on this game reads: “You’re getting ready for your fist movie premiere. Do you have what it takes to be a Hollywood megastar on the red carpet? Find out when you answer these movie-star questions.” The results, no matter what you pick, are always good. I chose the “wrong” things on multiple occasions and had one of the girls inform me that that’s not what a real Hollywood megastar would do. Fuck them, I want to eat pizza in my movie premiere gown.

Then there’s a memory game that is entirely too easy. Seriously, the questions are major plot points and I had no hesitation when picking between the three options. I ended up getting a perfect score on this game.

The last feature is a collection of “bloopers and outtakes” from the film. While we might all remember fondly in Toy Story II where the movie ended with fake outtakes, these outtakes are no where near the same quality. Most of them are just boring and tedious. Ryan’s armor helmet falls on him three times. Who cares? Even children under 8 wouldn’t be amused by this bland compilation.b7_1

Out of all of the annoying My Scene movies, I have the most problem with this one. With the other two, you could at least argue that they were making a case for female friendships and relying on each other in difficult times, but with this one, they turn friendship into a game of what you can get from another person. Not only that, but the girls have no understanding for Madison and can’t see around their own hurt feelings that she might be having a difficult time with her new found fame. It’s only when Lindsay friend shames them that they realize, oh yeah, we’re supposed to be friends.

The movie itself is just another attempt to turn young women into mindless shopping machines that can’t see anything more important than their lip gloss and their jean size. The My Scene girls never do anything to improve their minds. All of their activities and exploits revolve around things they can do to and put on their bodies. Where are their interests? Where are their hobbies? Where is any kind of activity that has more substance than clothing and makeup?

There would be nothing wrong with having some female characters who like to shoe shop and paint their nails, provided that there are other characters who enjoy different things so the interests are balanced out. But there aren’t. All of the girls like the same things and they all like things that girls are supposed to like and spend a lot of time on. Girls don’t come in one-size fits all labels. Girls need role models who will provide them with examples of the depth, complexity, and variety that all women have.

Side note: thanks to most of my Facebook friends who got involved in a discussion about whether or not the title could be an actual coffee order. I learned just how complicated coffee is and I’m still never going to drink the stuff.

To read all of the reviews of the My Scene movies, click here. If you dare.