Cover letters

jobAs most people know, I’ve been unsuccessfully searching for a job since I left college. I’ve worked a few entry-level positions here and there, since I graduated, but nothing career-wise and nothing that I could tolerate staying at for any longer than I already had. By now I’ve applied at just about every place under the sun and have been turned down by just as many companies. McDonald’s won’t hire me. Neither will Target or Babies R Us or Subway or Michaels. Whether it’s my college degree, my previous experience, my lack of criminal convictions or my ability to spell things correctly on my resume, no one seems interested in hiring me.

At this point, I’m sick of the entire application process. Most entry-level jobs require you to fill out a massive online application that can sometimes take more than an hour to complete. They want you to submit a resume, but they also want you to enter every single bit of information on your resume separately, plus take a personality test, do math problems, and a variety of other tasks. I was recently slogging through yet another one of these huge applications when I came across something rather odd.

The job was stocking supplies at a local mental hospital. It would be working in a warehouse, putting boxes onto shelves. They wanted me to fill out every single bit of information about myself that there possible was and then they wanted a cover letter. A cover letter. For an entry-level stocking job. A job that requires neither writing ability nor high-level reading skills. I thought it was a pointless effort done to make applicants jump through meaningless hoops, but I sat down anyway and wrote a cover letter. Here is my first draft.

To whom it may concern,

I am applying for the position of warehouse stocker – level 1. I have thoroughly read over all four qualifications for this position and find myself in excess of them. I am in fact, over ten years over 18 years old. I not only have a high school diploma, but I have a bachelor’s degree and have been accepted to study at the master’s level. I have not only have 6 months of experience in a stocking job, I have several years in a variety of environments and positions. I can not only lift 50 pounds, I can carry it, throw it, twirl around with it.

Moreover, this job is in fact my dream position. So many nights I laid away in college, thinking of the future and imagining myself having a job as wonderful as this one. Putting things into boxes, taking things out of boxes, moving boxes from place to place. It’s the stuff of dreams! This is why, when there is an entire world of job openings that no one wants me for, I have decided to apply for this one.

I hope that you will take the obligatory ten seconds to look over the application that I spent over an hour filling out on your little computer system and decide that I’m not right for the position because I have a bachelor’s degree. It is my fondest hope that you see the little joke I put in about my time at Fort Pickett where I listed my job duties as “running, screaming and avoiding getting shot”. It would make me so happy to know that someone actually read even a part of my resume before deleting it and moving onto hire a teenager with no experience, qualifications or education.

In conclusion, I hope that this cover letter has encouraged you to hire me and not the uneducated teenager that you seem so fond of employing instead of me. Although it’s not on your fault. You have been taught to think that there are so many job opportunities out there for college graduates that anyone who applies for a job that they’re overqualified for is just biding time until they find something that they’re better suited for and will pay them more money. But allow me to tell you that times have changed.

There are no jobs out there for me. And I should know. I’ve applied to thousands of positions for writers and have been turned down for all of them. If you want to be a writer, no one ever requires that you have a degree. All anyone wants is experience, which means that someone has to pay you to write things. While I have plenty of experience in writing, I’ve made exactly $50 off of my years and years and years and years of experience. No one cares about my degree and no one will give me the opportunity to gain the experience that I need in order to get a job. It’s a catch 22.

My best hope of working at all is entry-level things. As you can imagine, an English degree didn’t exactly prepare me for the job market. I don’t want to teach public school and without another two years of education, I couldn’t do that anyway. So for me, this is where I am. It’s at a point now where I don’t even know what I would do differently if I could do things different. I want to write. I need to write. I write without any hope of repayment or success from it. Yet nothing I have done so far has convinced anyone to employ me as a writer.

So please hire me for this position as a warehouse stacker. If I find a job in my field that is so amazing I leave this job for it, I will personally bake you a tray of brownies every Friday for the rest of your life. It seems I should start banking on growing another limb before I consider finding employment in a world where print media is dead and people use blogspot articles as reputable proof of scientific findings.

Sincerely,

Star

Naturally, I didn’t send this in. I sent in a real cover letter talking about my excitement for the job and my abilities to perform it well. I got an email about two months after I had applied saying that I had not been selected for an interview.