Bratz: Fashion Pixiez: When you can’t spell shit without extra Zs, Part 3

Fashion-PixiezDid you miss part 1 or part 2? Catch up before you read this one.

After the flashback, Breeana says that the storm let up (obviously, otherwise it would still be going on), but their mother was gone. Sasha and Jade again asks what’s going on and Breeana finally relents and tells them. She says that they have to keep it a secret and adds that her dad has a thing about them mixing too much with people from the “outside”. While this all sounds very anti-Semitic, the viewer already knows that Breeana is a pixie.

It doesn’t make any sense that the dad doesn’t want them mixing with non-fairy folk, as the gnome put it, when they’re living as humans and going to a human high school. If he wanted his pixie daughters to only mix with pixies, then why not let them live in the pixie world in the forest and party irresponsibly all day? They’re fucking pixies! It’s not like they need real-world jobs and a 401K.

But let’s get back to the movie. Breeana takes the girls back tot he mall and explains that her world can choose to reveal itself, but with the special “fairy glasses” that she gives them, they can choose. The glasses could have just been regular eye glasses that allow them to see the pixie world, but this is Bratz and everything has to be over-the-top girly so little girls learn their place as frilly pink creatures with a love of shopping.

So Sasha and Jade put on the ridiculous fairy glasses and BAM! Everyone is a fucking pixie. There’s pixies walking among us, waiting in line at the ATM, shopping and doing other mundane tasks. As they look around and see all of these pixies a song plays with lyrics about looking closer and really seeing things. Even though the song doesn’t explicitly mention the use pixie glasses.

The three girls sit down at the local juice bar and start talking about pixies, of course. Sasha asks why they have to stay hidden at all. Why not just live out in the open with non-pixie folk? The discussion goes a little something like this:

Breeana: We need to be left alone to help people and nature. That’s what pixies are supposed to do. My dad is the King of the Pixies. He oversees the running of nature and promotes good works.
Jade: Like the Magnolia Ball.
Breeana: Exactly.

If Melvino oversees the running of nature then is he responsible for the weather and other natural happenings? Are earthquakes, volcanoes and flash floods all evidence of pissed off pixies? We might never know. Beyond this, there’s no real explanation of what Melvino does or what the hell any of that means.

But none of that bothers the Bratz. They ask if that means that Cloe and Yasmin really saw Cymbeline sprout wings and Breeana explains that they did. Pixies earn their wings when they hit 18, but they have to do good works. Cymbeline asked for her wings early, but her father refused. Now she’s unsure of where she got she wings from, but she’s sure it has to do with Lina, the other Bratz getting kidnapped and all of the additional strange happenings that have been going on.

The three girls figure that they need to get to the party that’s going on to get to the bottom of it. They realize that Yasmin and Cloe aren’t actually pixies and as such, can’t fly, so they decide to follow them to the party. Sasha points out that the Magnolia Ball is that night, starting at the same time as the party, but Jade announces that this is more important because their friends are in need.

Back at the Devlin estate, Breeana is trying to sneak out of the house to meet Sasha and Jade when Cymbeline catches her. She asks if Breeana is coming to the party with her and Breeana reminds her that it’s the night of the Magnolia Ball. Cymbeline doesn’t care though. Breeana meekly says that she needs to get a warm sweater, then she can leave with her to go to the party. Cymbeline, because I guess she really isn’t that smart, falls for it.

Meanwhile, Jade and Sasha are waiting outside of the gates in their car. They are worried that they’ve waited too long and they’ve missed their chance to tail Cloe and Yasmin when Breeana finally shows up. She has no warm sweater with her either. They drive off and as they’re driving, they look up to see red streaks through the sky. Breeana says that she has a feeling where they’re going.

Anyone who doesn’t think that they’re going to be going back to the woods, put your hand up. Yeah, I didn’t think so. The girls end up back in the fucking woods. Just as Breeana begins with doubt that the pixies are in the only goddamn place that they’ve seen them thus far, the girls see someone following them and they duck into the woods. Then they hear music and they go to investigate. It’s then revealed that it’s the gnome that’s watching them. Because I guess gnomes have nothing better to do than trail after teenage girls.51xzGmCwFXL

Anyway, the girls discover a “pixie lair” as Breeana calls it. The freshman takes out a glowing staff and it lights up. She tells the two Bratz that it will only harm dark pixies. It will give the girls pixie-vision so they can see everything that she can. The girls travel down a dark tunnel and emerge in an underground cavern where there’s a huge pixie rave going on.

Pixies of all kinds and types are dancing to the music and seeming to have a very good time. Breeana calls it a pixie circle and tells the girls that if they join in the dancing, they will become entranced and turn into a servant of the dark pixies, like Dylan, Yasmin and Cloe have already become. Who knew pixies were this complicated and had so many rules? Not me.

Anyway, a boy howls like a wolf for no apparent reason and then the girls spot Cymbeline and realize that she’s under the evil pixie spell! Just in case that wasn’t obvious to anyone. Breeana gets freaked out and asks Sasha and Jade to leave, stating that they’re already in danger. But the Bratz are determined to help their friends. Because we all know how goddamn important friendship is. They head down to the dance floor and Breeana reminds them not to dance.

Just then, Lina stops the music to make an announcement. She tells her pixie crew that she is going to finish the job that she started 10 years ago. She doesn’t elaborate on her plan anymore than to say that now the earth is going to serve the pixies. Lina informs them she will soon have Breeana corrupted too and then the pixie king will be at her mercy.

Just then, Breeana starts to feel woozy. Sasha and Jade realize that she’s in trouble and try to get her out of the pixie circle. But they run into Yasmin and Cloe on their way out. Sasha tells her friends to snap out of it, but they aren’t interested in listening to her. Probably because they’ve both been corrupted by dark pixie magic and the girls should know better than to try to just talk them out of it. But whatever.

Breeana instructs Jade and Sasha to hold hands and form a circle around the other two Bratz. I was waiting for a chorus of Kumbaya to start, but it never did. Anyway, the group encircles the girls with glowing yellow light. But just as they seem to be getting somewhere, Cloe and Yasmin start to trash talk their would-be saviors.

They tell the other Bratz that they’ve never liked them and they’re not cool enough to hang out with them and their makeup is terrible. Okay, so not the last one. But anyway, Yasmin tricks Jade into letting go of the other’s hands and breaking the circle.

Cloe and Yasmin grab one of Breeana’s arms, then Sasha and Jade grab the other and girls have a tug of war over the teenager. Suddenly, a red light comes on and freezes her in place. Lina floats down from the sky and greets Breeana, promising her her wings if she wants them. Cymbeline approaches and tells her little sister that she’ll be able to fly with her if she agrees.

Breeana looks like she’s considering it for a second, then she gets the scepter she used earlier out of her sleeve and shoots some pixie magic or whatever the fuck it is, into the disco ball. All of the pixies scream and Lina says that she can’t see. Breeana informs the girls that it’s only pixie dust that hurts dark pixies. Phew! That was a relief!

The girls grab the scepter and run. Lina regains enough of her senses to shoot red lightening bolts at the girls and seal the exit. This causes the three young women to tumble back down the tunnel to the pixie’s lair.

Pixie_yasminMeanwhile, at the Magnolia Ball, Melvino is apologizing for the girls being late. A woman tells him that he’s up and he stands in front of the microphone to address the small crowd. But before he can get a word in, dark clouds roll in from nowhere dark pixies start flying through the sky.

For some reason, the crowd of regular human people can now see the dark pixies. The teenage pixies cause havoc and a boy pixie takes over the DJ stand and puts his own music on. Everyone starts dancing and the pixie circle continues.

Just then, Lina swoops in and lands on the stage. Melvino and Lina exchange words and he transforms into the King of the Pixies. This outfit is only slightly more ridiculous than his regular get up. Then Lina calls over Cymbeline to show her father her new wings. Melvino is outraged. Lina adds insult to injury by telling him that Cymbeline has abandoned him and that has weakened his power.

Lina adds that Breeana won’t be “surfacing” anytime soon. Which I only hoped meant that she died. But sadly, she’s in the next scene. After she says that, Cymbeline’s dragon fly family bracelet starts vibrating.

Back at the cave, Breeana, Sasha and Jade are still trapped. Sasha checks her phone and finds that she has no signal. Because being trapped underground, they still had to check their cell service. They wonder what they’re going to do next when they hear someone or something digging through the rubble.

It’s none other than the lawn gnome, who we find out is named Alfie. He throws down a rope to the girls and hauls them out of the cave. Although the Bratz probably weigh right around 100 lbs each, that’s still 100 lbs and it seems like a lot for a lawn gnome that barely reaches their calves to lifts. Maybe he uses some pixie magic or something.

Anyway, once they’re out of the cave, the gnome yells at the two Bratz for calling him a “creepy lawn gnome”. Which seems totally fair for what supposed to be an inanimate object that’s been stalking them for most of the movie. But never mind. The girls are then surrounded by various lawn gnomes.

This leaves me to wonder why the story didn’t then explore the history and culture of the proud gnome people. But we all know the answer to that. Gnomes aren’t pretty or feminine enough for a Bratz movie to revolve around them, so that’s simply out of the question.

Alfie fills the gnomes in on the other teenagers being taken away and Jade figures that they’ve gone to the Magnolia Ball. Breeana is worried about how they’re going to get there on time and just when the Bratz’s car doesn’t seem fast enough, winged, pixie, unicorns fly down from the sky.

Breeana calls one Dempsey and fawns over it for a second. Soon the girls saddle up with the gnomes riding on the back of the horses. The two Bratz and Breeana fly off into the night.4116czm3kWL

While this seems like a convenient way to fix a problem and possibly just lazy story writing, this is actually more than that. The horses depicted here were also sold in this line of dolls. They have no real reason for being in the movie and certainly aren’t integral to the plot, but in order to make sure that the little girls know these animals are part of the line and available for sale, they put them in this brief scene.

Back at the Magnolia Ball, Melvino demands to know what Lina wants. Instead of revealing her dastardly plan she tells him, “Girls just wanna have fun.” As if that explains anything. She then says that she wants him out of the way and she wants the pixie kingdom for herself. So she can… do stuff… and things…. with it… I honestly don’t know, she doesn’t explain.

Anyway, Lina then tells him that he can’t stand in her way anymore than his wife could. While you’d think that such an insult might earn her a pixie bitch slap, Melvino doesn’t move. It’s flashback time!

Lina reveals that ten years ago she came to Dee, who was fighting her way through the blizzard after leaving her daughters. Lina, who looks the exact same as she does now for no explained reason, comes to Dee and tells her that after Melvino banished her she knew he had to go, along with his family, and starting with the her. Lina shoots Dee with her evil pixie magic and Dee fires back with her good pixie magic. There is an explosion and Lina is tossed aside into the snow. When she looks up, Dee has been transformed into a magnolia tree.

A fade back to present day to reveal that Dee wasn’t just changed into any magnolia tree. She’s been imprisoned in the very one that they’ve been holding the ball around this entire time! Which makes you wonder if Melvino knew that Dee was trapped in there, being all attuned to nature and shit or if he was just seemingly oblivious to the entire thing and it’s just a coincidence that he was throwing a ball at the very tree that his wife was captured in.

bratz-breeana-the-movie-bratfashion-pixiez-1Lina tells Melvino that turning Dee into a tree took all of her magical powers and due to her exhaustion, she spent the next 10 years rebuilding her strength. Seems a highly inefficient way of dealing with your enemies, but I’m not even going to broach pixie logic. Melvino has listened to enough of Lina’s crap however.

He hits Cymbeline with his good pixie magic and makes her wings disappear. She runs into his arms and, forgetting that she put the entire family is grave peril, he is all excited to see her. Then with one wave of his pixie wand he restores everyone to their senses. Dylan, Cloe, Yasmin, and the rest of their new pixie friends are back to normal and all look around, wondering how they got there.

Not taking even a second, Melvino fires his good magic at Lina. She fires back with her evil magic and apparently curing everyone has weakened him and he loses this round. He tries again and again fails. Lina taunts him for using up all of his power healing the teenagers. She then knocks him off of the stage and Cymbeline runs to attend to her father, who is suddenly important to her again.

Lina knocks Cymbeline off of the stage and sends her crashing into the magnolia tree AKA her mother. Yasmin and Cloe goes to check on Cymbeline as Melvino gets up. He calls Lina a conniving witch, to which she casually responds, “Yeah, that’s me.” Then she tells him that it’s time for him to join his wife before hitting him with more evil pixie magic.

Just then, Jade, Sasha and Breeana come riding down from the sky on their unicorn, pixie Pegasuses with the garden gnomes. I’m sure Melvino breathes a sigh of relief now that the entire fashion-obsessed, friendship mongering foursome is back together. Anyway, evil pixies who weren’t turned back into normal kids, who I guess are just evil pixies, try to grab Jade, but her horse kicks him. The horses deal with more of the oncoming pixies in a way that makes them far more useful than any of the Bratz for the entire movie.

The girls then run to Cloe who Yasmin who are kneeling next to Cymbeline’s prone body. Sasha then checks to make sure that the girls are back to normal. She tells Cloe that she failed the her chemistry class.

Cloe freaks out and goes on one of her long-winded rants about how she now won’t be valedictorian, she won’t get into college, she won’t get into medical school and so on. Which I wouldn’t really worry about anyway. Seeing as the most interest she’s ever expressed in anything is shoes, being a doctor is really out of the question anyway. As Cloe is moaning about how she’ll have to work fast food, Jade decides that she’s definitely back to normal.

Meanwhile, Lina is still kicking Melvino’s ass. The evil pixie leader manages to turn him into a tree as well, although his tree is not nearly as impressive and the magic throws her backwards. She says, “At least, it is done,” before she collapses.

Just then, a magnolia leaf falls onto Cymbeline’s forehead. She wakes up saying, “Mom.” Sasha doesn’t understand the whole being turned-into-a-tree thing. As if that’s somehow weird or strange for someone to have happen to them and Breeana tells her that there’s a counter spell. She, Cymbeline, and the Bratz form a circle around the tree, holding hands and chanting, “Be Brave. Hold onto each other. Never let go and you’ll be safe.”

They continue to chant and lanterns pop, lights go out, the tree starts to glow and other strange things happen. Lina yells at her dark pixies to stop them, but they all crash into a gold, shimmery barrier that has formed around the girls and the tree. Strangely, after the first few pixies see that they can’t get to the tree, the others aren’t deterred and they all continue to dive bomb the girls, only to smack into the forcefield.

Breeana tells them to keep holding hands and says, “The bond of family and friendship is stronger than Lina’s power.” The tree eventually crystallizes and catches on fire. They all continue chanting. Which by now, sounds more than a little creepy. But the shit works.

Bam! The spell is broken and Dee is back. Only now, she’s dressed like the other teenagers and looks more like Cloe than a teenager’s mother. The girls hug their mother and they all look at their now completed charm bracelets. The dark pixies then start laughing at them.

But Dee restores Melvino to human form and she hugs her husband. Then there’s a family hug. Then the Bratz congratulate themselves even though the battle is far from over. Lina grabs her staff and hauls herself to her feet. Even though turning Dee into a tree caused Lina to lose her powers for ten years, turning Melvino into a tree seems to have been a lot less taxing.

Lina tells the family that she hates group hugs. Maybe because she didn’t get enough as a child. Who knows? She continues, telling Melvino that without his obnoxious family, he’d be nothing. But before Melvino can try another attack with Dee’s help, the Bratz rush Lina from behind.

Sasha does awkward looking flips and Jade karate kicks her. Because it’s logical that a super powerful pixie would be vulnerable to karate kicks from girls in huge wedge shoes. Must be part of pixie lore. Anyway, Lina drops her staff and Melvino uses the fact that she’s disarmed to zap her with his magic. She turns into a raven, then finally a tree.1173996044_2

After her transformation is finished, a dog comes up out of nowhere and urinates on it. Because it’s not enough to just beat an enemy, you have to pee on them too. Whatever. Melvino thanks the Bratz for helping them and doesn’t mention anything about pressing charges for trespassing.

He tells the girls that, unfortunately, he has to remove their pixie sight forever. He does and Dee goes back to looking like the white-haired mom that she was introduced as. Melvino then casts a super convenient spell of forgetfulness and the DJ starts playing music like none of this weird shit happened.

Then there’s fireworks! Dylan comes over to the girls. He says his thighs burn like hes been, “strapped in a vicious dance machine.” Breeana then turns around and despite the fact that Dylan couldn’t have cared less about her earlier in the movie, Dylan is suddenly entranced. He tells her that he could possibly manage another dance.

Cloe then asks why she and Yasmin are wearing wings and Jade just tells them that they missed a lot. Sasha says that she’ll explain everything. Which makes me think that Melvino’s spell of forgetfulness wasn’t all that effective if half of the Bratz still remember what happened.

Sasha then pulls out the pixie-sight glasses that Breeana gave them earlier in the movie and walks around. She trips over Alfie for the 1,000th time in this fucking movie and she apologizes to him after calling him a “Creepy lawn gnome” once more. Everyone laughs and dances and the movie ends without a single person pointing out that the gigantic fucking magnolia tree that was in the middle of the Ball is suddenly gone.

And that ends the movie. Fuck, that was a long one. And so ridiculous. The usual problems of body image and individuality and the presentation of femininity are all still there, but my main concern with this movie is the outrageously bizarre pixie bullshit. They don’t give a thought to actual world building and constructing rules and a social order for pixies, all of that shit is just thrown in and stirred in a way it sounds like the script writer was just making it up as he went along.

The place of gnomes in all of this nonsense is never explained at all. The gnomes are just there and no one wants an explanation for how they walk and talk and do all of this shit they do in the movie. But no one cares. Gnomes are pretty and they don’t have fairy wings, so why should we bother with them? And of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t reiterate my annoyance at what looks like a last minute inclusion of the horses that conveniently came with the doll line.

Naturally, no one explained them either. Little girls are just supposed to watch this bullshit, not ask any questions and not want an explanation as to why this ridiculous series does all of this crap with no sense of responsibility to the consumer to put out a quality product. Of course, all of the questions about pixies are irrelevant outside of this film. The pixies never show up again and no one ever mentions them. So much for that. Next!

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