Bratz Rock Angelz: Committing Fraud… in Style, part 1

Rock-Angelz-bratz-2667862-350-234This is a multi-part review of the movie, Bratz Rock Angelz. To read all sections of this review, click here.

Bratz Rock Angelz is the foursome’s second movie and first foray into terrible CGI animation. In this movie the girls manage to start a rock band and a fashion magazine all while committing fraud and creating shallow relationships with boys. Sound like a lot for one movie. It is. But that doesn’t stop the Bratz.

The film starts out with a hand reaching out to turn on a car radio. The device starts broadcasting a mid-temp pop song. The girls dance around to the unimaginative song and clean the red convertible that houses the radio.

The car also features full-sized steer horns on the front of it. A strange choice considering that the Bratz are all preachy vegetarians. But anyway, as the girls clean the car, the first thing that you notice that their hair is so shiny it’s almost blinding.

Sasha, the African-American character, has blonde, straight, white-girl hair, and Cloe, the blonde of the group, is so blonde that her hair is almost white. I’m not sure what it would take for a children’s TV show to actually have a black girl with natural hair, but I’m pretty sure that it’s the planets aligning and asteroids colliding and other signs of the apocalypse.

Anyway, as the girls clean, Sasha announces that the concert is in less than one hour and her car has to look good for it. Why? Is the car in the concert?

Just then, the girls, who are all similarly dressed in black and white, hear their own horrible pop song on the radio and cheer. Their song, which is just as bland and unspectacular as the one that was previously on the radio, is called “So Good” and features heavily throughout the movie.

Suddenly, all of the girls have guitars, because, you know, you can form a band with all guitar players. They jam out to their song and then they call over Roxxi (and yes, that’s how her name is spelled), who is another members of the Bratz and isn’t mentioned in any of the other movies. She jams with the girls as Cloe’s voice over starts.

“Wondering how the girls with the passion for fashion become rock stars?” She asks. “Well, it’s a fascinating story that all started when we were hanging at the mall.” Of course. How else would a story about teenage girls start? They were hanging out at the library? They were in a science lab? They were at Fight Club going over the rules? Hell no! Mall!

At the outdoor Stilesville Mall, Sasha, Jade, and Cloe are sitting around at a table in front of a juice bar. For as many times as that juice bar is featured in Bratz movies, you’d think that they fucking lived there. You’d also think that one of the lazyass writers would have given it a name. Anyway, Cloe is reading her horoscope from a new issue of Your Thing Magazine.

She says that it tells her that she will meet a handsome prince who will carry her off on his horse. Sasha comments that Cloe would never touch a horse. Cloe amends that she would if there was a prince riding on it.

Sasha adds that her horoscope says that she’s a major drama queen. Cloe claims that she isn’t, but then she sneezes and instead of saying, “excuse me” claims that she just had an, “out of the blue, arterial explosion.” The other girls knowingly laugh.

Yasmin picks up the magazine and looks up her horoscope. It says that she’s strong, sensitive and secretive and there’s a scorching guy in her future. Naturally. In the hierarchy of what girls care about, cute boys are right up there with fashion and shopping for fashion.

Just then, a cute boy delivers her smoothie and she smiles at him. Sasha realizes that her horoscopes states that she can’t commit to just one guy and likes music. She agrees with the positive traits, but becomes rather upset when the horoscope labels her as a control freak. Cloe comments, “That’s practically psychic.”

Things like this are one of my secret pet peeves. Okay, maybe not so secret. We all know that I’m a skeptic, but anyone with any rational thoughts and the ability to think critically would soon realize that the date that you’re born on has no bearing on your personality. Not to mention that since the zodiacs were first invented, the planets have moved to the point where the star sign you’re going by now is probably not your original sign.

But let’s examine the actual content of these horoscopes. Everything that they said about the girls is so vague that it could fit a variety of people. So it shouldn’t come surprising that some basic personality traits can be applied to characters as bland and uninteresting as the Bratz.

The real problem that I have with this is that this movie does not exist in a vacuum. This is just one of the many things that encourages the average person to believe that there is something to psychic power. Instead of teaching critical thinking and skepticism and the simple fact that psychic powers have, so far, never held up to scientific testing, it lends credibility to the practice and doesn’t ask any of the very simple questions that would cause the entire system to collapse.

But moving on from that epic rant, Jade runs up and announces that he just got student internship with Your Thing Magazine. Not only that, but she will be working under Burdine Maxwell, the editor in chief of the magazine. She tells her friends that this is the her biggest dream come true.

Enter Kirstee and Kaycee. Two twin girls that are basically identical. The are both shallow, dull and obnoxious. People at school call the pair the Tweevils because they’re twins and they’re evil. Get it?

The only way to tell the two apart is that Kaycee wears a bandage over her nose. This is because she has had three separate nose jobs and, as one Bratz remarks, “Flying objects are just drawn to it.” It’s a little confusing here as to why she got the nose jobs. Having to have her nose reset after trauma is different than getting multiple cosmetic procedures.

But the video that plays when the girls are talking about her nose job shows Kaycee’s nose becoming smaller and smaller after every procedure. There is no further explanation on Kaycee’s nose or what she has been through, but it seems that the only reason for the bandage is to tell the two teenagers apart. Which they could have easily done through some other means.

But no one is going to accuse the Bratz movie creators from overworking themselves. Anyway, after a montage of Kaycee getting hit in the face by a variety of different things, the blonde twins approach the Bratz and call them the “fashion freaks”. Not very creative, but okay.

The girls exchange a few words before they stalk off to go kick puppies and steal candy from small children, most likely. After they leave Yasmin tells Cloe that she spies her Prince Charming. Cameron and Dylan approach. Cloe’s voice over informs the viewer that she thinks of him as the, “Strong and silent type.” Any guess as to what that means is probably better than mine.

Anyway, the boys ride up doing stunts on their skateboard. Dylan fails to execute one properly and his skateboard hits Kaycee in the face. Her smoothie goes flying and lands all over Kirstee. Cloe rushes to the girls to ask if they’re okay and Kirstee just complains that her outfit is trashed. Kaycee is no doubt in so much pain that her body has gone into shock.

Dylan, instead of apologizing like a decent human being, just says that it was an accident. Kirstee calls him a skater boy, as if that’s some kind of insult and drags her sister off. As they leave, Sasha comments, “That’s gotta hurt.”

Even though he’s just maimed a girl, Dylan still wants to try again. He attempts his trick once more, this time in a tiny, enclosed space and completes it perfectly. The girls are impressed. Then Cloe asks if she can try. She gets onto the board in her gigantic wedge heels, which might void her insurance.

Anyway, she does a series of tricks, much to the amazement of the boys. But this isn’t the first time that Cloe has shown aptitude in skateboarding. In the Bratz Babyz movie, she beat Cameron at a skateboarding video game. The movies, strangely, never show Cloe practicing skateboarding or talking about it or even doing it other than her brief interludes where she’s just incredibly good at it.

But this is a common stable with girls’ show. It’s as if the creators realize that their characters are so utterly helpless that they try to make them a little more “cool”. So they give them some kind of superhuman ability to do something un-girly for five seconds and after that, they never have to talk about this hobby or even be seen doing it again.

Moving on, Cameron congratulates Cloe on her awesome new-found ability to be really great at skateboarding without ever practicing it. Cloe responds modestly by saying, “Thanks I’ve got a lot of cool moves… I mean, on a skateboard.” What did she think he thought she meant? She has a lot of cool moves in bed? She has cool moves that can kill a man in 30 seconds?

Cloe uses some weird skating jargon with her friends and the other Bratz laugh along politely. But you can tell, they’re all dead inside. Yasmin informs the guys about Jade’s good news and they have to ask what Your Thing Magazine even is. One of the girls throws the magazine that they were reading their horoscopes from at him.

The next scene takes place in Burdine’s office. She is chewing someone out over the phone as the camera pans around her pink on pink with accents of pink decorated office. I see Burdine as a parody of Barbie. Mattel, the company that makes Barbie found themselves on the end of a lawsuit from MGA Entertainment over the My Scene line that they launched after Bratz stole a chunk of their marketing. So it’s not a stretch to say that there’s bad blood between the two companies. So Burdine, a blonde woman, outfitted in nothing but pink, serves as a a way to mock the famous doll rival.

During her phone conversation, Burdine demands size 11 peony pumps. Why do bad guys always have to have big feet? There is nothing inherently evil about having a large shoe size. There’s nothing embarrassing or odd about having big feet and you can still be a beautiful, feminine woman if your shoe sizes has double digits.

Aside from that, Jade is standing in the office, looking around nervously. She finally introduces herself as the student intern. She says that she is very excited to be there and has lots of ideas for Burdine. She wants to do a column on street trends, a quiz fest and even more.

Burdine immediately informs the Bratz girl that she comes up with the ideas and doesn’t need any input. Jade becomes meek immediately and just when things are getting really awkward, Kaycee and Kirstee arrive. Burdine informs Jade that these are her two other student interns.

Apparently there wasn’t a lot of competition for this student internship. Jade, ever fond of stating the obvious, cuts to a pretend new office where she announces that she’s having a bad day. These little Family Guy-esque cuts are overall, annoying and thankfully don’t appear in any of the other movies.

Burdine tells Jade that she’s going to give her her first assignment and hands her a list which promptly rolls down to her knees. Meanwhile, she gives the Tweevils a post-it note that contains their assignments. Burdine leaves and Kaycee announces that their assignment is a fashion assignment. Big surprise. She asks her sister and Jade to model for her. Jade agrees.

Cut to a modeling montage! Kaycee takes posed photos of Kirstee and waits until Jade is blinking or sneezing to take her photo. After they’re done, both of the blonde twins announce that they’re exhausted. Jade tells them that she has a lot of work to do and asks for their help with her assignments. The Tweevils respond by saying, “NOP”. Which stands for Not Our Problem.

Cue another montage! Jade vacuums the office, she carries papers around, she cleans Burdine’s suits and the Tweevils, already done with their assignment are present to make her life more difficult at every turn. No motive for them. They’re just evil.

In the next scene, both of the twins are sitting at their desks talking shit about Burdine. They comment about how she’s plastic and reminds them of a doll. Another clear dig at Barbie. Burdine enters and they straighten up long enough to look like they had been working.

The Editor in Chief demands to see the their Fashion Dos and Don’ts assignment. Kaycee shows it to her on the computer where Jade is all of the Don’ts and Kirstee is all of the Dos. It seems like a poor way to repay Jade after she helped them out, but the Tweevils are evil after all. No logic in it. No motive. Just evil.

Also, are there any other Your Thing employees? In all of the movies and episodes of the TV show I’ve seen, Burdine and the Tweevils are the only people you ever see working there. This might look suspicious, but if Burdine is able to put an entire magazine together that’s actually decent, using only two brain-dead teenage girls, I think she should get a fucking Nobel prize.

Anyway, after this, Jade is standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror, filled with self-doubt. She saying to herself, “Maybe I’m not that hot.” No wait, I’m getting off track. Jade tells herself, “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m just one big fashion don’t.”

Come on, now Jade. Where’s the Bratz determination that borders on delusion? Where’s your passion for fashion and all of that bullshit? One rude woman with a severe hairstyle doesn’t like you and you’re destroyed?

Jade calls Cloe to vent. She tells her friends that the job is terrible. Burdine is mean to her and she has to work with the Tweevils. Cloe tells her to hang in there. Working at a fashion magazine is her dream, after all. With those simple words, Jade has perked right back up and has become reinvigorated with her passion for everything superficial.

After she hangs up with Cloe, the Tweevils exit the bathroom stalls that they were sitting in. Jade realizes that she’s just talked smack about them while they were in earshot and the twins mock Jade for complaining about the job and Burdine. Jade runs out of the bathroom in embarrassment.

In the next scene, Jade enters Burdine’s office and her boss is slipping into her new shoes. Presumably the size 11 peony pumps. When she sees Jade, Burdine asks her about the mail. Jade said that she got a lot of invitations to hot new events. Burdine declares that it’s all junk, tosses it on the floor, and tells Jade to throw it out.

Jade bends down to pick up the discarded mail and Burdine tells the Bratz girl that she wants her old shoes polished while she wears her new pumps. Then she demands her lunch. Jade walks off and the phone rings. Burdine picks it up to find that sales of Your Thing Magazine have dropped and she screams in her usual histrionic outrage.

Jade asks the Tweevils what Burdine likes for lunch. The girls, whom Jade should know better than to trust, smile and say that they’ll call in the order as long as Jade picks it up. Jade, thinking that that’s a totally legit deal, agrees.

After she walks away, the Tweevils pinky swear and twirl in spotlights that have magically appeared. Or something. I don’t know. It’s one of those weird cut-away scenes.

Jade returns, presumably sometime later, and sets Burdine’s lunch in front of her. It’s a cheeseburger. Burdine throws it off of her desk in outrage. She screams, “CARBS?! What are you trying to do? Kill me? Make me fat? I only eat greens!” Because being fat would be a fate worse than death to a fashion magazine editor, am I right?

Anyway, Burdine continues to rant and she fires Jade. The Your Thing head tells the teenager that she will never work at any fashion magazine again. She goes on to say that she’s fired for life and not only that, her children and grandchildren are fired. Jade laments, “My life is so over.”

That afternoon, Jade is back at the juice bar with the other Bratz. Those girls must go through frequent customer punch cards every week. Anyway, Jade bewails her morning saying, “All of my hopes and dreams destroyed in three hours.” I would say welcome to adulthood, but Jade’s friends are here to comfort her with some of their particular brand of delusions.

Cloe tells her, “You have way too much talent not to make it.” Yasmin adds that Burdine is clueless. The kind words perk up easily-satisfied Jade right away. Then Sasha says that it’s time for some serious cheering up. The girls all shout, “SHOPPING!” and high five.

What follows next is a tedious montage of the girls shopping while the song It’s a Girl Thing plays in the background. Do I even need to say anything at this point? Do I really need to mention how the Bratz treat shopping like a sport, a cure, a hobby, a relief from boredom, and an adventure all at the same time? I don’t? Good.

Moving on, after the shopping trip, Jade thanks all of her friends and they all gush about what awesome BFFs they are. As usual. Then Sasha spots the Tweevils and warns the other girls. But it’s too late!

The Tweevils ask Jade what she’s going to do now that her career in fashion is over. Which is pretty dramatic to think that your career is over as a teenager just because of one woman. But Sasha tells the girls that her career isn’t over, it’s just beginning. Kirstee and Kaycee ask if she’s going to be a fast food delivery girl and then walk away laughing. Kaycee runs into a pole.

A few minutes later, the girls at back at the same goddamn juice bar, flipping through a copy of Your Thing. The magazine that they were so thoroughly enjoying the previous day is now branded “yesterday” and “lame-o”. Yasmin then suggests that they should open their own magazine. All of the girls are quick to agree.

Cloe says that she can write an advice column and says, “Dear Cloe, fashion emergency!” Yasmin wants to write about trends. Sasha jumps on the bar and announces that she can be the editor. The girls all say, “Bunny Boo”, Sasha’s nickname, in exasperated tones. Sasha amends that to just being the music editor.

Jade adds that she will be the a cutting-edge lifestyle editor. Then all four of the Bratz scream, “Let’s start our own teen magazine!” and jump up and down, celebrating. If a normal group of teenagers did this, they would start a digital magazine that they made themselves and looks as professional as the Bratz CGI animation.

But this is the Bratz. So they do nothing of the sort. Sasha procures an office for the girls and they drive to it. Jade realizes in horror that it’s the same office building that Burdine works out of. They get into the elevator and Burdine gets on but doesn’t even notice Jade or the other Bratz.

Will Burdine see Jade and her friends? When will they commit fraud? Will their magazine be a success? Tune in next time to find out.

Want to read all Bratz movie reviews? Of course you do. Click here.

3 thoughts on “Bratz Rock Angelz: Committing Fraud… in Style, part 1

Comments are closed.