Bratz Rock Angelz: Committing Fraud… in Style, Part 4

kinopoisk.ruThis is a multi-part review of the movie, Bratz Rock Angelz. To read all sections of this review, click here.

Back at the hotel, the Tweevils are going through the Bratz’s walk-in closet. Kaycee picks up the jacket that the tickets are hidden in and shows it to her sister, saying that it’s really cute. Kirstee knocks the jacket out of her hands and announces that it has Bratz cooties on it. Because they’re apparently six years old again.

When the jacket hits the floor, the tickets fall out of the pocket. Conveniently. The Tweevils grab the tickets and seconds later, hear some of the Bratz returning from their day of dancing in the park and skateboarding on the grass. The twins hide in the bedroom.

Just then, Dylan and Yasmin walk in. Dylan says that he needs to somewhere to hang out while his room is being cleaned. Yasmin tells him that he has to be quiet so that she can think up interview questions for Byron. Dylan asks her when the concert starts as he is going to need some, “major mirror time” to prepare for it. Yasmin goes to check on the starting time while Dylan sets the vibrating chair upright. Yasmin bursts back into the room saying that the tickets are gone.

Back at the park, Sasha is talking to Cloe about how going to this concert will be a dream come true. Cloe tells her that it will put Bratz magazine on the map. As if four self-obsessed high school students could put together a real magazine and get it into circulation like it’s a student newspaper.

In the hotel room, Yasmin is frantically searching for the missing tickets. It seems that a hotel this nice would have a safe in it. A safe where she could have locked up the tickets and not worried about losing them. But that’s beside the point. Rushing into the living room she implores her friend, “Think for me, Dylan!” Even though Dylan can barely think for himself, let alone anyone else.

Dylan, in his infinite wisdom, suggests that they wait for the other girls to get back and ask them what to do. Yasmin refuses and continues to freak out. Meanwhile, there is a shot showing the Tweevils hiding under the beds. Yasmin tells Dylan that she’ll find Byron and ask him to let them in. She swears Dylan to secrecy and he promises, “They’ll have to hang me from my thumbs and force me to wear generic shampoo.”

While I would normally be delighted to see young men who aren’t macho, brainless stereotypes who wear dirty clothes and don’t know what mousse it. It seems that progress has taken a step backwards here. Dylan is just as vain and self-possessed as the girls. It’s not like he’s a better, more well-rounded, more interesting character. He’s just as shallow and tedious as the Bratz. Regardless, Yasmin leaves to go find Byron and Dylan turns the stereo on. He rocks out as the Tweevils watch in disgust. When the young man jumps on the bed, he inadvertently crushes the girls and causes Kaycee’s bandage to fall off of her nose.

Outside on the street, Yasmin is running to get to Byron. She goes back to Pinz and pleads with the bouncer to talk to him. But the bouncer refuses. It makes me wonder why she would think that he would still be at Pinz. It’s not a hotel. He wasn’t staying there. Yasmin promptly announces that her life is over.

Back at the hotel, Dylan is still jumping on the bed. Because he’s apparently doesn’t know what they’re for. He poses in front of a mirror and checks himself out while the Tweevils get up and try to sneak out of the room. They are dressed in maid’s uniforms and Dylan, who has gone to school with these girls for years, supposedly, doesn’t even recognize them.

He throws a bag of dirty laundry at the twins and asks them to wash it. The blonde sisters run out of the room in disgust, but Dylan doesn’t notice that either. In the living room, the rest of the Bratz girls are talking about going to the concert early.

They enter the bedroom and ask Dylan where Yasmin is. Dylan tells the girls that she had to go out and tells them that Yasmin went bowling. The Bratz don’t believe him. They ask Dylan what he’s hiding. The boy nervously tells them nothing and tries to change the subject, asking if they’ve read any good books lately. He doesn’t stop to remind them that teen magazines don’t count as books.

The girls then tickle him until he talks. He confesses that Yasmin lost the concert tickets and she went to Pinz to try to get new ones. The Bratz all look at each other in horror and say that they’ve got to get into that concert. The entire magazine depends on it! Sasha gets upset at Yasmin for losing the tickets, but Cloe tells her that they should hear Yasmin’s side of the story before they get mad at her. Sasha says that she’s right. But really, you can always get mad at Yasmin.

Back in Burdine’s room, the Editor in Chief is on the phone with presumably the front desk. She is demanding pink linen sheets. The Tweevils enter with the tickets. Kaycee runs to the bathroom to attend to her nose. Kirstee comments about, “you and your bad nose jobs.”

Burdine then takes the tickets and goes on a rant about how Bratz Magazine will be left in the dust and never succeed. Although, honestly, how much is she worried about four personality-less teenagers with no real world experience? Anyway, Burdine tells the twins that they’re going to turn her into a hipster for the concert. They gasp.

Meanwhile, in the Bratz’s suite the girls are turning the place upside down looking for the tickets. Yasmin enters and realizes that Dylan is completely useless. He explains that they tickled it out of him. Cloe asks her friend why she didn’t just tell them and Yasmin confesses that she was afraid to let the magazine down.

Cloe tells Pretty Princess that their friendship is more important. Yasmin responds, “Really?” As if she didn’t know. It’s not like the girls don’t launch into friendship speeches more than sidekicks on a Yu-Gi-Oh show. The rest of the Bratz gather round to assure Yasmin of their unending bond.

In Burdine’s room, the Tweevils have finished making Burdine over. She is now wearing a midriff top, long shorts, a snorkel and goggles. It seems strange that the editor of a fashion magazine could be completely out of touch with what’s going on in fashion. Would it be her job to know something like that? But anyway, the twins tell Burdine that, “It’s Honolulu you.” Whatever that means.

Back in the Bratz room, Yasmin tells her friends that that the venue specifically said that they only allow bands in. Just then, Sasha sees Kaycee’s bandage on the bottom of her shoe and asks her about it. Yasmin examines the strip and the girls realize what it is. Yasmin comments that it has blackheads on it as well. Because only villains get blackheads. Acne happens to bad people. Got it.

The Bratz recognize the painfully obvious, it was the Tweevils! Cloe promptly freaks out. Which, I shouldn’t be too hard on her for, because it had been more than an hour since her last spaz attack. But the blonde Bratz says that they should all just give up, go home and forget about all of their dreams.

Sasha, however, has other plans. She says that nothing will stop them. Jade inquires about the decision to only let bands into the venue and then girls huddle up to decide… they’re going to become a rock band! Of course.

Being a rock band is easy. You just pick out your clothes and pose with guitars. Right? I mean, right?

In the next scene, the girls are sitting around the living room. Sasha informs them that they have four hours to put together a song and convince the bouncers that they’re the “real thing”. Sasha adds that her horoscope predicted that she will make it happen. Because we’re all still talking about that.

Sasha says that she will work on the dance moves, Jade will style them, Cloe and Yasmin will write the song, Cameron will be their roadie and Dylan will take photos. The newly branded photographer asks what they’re going to call themselves. Sasha suggests… Guess. Just guess what she suggests.

Give up? Sasha’s Angels. Seriously. Yasmin goes through her thought process, angels, rock, what about Rock Angels? But that doesn’t have enough attitude. So what about Bratz Rock Angelz? The girls all agree that pluralizing things with Zs is just so much fun. So it’s decided. The group is named Bratz Rock Angelz. Did anyone notice that the band’s initials spell bra?

What happened next? A montage, of course! The girls travel on the tube, they go to a mall and guess what; more shopping! Because girls can’t possibly shop enough. There is no saturation point for materialism in the Bratz culture. Every problem, dilemma or bad day can be fixed with shopping.

Anyway, the girls wear more leather items, which I still find hilarious. In an episode of the Bratz TV show, Cloe refused to go out with any guy who wasn’t a vegetarian. In the live action movie, they all staunchly refused to wear fur for ethical reasons. But leather? No problem! Maybe they just don’t realize that leather is made from cows. Maybe they think it’s a plant or something. Who knows?

The girls walk down a street and steal some flowers from a small flower shop, throwing them up in their the air. The girls jam on their imaginary guitars. But the fantasy fades and they realize that they need real ones. Cloe freaks out. Again.

It’s amazing to think that the writers for this platform think that they can craft an entire personality out for this character by having everything send her into a conniption fit. The first ten times that she freaked out over nothing might have been cute, but after a while, it wears on you. A lot. Also, there’s no coincidence that Cloe is white. Her role as the white girl in the group is just as stereotypical and degrading and Sasha always talking about “jammin'” tunes and loving the “hip hop thang.”

But her spaz attack was for nothing, the boys have gotten them all new-looking guitars from a flea market! Because we all know what high-quality equipment you can buy from random people for cash. The girls plug into a conveniently placed amp and start jamming. Dylan announces that they rock!

The girls are mentioned to be in a band in several of the subsequent movies. But one thing you never see the girls doing is practicing. They just pick up instruments and they’re off! Like Cloe’s inexplicable ability to skateboard, she just picks up a board and does it with no mention of where she learned that or how often she’s practiced it. Where is the hard work that goes into playing an instrument or learning a skill? Why isn’t that shown?

While the girls are rocking out, Burdine is dancing around in front of her mirror in her “hipster” outfit, looking very bizarre. Even Royale is staring at her strangely. The Tweevils laugh at her behind her back and assure their boss that she’s doing the hottest new dance. The blondes then all dance the Macarena. Which, let’s just say, I remember dancing to when I was a kid.

In the Bratz room, Cameron tells the girls that he didn’t know they could play guitar like that. Cloe smugly tells him that there’s a lot of things he doesn’t know about them. Of course. Because the Bratz are just good at everything without having to work at it. Just hand them something and they can use it like a pro.

The phone rings before the conversation can continue and Sasha picks up. She tells her friends that the limo is waiting. All of the Bratz and their hangers-on are giddy with excitement. Sasha announces, “People, it’s time for the Bratz Rock Angelz to rock the world!”

The newly-created band rolls up to Pinz in the limo and girls get out. Dylan, who is already there, calls for them and starts snapping photos. He tells them that he wants to take their picture for the cover of the Bratz hot, new magazine.

Meanwhile, Nigel is there, a place he earlier stated that he wouldn’t be caught dead in. He leans against a lamppost and watches everyone arrive. When Burdine and the Tweevils approach the venue, the twins spot him and run up to him in excitement. When they ask him what he’s doing there, he explains that he came to witness the exploits of the masses. Whatever.

Before they can monopolize his time, Burdine approaches. The editor shoves the twins aside. She has recognized Nigel too. She introduces herself, attempting to flirt. But Nigel tells the goggle-wearing editor to go find herself a surfer boy. Then adds, one his father’s age. At the insinuation that Burdine has past an imaginary expiration date placed on women and is now undesirable, she starts hyperventilating. She breathes through the snorkel to calm herself down.

While all of this is going on, Dylan is still snapping pictures. The Bratz Rock Angelz approach the bouncer and he checks the books for their band. But Dylan talks them up as the “hippest new rock band.” Sasha asks if the bouncer will keep the faux paparazzi away from her and that is all the bouncer needs to convince him that they’re totally legitimate!

He shoves Dylan aside and allows the girls into the club. Dylan, not wanting to be left outside, blinds the bouncer with the flash from his camera and pushes him out of the way. Once in the club, the Bratz race through the hallway. They are all suddenly holding guitars. Where they got them from is never explained.

It’s interesting that the girls even managed to get in. All they had to do was LOOK like a rock band and have one teenager photographing them and the bouncer bought it. They didn’t have to play a song or be on a list or anything.

But anyway, in the main part of the club, Byron is talking to Roxxi. Roxxi was the lead singer of Crash, the band that was headlining the show that night, but the band split up and Roxxi doesn’t feel that she’s ready to go solo. Byron looks over and sees the girls with their guitars and without a second thought, asks them if they can sing.

Sasha responds, “You bet we can sing.” Suddenly, they’re opening the show. It was one thing to use the band as a cover to get into the club, but now they take it to actually playing in a concert that supposed to be benefiting something. You don’t need to explain what a good cause is as long as you let everyone know that it’s a good cause, after all. Also, someone being able to sing doesn’t mean that they can perform at a professional event. But who cares about that? It’s almost show time.

While the show is about to start, Burdine walks through the crowd, rather upset. She gets on stage to try to stop the proceedings, but the bouncer quickly bundles her off. The Tweevils unanimously decide that it’s not their problem.

The show starts with Roxxi center stage, singing the Bratz song. Guess what it’s about. Go on, guess. It’s about dancing and having fun with your friends! The committing fraud part was conveniently left off.

Anyway, the show goes into some kind of surreal dream montage where the girls are skydiving. Then they land in the red car, seen at the beginning of the film, and they drag race Dylan and Cameron. They race the boys, driving past billboards with their faces and logo on it and huge paintings of themselves. Then, at the end, they hit a button in the car’s radio and the car takes off to the moon! Not sure what any of that is about. I think it’s a metaphor for their tenuous grip on reality.

The concert over and all loose ends except the Bratz flagrant disregard for the law are tied up. The scene changes to the Bratz Magazine HQ, back in Stilesville. Cloe’s voice over explains, “And that’s how the girls with a passion for fashion launched their very own teen magazine and became rock stars.” All at the same time, I might add.

The girls all used their experiences throughout the movie for their articles. They wrote about their trip, did the interview with Byron, and Cloe wrote a quiz. Is your boyfriend a royal jerk? “Question 1, does he diss your best friends?” The girls tell the quiz taker to immediately dump anyone who does something of that nature.

Which might seem like good advice, but in some cases, (like this one for example) it could be that your friends are silly, shallow, vain bimbos that will only make you sillier. But anyway, Jade wrote a “super styling fashion scoop” from their trip, entitled Pretty in Punk. The Bratz did all of the modeling for the magazine. Obviously.

Jade also wrote a Dos and Don’ts column. Little surprise that the Bratz are all of the Dos and the Your Thing staff are all of the Don’ts. Because why rise above petty problems when you can broadcast them to the world? Sasha finishes by stating that she wrote about how to make your own rock band.

The movie doesn’t share what any of these articles are like, but I think I know how Sasha wrote about putting together a rock band. 90 percent of it will be finding the right hat to perch on top of your head. 10 percent will be finding people to form your entourage. The rest will be about posing for selfies before you go on stage.

Jade announces, “Let’s hear it for girl power!” And escaping criminal prosecution, apparently. Around town, everyone is reading Bratz magazine. They add in that, “Burdine was so depressed she ate a plate full of hamburgers with extra cheese and mayo.” Because only losers eat carbs. Because carbs make you fat and only losers are fat.

Meanwhile, the Bratz got a recording contract, became BFFs with Roxxi (who goes onto only have very minor parts in the TV show from then on), went on a world tour with their single song, and their CD went to the top of the charts. At this point the only honor they didn’t receive was the Pope spit-shining their stilettos.

There comes a point where I believe that these fantasies place harmful ideas of what the real world is like into girls’ imaginations. The idea that you can accomplish all of this in such a short period of time make it seem as if these occupations, which require so much work, dedication and frustration, are just fun after-school activities that come easily to everyone and the fact that there are people out there who aren’t rock stars and magazine Moguls at the same time is down to just not trying hard enough.

But there’s a few seconds left in the movie. The Bratz put up a copy of their first issue in the magazine’s HQ. For some reason, they place it right over their gold record. The girls on the magazine cover come to alive and all say in unison, “We’re the girls with a passion for fashion and we rock!”

And that’s it. That’s the end of the film. Am I surprised at how bad and unrealistic this movie is? By now, little the Bratz so surprises me. But one thing that did catch me off guard was the fact that the girls were outright committing fraud and no one fucking cared about it.

They were breaking the law and no one even noticed. What kind of lesson are you teaching young girls if you have characters who do something like this and they come out as the heroes? If I had to rate this movie out of five stars I’d rate it as three frogs and a parakeet. Because it really was that bad.

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