March 11, 2014
So yeah, picking up where this blog left off, my battle plan didn’t quite go as I had hoped. I went to Doctor Clark’s today for a check up and stepped on the scale to find that my weight had gone from 239 to 244. Brilliant…
Now what? Doctor Clark suggested that I try an appetite suppressant. Which sounds like an excellent idea. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t tell the difference between my stomach telling me that I’m hungry and my brain telling me that I’m hungry. But I feel hungry all of the goddamn time. I’m either thinking about what I’m eating or I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat. My brain just has those two settings.
I also need to talk to my therapist about some of my eating issues. I think my main problem is my total act of confidence has just became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I’m going to fail at weight loss, so I do. I feel that I can’t control my eating habits, so I don’t. I feel like I’ve already lost and I have.
Weight loss takes a lot more mental fortitude than I thought it would. But it’s difficult to feel empowered and positive about your body when you’ve been fed so many negative things about it over the years. I’ve often said that losing weight is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done. Forget relationships, forget being mentally ill, forget that no one ever listens to me, forget that I’m career-less and unemployable. I would gladly deal with all of that shit for the rest of my life if I could just get a handle on my weight.
But I know that more negativity is only going to compound the problem. What I need right now is to believe in my abilities more than ever. I CAN lose weight. I WILL lose weight. I WILL achieve my goal and get to a place where my health will not be jeopardized by my size. I WILL get a handle on my eating and snacking and stop relying on it as a coping mechanism. I WILL exercise and become more fit and better prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
At this point, I know that losing more weight is just a hugely difficult struggle and that it will put me in my pain due to my breasts having less mass to support them. But I have to do it for my health, for my future and for me. I want to be the owner of a strong, reliable body that I take care of and not abuse with sugar.
I’ve stopped feeling shame from my body, but I’m still a long way off from loving it and treating it with the respect and effort that it clearly needs. Losing my body shame was the first step. I’ve established that my body is not my enemy. But I need to learn that my body is my friend and my partner that can only help me if I help it. All this while though, I can’t help but think that this would be a much easier if I would have been able to get my breast reduction in December like I had planned…