Bratz TV: S1E2: Think pink fink stink bink

hqdefault (5)The episode, Not So Hot For A Teacher (Part 1, Part 2), is the second installment of the Bratz TV show. The title is a parody of the song “Hot for Teacher” which details an illegal relationship between an educator and an underage student. Not exactly something that seems appropriate for a kid’s show to parody, but okay.

The episode starts out with Sasha, Jade and Yasmin practicing a cheer out on the field outside of school. They all chant, “Express yourself, uh huh. We got the skills, we got the groove, we got the moves, let’s chill, chill, chill (or that could be kill, kill, kill, I’m not 100% sure). Go, Stiles Tigers!”

The girls jump around, congratulating themselves on their lame cheer. After they finish celebrating their terrible chant, they ask each other where Cloe is. The blonde girl in question then runs up and asks the girls what she’s supposed to do. The other Bratz tell her to start practicing with them, but Cloe clarifies, “I mean about my life!”

She admits that she got into a fight with her parents when her GPA average dropped to a B-. She announces that she has to quit the magazine if she can’t get her GPA up. Cloe admits that she got a C in chemistry and that pulled her average down. Sasha suggests taking an easy class in order to pull her average up.

And Jade knows just the class. She recommends a fashion and design class. In her equation; favorite subject + cushy teacher = easy A. Eitan and Cameron, their guy friends, appear and suggest that Cloe takes wood shop. Eitan adds, “At least you might learn something.”

Oh, Eitan. School isn’t for learning. School is something you attend to move the plot along and keep you busy in between emotional crises. Also, these are the Bratz. Venturing out of their sphere of girlness is simply too much for them to comprehend. Wood shop might require them to do something that doesn’t revolve around shit they could put on their bodies. And we can’t have that.

Quick to back up this theory, Jade says, “Like how to inhale sawdust and wood chips? No thanks.” Yes, because that’s what you do in wood shop. You inhale things. It’s in the syllabus. Cloe ignores the guys and tells her friends that she is in. She signs up for the fashion and design class. Just then, the bell rings.

At Your Thing headquarters, Kaycee is sitting watching perpetual motion balls go back and forth, as that’s probably all of the activity that her tiny brain could handle. Her sister, Kirstee, hands Burdine a report. The magazine owner tells her intern to make her a “small, low fat, decaf, soy milk cappuccino with extra foam.”

Burdine then examines the report and discovers that sales are down 20% and Bratz Magazine is the number one teen fashion magazine. Lashing out, she calls Kaycee a freak and the girl backs into Kirstee who drops the finished cappuccino. Not wanting to remake the beverage, Kirstee holds the cup down to Royale, Burdine’s dog, and swipes her hand over the animal.

White stuff appears in the cup. I’m not sure what this is. Dandruff? Hair? Flea eggs? Natural dog foam?

Anyway, Royale starts to pull on Kaycee’s purse. Just then, the phone rings and Burdine picks it up. It’s her vet calling. Royale went in for his doggie check up and he is not only overweight, he has fleas as well. Burdine promises the vet that she’ll take care of it. She accepts the cup of “cappuccino” from Kirstee and sips it. She announces that it’s “perfection.”

The next scene takes place at school. Dylan comes down the stairs into the hallway with newly orange hair instead of his normal black hair. The girls what him what he’s doing and he announces that he wants to be voted most attractive dude in the yearbook. Yasmin asks him if there’s an entry for “talking tangerine”. The young man informs the girls that last year’s most attractive man was a tall red head. Sasha quickly tells him that the hair color wasn’t all that he was missing from that equation. Dylan just puts some shades on and walks away.

Back at Your Thing, Royale is running away from Burdine. He darts out into the hallway and runs near the Bratz Magazine’s open door. Why the girls thought that being down the hall from their rival magazine was such a good idea is never explained. Burdine overhears the Bratz talking about the fashion and design class. The wheels already turning, Burdine grabs Royale and walks off.

In class the next day, the girls enter their new fashion and design period to find Cameron and Eitan already there. The young women ask them what they’re doing there and the boys say that wood shop class was already full. Eitan adds, “and we wanted to expand our horizons.” A commendable effort. If only the Bratz could do this for themselves.

Yasmin says that it will be fun with all of their friends in the class. As the Bratz are physically unable to do anything without each other, so all four of the Bratz are taking the class, not just Cloe, who needs it. Enter the Tweevils. Of course.

As class starts, there is an announcement over the loud speaker. It says that the teacher has changed and the class will now be thought by a woman that is an expert in fashion. Everyone starts to guess who the new teacher could be. Sasha guesses Alonce. Jade asks, Hillary Fluff? Cameron ponders, Low-J? But it turns out to be none of the random celebrities. It’s Burdine.

Of course, one just doesn’t walk into a high school and start teaching. In order to teach a class and work in a school, you have to have the right education and certifications and be able to pass a background check. The fact that the show acts as if teaching is just a haphazard thing that anyone can walk in and do really shows a lot of disregard for teachers and the entire education system that would allegedly allow anyone off the streets to teach impressionable young people.

Burdine starts the class by raking her nails across the chalkboard. For no reason. An insert shot shows her laughing manically. Burdine starts off her lesson by talking about pink being the mother of all colors. When she asks if anyone has any questions Cameron puts his hand up and inquires if there’s any room left in woodshop.

At the end of the class, Burdine tells her students to come get their first paper topics on the way out. The girls get the following assignments.

Sasha: Pink is the new black. Discuss.
Jade: Fuchsia: fun on the brink of pink.
Yasmin: Everything but the kitchen pink.
Cloe: The impact of 19th century labor unions on the American exporters of pink fabrics.

Cloe objects to her topic, saying that her paper would take her a month to write. Burdine informs her that she has a week. She tells the Tweevils to meet her after class and then gives Cameron and Eitan the topic 30 years of pink fashion at Stiles High.

Cameron exits the class making a comment about that being information that they can use for the SATs. Which is an excellent point. But no one really admits this. Cloe promptly freaks out. She tells Burdine that she doesn’t know if she can complete this assignment. Burdine suggests that she spends a little less time on Bratz Magazine and more time on her school work. Cloe calls the woman a witch. There’s a short insert shot of Burdine as a pink witch balanced on a broomstick with a pink pointy hat. The Tweevils are her flying monkeys.

Back at Your Thing, Burdine has gotten rid of Royale’s fleas, but he still needs to lose weight. The magazine editor tells the Tweevils that their class assignment is to design a workout plan for Royale and get him to lose 14 ounces. She tells them that they will either get an A or an F on this assignment.

As if this would ever be allowed in a class. What follows is a montage of the Tweevils running on treadmills, still wearing their huge wedge shoes. They do step aerobics while Royale naps. They try to feed him veggies and he steals Kaycee’s hamburger by flinging his bowl at her already delicate nose.

The point of this is unclear. Why are they working out when they’re supposed to be designing an exercise program for a dog? Why are they giving him vegetables when that’s not even part of a dog’s diet? Why not just give him diet dog food or restrict how much he gets at each meal? No one knows.

Meanwhile, at Bratz Magazine HQ, Yasmin is applying a fake tattoo to Dylan’s arm. His hair is miraculously back to black. Sasha asks him why he wants a fake tattoo and he tells the girl that the most attractive male two years ago had a tattoo. He wants one too that says to people, “Rebel without a pause.”

But he won’t get a real one because he’s afraid of needles. He’s also possibly underage. When Yasmin finishes Cloe enters with a mountain of books that she got from the library. Dylan goes to help her set them down on the table. Yasmin asks her friend if she had any luck. Cloe informs her that the library was her last resort.

She tried the internet, local unions, the museum of natural fibers, even her mom (who has never been proven to exist). But she can’t find any information. Cloe goes to her regular state of emotional wreckage. She announces that she’s pulled 3 all nighters in a row and still hasn’t gotten anywhere.

Sasha asks Cloe if she will have time to do her Dear Cloe column for that issue and she announces that if she doesn’t get an A in that class she’ll never have time to do another column again. Ever! Bunny Boo tells her that school work comes first. As if that’s actually true. Eitan and Cameron then enter carrying 30 years worth of yearbooks from Stiles High. Dylan looks over the yearbooks, overjoyed. He announces that now he can see all of the most attractive dude winners from the last three decades. As if societal views of attractiveness haven’t changed in that time.

Across the hall, the Tweevils are trying to get Royale to run from one end of the room and back in exchange for a diet doggie biscuit. But the animal is completely disinterested. He goes to sleep instead. Kirstee insists to the dog that the biscuits are delicious and to prove her point, she throws on to her twin, who catches it and eats it. She soon runs out of the room saying that she’s going to puke though.

Out in the hallway, Kaycee runs into Dylan, who is now skateboarding. Apparently the most attractive male in 1993 was a skater. Knowing that this was the year that Burdine graduated from Stiles High, Kirstee takes the yearbook and looks for Burdine’s photo. She gets to the correct page, but the photo has been torn out. The caption below it though says that she was voted worst dressed.

I have several problems with this scene. First off, if Burdine graduated in 1993, and assuming that she wasn’t a super senior, she would actually be around 31 years old. Again reinforcing all of the negative things about age that took place in the last episode. Also, high school superlatives, even in the 90s, are not that negative.

Also, how did Burdine get that photo? Did she seriously go through all of the yearbooks that were produced and tear out her photo. She had some control over the photo when it was taken, why take a photo that she obviously got so upset about? But this plot line isn’t over yet.

At Bratz HQ, Cloe is asleep at her computer. She’s almost done with her paper, but she hasn’t even started her column. Always one for a rational reaction, she tells the other girls that she just wants to quit so that she doesn’t let anyone down. Sasha tells her, “Emergency cheer up time.”

For the emergency cheer up, the girls retire to the building’s ladies’ room. Of course. It’s either the ladies’ room or the juice bar. Jade assures her friend that she hasn’t let anyone down. Yasmin offers to write her column for her. Cloe accepts that, but asks what will happen if Burdine’s assignments only get more difficult.

Sasha blurts out that they will just shut down the magazine. There’s then an insert shot of the Bratz saying, “Shut down the magazine!?” in exasperation. The girls leave the bathroom, still upset.

Just then, Burdine steps out of a stall. She has overheard everything that the Bratz have said. Which again makes me question why they would work in such close proximity with someone who is out to sabotage them all of the time.

The next day in class, Cloe got an F on her paper. Burdine then starts handing out assignments for midterms. The Tweevils are told to see Burdine after school. Cameron and Eitan are given the assignment to write a sonnet about pink. They are mystified at first, but then Eitan says, “You know, the old fashioned word for ‘rap’.” No, Eitan. No, it’s not.

The Bratz’s assignment is that they have to put on a fashion show with a pink theme. The girls object that that would take them weeks. Burdine informs them that they have three days. Burdine adds that the assignment is 70% of their final grade.

The girls realize that they can’t do the fashion show and the magazine at the same time. When they appeal to Burdine, as if she would ever listen to them, she tells them that it’s not her problem. The next insert is a strange segment where the Bratz faces become pieces of toast and Burdine says that she’s going to eat them for breakfast before taking a chomp out of Cloe’s piece.

Later that day, the girls take one of the daily trips to the juice bar. They sit there, not talking, looking very upset. Eitan comes over, carrying four pink drinks. The girls react with horror at the color.

Back at Your Thing, Burdine returns to the office, announcing her victory. Bratz Magazine is over, she declares. The Tweevils agree with her and do the hundredth of their trademark booty bops that day. But there’s no time to celebrate, Burdine wants to see if the Tweevils are able to reduce her dog’s weight. The dog owner weighs her pet on a small scale and finds that he’s not only not lost weight, he’s gained 3 ounces. The girls get an F for their assignment.

Burdine gives the girls their midterm assignment. Since they can’t reduce his weight, they have to find a way to conceal it. I guess Burdine just doesn’t want to be seen with a fat dog. Her concern clearly isn’t for Royale’s health, she just wants him to look thinner. It doesn’t matter if he loses weight or not.

The magazine owner tells the girls that they have until Friday to figure this out. After she leaves, Kirstee announces that she will get even. She tells her twin that they have to find Burdine’s old yearbook photo. The Tweevil says that Royale might know where the photo is hidden.

Royale, because he’s a dog that understands English, gestures towards several darts that are sitting on Burdine’s desk. Kirstee picks one up and throws it at the dart board, which currently has a photo of the Bratz on it. She gets a bullseye and the dark board swings down, revealing a hidden compartment.

The girls go snooping and discover the photo. The picture is a full body shot of Burdine, with a much longer nose, wearing a princess pink ball gown. She’s wearing her regular tiara. This photo of her confirms that she has had plastic surgery, as her nose is radically different, but shows no reason why she would have had the face lift that the Tweevils suspect her of.

This revelation cements the assertion made in the first episode. Being ugly is unforgivable, but becoming more attractive with plastic surgery is both desperate and sad. You simply have to be a naturally, conventionally attractive person in order to be stylish.

But moving on, the episode picks up at Bratz HQ. The girls are lamenting their fate and the emanate closure of their magazine. Cloe asked her friends, “What happened to the girls with the passion for fashion?” The other girls point out that it would be impossible for them to put on an entire fashion show in three days.

Cloe, suddenly the proactive optimist and not the drama mama that she usually is, decides that they just need to work together. Jade can design the clothes. Sasha can get the music and choreograph the moves. Yasmin and Cloe will handle the details. Like the mountains of cocaine that they will need in the dressing room.

The blonde girl adds that this month’s issue of Bratz Magazine will be all about putting on your own fashion show. All of the girls love the idea and they quickly scamper off to get to work. Jade designs the clothes and Yasmin sews the designs.

All four girls lay down a banner and start painting. They go shopping for… stuff… and dance around outside the stores like weirdos. The girls run over town. They go to the juice bar and get drinks, naturally.

Thursday night, the Tweevils come back to their school with flyers that all have Burdine’s yearbook photo on them. They go into the fashion and design classroom and cover the walls with the posters. Their plan is going perfectly when they hear someone enter the hallway and they dart off into the night.

It’s Burdine, returning to the classroom to get the dog biscuits that she left there. Because apparently no one locks the school at night. People can just come and go as they please. Anyway, Burdine enters the room and sees the flyers. She gasps in horror, immediately suspecting the Bratz. She hyperventilates at the thought of everyone seeing her high school yearbook photo.

The next morning, Burdine waits for the girls to come into class and when they arrive, she announces that she’s having them expelled. Clueless as to why they’re being threatened with ejection from school, the girls ask why and Burdine just tells them that they know what they did. She shows the girls the photos, unintentionally showing them the image when the truth is that they had never seen it before.

The Bratz gasp at the photo and ask if it’s really her. They mock her dress. The Tweevils then arrive with Royale. In order to conceal his weight, they have dyed him black. They remind their boss that black is very slimming. Burdine berates the twins, even though that idea isn’t that bad.

Kirstee then sees the yearbook photo and the Tweevils tell Burdine that they saw the pictures up when they got to school and everyone was laughing at them. Burdine tells them that she took all of the pictures down that night, before the students arrived, so she knows that they’re lying and the people who put up the photos to begin with. Burdine adds that it’s note even her in the photo. But no one believes her. The Tweevils, knowing that they’re in trouble, run out of the classroom.

Meanwhile, the Bratz are ready for their fashion show. They have set up the runway in the cafeteria or something. It’s somewhere in the school, I’m not sure of the exact setting. At the last minute, their male model flaked out on them, so Cloe enlists Dylan’s help. He is excited as the girls tell him to just be himself.

Eitan and Cameron start off the show by reciting their “sonnet” entitled, This is not Your Mother’s Pink. The “sonnet” goes like this:

Yo bro, what do you think?
Times are hard, world’s on the brink
Don’t wanna protest, don’t wanna cause a stink
Just wanna escape and not have time to think
I like to check out all the chicks
Watch em walk, watch em slink
In clothes so fine,
This is not your mother’s pink

I keep putting the term sonnet in quotations because this is not a sonnet. I’m not just saying that because it’s terrible. I’m saying it because it does not follow any kind of sonnet’s rhyming scheme or use iambic pentameter. It also doesn’t introduce a problem in the body and offer a resolution with the ending couplet.

So it not only sucks, it’s not a sonnet at all. But Burdine, whose educational background is questionable at best, probably wouldn’t know a sonnet if it beat her over the head with a flaming chair. I’m willing to guess that not actually completing the assignment is actually not going to work against the two boys.

The fashion show starts with the Bratz girls all wearing pink wigs, decked out in nothing but pink clothes. With only five models and no costume changes, the show is rather short. But the audience bursts into huge cheers at the end and everyone just adores the show.

Royale then gets into Burdine’s bag, most likely looking for his doggie biscuits. He tosses the purse, which is about as big as he is, in front of one of the fans that were facing the runway and the fan blows all of the flyers of Burdine’s yearbook photos, distributing them to the crowd. The Stiles High students start to laugh and Burdine calls the Tweevils freaks and tells them that they failed. On stage, the Bratz take a bow. Their mission is now complete.

In the wrap up, Dylan enters Bratz HQ and announces that he was voted most attractive dude. Sasha tells him that all it took was being himself. As if his personality had anything to do with it. The episode ends with the voice over saying that their magazine issue about DIY fashion shows was their best selling issue yet and the principal made Burdine give them all As for their class work.

Which begs the question, if they principal was willing to help them, then why not go to him or her before then about Burdine’s unfair assignments? But this is a Bratz show and they’re just not into logic. Why go to adults at all when all you need to do to solve your problems is use your own teenage inexperience to guide you?

This episode is more of the same, for the Bratz. It hinges on unrealistic things happening, remains ridiculous throughout, and ends in a fashion show. But this episode is slightly sadder as usual as the girls have an opportunity to actually try something new (wood shop) and they just decide to keep doing what they’ve always done instead of risking their manicures.

This is a review of an episode of the Bratz TV series. To read more reviews of Bratz episodes, Click here. To read Bratz movie reviews, Click here.

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