The Indoor Adventures of Happy Cat: Roof Monsters

IMG_2479April 16, 2014

8:55am

I am in my darkest hour. I fear that I might not be long for this world. Scary things are happening all around me and I have no reprieve from this madness. My alleged caretakers are sleeping, laying in bed, or otherwise completely unconcerned with my plight. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m very afraid.

It all happened a few minutes ago. I was lying in my bed with my mom quite happily, just minding my own business. Nothing seemed unusual or out of place. Then I heard horrible noises coming from above my head. The noises almost sounded like the footprints of some horrible creature that had landed on the roof and was skulking around.

Seconds later, more sounds emitted from the roof. I can’t even describe the hellish cacophony that came from directly above me. Thinking that this is some kind of animal attack, I left my mom’s bed and went straight for my personal petter’s bed. She was somehow sleeping through all of this racket. So I tucked myself under her bed and waited. I decided to write in my journal, just in case this is my last day on this earth. The animals are so insistent and I think there’s more than one of them.

I don’t know if I’ll ever update this journal again. If I don’t, just know that I lived an awesome and full life. I had a great mom, a dad thing, and a personal petter. I owned a house and ate whatever I wanted. Life was pretty sweet.

10:24am

I think the roof is keeping the monsters at bay. I’m still under the bed, awaiting my death. But nothing is happening. I kept thinking that any second, I would be murdered, but so far I’m safe. Just lots of noise. Maybe the monsters can’t get through the roof. Maybe they’re not as tough as I thought. I’m not sure.

My mom has been up and moving around. I’m not sure what happened to my personal petter. I think she’s gone again. Maybe she fled for safety. The other two humans don’t seem very concerned at all. My dad keeps coming upstairs to mom and reporting that they’re making progress on the roof. I don’t know what he’s talking about. Something about shingles and tarp and other words that don’t have cat equivalents for.

How can they be so casual at a time like this?! Something is clearly wrong and all they can do is stand around and talk about shit I don’t even understand! What is wrong with my “caretakers”? Don’t they care about my feelings?! Can’t they see I’m distressed!?

11:17am

I’m starting to get hungry. But the noises! They haven’t stopped! I still don’t know what’s going on.

How am I supposed to go downstairs and go to the litter box or get my breakfast with this nonsense going on? I don’t know if I’m safe, if I’m going to be attacked at any moment, if my servants are in danger, nothing! I just don’t know! I’m going to have to wait these monsters out.

12:46pm

I need to pee.

2:11pm

Now I’m just getting bored. The commotion won’t stop and mom and dad are both downstairs. Doing something. Something other than packing up the house to flee or preparing for battle. Sometimes I feel bad for them. They are just big, silly, hairless creatures that can barely provide for themselves. Without me in their lives, how would they have any joy or entertainment? Seriously.

4:35pm

My personal petter is back. I wonder where she’s been. I thought she was smart enough to get away, but here she is again. The sounds changed a few hours ago. Now it’s an insistent banging. Again and again. Just BANG, BANG, BANG! It’s enough to drive a cat insane.

I’m so hungry and lonely. I want to sit on someone’s lap and receive my daily pettings and tribute. Hey wait, there’s another sound now. Treat bag! My personal petter has the treats. I’m starving! I have to go investigate.

4:37pm

That was a dastardly trick. I came out for some treats and my personal petter lured me downstairs. It was so scary downstairs! The sounds echoed and boomed. That place was in no way safe. I looked around the downstairs for a second. It seemed the same, but something was still wrong.

I ran back upstairs and got under the bed again. It’s safe up here. The noises are a little louder now, but at least I’m under the bed where no one can get me. I have to resist the personal petter if she comes again. But those treats were so tasty and they were my favorite kind.

5:22pm

I came out for a little while. My mom was on my bed and the personal petter was there too. I felt a little better about all of this racket with them petting me. I allowed them to fawn over me for a little while. They were using their cute voices. I guess I forgive my personal petter for using those treats against me. I did when she gave me more of them anyway.

Seriously, I’ve never had this many treats in one day! Dad came up to say that the roofers were almost done. Whatever that means. He petted me too. As he should have. I sat on my pillow for a little while before hiding again. When is this day going to be over already? They’ve been at it for… a long time.

What? I don’t have a watch. Cats don’t wear watches!

7:15pm

I think it’s safe. All of the noises have stopped. It’s quiet above me. I went downstairs and still no sounds. Mom is watching a movie and the personal petter is on her magic box again making clicking noises again. I guess they knew something I didn’t. Maybe that’s why they were so calm.

Humans are weird. Maybe they had something to do with the monsters on the roof. Or maybe they finally got motivated and scared them off. Who knows with humans?

I guess I can go about my regular day now. I already left several deposits in the litter box and ate until I saw the bottom of my food dish. Then I went into the laundry room and ate some out of my personal stash. For some reason, food tastes so much better when you rip it out of the bag yourself. I call that being self-sufficient.

7:59pm

It seems to be totally safe. No weird noises, dad isn’t talking about the roofers anymore. It’s all fine. Today was a scary day, but I think I handled it really well.

All a day in the life of an indoor cat.

To read more in the Adventures of Happy Cat, click here.