Bratz TV: S1E17: Jade gets a massive head injury and no one really cares

hqdefault (14)Jade’s Dream (Part 1, Part 2) is a strange episode. I mean, they’re all strange, but this one is really strange. Not only is it badly written and animated, as usual, it fails to be even vaguely compelling and teaches kids inaccurate and dangerous lessons about head injuries and their effects.

It starts off at Bratz Magazine HQ with Cloe bringing in a huge pile of fan mail. She announces that most of it is for Jade. The girl says that it must be about the cover story that she did on extreme street fashions. Whatever that is. She opens a letter and reads it aloud only to find that it’s not exactly praising her article. In shock, Jade opens another and reads, “Your fashion sense, like, stinks. A baby’s diaper smells better. You are, like, such a fashion freak. Get yourself a circus job.”

Heartbroken and now in a spiral of self-doubt, Jade runs off, throwing the letters into the air. Cloe leaves to chase after her. Meanwhile, Yasmin notes that there’s something suspicious about the letters. The next scene opens on Jade in the office bathroom, crying. Cloe comforts her, but Jade’s entire self image has been completely crushed by a few random magazine readers who didn’t like her article. Jade says that she’s a loser and should quit the magazine. Cloe goes on one of her hysterical long-winded monologues about what would happen if Jade quit the magazine.

It starts with the other girls not being able to put up the publication themselves and ends with Burdine taking over the world. Cloe then tells Jade to come see a psychic. Because a psychic can tell her her future. At first, Jade is hesitant. But then Cloe utterly convinces her with the question, “What do you have to lose?” The girls leave the restroom and the shot changes to one of Burdine. She has been listening in on their entire conversation in the stall.

Which has happened about a million times now. You’d think that they’d be more careful about checking the bathroom before they have big emotional moments. Anyway, Burdine watches them go and says to herself, “The future is looking very pink.”

At the open-air mall, Burdine, who is wearing the same pink outfit that she was wearing in Bratz Rock Angelz along with a veil and a scarf over her head, sits behind a crystal ball in a purple tent. Jade is sitting across from her with Cloe waiting outside. Jade confesses that she’s freaking out about her future.

Burdine responds in a terrible accent. It’s so bad it’s hard to tell what she was even trying for. Anyway, the psychic “sees” something in her crystal ball and asks Jade if she works with three friends on a publication of some kind. Jade says yes and Burdine says that she has to quit the magazine or else her friends will be doomed. Not only that, but it will all be her fault.

As panic registers on Jade’s face, the wind outside picks up. A lot. Jade runs from the tent. Cloe calls her name, but she doesn’t slow down. Just then, the massive tent blows away. Cloe asks the psychic what she told Jade. The pink villain responds that she told her the truth. Just then, her veil blows off, revealing that the psychic was actually a poorly disguised Burdine the entire time. Cloe recognizes her and runs off to find Jade. She looks around the nearby streets, but doesn’t see her. Finally, she spots her friend racing away from her and gives chase.

A large metal trash can tumbles down the street. It hits Cloe and knocks her over. She gets up and tries to warn Jade, but it’s too late. The can hits her, then knocks her into a thick metal lamp post. Jade is out cold. Cloe runs over to her friend’s prone body and calls for her to wake up. But she doesn’t.

Then, Jade’s dream, the whole reason behind the episode’s title, starts. But some quick research on the internet will inform anyone that being unconscious is not the same as being asleep. One of the key differences is that you don’t dream. You have to be in a REM stage in order to dream. Being knocked out isn’t going to put you into REM sleep. Also, should someone be rendered unconscious by a blow to the head, it’s important to get them medical treatment immediately. Concussions can cause a lot of problems in the brain and can even lead to death if not properly diagnosed or treated.

I’m going to discuss the dream section now. Stay tuned to see how the Bratz leap into action to deal with their friend’s injury. I’m also going to assure you that I’m not making any of this up or exaggerating it to sound more bizarre than it actually is. Here are the links to the episode again. Watch it yourself if you don’t believe me: Jade’s Dream (Part 1, Part 2)

The dream starts off with a reporter running backwards and narrating as she goes. Burdine Maxwell, maniacal magazine mogul, has just launched another assault on Stilesville. This time she is using her, “brain-reducing pink spray of doom.” This show is like a brain-reducing pink spray of doom.

Anyway, the camera then shows the Tweevils and Burdine spraying a pink mist around the juice bar and talking about how fun it is. Burdine is wearing the same outfit as she did as a psychic and the Tweevils are in their pink onesies for some reason. Because why fight crime if you’re not comfortable? I’m really not sure.

Burdine then corners Cameron and sprays him. He turns into a pink-haired, pink-clad zombie. He shambles off repeating, “think pink,” over and over again. The reporter declares it a victory for Burdine.animated0020

But then, the Bratz show up! Three of them anyway. The reporter completely changes her tune, announcing that Stilesville’s three fashion superheroes are here to save the day! Sasha, Yasmin and Cloe get out of the Bratz-mobile and announce that the party is over. Burdine throws a pink metal cylinder at the Bratz and they just stand there at watch it. It explodes, throwing them to the ground.

Sasha yells at the girls to cover their faces, presumably so they don’t breathe in whatever was in the canister. Burdine laughs evilly before getting into her pink car and driving off. The reporter announces that Burdine has trounced the Bratz. She goes over to interview Sasha.

But the girl is coughing violently. For some reason though, the reporter isn’t. All Sasha can do is turn to the camera and say, “Jade, we need you!” Down the street, Jade is watching the action unfold on a series of televisions in a shop window. She continues to walk down the road without a second thought to her friends. As she does, the sky turns pink. Then the buildings start to turn pink as well.

Back at the Your Thing office, Burdine is brewing a new chemical potion. There are a set of test tubes and beakers on her desk, all filled with pink liquid She describes it as diabolical and evil. Kaycee figures that it must make you feel all bloated. Just then, the phone rings. Burdine picks up and explodes with rage when she hears that Bratz Magazine is still outselling Your Thing.

It seems beyond ridiculous that Burdine with her Tweevils and the Bratz are in a battle for the safety of the world and their biggest concern is their magazine sales. It’s also not surprising but still highly annoying that the Bratz show can’t manage to show the girls doing something other than being fashionable. They’re superheroes, but they’re fashion superheroes. Anything that they do or try must have the concept of fashion crammed into it. At all times.

Anyway, Burdine throws the phone above the Tweevils’ heads. She announces that she wants to destroy her rivals once and for all. She then loads a large gun-like weapon with the chemical, that she has dubbed Agent Rosé. She tells her associates that the Bratz are going to, “the big catwalk in the sky.”

Meanwhile, at Bratz HQ, which might still be down the hall from Your Thing, the girls are reclining on the couches. Yasmin tells the other girls that they really need Jade and have to get her back. Sasha laments that she’s gone.

Just then the phone rings. It’s the emergency hot line. Yasmin puts it on video phone. It’s the mayor calling the girls. The mayor looks just like Chachi from the Pet Show episode. But anyway, Sasha announces that they have to go. The girls are shown suiting up into their superhero gear. Because who can fight crime when you’re not properly color coordinated? The girls leave in the red Bratz convertible. After they are gone, Jade bursts into the office and announces that she’s back. But the Bratz have left to fight crime without her.

Around this time, Burdine is flying through the sky in her pink car. The Tweevils are in the passenger and backseat, throwing copies of Your Thing Magazine to the pink zombies. They pick up the magazine and start to read. Burdine tells the girls that Stiles High is now hers. She brags that she has captured the entire youth market. She states that all that stands between her and world domination are the three Bratz. And they should be arriving soon in order to protect their school. On cue, the Bratz fly up in the car and tell Burdine to give it up. She speeds off through the pink town.

Burdine tells Kirstee to deploy the mega missiles, but she doesn’t know which one is the right button. She hits a random button and the car plummets from the sky. Motion sick, Kaycee vomits over the side. Burdine yells at them and then corrects the car. It spins through the air until it straightens out. Then Burdine hits another button. It shots pink balls at the Bratz. Sasha, who is driving, tries to avoid all of the obstacles, but there are too many of them. One gets caught on the bottom of the car and explodes. The girls fall out of the sky as Sasha desperately tries to pull up.

They hit a building before screeching to a halt on the ground. The Bratz check their computer read out and see that their position, symbolized by an opening and closing red lipstick print, is being honed in on by an incoming missile. The girls try to evacuate the car, but Sasha’s seat belt is stuck. With the missile closing in on them, Sasha ejects all of the girls.

They parachute back down to the ground, beyond the destroyed car. Ever flawlessly animated, Cloe’s hair goes right through the lines on her parachute. After the girls land, they take their shoots off and Sasha asks them if they’re all okay. Cloe complains about her hair. Meanwhile, Burdine is on the roof of a really tall building with her teenage sidekicks. She announces that it’s over for the Bratz. But Sasha, still spunky despite her near-death experience, tells her to dream on. The girls strike poses that are vaguely reminiscent of martial arts stances.

Burdine informs her arch enemies that she will use her most potent potion, Agent Rosé, on them. The Bratz jump at Burdine, but she hits them with the potion. Cameron looks on in horror. The Bratz land and the Your Thing staffs looks at them in confusion. Burdine comments that the potion was meant to destroy, not disfigure.

The next shot is of the three Bratz that now look identical to Kirstee. Which was probably done to save on the money needed to animate a new character or an actual disfigurement or something other than reusing the same models that they already have. The Bratz, realizing that they now look like their blonde nemeses, scream in terror. Burdine laughs manically.

Back at the mall, Mayor Chachi is addressing the non-zombie members of the town. The zombies are still roaming the streets. They mindlessly chant, “Long live the queen, long live Burdine,” over and over again. These zombies would be a lot more interesting if they tried to eat people. In fact, the series would be a lot more interesting if the Bratz were devoured alive by zombies. Just a thought.

Anyway, Cameron is still looking for the missing Bratz girl as Chachi informs the town, “Self-expression and freedom of choice have been outlawed.” The screen then flashes images of famous monuments from all over the world that have been turned pink. The last picture is of Mount Rushmore with Burdine’s head on it.

It seems strange that Burdine has managed to do this to icons from across the globe when none of these things are in Stilesville and she doesn’t seem to have left the area. Mayor Chachi laments that Burdine now even controls the food supply. The woman in question then pops up beside him and informs him, “That’s right, tubbo. No more carbs for you or anyone else. From now on, you eat what I eat.” Because fat people only think about food. For skinny people, if they remember to eat once a week, they’re doing well. Cut off the food supply and the only people upset about it will be the overweight.

Burdine then address the crowd and tells them that they will all wear pink and carry Your Thing magazine with them at all times. Chachi defiantly tells Burdine that his teenage daughter says that her magazine reeks. Burdine curls up the issue that she has with her and shoves it into his mouth. She turns back to the crowd and they have all been transformed into zombies. The pink crowd chants for her. Burdine murmurs, “Perfection.”

The next scene picks up with Jade rollerblading through town. She sees Your Thing and Burdine posters everywhere. The buildings are still pink, as well. A song plays as Jade takes in all of the pink and Your Thing media. The lyrics are the normal, bland mush that the Bratz have made famous. When Jade can’t take it anymore, she screams.

hqdefault (13)Later that day, in the pet food factory, Burdine has all three of the Bratz, still stuck looking like Kirstee, suspended upside down over a vat of pink boiling liquid. Sasha comments, “If I have to look like a Tweevil, then taking a swim in boiling oil doesn’t seem so bad.” And yes, I’m at the point in this series where I can recognized a character by their voice alone.

Cloe wonders what will happen to their complexions. But after their skin burns away from their bones, I doubt that it will be a problem. Anyway, Burdine announces that Jade was smart to abandon them. Cloe retorts that Jade only left because of the fake messages that the Tweevils sent and Burdine’s fake psychic predictions.

This seems strange, because those events happened in the real world, not in the dream world. It doesn’t make a lot of sense in the context of the dream with the group being fashion superheros. But it doesn’t really matter. Burdine makes it clear that she plans to kill the three Bratz.

Cloe announces, “I think I’m going to have an extreme, teen drama queen moment here. Our lives are so over!” She screams to punctuate her point. However, impending doom isn’t exactly on the same level as having clumpy mascara or not having your phone call returned by a cute boy. Freaking out over your emanate death is something very compelling to freak out about.

While all of this is happening, the pink zombies are walking all over town. Cameron runs around, avoiding them. Jade is nearby and blames herself for the zombie infestation. She sees the crowd and quickly blades off to avoid them. She runs into Cameron and the two get to safety. He tells her that the Bratz are trapped at the pet food factory and that she has to go rescue them. Jade asks him to come with her, but Cameron tells her that his lack of super powers would only hold her back. He reminds her that she’s a fashion superhero, whatever that’s supposed to be.

The teenage boy instructs her to believe in herself. Jade then decides that he’s right. It took a few letters to send her into a spiral of self-doubt and one boy to snap her right out of it. Because that’s how human emotions work. Anyway, Jade transforms into her white-haired fashion superhero alter ego. As she takes off, Cameron tells her, “Jade, may the passion for fashion be with you!”

At the pet food factory, Cloe is complaining about their fate. Burdine tells the Tweevils to untie the ropes and lower the girls into the vat. The twins start to do what she says, but Sasha tells them that if they touch the ropes, they might get rope warts. The girls stop what they’re doing and step back. This tacit might have been funnier if it wouldn’t most likely have worked on Cloe.

Burdine barks at the twins to not listen to the Bratz and keep going. The Tweevils start to undo the ropes and Jade appears. She sees the three Kirstees and asks what’s going on. Her friends quickly assure her that it’s them, they’ve just been Tweevil-ized. Burdine then sics the twins on her.

Jade easily avoids them and they crash into each other. Burdine then comes up behind Jade, announcing, “You will never defeat me, you freak of fashion!” Jade tell hers to bring it on. The two females fight. Burdine throws Jade off and the girl gets back up, announcing, “Kiss my feet!” I’m sorry everyone here had to read that. I know how difficult it was to deal with that kind of vulgarity.

Anyway, they fight some more. While the other Bratz cheer on Jade, the rope that they’re hanging from starts to fray. Burdine grabs her gigantic gun and shoots some Agent Rosé at Jade. Jade gets on the ground to avoid breathing it in. She crawls past Burdine, masked by the smoke, and grabs the gun away from her.

She then points it at Royale, Burdine’s dog. She’s about to pull the trigger when she feels bad about it and hesitates. Burdine sneaks up behind her and grapples with her for the weapon when it goes off. Royale is hit in the face with the Agent Rosé and when the smoke clears, is revealed to have Kaycee’s face, complete with her trademark bandage.

While Burdine is weeping over her pet, Jade snatches her tiara and throws it into a another vat of oil. Burdine moans about losing her powers and the Bratz girls turn back to their normal appearances. Not finished with her yet, Jade, who is now holding the gun, shows Burdine a cheeseburger. This exchange then happens;

Burdine: Carbs! Are you trying to make me fat?
Jade: You get the idea. Now eat up or it’s Tweevil time for you.

Burdine does her entire Do You Know Who I Am speech as she takes one bite of the burger. As she talks, her body begins to expand. She grows more and more bloated until she explodes in a spray of pink glitter. And what the fuck was that? One bite from a cheeseburger is enough to kill someone? Being fat is the same as death? This is so bizarre that I don’t even know where to start tearing it apart. Needless to say, it’s more fat shaming and implanting irrational fear of foods in little girls’ minds. Just then, the rope holding up the three Bratz snaps. Jade grabs them and sets them safely on the ground. As soon as they’re free, the girls declare a group hug! Just like all superhero groups upon successfully dealing with their arch enemy.

Jade tells the girls that they have a magazine to put out. Because when you’re a fashion superhero, that’s what really counts. The four Bratz fly towards the ceiling and break through the glass window above them.

And we’re back to reality! Well, Bratz reality. Jade wakes up on the sidewalk. The other three girls are sitting around her. They ask her if she’s okay. Which, they would have looked more concerned if they had gotten her some actual medical attention.

Cloe says that they found out that the Tweevils wrote the letters to her and that Burdine was the psychic. But never mind all of that, Jade says that they have a magazine to put out! The girls head back to Bratz HQ with no more thought to the fact that Jade was hit in the head so hard that she was rendered unconscious.

In the wrap up, Jade states that her contribution to the magazine that month was a cover story entitled, “What your dreams reveal about you”. And apparently, the readers loved it. She got excellent feedback and enough kudos to believe in herself again. This story could have actually had some substance in it if Jade had to deal with the fact that people have different opinions. Or that just because someone doesn’t like her work that doesn’t mean that her work isn’t any good. Or that she shouldn’t take the views of others as her own self-image.

But no. None of that, bullshit. Jade is sad because she thought that people disliked her. Her faith is restored once people like her again. Jade finishes the wrap up by announcing, “May the passion for fashion always be with you.” Meanwhile, the Tweevils are reading the new issue of Bratz Magazine. Burdine walks by and hits the girls over the head. She’s walking Royale, who follows along behind her. The dog has Kaycee’s head.

I can’t even begin to figure out what happened here. The entire story was supposed to be a dream, but Royale’s head is still one of the Tweevils? He’s back to normal by the next episode. Are we supposed to be left thinking that maybe what happened was real? Despite all of the evidence that contradicts that? Or were the animators just too goddamn lazy to switch Royale’s head back at the end of the show?

I’m going with the latter on that one. That’s it for this really weird episode. The next one is a clip show. So my commentary should be pretty short. And there will be a lot of links. A lot…

This is a review of an episode of the Bratz TV series. To read more reviews of Bratz episodes, Click here. To read Bratz movie reviews, Click here.

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