Give me something to feel

2408whiblk-w800h800z1-57069-i-wish-i-was-full-of-tacos-instead-of-emotionsI was out on a first date with someone that I wasn’t hitting it off with when they started talking about how no one has emotions without something triggering them. I listened to their dissertation about human emotions always having a cause and there always being a proportional effect when I realized two things. First of all, he didn’t even look at my blog because that “mental illness” tag is pretty fucking hard to miss. Second, he had no idea what he was talking about.

It seems silly for me to say that mental illness can cause you to feel anything, everything, and all of it at once, but I feel as though I need to repeat myself. With mental illnesses you can wake up in an episode, you can slide into one with no apparent cause. You can end up in one for any reason at any time. There’s no direct cause and effect between emotions and triggers when you’re mentally ill.

Granted, stress can play a part in mental illness and sometimes tragic events can trigger episodes, but this is not always true. Even when stable, I find myself having disproportionate thoughts to events or losing myself in meaningless interactions that I put way too much emphasis on. It’s not something I do on purpose, it’s just what happens and when I really get going, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

And when it really comes down to it, I don’t think that I’m that much different from everyone else. Other people have bad moods and do ridiculous things for no apparent reason. Maybe they don’t even know the reason. But it’s hardly even fair to say that even in people with normal brain chemistry that no one ever has a feeling without having a direct cause for it.

The mind is a very tricky thing. As much as humans want to simplify it and qualify it, it just can’t be done. The brain will do it’s wild and wonderful things no matter if it makes sense to anyone or not. We’re not as in control of our minds as we want to think that we are.