Men of OKC: Opening Lines

It’s difficult to know what to say to a person on a dating website. How do you approach them? What will they respond to? Should you be funny, lighthearted, serious, sweet, romantic; what? Will they respond or will they just block you? Could you lose your chance to get to know someone based off of what you send in this simple message?

Of course, this is what normal people probably think before sending messages to people. What these men were thinking; I have no clue. Let’s see what messages I’ve gotten on OKCupid.

How to get yourself blocked really quickly




IMG_3447Do I really need to say anything? I mean, anything? At all. This is no way to make contact with someone on a dating website. Ever.

Dying to meet you


I would normally give him a pass on this. He’s a stranger and doesn’t know that I have a history of suicide attempts and suicidal ideation. But then I thought about it and I have my blog linked on my profile. My blog has several articles regarding this topic. So the information was out there and he could have seen it if he was more thorough. So yes, he doesn’t get a pass.

Anyway, writing that someone makes you want to kill yourself is normally a bad thing and when it’s a good thing, it hardly makes sense. How does killing yourself benefit me? Are you doing it to satisfy a curse that a wizard put on me? Will you write me into your will and leave me lots of money? Really, I’m stumped.

Men of few words


This is one of those instances where I’m at a loss for how to respond. And I always know how to respond to things. Just what do you say to one word messages like that? How is that starting a conversation or engaging anyone with you? It’s not. You just said one word. I could walk up to people and say one word to them other than “hi” or “hello” all the time and it wouldn’t make them want to talk to me. Why would it help you on a dating website?

The form letter


I get it. Internet dating is hard. Sometimes it seems easier to just write out one message and send it to 50 girls instead of looking at profiles and composing individual messages to each one. But here’s the thing; if you’re not willing to put even a minimal amount of effort into first contact, just how much effort are you willing to put into the dating itself? My guess is not a lot. When you are trying to make human contact, you need to recognize that you are communicating with other humans. And those humans don’t want to feel like they’re only worth a copy/paste.

The illiterate compliment



I’m not much of a Grammar Nazi, we all know this. But when you’re trying to make a good impression on someone, let alone someone you want to date, and that person just happens to have a degree in English, which you would have known if you had checked out her website, then you should really try to be grammatically correct. Also, I’ve found that most people who don’t really understand their own native language aren’t really that intellectually curious and engaging; something that I require for a date.

Dudes that think they’re being super witty and amusing


Really, dude? Am I supposed to swoon? Am I supposed to drop my panties right now? What in the world is that? How the fuck am I supposed to be turned on by someone that first mentions my breasts then asks me if I’ve won sports trophies? Some messages I get just blow my mind.

Small penis 2014-12-25 22-43-20


Okay, so obviously, if you have a small penis, this might be a drawback in dating. However, alerting every girl that you talk to, regardless of whether or not she is actually interested in sleeping with you, that you have a small penis is neither a good opening line, nor a good strategy in general. The man in this conversation started asking me my opinion on size in general, which I am not a size queen. Finally I just asked him what he was hoping to accomplish by doing this. The answer seemed self-defeating. 2014-12-25 22-55-42

I can just imagine when the grandkids come over, 45 years from now and they all ask grandma how she met granddad. Grandma gets a misty look in her eyes and gazes off into the distance. “Well, kids,” she starts, getting a little teary-eyed as she recounts the story. “Your granddad messaged me on a dating app and told me that he had a small penis. I knew right then and there that it was meant to be. When we first had sex, it was very apparent that it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean.”

The Perfect Message 2014-12-26 10-25-28

Okay, so I get messaged by a lot of creeps. One might be wondering how the hell people are supposed to communicate with me. Allow me to just show you this message. It’s perfect. First off, it’s written directly for me. Next, it’s clear that not only has this gentleman read my profile, but he has also read my blog, something that I provide the link for in my profile twice. He is funny, literate and has interesting questions to ask me.

This is essential the best first message that I’ve ever gotten. It took more than 10 seconds to compose it. It took more thought than saying “nice tits” or “hi, how are you”. But it got my attention, it got a response, and I am interested in learning more. Props to you, Ben. It’s not that hard to message girls on OKC.

So yes. Here are multiple examples of exactly what not to say to a woman on first contact. Go out into the world and learn from these men’s mistakes.

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4 thoughts on “Men of OKC: Opening Lines

  1. […] generalizations about everyone. Some men have high sex drives, some men have low sex drives, some men ask random girls on OkCupid for blow jobs, but, thankfully, most of them don’t. There should be no “normal” for sex, only […]

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