Bratz: Genie Magic: Magically Inappropriate, Part 3

banner_755This is a multi-part review of the Bratz’s movie, Genie Magic. To read all sections of this review, click here.

The story picks up later that night. Jade is on her date with Matt Rock. As predicted, he’s acting like a douchebag. He is going on about how he as more to offer than just his hot bod and face, all while he checks himself out in the back of a spoon. He informs her that he went from a model to a star actor and he might want to direct. He pauses to ask her what the original question was.

The original question was what he wanted to order. A waitress has been standing at the table, seemingly since he started his long-winded monologue and is just trying to get his food order in. He orders, then returns to talking about himself. He asks Jade if she’s seen his new movie, The Homekilling Queen.

Jade, however, is completely unaware of his total asshole status and seems to be completely enamored with him. She gushes about how much she loved the movie, but she doubted the realism about how accurate it is that you can get blood out of taffeta. Matt asks Jade if she’s ever thought about joining “the biz” and mentions that he can get her a job in a catering truck.

Back at Bratz HQ, Sasha enters to announce that she’s made it into the top 10 finalist for the DJ competition that she entered. Quick to think about her BFF, Cloe asks if she can use the wish since it looks like Sasha will win the competition. Yasmin promptly yells at her that no, she is going to help Cloe cram for her test and Yasmin is going to get her pet shelter.

Meanwhile, Katia is in an Arabian-themed room, ranting to a white cat. She says that she wants to move to Stilesville and have a boyfriend and have friends and do normal things that teenage girls do. She asks her magic fortune telling lamp if her dad will let her move to Stilesville and her lamp promptly responds, “Not gonna happen.” Which might seem weird, but this lamp is in fact part of the line of toys that accompanies this movie. The magic 8-ball/lamp also doesn’t think that her dad will let her friends come visit her there either.

Suddenly, the white cat disappears and Katia leaves her bottle. It has apparently been locked. How you lock a genie bottle, I have no idea. But that’s what’s happened.

Zel and Conn are at the command center looking at videos and images of Katia with the Bratz. Zel announces that they were in video cameras from different stores and lip readers said that they were talking about a slumber party. Which I’m sure they think is code for something highly subversive. Just then, Katia enters the hallway and overhears them talking.

Conn says that they need to track the Bratz down and ask if they have seen Katia use her powers. Zel asks why he cares when they’ll be taking over the world in a matter of hours. Yeah, why does it matter what the Bratz saw when he has all of these nondescript world domination plans? The Bratz don’t actually matter in the real world. But in this series, they are the fucking beginning and end of the real world, so they must be dealt with.

Quickly, Conn chastises Zel for doubting him. He says that if they know about Katia’s powers, then they have to be eliminated. For reasons. That he doesn’t go into. But I’m sure they’re really good reasons. Katia, who has been listening this entire time, gasps in horror. Strange how she seems to have been with these people for a really long time, but this is the first time she’s ever gotten the impression that they’re doing anything untoward.

Hearing her gasp, Conn and Zel run out into the hallway to see what’s going on. They find it empty, save for Katia’s white cat. Zel hisses at the cat, for some reason, and it runs away. The camera then pans up and Katia has been balancing herself on the ceiling with her amazing spidey powers.

Once the two are gone, she runs off down the hallway and goes to her dad’s study. She tries to talk to him, but he dismisses her and says that he’s busy. Katia blurts out that Conn and Zel have been using them and now they want to hurt her friends. Sebastian snaps at her for making up lies, then yells at her to go to her room.

Out of frustration, Katia storms off and runs back to her room. She then looks around and takes stock of her surroundings. She looks at her posters and wall coverings, then her eyes settle on the carpet on the floor. Because it’s… a magic carpet!

Cut to sometime later, a MIW (man in white) enters and sees one of his clones passed out on the floor and Katia is nowhere to be found. The MIW immediately hits the emergency button and sirens go off across the ship. Zel mutters, “that miserable brat.” Get it? Anyway, Katia is shown escaping on her flying magic carpet. Zel then alerts the clones in Stilesville on Conn’s orders to go after her.

One thing never very throughly explained her is Katia’s powers. Of course, nothing is really ever explained in a Bratz film, but of all the gaping plot holes, this is one of the more glaring ones. So far, Katia can teleport herself, grant wishes, tell the future, and she has a flying carpet. So what else can she do? We might never know.

Anyway, back at Cloe’s house, Yasmin is helping the blonde girl cram for her test. They casually mention something about the weather being crazy, as if they just fucking noticed it. Suddenly, the lights go off! Shock! Cloe opens the front door to see the MIW. They’ve come for the Bratz!

Meanwhile, Katia is walking around Stilesville. She packs her magic carpet up and puts it into a tiny handbag. So add the Mary Poppins handbag ability to the list. Then she sees the same Fortune Teller box and slips inside it again. For reasons. The girl that wished that her hair was a Mohawk comes over and uses the box. Because apparently no one in Stilesville has any common sense. But that would explain a lot about the Bratz.

The girl asks if her hair will grow out. Katia tells her, “eventually.” You needed to ask a fortune teller about that? Seriously? All hair grows. Even after you die. She then asks if she keeps it if it will make her more popular and Katia responds, “I don’t think so.” The girl asks if there is a layered haircut in her future and Katia states, “No.” Finally, she loses her patience and snaps that she’s going to remove all of the girl’s hair if she keeps asking questions about it.

This seems a bit cruel, when you think about it. The girl made a wish without realizing it and her hair was changed into an unconventional style, that she obviously didn’t like on herself and didn’t want. Now that she’s understandably upset that her hair was changed without her permission and is trying to figure out what to do with it and instead of having the least bit of compassion for the young woman, Katia threatens to make her bald.

Anyway, Katia leaves the fortune teller setup and runs to the juice bar where Bryce is apparently working. Where Cameron has been throughout this entire adventure, I have no idea. Anyway, Katia tells him that the girls are in trouble. Confused, Bryce says that he just heard Sasha on the radio for her final audition. Thinking quickly, he calls Jade and arranges to meet her.

In the next scene, the Bratz and Katia are wading through calf-deep water on the streets. Completely unconcerned that Stilesville seems to be fucking flooded, Katia apologizes to Sasha for taking her away from her DJ audition. Not even bothered, Sasha responds that her friends are more important. Because her friends are always more important. Than anything else.

Just then, Burdine drives by in her hot pink car, which is halfway submerged in water and wouldn’t even be drivable. Sasha wishes, offhandedly, that she had an umbrella. When she realizes what she’s done, she immediately regrets it. An umbrella appears in her hand and Jade chastises her using yet another wish on something trivial. Sasha tries to give the umbrella back to Katia, but the genie girl informs her that thems the rules and there’s no backsies in the genie world.

In the next scene, the girls are still trekking through the rain. No one wondering what the hell is going on with the weather. While the girls have a regular lack of intellectual curiosity, I find this staggering even for them. They get to Cloe’s house and see that the front doors are wide open and no one is at home. Jade comments that this is just like the scene from The Homekilling Queen. Which seems to promise that one, or all, of the Bratz are going to die. Sadly, the movie fails to deliver.

Katia looks down and sees the ESA logo in a boot print outside of the house. Suddenly, someone enters. The girls all try to leverage attacks on the person, but they are completely harmless. Not to worry though! They’re not in danger of any kind. The mysterious person is actually Byron Powell.animated0021

The movie picks up with Byron at his computer stating that he has something to show everyone. It turns out that Conn and Zel aren’t with the Earth Safety Association at all! I know, right? Who knew? Byron pauses for a second, wishing that his computer screen was larger. And yes, then Katia makes it larger and he has used his wish without meaning it. Katia granting wishes seems to be really rather pointless. Only Zel and the bad guys have managed to use wishes when they actually intended to.

Anyway, Byron reveals that Conn is the founder of the ESA, Evil Scientists Association. It’s an organization dedicated to use science for malevolent purposes. Sort of like an evil fraternity for nerds, or something? I don’t quite get it and no one ever explains. Katia asks aloud how she could ever have helped them. Sasha announces that these people are off of her party list. No one really cares about that, though.

Byron tells Katia that the wishes she has granted is wreaking havoc on the world’s weather. He shows her a news report saying that the weather everywhere is going crazy. Which, seems strange, as it’s been made out that this has been ongoing for a while, and people are just noticing this now? We live in the days of instant communication. It wouldn’t be that slow for news like this to travel.

As the girls look on in horror, Byron tells them that Conn is forcing governments to pay him in order to stop the destruction. He finishes by declaring that he’s using the weather to take over the world. Which, he’s not really. He’s using the weather to extort money. He’s not being put in any position of power. While money does always equate to power, he’s not really dominating the world, so to speak.

Byron announces that he was on board the ship where Katia and her dad are being held and was about to rescue her when she left and set off all of the alarms. He also shares that the evil scientists have kidnapped Cloe and Yasmin. He finishes by telling Sasha and Jade that they have to keep Katia safe and hidden. Because why put her in police protection when you have teenage girls to trust?

Creepily, Byron asks the girls if they still have their spy equipment. And if that’s not bad enough, he hands Bryce a comb that pulls apart to reveal a choke wire. Byron then says that he’s counting on the group of inept teenagers and walks off. If he had set them the task of arranging a fashion show, then fair play. But he’s asking them to protect a teenage girl from an army of clones and evil people.

Back on the ESA boat, things are going badly for Yasmin and Cloe. They have been secured in restraints, standing up. Yasmin passionately shouts, “You can’t keep us here! We know our constitutional rights!” As if they actually do or there’s any reason why the girls should think that the MIW are acting in any kind of official capacity or any of this bullshit makes even the slightest bit of sense.

Conn tells the girls that they can leave after they answer some questions. Cloe then pipes up that they’re clearly not from the government. Which Conn responds to condescendingly by saying, “Ooo, you’re a regular junior Einstein-ess, aren’t you?” Einstein-ess. Whatever. Zel then slaps patches on both of the girls and announces that the patches are truth serum. Conn then orders the teenagers to tell them everything they know. Zel reminds him that the serum takes a while to work. The guards then take Cloe and Yasmin to the lab.

Zel then starts to go over the footage from the mall security cameras again that show Katia shopping with the Bratz. Sebastian enters carrying a handful of papers and sees Katia laughing and smiling and realizes that she was happy with her vapid friends. He points out that they should find the Bratz because they might know where Katia is. Conn then knocks the papers out of Sebastian’s hands and changes the channel. He assures the father that they’re doing everything that they can do find her.

Sebastian then notices what’s going on with the weather on the channel that Conn has turned the monitor to. Conn flips the channel once more and explains that that was a before image of what was going on before they used their magic genie wishes. The images of the calm setting that the TV is showing now are the after images. Sebastian looks at both of them strangely.

Sometime later, Zel sneaks outside of Sebastian’s room and applies something to his door. She explains that when he enters his study, the door will lock behind him and the temperature will lower until it reaches freezing. And then he’ll die. Well, not quite. Zel shares, “He’ll be at work for all eternity. His dream come true.” No one ever said that the Bratz universe was scientifically accurate or anything.

Just then the MIW that Zel was talking to hears something from his earbud. He points down the hall and the two leave after Zel finishes setting the trap. After they walk away, Sebastian comes up and is about to trip the device when he stops and says that he can’t work at a time like this. He goes into Katia’s room and sees that her bottle has been locked up.

Meanwhile, outside in the storm the girls and Bryce swoop down in the magic carpet to a place in Stilesville where the once-flooded roads are completely dry. Katia tells the girls that the carpet can fly close to 100 mph, depending on the headwinds. She orders the carpet to split and it does so, into four separate mini-carpets. Katia hops onto one, then the teenagers fly off into the sky. Jade asks if there’s a steering wheel, which should be obvious. Katia tells her that it’s just like skateboarding; it’s all about balance. Too bad Cloe isn’t here. She’s really good at skateboarding for no explainable reason.

Sebastian, who seems to have slipped past the ESA himself, is now by the juice bar. He asks the boyfriend and girlfriend from earlier if they’ve seen Katia. They both point to the fortune teller booth. Which seems a little insulting. But I’m not going to be that worried about it at this point.

Back on the ship, Cloe and Yasmin are still trapped and still ineffectually freaking out. Cloe worries that she’ll never get a date with Marven Grouper. Which Yasmin explains is her nerdy next door neighbor. Which apparently would be uncool. Although no one points out that the “hot” guys they usually go for have a 100% rate of turning into friendships that never go anywhere or being complete douchebags. A change might be a welcome thing for the girls.

But moving on; Yasmin tells her blonde friend that if she goes out on a date, she shouldn’t wear her orange sweater because it makes her look like a goldfish. The girls ponder why they’re saying all of these truthful things and then realize that indeed, the truth serum has started to work! On cue, Zel and Conn enter. Conn inquires about seeing Katia’s magical powers and the girls admit that they saw her in action and so did Bryce, Dylan, Sasha and Jade.

Thinking that they’re done, the girls attempt to leave. But Conn blocks their way. He announces that he needs more brainless people to work for him. He excludes Zel from this label. Possibly because she’s standing right there. Cloe then fires back, “Excuse me, but we are so NOT brainless.” With no sense of irony. Zel laughs and says threateningly, that they will be soon. Just then, a MIW arrives and Conn tells them to prepare the girls for a “mind sweep”.

Are you nearly as excited as I am that the Bratz will have their memories erased? Will the rest of this movie be about them relearning how to be human and actually become better people because of it? Would that have been a better ending than what’s guaranteed to actually happen?

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