This is a multi-part review of the Bratz’s movie, Genie Magic. To read all sections of this review, click here.
It’s the big climactic finish! Kind of. I mean, you know everything is going to work out and the girls are going to be best of friends and there will be another pointless Bratz song to sum it all up. But let’s pretend for a second that this series is actually capable of making something suspenseful.
There’s then a short clip of Katia, Bryce and the other two Bratz arriving back on the ship. The scene then switches to Conn and Zel’s lab. The money is being transferred into Conn’s account. He claims that his account is going to have a balance of 50 trillion dollars. Which, I’m pretty sure, is enough to buy a full set of Wedgwood dishes for 12. Maybe you’d have to leave the gravy boat stand. Anyway, Conn brags that he’s going to rule the world and Zel just rolls her eyes. I wonder what her paycheck for this is going to be.
Zel says that they should go check on Sebastian. Suddenly, an alarm goes off and Conn sees the Bratz and friends walking down the hallway. He announces that Sebastian can wait and says that he will deal with Cloe and Yasmin. He wants Zel to take care of Sasha, Jade, Katia, and Bryce.
Just then, Katia enters the study and almost sets off the alarm. Katia suggests to the other teenagers that they split up, even though no one else knows their way around the ship, it’s crawling with bad guys and cameras and all around looks like a confusing place. Before this horrible idea can be shot down, the movie skips to a scene of a convoy of cars approaching the base. Conn sees it coming and presses a button. This button detonates the bridge that they were driving across.
It’s then revealed that it’s Bryon leading the pack. He slams on the breaks and avoids going into the drink. The other cars rear end him and each other and end up in a huge pile-up. Byron’s airbag goes off and from the safety of his lair, Conn laughs at all of them.
Conn heads out into a hallway where he runs into Jade and Sasha. The two girls take out their lipsticks and start to reapply them. The MIW approach the girls and the two Bratz turn their lipsticks onto the clones. It’s not just regular lip color at all! It’s laser gun spy girl lip color! Because the Bratz can be secret agents while picking out lipsticks that won’t be too orange. The girls leave the MIW a pink mess and move on. Another door opens and more MIW step out. Unfortunately, it looks like the girls are all out of lipstick lasers.
Meanwhile, Zel has Yasmin and Cloe tied up. Yasmin is about to wish her and her friend out of this disaster when metal clamps over her mouth and hands. A strange metallic cylinder comes down over top of them. It’s all very bondage like and slightly disturbing. Zel then announces that the brain erasing process has begun. And seeing as this is two of the Bratz that we’re talking about, I can’t imagine that it will take that long.
Captain Exposition, otherwise known as Zel, then announces that all will remain for the Bratz are physical capabilities. The brain erased girls won’t even be able to talk or answer simple questions. Katia then enters with Bryce and Zel tries to keep up the charade that she and Conn have been pulling off for ages now, by pretending that they are happy to see her. Katia, however, is not buying it.
She demands that her friends are released. The two teenagers run up to their captured friends but neither of them can hear them through the glass that they’re encased in. Just then, they see two MIW in back of them and they spring into action! Bryce takes his expandable comb and wraps it around some kind of heater, using it to knock one out. Then Katia pushes a rolling chair over to the other one and trips him. He hits his head on the ground and is rendered unconscious before he dies from the bleeding in his brain. He had almost learned to love, that clone. He had been so close.
Zel grabs a briefcase from one of the table and tries to run off, but Bryce points her out. Katia states that they have to stop the machine that is currently erasing Yasmin and Cloe’s memories. The machine reads that it’s 89% finished now. So the Bratz should be even more unintelligent than normal.
In another part of the ship, Jade and Sasha casually beat up some MIW in a hallway. Just then, Conn runs into Katia’s room and sees her bottle. Dun, dun, DUN!
Back with Cloe and Yasmin, the counter is getting higher and higher and Katia has no idea how to turn it off. She starts hitting buttons on the console, and it seems that it’s all to no avail, when the machine switches off. She looks behind her and sees that Bryce is holding the plug. Good thing a man was there to figure that shit out. By this point, the memory erasure counter is at 100%. 100%, everyone. These bitches should be mindless, simpering dolts. I mean, even more so than usual.
The now shut down machine releases both of the girls and they faint to the floor. Everyone waits in anticipation for the Bratz to be even more tedious than they usually are, when Cloe gets up and starts spouting random facts about geography. Yasmin gets up as well and says that they’re both fine. Cloe mentions that she will now get an A on her test.
I have some questions about this section. You can clearly see in the display that the machine had reached 100%. But yet, not only did it not erase their memories, like it was supposed to, it triggered some kind of recall in Cloe that is now going to help her ace her geography test. What the hell kind of machine is this? I have to admit that I was very disappointed that the Bratz did not have their memories erased.
Anyway, Conn runs into the room and realizes that they managed to stop the machine. He comments that they’re more resourceful than he thought. Which, really? He doubted they could figure out how to unplug something? His expectations for them are even lower than mine. Regardless, he reaches into his jacket and pulls out Katia’s bottle. He lifts it like he’s going to break it. Katia gasps.
For some reason, Conn now seems to think that Bratz crew has the upper hand. He demands that he and Zel can leave peacefully. Katia demands to know where he dad is, but Conn tells her that he doesn’t know. Cloe says that they can wish for her dad to be conjured up. Which sounds really uncomfortable.
But then Sasha and Jade rush in and announce that they can’t because Sasha, the dolt, wishes for an umbrella. Their unending fight about the wishes resumes and Cloe shouts at her. Yasmin calls for peace and points out the obvious; that they’ve been fighting about this non-stop. And they’re supposed to be BFFs and all that bullshit. Jade tells the girls, “Better to make our dreams come true on our own anyway.” Which is a sentiment I would be more on board with if their dreams all didn’t revolve around clothes and dates.
Conn then reminds them that he still has Katia’s bottle and he will break if he doesn’t get to leave quietly. Which really makes you wonder how he went from an adult in total control of himself to pleading with a bunch of brainless teenagers. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. And the people who write Bratz films are completely unable to pen an even moderately realistic sequence of events.
At the end of his rope, Conn then tells the teenage genie that the Bratz only like her because of her magical powers. The girls all quickly jump in to dispel this notion. To even further prove their point, Yasmin wishes that Katia’s father is back in his study, using up the girls’ last wish. Sebastian is then transported back to his room. But, unfortunately for the girls, this trips the laser and door closes behind him, making the temperature drop rapidly. He sits down and starts to shiver.
Then, Conn explains his deep freeze plan and mocks the girls for being so instrumental in sealing his fate. Bryce, being the only proactive member of the party right now, leaps into action and ties Conn up with his choke wire comb. The genie bottle flies out of Conn’s hand when Bryce takes him down and Katia jumps into the air to save it.
Conn then completely loses all dignity and starts to beg his teenage captures to not hurt him. He claims that it was all Zel. Ignoring him, Jade offers to go break Sebastian out of his study and Katia says that it’s too late. She has to break her bottle in order to reverse the wish and save her dad. The Bratz tell her to think about it. Possibly because they still have geography tests and dates to go on. Conn screams no, as this will undo everything that he’s done in order to dominate the world. Although, at this point, he already has the money, so why would be care anyway? Not to mention that HE was just threatening to break the bottle himself. So why would be have previously offered to do something that he is now claiming to be so detrimental to himself? But Katia is resolute. She says it’s the only way. She throws the bottle and it shatters.
In France, the weather goes back to normal. Sebastian is transported out into the woods where he was running before he landed back into his study. Bryce turns into a frog, then back into a boy. Jade tells the genie that she got her wish; she’s a normal teenage girl now. Katia asks the Bratz if they will still like her. The girls assure her that they will. Bryce comments that he likes her even better now that she can’t turn him into a frog. Which, really, should not be something that your friendship rests on.
Now that the Bratz are distracted by all of their feels, Conn sneaks out of the room and he presses a button on a control panel before ripping the entire panel off the wall. Which, if you ask me, a console that you can destroy with your bare hands? Probably not that well built to begin with. But anyway, Conn runs out of the room and the doors start to close.
Thinking quickly, Yasmin throws a chair and stops the doors from closing all the way. All of the girls and Bryce manage to get out of the room before the doors close on them, Indiana Jones style. Cloe then orders the others to stop Conn and she and Yasmin will find a way out.
There’s something I’ve noticed in Bratz media. When the girls split up, it always turns out that they put Yasmin with Cloe and Sasha with Jade. Why? Why do the girls always do this? Is there something about their friendship that is deeper between those two pairs? It happens too fucking often for it to be a coincidence. Although, I wouldn’t put it past Bratz media staff to do this just because it’s been done before and it’s familiar and safe. Back to the story.
Zel has completed the money transfer. Conn then runs in and greet her like nothing that happened in the last half hour has actually happened. Zel punches him in the nose. Conn wakes up handcuffed to a pipe on the wall. Zel then informs him that she now has access to his bank account and as such, he’s no use to her anymore. She leaves him and runs off. The Bratz then run in, just after he leaves and Conn tries to convince them to remove his handcuffs. At this point, I’m starting to think that he just has a thing about pleading with teenage girls. But the teenagers see that Zel is heading towards the helipad and they run off after her.
Climbing aboard the helicopter, which is piloted by a MIW, Zel is carrying a laptop. She yells out to the Bratz; “Ciao, girls. Too bad you caught me on the fly.” Sasha retorts, “We’ll show you fly, sista!” Which is really just offensive to all two-celled organism. Possibly one-celled. I’m not sure. They’re hard to communicate with.
Sasha and Jade take Bryce’s comb and separate it. They wrap one end to a pipe and the other end to the leg of the helicopter. Jade then runs up a conveniently/dangerously placed crane head and jumps onto the legs of the helicopter. The wire then breaks and the vehicle leaves, with Jade still attached.
In the copter, Zel tells the MIW to go get rid of Jade. She takes control of the helicopter as the MIW opens the door. He tries to grab Jade, but she wraps her legs around his neck and throws him into the water below. He was dead upon impact. No one came to his funeral. Jade gets into the cockpit, on the opposite side of where Zel is situated, and Zel tries to lose her. But Jade just takes the laptop and jumps out of the cab, towards the water. Katia grabs Jade with her magic carpet.
Zel goes after them in order to get the laptop. She follows the carpet into an industrial area filled with shipping containers, as the girls try to lose her. The carpet then splits into two, one girl on each section. Jade throws Katia the laptop and Zel goes after the former genie. Jade then uses her carpet to cover the cockpit’s windshield and blinds Zel. Then she transfers over to Katia’s carpet and the two teens fly off.
Managing to get the magic carpet from blocking her view, Zel pulls it away, just in time to see Sasha moving the crane. Where Sasha learned how to operate a large piece of machinery is never mentioned. The helicopter hits the top of the crane and spins out of control. It crashes to the ground, killing Zel instantly. The girls celebrate their enemy’s bloody demise. They then observe Katia and see that she’s not nearly as happy about Zel’s death as they are. Katia admits that she’s worried about her dad.
Just then, she hears Sebastian call her name! The two are reunited and the father tells his child that he has failed her and he wants her to be happy. He says that he will do whatever it takes. Which, making a teenage girl happy? Not as simple as it sounds. Katia is so excited to see that her father has done a complete one-eighty since a few hours ago. She then admits that she destroyed her bottle in order to save her dad. Sebastian is touched.
Back on the boat, Bryon and the other authorities have arrived. They put Conn into handcuffs and lead him away. Sasha tells him that Zel got away. Even though she’s clearly dead. Without even considering that, she says that they have the laptop. Bryon tells them that they did a good job. But he can’t stay around and celebrate, he has to be off. He bids them adieu until next time.
Sometime later, the girls are at someone’s house. Yasmin gets off of the phone and announces that Byron just got the network that his latest show is on to donate to her pet shelter. The girls then all apologize to each other for being such bitches about everything. Which is something that they constantly do and never seem to learn from. Particularly Sasha. It turns out that Cloe got an A on her geography test and Sasha got the DJ internship.
The girls ask how the movie premiere that Matt took Jade to was and, surprise, surprise, she tells him that it was the worst. Apparently Matt waxes his legs. So she had to dump him. Which seems strange and hypocritical. The girls are way into needless beauty procedures. Why would they be disgusted that a guy does some of the same grooming that they do? Also, this once again goes back to the dichotomy that guys in the Bratz world are either ride or die friends or complete douchebags. But they’re not concerned. Yasmin points out that they have a show to do.
The next scene starts with the Bratz on stage, in some kind of open-air concert, all in their genie-inspired costumes. Which you can buy with the dolls. They sing and dance to their song “All Together”. The camera shows a strangely sexualzed shot which depicts the teen girls from neck to knees, including their wiggling asses and breasts. It’s weird. The girls dance and lip sync a little. Then they get onto the magic carpet and fly around the stage. Which everyone is totally cool with.
In the crowd, Bryce is hanging out with Katia. He wishes for a soda and Katia pulls on her ear. Then a dude hands Bryce a soda. I’m not sure what happened there, but it’s the end of the movie, so who really gives a fuck?
The final shot is of the Bratz cast dancing in the crowd. Sebastian dances with Burdine, Byron plays with his dog, the Tweevils are there, dancing with each other. Even some of the Men in White, who apparently weren’t arrested or detained after Conn and Zel were disposed of, dance to the cheesy pop music with wild abandon.
And that’s it. That’s Genie Magic. Looking back over the insane adventure, it really strikes me as odd that the series went as far to culturally appropriate facets from other cultures but then put them all into a blender and hit puree and slap the completely demolished, chopped up nonsense onto the small screen and hope it helps to sell dolls.
But really, that’s all of the consideration that you can expect from the Bratz team. All they care about is moving units and fuck culture, sensitivity, or logic. They know that their audience (little girls) has no concept of these three things and therefore are not even slightly worried about them. It’s more of the same from this awful, insipid series.
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