I talked a little previously about a particularly skeezy ex-boyfriend. I realize this doesn’t narrow down the blog or the boyfriend for most people, so I’ll be even more specific. I wrote about Joe. A 35-year-old man that I dated when I was 19. I met him when I was 13 and he seemed very interested in the fact that I was underage when we were first acquainted. Although we only first met after I became legal and certainly had no sexual contact before then, it became rather disturbingly apparent that he was more than just noticed that I was barely a teenager when we met.
When I was a child, we would communicate via ICQ, mIRC, MSN Messenger, and email. On one occasion I asked him to help me with a scene that I was writing and was stuck on. It was part of a story that later became Scars. I roleplayed the female character and he was the male character. The goal of the scene was for the female character to open up to the male character about her painful past. As the scene played out it became quite clear to me, years later, that what we were doing was not wholly appropriate. But as a teenager, I didn’t think anything of it and was more than happy to roleplay other scenes with him. These became even more inappropriate. Eventually it just turned into cyber sex.
When you’re younger, you don’t really think of the legal ramifications of what you’re doing. Because you’re silly and immature. This is supposed to be the job of the adult in the situation and this adult did nothing to stop it. If anything, he encouraged it. I trusted him, thought he was a good guy, and saw no reason to stop anything because he was okay with it, so why shouldn’t I be?
Once I was of legal age we started “dating”, if you want to call it that, we had phone sex due to the 3000 miles worth of distance between us. I don’t remember a lot of our roleplays, other than I thought most of them were boring and pointless, but one he wanted to do was I was the underage neighbor and he was the guy in the neighborhood with a pool. At the time it struck me as a little off, but I was 19 and didn’t know better, so went along with it.
Then there was a conversation we had over MSN Messenger. He told me how aroused he was by the thought that I was underage when we met. Keep in mind, I was 13 when we met. Ever the pragmatist, I pointed out to him that we couldn’t have done anything if we had met in person because I was underage and sexual contact between us would have been illegal. He then responded with, “If the cop didn’t see me, then I didn’t do it.” Disgusted, I signed off to go to bed. He never brought it up again, but it more than weirded me out.
When I was younger, it never occurred to me that the attentions of older men were not just inappropriate, they were downright creepy. Being that young and inexperienced, I found it flattering that older guys were interested in me. But the truth is, no grown man should be that interested in teenagers. Even when I became of legal age, I was still naive and immature. A person in their 30s should have had no interest in dating someone that they had so much more experience than.
There’s a biology element to this. Men seek out younger mates because they want someone that is fertile and can have healthy children. It’s a subconscious thing though. Consciously, men should not be aroused by the idea that the person they’re with is inexperienced and easily taken advantage of. A man that can’t conduct a relationship with a woman his own age clearly has more problems than just being single.
In the end, we broke up, not because of his attraction to my youth, but because he was smothering me. From 3,000 miles away, the man managed to smother me with his controlling nature and utter over-attentiveness. After we broke up, he took the mature route and started claiming that his friends were dying and trying to illicit sympathy from me. The last time I spoke to him, in 2006. He was complaining about life being difficult, yet again.
When I asked him what was wrong now, he became offended and informed me that he had to watch one of his co-workers die before signing off in anger. At that point, I was a little older and a little wiser about people, so I realized that he was lying. People just don’t drop like flies all the time and this was the third death he was reporting in about 6 months. Also, watching a co-worker die? It sounds just dramatic enough for him to have made it up. I took him off all of my contact lists and have not spoken to him since. I don’t intend to anytime soon.