The Indoor Adventures of Happy Cat: The Invader, Part 1

1.5.15 475December 16, 2014

11:01am

The personal petter came in to pet me and tell me what a good boy I am. I am a good boy. I know. But then she told me that she was going to bring over a friend for me. A friend who would live in the TV room for a few weeks while her owner was away. While I know the abject pain and rejection that accompanies an owner heartlessly leaving you, I do not want a friend. I do not need one. And I certainly don’t want another cat in my house.

I expressed my displeasure at this idea to my petter by biting her arm and kicking at her with my back paws. I don’t think she got the hint though because she just told me to be gentle and then left. There was no acknowledgment that she just said a terrible thing to me and she would not go through with this awful idea.

December 17, 2014

2:34pm

THERE IS ANOTHER CAT IN THE HOUSE! THERE IS ANOTHER CAT IN THE HOUSE! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! MAN THE BATTLE STATIONS! I REPEAT; THERE IS ANOTHER CAT IN THE HOUSE!

5:01pm

So, I finally calmed down. I can barely stand to describe what happened to me. The petter brought this monstrosity into the house with her. I saw the little cat under the chest of drawers in the living room at first. I hissed at her right away. She told me that they had just given her a flea bath and she had managed to escape with only her life. But I didn’t care. Those are MY chest of drawers in MY house with MY humans giving her a bath in MY kitchen sink.

I told her to get out and she said that she couldn’t. Likely story. I tried to ask her other questions but mom grabbed me and shoved me upstairs. I protested very deeply when I saw my personal petter grab the other cat and take her into the TV room. Didn’t she know where she was? Didn’t she know who I was? Why is this happening to me?

9:10pm

I have learned that the other cat’s name is Meowface. What kind of asshole named her that? Meowface. That’s not a real cat name. I have so much less respect for her now than before when I had absolutely no respect for her.

The personal petter is delighted to have this cat in the house. She keeps talking about how “cute” she is and other crap like that. Um, excuse me?! How can you call another cat cute when I am right here? Right here and in need of more pettings! Humans are such horrible creatures.

December 19, 2014

6:45am1.5.15 510

I am plotting my next move. Clearly, this cat, this Meowface, is a formidable opponent and I will need to deal with her in a special way. The petter has kept her segregated in the TV room. Probably for her own safety. I can hear her meowing during the morning sometimes. She keeps asking where she is and what kind of place this is. But I’m not answering her.

She will learn the hard way that I am the king of this house and everyone who wants to speak to me needs to take it up with my catnip mouse jester before… Oh no….

She’s in the TV room with my closet kingdom! That’s where my armies and my mouses and everything else is! What if she gets in there and begins to rule it and screws everything up?! Which, of course, she will. She’s such a young and inexperienced cat, she has no idea how to handle the pressures of ruling. Oh, this is a disaster.

10:10am

So I went down to the TV room door and shouted at Meowface that she wasn’t allowed into my closet kingdom. She told me that she spent the night there and my kingdom is now made up of her royal subjects. I told her that this is unforgivable and she should prepare for war. She said I should bring my best and some extra litter.

Clearly, she is unreasonable and must be dealt with quickly.

December 22, 2014

3:32pm

I just got up from my mid-afternoon nap. It was quite relaxing. I mean, sure, there’s another cat in the house. But she has the run of three rooms. I have far more than that. Including all of the beds in the house. The blue love seat in the TV room is no match for two queen beds piled high with pillows and blankets, all willing to keep me warm.

In a way, I feel sorry for her. She’s just in there with the closet and I have so much of my own. I mean, my owners are also here and didn’t heartlessly abandon me. There’s some kind of human holiday coming up and I have both mom and my petter to celebrate with me. Granted, dad is gone, but that just means more space on the bed for me and more quality time with mom.

Still, I should go see her and let her know all of this. I mean, it’s not fair to her if she doesn’t know quite how well I have it and how much her living arrangements are lacking in comparison. I should really inform her. This might help adjust her attitude problem.

December 23, 2014

12:00pm

My paw shakes as I write this. I was determined to go tell Meowface just what I thought of her, in person. I waited until the petter was walking out of the TV room and then I moved! I raced into the room and started to announce to Meowface just how unwelcomed she was in this house and before I could even finish the first sentence of my prepared speech that I spent all morning practicing, she bapped me in the face!

Just like that! I ran in and BAM! Right in my face!

I was so shocked that I couldn’t even continue my speech. She just started hissing at me and telling me to get out of her room. HER room?! The petter grabbed me before I could enlighten this impertinent cat as to what was really going on in this situation. I protested to my petter, but she stuck me on the stairs and then went to go see Meowface again. How dare that cat.

This isn’t over.

To read more in the Adventures of Happy Cat, click here.

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