Did you miss Part 1 of this adventure? Click here to catch up, you lazy human!
December 25, 2014 (Christmas or something)
My personal petter told me last night that today is Christmas and I will be getting catnip. I guess I have to wait until they get up though. I came downstairs to enjoy my nip and there was none on the floor where it usually is. I wonder if they will give some to Meowface. I hope not. She’s so young. She doesn’t need nip. I’m an old man with thinning hair. *I* need the nip.
I will go down and tell Meowface about this in person. Although she might be asleep now. Some cats just think that they can sleep all day until their petters come home. So lazy.
So I took a quick catnap before going downstairs. I got to the closed TV room door and I paused. I heard Meowface singing. She has such a beautiful voice! Suddenly, my anger and resentment of her all slipped away. I was entranced by her sweet mews. I called out to her and told her that she had the voice of an angelcat!
And then she told me to get lost. I sat outside of the TV room and just listened to her sing some more. I want to meet her again and see her in the fur. I can feel a longing in my heart already. I think I’m in love.
The petter is back from work and she has disappeared to go see Meowface. She took the catnip with her. I hope Meowface enjoys it. I sat quietly outside of the door listening to the sound of her paws scampering back and forth. I called out to her to chase the purple puff ball, but I don’t think she heard me. I hope she’s enjoying her nip.
December 27, 2014
I wrote Meowface a poem. I’m going to practice reciting it a bit, then I’m going to go woo her from beyond the TV room door. It’s so hard to recite poetry! I have to get the inflection just right. I want her to hear all of my emotions. I want her to know just how deep my feelings run. I must convince her to love me!
Here’s my poem:
Meowface, the name of an angelcat,
I love her little paws and that
She’s so dainty, little soft kitty
I never thought I would meet someone so pretty
Be mine, Meowface, I will love you so
You have to say you love me, I have to know
This has to work! It just has to! Meowface must be my girlfriend!
I am a lost cat!
Meowface has rejected me. She laughed at my poem, she mocked the words that sprung from my very soul! She crushed my heart under her dainty paws and then kicked litter onto it. Was there every such a distraught cat as I?!
I stood outside of the door and recited my poem to her. I didn’t hear anything so I called to her and asked her what she thought and she said that she had dozed off as soon as she heard my voice. So I repeated my poem. Then she laughed at me! She said she had never heard something so silly in her entire life. She said that I was treating her like a love object just because she was female and that I didn’t respect for the womanly lady cat that she was. She then talked about smashing the patriarchy. Which I had always thought was some kind of couch cushion, but from the way she was talking about it, I think it’s something else.
I will go back to bed now and try to sleep off this nightmare. Maybe when I awake she will have rethought her position and realized that we belong together. Yes, that has to happen.
Meowface still does not love me. But I am determined to see her again. She didn’t get a good look at me the first time. I’m sure if she sees me again that she will realize what a beautiful cat I am and how much I deserve her love. That has to work. I have been writing more poetry, but I can hardly recite it to her anymore, since she doesn’t seem to appreciate poetry.
I went down to the TV room door the other day and asked her if she was alright and needed me to get her anything. She said that she wanted sledgehammer. I asked her what in the world that she was going to do with that and she said that she was going to go smash the patriarchy. What in the world is this patriarchy? It must be really bad if Meowface wants to smash it so much.
I thought — No wait, that’s it! I need to go help her smash the patriarchy! Then she will love me!
Okay, so I’m not going to smash the patriarchy. I asked Meowface what the patriarchy was exactly and she said that it’s a societal construct that puts men in charge of everything and oppresses women and lady cats. I pointed out to her that I was a male cat, so I would be benefiting from said societal construct, so it’s not in my best interest to smash it. She then called me a sexist and said that I was part of the problem. I told her that the only problem I was part of was putting cat hair on everything in the house.
January 1, 2015
It’s a new year, apparently. My personal petter invited some weird person over and they cooked plants and ate them as if that was a normal thing to do. Then they toasted to the new year and she told me happy new year when she was going to bed. Since I have just learned that this is a new year I have decided to make changes to my life.
I should no longer be the docile cat that takes rejection while I sit on my hindlegs. I should show Meowface how beautiful I am and how much I have to offer her. She needs to know that I am not a cat to be easily turned down! I am a beautiful kitten that deserves love and pettings and fresh kibble every time I meow!
I am out of breath! I followed my personal petter into the TV room and tried to approach Meowface. She lunged at me and chase me around the coffee table, threatening to kick my ass for being a sexist swine! How unreasonable is this cat? Thankfully my petter grabbed me before she could harm a hair on my beautiful fluff. My petter carried me out of the room and told me never to do that again. She said that Meowface was not my girlfriend.
But she is my girlfriend! We were meant to be together! I know we were! We are cats of destiny and we must love each other!
January 4, 2015
I am on the rack of love. I have been here for several days now. Every morning I go downstairs to listen to Meowface sing with her angelcat voice. I call to her and tell her that I love her and she yells back something about respecting her as a woman cat and not forcing my sexual objectification on her. I don’t even understand what she says half the time. I just know that I love her and I want to be with her.
My petter told me last night that Meowface is going to be gone in a few days because her owner is coming back. I tried to correct my petter that no one “owns” Meowface because she is a strong, beautiful calico that don’t need no man. But my petter wasn’t paying attention to me. She is so oppressive.
January 6, 2015
I am laying in front of the door to the TV room just listening to Meowface sing. She’s so beautiful. Why won’t she love me? Why must she torture me like this? I just want to be her boyfriendcat. I want to have her worship me and serve me and show me how much she loves me on a daily basis. Is that so wrong? Is that so hard? All cats need love. And I am no different.
January 9, 2015
I came downstairs to find the TV room door open. I thought that maybe someone had gotten careless or Meowface had escaped, but I looked around and I couldn’t find her. She is definitely gone. I went back to my closet kingdom. She had made a bed for herself in the coats. She had arranged my mouses and jesters in order and even added some new fluff balls that had been lying around the place to the ranks.
But none of this calms my heart. She’s gone. She’s gone away. And I have no one now. I am a cat alone. Devoid of love and attention. I have nothing. Nothing.
I forgot how much I love my personal water trough in the downstairs bathroom. It’s so fun! I’m so glad Meowface is gone. I really like hopping onto the bathroom counter and getting water whenever I want it.
To read more in the Adventures of Happy Cat, click here.