[Image: a multi-colored heartbeat that comes up into the shape of a cartoon heart.]
Back again? Looks like it’s time for Tempest Lucki to turn your boring old regular day into a super, fantastic amazing day! No need to thank me; it’s just what I do. Read on and find out all of the things that you’ve been missing out on your entire life!
Tempest’s Advice Line
(M and Tempest enter the studio, each holding a cup of steeping tea. M has her iPad and Tempest is texting one-handed on her cell phone. The two start to walk towards the set.)
M: Hey Tempest, I was thinking that we should do a Tila Tequila special next month, in the middle of my reviews of her book.
Tempest: Why? Everyone knows she only wishes that she were me.
M: I want to compare your advice to hers and see what happens.
Tempest: Do you want me to end all of my advice threatening to knock out someone’s girlfriend with big titties?
M: I mean, you could. I’m not going to stop you. It’s just a fun way to promote the Tila Tequila book review through the site.
Tempest: When am I going to get my own book?
M: Let’s not get greedy, Tempest…
Tempest: Greedy nothing. I’ve seen the original Chess story. It was awful. Melanie and Prisma both have really good stories and what do I have? Nothing. It’s not fair.
M: I don’t know if the world could survive you having your own story.
(The camera people and the Producer enter and start to get set up.)
Producer: Okay girls, we have some information back from our ratings and unfortunately, things are not looking good. We need more cleavage from Tempest and M needs to talk less.
Tempest: I could do this episode topless!
Producer: Excellent! Good thinking, Tempest!
(Tempest pulls her halter top off and shakes out her breasts. M facepalms.)
M: Why, even in my fantasies, is everyone an asshole?
Tempest: Your fantasies are just preparation for real life.
Producer: Are you ready, girls?
Tempest: Yeah, let’s do this! (Rubs one of her breasts seductively.)
(The Producer signals to the camera person and they signal to Tempest.)
Tempest: (To the camera.) Hello, everyone and welcome to Tempest’s Advice Line! I’m your host, Tempest, and these are my boobs! (She shakes her breasts a little.) This is M and she’s going to read me some of your throbbing questions so I can help you live funner, sexier lives. What’s my first question, M?
M: (Trying not to roll her eyes.) Dear Tempest, I recently started dating a guy that’s perfect for me, but he refuses to introduce me to his friends. What’s the deal? Sincerely, I Want In.
Tempest: Well, I’m not going to dance around the truth on this one, girl. You embarrass him and he doesn’t want you to meet his boys because he would get non-stop ribbing for it. Time to move on to a guy that has lower standards and would be proud to have you on his arm!
M: That was… encouraging?
Tempest: I mean, I could say that she should up her game or that he’s probably married, but I wouldn’t want to stress the poor thing out.
M: Yes, I can see that. Okay, Dear Tempest, I recently got married and everything is going really well. But my new wife is hanging out with a male friend a little bit too much. I totally trust her, but I don’t understand their connection. How can I deal with this situation? From, Not Jealous, But Concerned.
Tempest: Well, Not Jealous, stop lying to yourself, because you are jealous. Also, for good reason. No happily married woman hangs out with her straight guy friends all the time if there’s not something going on. They’re boning or about to bone and you need to deal with this before it gets any worse. Try offering a threesome!
M: Are you saying that men and women can’t be friends?
Tempest: M, I can’t be friends with anyone of legal age. That is a silly question.
M: Point taken. So do you really think that a straight girl hanging out with a straight guy is a sign that they’re boning?
Tempest: I dunno. But being a newlywed is hard. Maybe the dude isn’t pleasing her right in bed or something. Maybe she has personal problems. I mean, it could be anything.
M: Right, well. Here’s our final letter. Dear Tempest, I have a super hot date tonight and I’m not sure what to wear. What do I wear to really stun someone with my beauty? Sincerely, Dressed to Impress.
Tempest: Well, it’s not hard to impress a guy when you’re slamming hot, like I am. But for a normal girl, here is my advice; wear something that you feel comfortable in that flatters your figure and brings out your best features. I’d say go for something red in a shade that compliments your complexion. Science has shown that red gets guys all hot and bothered in just the right way. Next, put on some makeup and fix your hair in a loose style so you can play with it while you talk to him. Guys think that you playing with your hair is a sign that you like them. It’s totally not, but feed into their expectations.
M: That’s actually not bad advice.
Tempest: You say that as if you’re surprised.
M: Well, I was almost expecting you to tell the letter writer to show up naked at the front door and conduct the entire date in the bedroom.
Tempest: I mean, that’s not a bad idea. But still. I mean, you should get to know someone before you bone them.
M: You should?
Tempest: Of course. Otherwise how are you going to know if they do anilingus or not?
M: …. Of course.
Tempest: Well, that’s all the time we have to today. Come back next week and be ready for more awesome advice and my hot body telling it to you. (She tweaks one of her nipples, playfully.)
(The Producer signals to the camera person and the filming stops. Tempest grabs her top and stands, stretching.)
M: You can put your shirt back on now, Tempest.
Tempest: I could. But my boobs need to run wild and free today. Don’t you agree? I mean, they hate to be confined.
M: I’m sure they do. Well, I have some writing to go do. I will talk to you soon.
Tempest: Bye, M!
*Tempest is a fictional character. Anyone that takes her advice is doomed to whatever repercussions happen to them. Tempest’s Advice Line will not be held legally responsible for any choices made after reading this Newsletter.
Horror-Scopes by Tempest
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20) Today will be a really frustrating day for you, Gemini. Life sucks sometimes, huh? Well, I don’t want to worry you or anything, but there is someone plotting to kill you. Yeah, you’ve pissed them off so much that all they want to do is make sure you never annoy them again.
This is all your fault for having such an inconsistent personality. The twins. Really? I have twins and they don’t cause me problems.
Tempest’s Daily Affirmation
“The key to joy is inherent in subjective reality”
What it means: This is a great mantra for anyone that is unhappy. It means that you just have to adjust your reality and you can be happy again. Since reality is subjective then you can control it and change it. For example, say a hot girl turned you down for a date because she said that she was straight. You can choose to change your reality so that you believe that she was just too intimidated by your beauty and class that she turned you down for fear that you would eventually reject her. Simple!
Tempest’s Featured MiST of the Month, Presented by Tempest
M hates snow, so I figured that I’d remind her of that horrible frozen evil once more! In this Christmas fic everyone makes out with everyone with no concern for story or plot. Just tongues galore for all of the underage characters. It seriously just gets tedious and I think we all know how much I love kissing. So that’s saying something.
Sex Position of the Month, Tested and Approved by Tempest
The Long Day At the Office
What you’ll need: One man, one woman, one desk, preferably at work, and a condom.
How to do it: We’ve all been there; it’s a long work day, you’re bored, you’re horny, you need some release. So you call up your latest sex partner and get down and dirty right on your desk! Make sure your office door is locked and you have something playing in the background to drown out your screams of ecstasy.
Position the woman on her back, with her feet supported either by the dude or on furniture. She has to be in an almost gyno position for the guy to get this right, so keep scooting your butt down until you feel like you’re going to fall off the edge of the desk. Then the guy enters her either vaginally or anally on the desk.
Feel free to switch positions and put the woman on her stomach as long as the height positions work out. Either way, make sure you’re both naked and sweaty when it’s all over. Also, make sure you ride that fine line between getting fired and making all of your co-workers jealous.
Next Month on Tempest’s Advice Line, By Tempest
Come back for my Tila Tequila advice faceoff! Rest assured though, my advice will always be superior. No doubt. None whatsoever. Until next time, I love you all and I want to see you naked!
To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.