[Image: The creation of man. Adam reclines on the left, reaching out his arm to touch the noodly appendage of his holiness, the Flying Spaghetii Monster. Parmesan be upon him.]
Open letter to the Dean,
It saddens me that I must write this, however, I feel that I need to defend both myself and my religious beliefs. I was very disappointed and hurt when [Professor’s name redacted] insulted my religion in sociology class and encouraged the other students to laugh at it as well. I tried to explain my religious beliefs but the class continued to laugh and a girl sitting in the front made a comment about followers of my religion using “shooms,” an illegal substance known to cause hallucinations.
The lecture started out through a comment about the Reptilian theory; the belief that the entire British Royal Family, George Bush, George W Bush, and several others are in fact space lizards that take on human form in order to infiltrate Earth. This is not in fact a religion, but instead part of the desperate ramblings of David Icke.
I explained the history of my proud religion, but no one listened to me and when girl made the comment about shrooms I realized that everyone had simply dismissed Pastafarianism as something so ludicrous that it was comical. After my attempt to explain the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was ignored the instructor began to talk about Heaven’s Gate and other dangerous New Religious Movements. This sandwiched the reptilians, Pastafarianism and cults all together. I felt humiliated and alienated from my classmates and left the class during the break.
I understand that some people find the idea of a Flying Spaghetti Monster as the creator of the universe difficult to believe, but we are all His creatures and we have all been touched by His Noodly Appendage. There is plenty of scientific proof that He exists, unlike some other religions. Our proof includes a great text detailing the beginning of the earth. We believe that He has also manipulated carbon dating data in order that we may think that the earth is older than it is. Another one of His great work was to show us the importance of Pirates and how, as their numbers diminished, global warming increased.
I hope that amends will be made to me and to the 10 million other Pastafarians worldwide. Furthermore I noticed that the college does not include the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or His teachings in Religions of the World I or II. I hope that this omission will be corrected soon.
With most sincere thanks,
P.S. In order to teach about the Flying Spaghetti Monster you must be in full Pirate regalia. BuyCostumes.com has an excellent selection.
AN: I wrote this fake letter to the Dean of TNCC in 2008 after a particularly annoying night in a sociology class. I never sent it, but it was highly irritating to me that a teacher was completely misrepresenting His Noodliness and didn’t even recognize that I knew more about it than she did.