[Image: a thin, blonde person writing the word “impossible” with the “im” crossed out.]
Some people ask me how I find so much time in my day to write. It’s quite easy, really. Let me share my tips with you on how to be a prolific writer!
1. Do not have children.
They take up way too much time and get in the way of your writing. Seriously, you have to feed them every day. Multiple times! So if you already have them, just disown them. Then get back to writing.
2. Don’t be in a stable relationship.
Internet dating is great blog fodder and dating assholes gives you lots of material for sad poems. If you write about being happy and shit people will think you’re pretentious and annoying. Write about how some dude used you for sex and broke up with you in a text message and people will think that you’re a great writer.
3. Be mentally unstable.
Let’s face it; being happy and healthy rarely inspires people. Best to be a little off balance to get the creative juices flowing. It helps if you have a mental illness, but not every writer is that lucky.
4. Have a deep psychological need to write shit down.
If writing a list of things to get at the grocery store makes you feel calmer, you clearly have a problem. Cultivate this alarming psychological state. Have other reinforce your writing and tell yourself how great it is to look at your own handwriting, even if it’s messy.
5. Get into the habit of writing so much that you can’t stop.
It might be difficult to start at first, but once you’re used to writing all-day, every-day, it will become like an addiction that you can’t run from or avoid. Pretty soon you’ll go a few hours without writing and develop a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you’re missing something. Because you’re missing writing. And you need to get on that shit.
6. Be underemployed.
Now this might not be a conscious choice for you, but no one needs a real job when you can live hand-to-mouth off of doing odd jobs and spending all your days at the tea shop. Because what’s better than working a minimum wage job that slowly crushes your soul? Worrying about how you will feed yourself!
7. Create unrealistic goals for yourself.
Think back to your most productive day ever. How many words did you write? That is now your bare minimum. Didn’t write that much? You are clearly a failure and you need to work harder. I consider any day where I write less than 10,000 words to be an unproductive day.
8. Start thinking of your entire life as blog fodder.
Did you have an unpleasant run in with the mail man? Are you worried that you poop too much? Did your hamster do something hilarious yesterday? Write about it! Write all of it down and share it with the world.
9. Lower your standards.
Some people claim that they don’t write that much so they will only produce the most high-quality work. If the opposite is true then you can’t be prolific without pumping out mostly crap. So produce some crap and be proud of it! If someone comments on how shitty your work is, just say, “Yeah, it’s shitty, but look at how much shitty stuff there is!”
10. Measure your self-esteem in your productivity.
Don’t even think about feeling good about yourself if you didn’t complete a certain word count. Once you start to believe that you’re not a worthy person unless you’ve written lots and lots of shit, you will constantly have to write shit in order to feel good about yourself. So keep writing; or else you’re not a good person.