College Poetry

poetic-pen

[Image: A hand in white against a black background. It’s writing using a pen. Colors, shapes, and images flow from the pen.]

A/N: When I was in college I fell in love with a man and never told him. This is some of what I wrote about him.

Ghosts

And we’re still ghosts
Somehow

I’m not entirely sure why
This is still true
But I’m relatively certain
That it has something to do
With the intense hatred
That has boiled in my brain
For the last few weeks
That has robbed me of any other emotions

I used to be sad,
I used to be scared,
I used to be happy,
I used to be annoyed:
All at the same time!

But now, my entire life (death)
Has come down to one feeling of
Rage
That refuses to let me
Be anything other than
Angry

But what’s the point in being
Angry
When all it does is make me
Anxious
My hands shake,
My heart beats faster
Everything I do,
In an attempt to pull my attention
Away from the rage –-

I feel so much hate
And it’s pure hatred,
Not the pitiful watered-down kind
Sheer, unadulterated hatred
Free from commercialism
And bottled emotion

Springing forth like
The molten lava, destined
To destroy everything in its path
Spreading like flames
Over dead brown branches
And dried up streams

And I cannot forgive
I simply don’t have it
In me
I cannot forgive
For the catalyst of this hatred
I have forgiven before,
Even to the people
Who managed to hurt me most
I have been able to apologize to them
Or even just silently let go
Of whatever it was that they had done

But this will not go away
I don’t want the bone,
But it won’t get the hell
Out of my mouth
How exactly is this supposed to work
We’re ghosts!

You’re dead to me
And I’m dead inside
We should get along perfectly!

But for all my hate and for all my rage
I am the only one being consumed by it
And those who I have banished
From my life
Simply float away,
As transparent as they were
When they were alive

And it doesn’t matter
They just don’t matter
And it’s not like I don’t know this
I knew it from the beginning
From the very beginning
I always knew that
When the chips fell
They wouldn’t be standing
Next to me
No one ever does
Because no one
Has been able to face
The me that wants to destroy
Everything in its path

Nothing scares me anymore
Threats? Promises? Violence?
I’ve taken on myself
And I’ve won
The simple fact that I am still alive
Is testament to the fact
That no external force
Can break me
Because (besides death)
The only way
Someone can be destroyed
Is from the inside

And
I’m
Still
Here

The Stillness
3.13.08

Quiet
Noiselessness
There together
Bodies intertwined
Each one half
Of the embrace
Stillness
Warmth
The peacefulness
Of body heat
And there was Silence
What was stopped,
What is overtook
Lying there
Feeling, touching
Fulfilled
Everything
Was stillness
Flooded
Deep with feeling
The emotion
Of indescribable
I could not
Name it
I could not
Categorize it
I could not allow
The Intimacy
To be
Defined
But in the stillness
It was there
It was so
Clear
It was so
Harmonious
In the stillness
I knew
On the realization
I placed the
Ultimate honor
This was
Something so
Foreign
That it
Fought through
Doubt and
Distrust
And still
Arrived intact
And in my
Amazement
I realized
That
In the
Stillness
There was love

White Knight

Let it let it let it let it let it be let it let let be let it be let it be
Whatever it will be because I don’t know exactly what is going on
Happening happening happening when I’m not there
Or I’m not here
Or I’m just not where I need to be in order to know what is going on
What was it exactly?
That happened to me
What, what, what, what, what?
I let it be
But it, it changed me
And it found me when I couldn’t have hoped it would
And it found me when I didn’t want it to
And it found me when I needed it to
And it found me none the less
And where was I
Why I couldn’t be reached?
Where, where, where, was I being where I was and how did anyone penetrate what I had built around me
And how did the walls crumble
He had to have flown
A sparrow
Singing, landing, searching, finding
A sparrow, it must have been a sparrow
It was never to to let the thing inside
It was never to let someone invade
The walls were built too high, but without a roof
Who would have thought that he could fly?
After everything I’ve done
All of the labor that filled those walls with bricks and hate and cement and sorrow they posed no difficulty for him
And it hurts
Because I don’t know what else it could do except hurt and the sparrow has made a nest of soft and spring and has stayed there inside where it should not be and nothing I do can expulse it not until it acts against me instead of me acting against it
Let it let it let it it be, but I can’t let it let it let it be, it was it was it was to be, and it was to be and I let it let it let it fly and it was

But now, but now, but now, but now, where can it go? What can it do? Where is the resolution to the problem that I have never, never, never faced before?
If it was horrible, if it made me ill and made me doubt and made me want to give up or scream or hate or crumble with exhaustion if it was, was, was, was what I have grown accustomed to it being
Then I would know exactly what to do with it
And it would be wonderful because I would know what it what it what it what it is
It is not what I thought it would be and being better, how can I know what to do? And how do I want to break it into fragments all so I wouldn’t have to worry that what it is not would be destroyed? And yet for all the times I have wanted something so simple and marred and one-sided and vile and painful I would have gladly give everything I had to sustain something that would never have worked anyway
And the pain and the pain and the pain was so familiar
Because I was destroying myself
And that seems to be my favorite hobby
And it seemed that they, the mysterious they, that cannot be named because it encompasses so many, while excluding nearly all, were only a small party to my self-destruction.
And it hurt, because everything hurt, and hurting was all that I could know
And I let it be let it be let it be let it be
Because it was all that it ever was and so familiar that to think of anything otherwise would be breaking the carefully constructed mold, that I had created, in order to be be be be miserable
But isn’t this what I wanted
Isn’t this what I needed
Isn’t this
Where where where where
Where was it
Hiding
Evading
Where had it always been when I needed it, when the walls were not built and trusting wasn’t so difficult and everything I had to give would have been accepted without being forced from my hands
Where was it?
Where was it?
Where was I when I needed to tell the difference between the two but couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t because I never had had to
A sparrow
A sparrow
And I was undone
I feel apart because of this tiny little bird that found a weakness and didn’t exploit it, because he never would have
And now and now and now and now
Where am I?
My patterns have been taken away
My templates have been trashed
All of my previous experience has amounted to nothing and I am still here
And I don’t know
And I never have either and never had thought about what I needed to let it let it let it let it be being let it, to be, let it to be in me
And how can I let it be when this, this, this, this, sparrow can destroy me
And not just destroy but obliterate
Then where would I be, be, be, be
Lost
Lost again
And that would feel like home and that would make sense and that would be the end
Of something that was not to be to be to be to be
And thinking of the alternative will not make sense
And imagining something without sense inside the walls is nonsense in itself
Where else can the sparrow go?
How else will the sparrow travel?
Why is something so simple, simple, simple, simple so difficult?
But they tell me what should be and be and they let me wanting something that did not exist for me
And it hurt
Hurts
Leaves to the point of confusion that something that does not hurt does not seem real and would not be allowed to be
Why won’t I let it be?
Why did I ever let them be and be and be
Where in my mind did it make sense to let any of this be?
Will the sparrow be lost in the night?
Will he become something more something I have wanted, but not needed and something I have needed and not wanted?
And now that hope has been nurtured into the bloom that can be destroyed with a breeze where can things only go but wrong
I’ll let it let let it be and be and let it be to be is all I can let it be

In the sea of past mistakes it’s too easy to drown
And blame myself for being vulnerable
And not erecting the walls high enough
But I am not totally to blame for what they did I let them in but they destroyed from the inside
I was foolish, but I did not inflict, they were smarter and they did
And for all of the time I have spent running from the sparrow that I needed I have ended up back where I started from with the only person who had not battered the walls or waited until they were already down in order to gain access
And how can I explain it without the tears that roll down my cheeks and make me sound like the sparrow is harming me rather than helping me
And why are the tears even there
Why do they persist and persist and fight to break free and struggle against me?
I don’t need a savior
I don’t need a knight
I needed what I needed
When I needed it that night
And why would it hurt
When it never did
And why would he hurt me?
Why do I think of this
Everyday
Why do I want it and reject it and want it to go away?

Maybe I just need to ask him.

All of Everything

It’s strange that I want to punish myself for what someone else did
I don’t know what I did wrong but I know that it must have been pretty heinous
The entire time I thought that I had things under control. I was so sure that I did
So definitely sure
And what happened?
It hurt again
And it hurts and it hurts and it hurts
And it’s so familiar a pain
I’ve made no progress, for all my imagined strides
There was no breakthrough. I was just deluded in a different way. A way so incredibly blinding that I didn’t even realize how deluded I was
I was so sure to make sure that I wasn’t and for all my hard work, nothing?
Yes, nothing
Life sucks, doesn’t it?

All of everything. Just destroyed in a Chinese restaurant
That morning I cried. So hysterically. My body wracked in sobs while I drove. More and more and more tears coming to replace the ones that had fallen
I was so confident that I knew what I was doing
I was in love with him
I absolutely certainly was
And, naturally, he didn’t love back and seeing him would just remind me of the night of bliss that we shared and the horrible realization that I had when I realized that how much it meant to me was in direct proportion of how little it meant to him
And it hurts.

The Stain

There’s a stain
On the silk sheet
A stain and we created
My menstrual blood
His seed
A tiny stain
A mixture of us both

I should have
Cleaned it up
The minuscule stain
I should be disgusted that
It’s even there at all
I should be
But I’m not

Because it’s
A reminder
Proof of the night
Proof of when
All of the pain stopped
And there was only
Love

The night
Is over
It couldn’t
Last forever
I still have my memory
I can still feel
His hands on me

And now
When he’s gone
Slipped away
From the arms
That I wrapped
Around him
Out of reach

I sit and wonder
I sit and remember
I think about
That feeling and
That night
When we created
The stain

*Some poems were taken from my fictionalized memoir, Portrait. Go to my store to find out more information about this work.