[Image: A hand with a marker drawing a heart using red ink. In the background is a person wearing a white shirt.]
I can’t believe it’s July already! We’re knee deep in bikini season and where are you? On your computer when you could be out at a pool watching hot people in very little clothing. I want you to reconsider your life choices right now. Think about them very hard.
Tempest’s Advice Line: Tila Tequila Edition
(M enters the studio to find Tempest, completely naked, standing in front of a rack of bikinis hanging on hanger. She takes one down, examines it, then puts it back.)
M: Uh, Temp? What are you doing?
Tempest: Well, this month is our Tila Tequila issue and if I’m going to be ripping on that hot bitch, then I need to look mega hot myself.
M: Right. So why didn’t you get dressed in your bedroom?
Tempest: Clearly because I need a second opinion. What do you think of this one? (Holding up a sky blue bikini with gold coins decorating it.)
M: Well, that’s nice. I mean, they’re all nice. I don’t think it really matters which one you wear.
Tempest: (Thinking.) That’s true. I mean, I’m so hot. I’ll look good in anything. Besides, people tune in for my advice, not for my T and A.
M: Well, I mean, you do provide plenty of that in addition for your advice.
Tempest: (Picking up a purple tye-dye bikini.) M, when you have a talent, you have to flaunt it.
M: Tits and ass counts as a talent now?
Tempest: Uh, yeah. That’s all the talent that Tila Tequila needed.
M: I don’t know. She also sings about beating the shit out of people a lot.
Tempest: Well, that’s a talent that should be respected as well.
(Just then, the producers and the camera crew enter and start getting set up.)
Producer: Hey Tempest, are you going to wear clothes for this episode? Because, I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Tempest: Okay! (She puts the tiger stripe bikini that she was looking at back on the rack and pushes it out of the way. Tempest fluffs her red hair and walks over to the chairs.)
Producer: Hey M, you know… you could, too.
M: No, thanks. I’m good.
Producer: Just saying, we could use the ratings.
M: I think we’ll live without both of us being naked.
(M takes her seat and pulls up the questions on her iPad. The producer signals to Tempest and she tosses her hair back.)
Tempest: Hello, all of my adoring fans! Welcome to a very special edition of Tempest’s Advice Line. That’s right, we’re talking on Tila Tequila and her advice this week. So listen up, bitches. Because I’m about to tell you how to do it right. (She rubs one of her breasts, playfully.)
M: (Sighing deeply.) Okay, the first letter comes from a blog post entitled Can you turn your man into a housewife The letter reads in full,
Hey Tila, I know this is a little different cause usually people ask you about sex but I recently got married and it’s great except he is lazy as can be!!! He doesn’t help me with the house keeping or anything!!! I am a c.n.a. and I work ALOT (from 2-10) and he works too, but he has more days off then I do. It would be great to come home to a clean house but instead I come home to a wreck and I have to clean it plus take care of our daughter because he is asleep. I just want to have a break once in a while, is that bad? I tried talking to him about it but he acts like a child as says “it’s a woman’s job” aka we get no where!!! So what can I do to get his ass into gear and help me??
M: Sic throughout, by the way. I didn’t edit any of that.
(M puts down her iPad for a second and looks away.)
Tempest: Well, that sounds like quite a problem. First off, you got married. That was where the problems started. Second, you married this d-bag. Girl, make no mistake, you are pulling the second shift and he is completely taking you for granted. If you want to be in an equal partnership, you have to be on even ground with him and you’re not. You’re acting like his mom and he’s perfectly happy to let you do all the work while he sleeps and is a sexist pig.
M: What do you recommend, Tempest?
Tempest: First of all, ditch him. You probably never should have married him in the first place. He didn’t turn into a sexist asshole overnight. He’s been one the entire time. And do you want your kid to think that she has to be some man’s housekeeper? Fuck no. Second, once you’re single and fabulous, then go out and find a man that appreciates you and will want you as a partner, not a maid.
M: That actually wasn’t bad advice…
Tempest: You said that as if you’re surprised.
M: I kind of am. Okay, well, Tila responds by rambling on about gender roles and men’s work. She also apparently penned an article asking if the feminist movement destroyed families.
Tempest: Are you going to read that?
M: I did a 8,500 word Bratz review yesterday. I do not have enough spoons left.
Tempest: Interesting. Next question!
M: The next question is taken from the blog, Girls always prefer douchebags over nice guys. It reads,
Hey Tila, My name is Adam and I’m 23 years old. Lately I’ve been having some issues with women and it’s really starting to get to me. I’m a nice guy, with a good job, and I actually have respect for women because I’m a mama’s boy. But for some reason every girl who I’ve dated ends up dumping me for some asshole that would never treat her half as good as I can! I just don’t understand if I’m doing something wrong. I always open the car doors for the ladies, I always offer to pay when we go out to dinner, I’m always there when she needs me. I think I’m a pretty great catch, but I always get dumped and my heart-broken for some douche! I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong here. Is it true that girls only like to date bad boys? Or is there something I’m doing wrong? I’d appreciate some advice from someone who actually has experience in this area. Anything would be appreciated. Thanks Tila!
Tempest: Well, your first problem is that your marketing ploy is that you’re nice. Who the fuck cares if you’re nice? That’s not something you should try selling yourself on. Everyone should be nice. Everyone who isn’t nice is an asshole. Just because you manage to be a decent human being that doesn’t mean that you deserve sex, a relationship, or anything else that you want.
M: So true. I’m so sick of guys complaining that they’re nice, therefore someone should blow them.
Tempest: Don’t add anything, M. I’m on a roll.
M: Er, okay.
Tempest: Anyway, you’re also looking around at other guys and deciding that you’re better than them all the time and THAT doesn’t sound like the actions of someone who is chronically nice. Go develop a hobby, do something interesting, go somewhere fun. Find a personality and then look for a girlfriend. Because your tired old blabber about just being so nice that you deserve someone to sit on your dick is not amusing anyone.
M: Well, let’s see what Tila said. (Scrolling down the page. She reads silently to herself for a second.) Jesus, I think my brain just melted.
(Tempest is making kissy faces at the camera and rubbing her breasts.)
Tempest: What did she say?
M: (Putting down the iPad and rubbing her temples.) Something about him being super sweet and women being total bitches that don’t know what’s good for them because they are in possession of too much estrogen. Sometimes I wonder why Tila has such a poor view of other women. But then I realize that she sees other women as nothing but competition, threats, or sex objects.
Tempest: Totally. And that’s sad.
M: Yeah, exactly. Well, I think we should stop there before this gets entirely too long and slash or my brain completely goes to jelly.
Tempest: You work so hard, M. You should have a break.
M: Thanks, Tempest. That’s really sweet of you to say.
Tempest: Yeah, so we totally don’t need to MiST at all this month.
M: I thought there was something behind this…
(The Producer signals to Tempest.)
Tempest: Well, that’s all for this week, kids. Tune in next week for more advice, more fun, and more sex, with me! Tempest!
*Don’t take either Tempest or Tila Tequila’s advice. If you have to take someone’s advice though, take Tempest’s. Hers is only slightly better.
Horror-Scopes as Interpreted By Tempest
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Jupiter and Uranus are really in control this month. And by that I mean that you have an ass that won’t quit and you need to use those powers for good! It’s time to get into buttstuff and really explore your anal sexuality this month, Cancer.
And, yes, it’s true, your star sign has the same name as a horrible disease that kills millions every year, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy yourself. Your sweet and loving nature will help others to enjoy your ass and challenge it in ways that you have never experienced before. Have fun and use condoms!
Tempest Recommends Daily Affirmations
“Good health relies on spontaneous sensations”
What it means: So everyone wants to be healthy, right? Of course they do. What this means is that you need to take in every sensation that you experience and use it to boost your health. Like that guy that was rubbing up against you on the bus this morning. Yeah, he might have creeped you out and he totally smelled like pee, but the universe was giving you a sensation and you should have used that to better your health!
Deangelo Entices Tempest’s Newsletter
Good day, my lovely readers. This is Don Deangelo Santiago Desiderio and Tempest asked me to do a section in her newsletter about her backside. She said, and I quote, “it’s all about the ass this month. So talk about mine!” However, I think that you and I both can use a little break from Tempest’s ass.
Today I would like to talk to you about something that very close to my heart. That is spelling. Spelling is so important, children. We all need to know how to properly spell words and communicate with everyone in the world. We might think that as long as our message is understood, then that’s simply good enough. But it’s not. Not at all.
Now, it’s quite possible to get by in the world without being able to spell. M, for example, has no idea how to spell and heavily relies on multiple spell checkers just to get through her daily life. But you should have seen her when she found out that the GRE would have no spell check. And this is why you need to know how to spell. The GRE. Life is unfair and filled with things like the Graduate Record Exam.
Don’t let it creep up on you. Learn how to spell. I believe in you.
Tempest’s Featured MiST of the Month
I like this MiST because it’s actually a fan fiction. Sometimes I miss MiSTing fanfics. I mean, not often, but sometimes. I was actually a little excited to delve into someone else’s world of fiction today and not just some strange emo love story. Of course, this was just an emo love story with Twilight characters in it. But what’s Twilight if not a long emo love story?
Wait… why did I like this MiST again?
Sex Position of the Month
The girl-on-girl hand sanitizer routine
What you’ll need: two hot girls, lube
This position it all about the hands! So scrub up and get ready. Have one smoking hot girl lay down on her back and the other straddle her, just below her vag. Use your hands to stimulate each other. Use your mouths to tell her when she’s hitting your spot and exactly what you want her to do. Don’t be afraid to get dirty! This position is all about feeling your way to orgasm.
Next Month on Tempest’s Advice Line
So sorry we have to part for now. But come back on August 15th for more fun, games, and sexy advice to liven up your life! Until then, I’ll be thinking about you… when I touch myself.
To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.