[Image: A black grid background with a blue line across it indicating a heartbeat with a blue heart behind it.]
Is it August already? Better keep getting to the pool, because those bikinis will be gone soon! Good thing I’m here to keep your life hot and spicy, no matter what season it is. Read on, my loyal fans. By the way, I’m calling you Stormers now. You’re welcome.
Tempest’s Advice Line
(Tempest enters the studio. She is clad in a short tube dress with large, dangle earrings and flip flops. M follows behind her, carrying her iPad. Neither talk as they walk over to the couches and settle in. Tempest sits down in her usual armchair with M on the couch. Then Tempest switches to the armchair on the opposite side of the stage.)
M: (Looking up.) You going to sit over there today?
Tempest: I’m not sure. I was really pondering what my best side is last night and maybe I should try both, then analyze the tapes to find out.
M: I think you look great from both sides.
Tempest: You’re also a grown woman that wears Hello Kitty t-shirts unironically.
M: Fine then. You look terrible from both sides.
Tempest: Don’t be a hater, M. No one likes jealousy.
(The Producer and the camera crew enter and start getting ready.)
Producer: Hey Tempest, I like you on that side of the couch. You look even better than usual right there.
Tempest: Thanks! I knew experimenting with my best side would pay off.
(M rolls her eyes and goes back to her iPad.)
Producer: We got really good ratings with our Tila special. Let’s make this week’s even more exciting, okay?
M: (Deadpan.) Yeah, I’m all over this with excitement.
Tempest: It’s okay, M. I’m used to being exciting enough for both of us.
(The Producer nods to the camera crew then turns to Tempest.)
Producer: Okay, baby girl, it’s all you.
Tempest: Thanks! And —
M: (Interrupting.) Wait a second. “Baby girl”? Dude, why are you so sexist? You’re fictional. And moreover, why do we even need you? Sharyna and I were producers in the original TAL.
Producer: You need me because… uh.. union rules!
M: There are no unions for fictional characters. We’ve covered this in two MiSTs! You’re outta here, buddy!
(Producer poofs out of existence.)
M: Well, that problem is solved. Temp, take it away.
(Tempest fixes her tube dress and straightens, brightly.)
Tempest: Hello, everyone! Welcome to Tempest’s Advice Line! I’m your host, Tempest, and I’m here to answer all of your burning questions about love, relationships, and how to be the sexiest person on the block. M, my loyal assistant, please read to me my first question.
M: (Eying Tempest.) Okay… Dear Tempest, I recently declared my freedom by going topless at the local beach. I was arrested for public nudity and I’m not sure what to do. How do I explain to people that I was liberating my body from the oppression of clothes like you always do? Sincerely, Jail Boobs.
Tempest: Well, that’s easy. Baring your breasts in protest that you’re not allowed to bare your breasts is constitutionally-protected speech. Well, action. Just go and say that your boobs were protesting the oppression that they experience every day. And make people remember how feeling and comfortable everyone would be if they would just strip out of some clothes and enjoy life a bit more.
(There is a few seconds of silence as M stares at Tempest in confusion and Tempest smiles and waves to the camera.)
Tempest: Next question, M.
M: Uh, yeah. Sometimes you confuse me. Anyway, Dear Tempest, I’m a recently divorced man that wants to experiment with other men. But I haven’t dated in years and I’ve never dated a man. How do I even start to navigate this journey? Signed, Bi-Curious And Hating It.
Tempest: Well, first off, don’t expect it to be easy. You’re doing something completely new and scary. So go into it knowing that there’s going to be a learning curve and it will be plenty nerve wracking. Next, start on Grindr and just get some booty! No way to ease you into dating men like getting it from behind from someone with an nine inch dick!
M: ….. Tempest? What does the word “ease”, mean to you?
Tempest: Oh, and don’t be shy when it comes to asking a gay guy to give it to you really hard! They like that.
M: Why are you acting like you know what gay men like in bed?
Tempest: Cause I’m a pansexual and I’ve done gay guys before?
M: But how are… you know what? Never mind. Never fucking mind. Last question. Dear Tempest, I love your show! Thanks for reading my question. I recently had a baby and I just don’t feel very sexy. How can I get my groove back and get my husband interested in me again? Sincerely, New Mama Needs Some Lovin’.
Tempest: Well, babies can kill romance, no joke. But feeling sexy is a state of mind. It doesn’t have anything to do with how you actually look. So hike up those floppy tits, dress up your worn out vagina and take your husband out for a hot date! Tell yourself that you’re hot, no matter how flabby your arms are and you will eventually come to believe it.
M: …I didn’t think it was possible, but it seems like there has been a distinct decline in the quality of advice during this Advice Line.
Tempest: Well, that’s all for today! Come back next week for my advice, more fun, and lots more Tempest!
(M sees that they’re clear and camera crew starts to pack up. M puts her iPad back in its case and looks over at Tempest.)
M: You do realize that doing this show didn’t get you off the hook for MiSTing, right?
Tempest: Well, it delayed it for a while, you have to admit that. So it served its purpose. Besides, why deny my fans any more of me than they have to!
*Don’t actually take Tempest’s advice. She really doesn’t know what the word “ease” means.
Tempest Presents Horror-scopes
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) There’s a lot of good shit happening around you this week, Leo. But you’re too worried about silly things to realize this! This week, get your head out of your ass and just appreciate what you have. Stop being such a worry wart and look on the bright side of life instead of being down in the dumps over the little things that go wrong. Also, your significant other is cheating on you. Kick ’em to the curb and give me a call!
Tempest Interviews Starring Tempest
Hi everyone! It’s a new section of the Newsletter. This week I’m interviewing Prisma Salvatore. She’s Melanie’s daughter and she’s oh so sexy in her black outfits. Read on to find out what’s on her mind!
Tempest: Thanks so much for talking to me, Prisma.
Prisma: I was very surprised to hear that your newsletter benefits a children’s cancer charity. I’m very excited to be a part of something that helps out those that are truly in need.
Tempest: Uh… yeah… that’s right. Well, let’s get started on our interview! So, tell me why no one calls you Smoke anymore.
Prisma: Smoke was a codename that I had in my original story when I was an assassin. That persona was completely redesigned so the codename fell by the wayside.
Tempest: That’s too bad. Smoke was super sexy and mysterious.
Prisma: I’m in another story now, so who knows? It might make another appearance.
Tempest: How is married life going for you and Questen?
Prisma: Wonderfully. It’s actually a lot less stressful than I thought it was going to be.
Tempest: How can there be stress when you’re living with the person that you want to bone? It sounds like a perfect arrangement to me. Aside from the whole monogamy thing.
Prisma: I’m rather okay with monogamy, but I appreciate your point of view.
Tempest: When do you think M is going to actually work on your story?
Prisma: M works in mysterious ways. Who knows when the time will be right. She’s been waiting for my story to simmer for long enough. One day, she will go through and edit and then put it up on Amazon. Everyone has to be patient until then.
Tempest: I started reading your story, but I got so bored. I mean, there’s just so many WORDS. How can anyone read that many words?
Prisma: (Chuckling.) I rather like to read myself. But yes, my story is made up for 142 thousand words and I’m sure M realizes that not all of them are needed.
Tempest: One more question before you go; if you could change one thing about your story, what would it be?
Prisma: Hmmm, that’s actually a good question. I think I’d do fewer dream sequences. Some of them move the story along, but in the book I have nightmares almost every night and it just gets deeply upsetting after a while.
Tempest: Totally cool! Thanks so much for doing this interview and I will make sure all of the proceeds go to the, uh, Kid’s Against Bad Cancer Stuff Foundation.
Prisma: …. There’s no children’s cancer charity, is there?
Tempest: Well, not as such. But I could make one!
Daily Affirmations by Tempest
“Our consciousness quiets the flow of boundaries.”
A lot of people think that personal boundaries are like walls. But they’re not. They flow, just like rivers and change as people and relationships do. Sometimes our boundary flows become very noisy because something is wrong or we feel uncomfortable. And when that happens, we need to use our consciousness to quiet them and reassure us that all is well in our world. So then, our boundaries can flow again. Let your boundaries flow, everyone. Let them flow.
Featured MiST of the Month, picked out by Tempest
I really liked this MiST because, first of all, the host segments are about me. But also because it makes no goddamn sense. And there’s a huge section repeated in the middle that Dominick bravely did all on his own. It was quite impressive! We had all given up. Yeah, this one is fun. Not in an actually fun way. But in a MiSTing fun way.
Featured Sex Position Tempest Has Quality Tested
The Double Dip
What you’ll need: One woman, two men, two condoms, lube
Double Dip is double penetration and it can be really fun if you know what you’re doing! So pay careful attention. We’re only going to talk about anal and vaginal penetration this time. Doing double in one hole is an entirely different position. So listen up, here we go.
Vaginae are usually ready to go after some foreplay, but you have to prepare the anus a little more carefully. If it’s your first time doing double, then I recommend that you do just some plain anal to get you started. Make sure that everything is prepared and ready to go. And remember what I said about lube during my anal tutorial.
Now, the easiest way to do the Double Dip is to have one man lay on his back and the woman mount him. The man on his back gets the vagina. The other man then get the anus and he mount the woman that has already been penetrated. Make sure you go slowly and everyone is comfortable. Nothing is worst than when you’re trying to get off and someone is leaning on your hair or something.
Have the two men work out a rhythm and listen to the woman’s feedback. Once you’ve got your rhythm worked out and everyone is enjoy themselves, then go for it. Nothing fills you with more pleasure than when two men fill you with their spunk. Trust me, guys. It’s the gift that women love.
Next Week on Tempest’s Advice Line
M is turning 30 in September. How scary is that? I remember when she was underage and dating old men. Time flies! Come back next week for some of M’s birthday celebrations and more of my fun and spice. And don’t forget, a man that gets you roses cares about you, but a woman that does anal on the first date is forever.
To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.