Tempest’s Newsletter – Issue 7

heart-beat

[Image: A blue background with a white grid over it. An anatomical heart is on the left, mostly in blue with the some pulsing red. The white line of a heart beat stretches across the image.]

It’s September and bikini season is at an end. I know, I know, huge sad faces. But the good news is that in the fall there’s still lots of hot sex to be had! And I’m going to show you how to do it.

Tempest’s Advice Line

(M is already in the studio with the camera crew. After the producer was fired, M has taken over duties and has been working with the crew to produce even more high-quality Tempest nonsense. Tempest enters wearing a one-piece cut out bathing suit.)

M: Uh, Temp, you realize that it’s not summer anymore, right?
Tempest: (Glaring.) I’m wearing my bathing suit out of mourning. Besides, there are no seasons in space. In here it COULD be summer still.
M: Well, that’s a good point. Why don’t you get a seat and we do some tech stuff before we start.
Tempest: Make sure I look extra beautiful today. (She sits down in her usual spot and smiles at the camera.)
M: You always look beautiful, Tempest. There’s not much for me to do.

(M talks to the camera operator for a while then comes over to the couch to join Tempest.)

Camera operator: Ready when you are.
M: (Picking up her iPad.) Let’s do this.
Tempest: (Smiling brightly.) Hello everyone and welcome to Tempest’s Advice Line! It feels like a month since you’ve been here. Let’s lube up and dive on in to make up for lost time.

(M is studying the iPad in confusion.)

Tempest: Hey, M, this is your cue.
M: Uh, Temp?
Tempest: What?
M: It would seem that your loyal fans are celebrating my 30th birthday this month by sending me questions.
Tempest: …. They did what?
M: Yeah, all of these questions are for me.
Tempest: But you can’t give advice! You’ll tell them to be boring and shit and do responsible things.
M: Well, your fans have spoken. There are no questions for you in this mailbag. (She hands Tempest the iPad.) Here, why don’t you ask me some stuff?
Tempest: (Turning red.) But… But… I… ! (She looks over the iPad and sighs. Tempest looks back up at the camera.) Okay, kids, this is apparently what you wanted; the most boring episode of Tempest’s Advice Line ever. I hope you’re all pleased with yourselves.
M: (Sitting back on the couch.) Ask away, Tempster.

(Tempest scrolls through the emails and clicks on one.)

Tempest: Dear M, I want to write, but I’m scared to start. How do I overcome my fears and start blogging like you do?
M: Well, gentle reader, being scared is perfectly normal. Starting and maintaining a blog can be a huge project. But just because something is difficult and time consuming, don’t let that stop you from trying. Maybe you’ll start your blog and find out that you love it more than anything in the world. Maybe you’ll start your blog and find out that it’s not for you. Either way, have fun, press on, and love to write.
Tempest: God, my show is really going downhill.
M: I’m ready for my next question, Tempest.
Tempest: (Scrolling through questions.) So many of these are about writing. Ugh, you need a new hobby. Dear M, You haven’t MiSTed in a while, are you done with MiSTing?
M: My MiSTing waxes and wanes. Sometimes I want to do nothing but MiST other times, I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less. MiSTing is rather difficult, to be honest, so sometimes I have to get into a groove. So I will MiST again. I just don’t know when.
Tempest: Why are you talking about MiSTing being so difficult? We do all the work. You just sit in the control room and boss us around.
M: Of course, Tempest. That’s what I do.
Tempest: Ugh. Final letter. Dear M, I heard a rumor that you stopped drinking Dr Pepper and are now a vegetarian. Is that true?
M: Well, yes.
Tempest: Don’t lie to people just to make yourself sound more interesting, M. And if you do, lie about getting fucked by Christian Slater in the bathroom of a movie premiere.
M: It’s not a lie, actually. I’ve kept up my character drinking Dr Pepper and eating meat. But I stopped drinking soda in 2012 and I’ve been a vegetarian since May 2015. Side note, so that story about Christian Slater was a lie, huh?
Tempest: Uh, I mean, it wasn’t a lie. I just… said we did it doggy only and I totally rode him as well. I didn’t want to make anyone jealous.

(The camera operator signals to M.)

M: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Tempest, would you like to wrap it up?
Tempest: I guess… Happy birthday, M. Next week we’ll be back to talking about me. So readers, don’t go anywhere.
M: Until next time!

(M and Tempest wave as the camera finishes.)

Tempest: Thank Thor that’s over.
M: I had fun, Tempest. It was great to be asked the questions. We’ll have to do this again sometime.
Tempest: Don’t ever say anything to me like that again.

Disclaimer: Don’t take any advice in this show. I know there was very little in this one. But it’s generally not a good idea. If you have a question for Tempest or M, contact Scrapbook Of Truth on our Facebook page.

Horror-Scopes by Tempest

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Oh, Virgo. It’s time to shake off your pretense of being so moral and virginal and just go have fun with your bad self! Sure, the stars say that you’re modest and reserved, but I’ve partied with some Virgos and they knew how to throw down when it came to tequila shots. So go drink some tequila, Virgos! It’s good for your health.

Tempest’s Daily Affirmations

“The world relies on precious sensations.”

I don’t know what this means.

I had tofu for the first time the other day. Do you know that it’s actually not bad? There are so many jokes about it being terrible, but it’s pretty tasty. I mean, it’s not like first date sex or anything, but it’s pretty good.

Featured MiST of the Month, Selected by Tempest

MiST 101 – I Can Save You, I Promise, Part 1

Ah, Victoria-Alicia. Your origin story makes no sense. The rest of your story makes no sense. You make no sense. But you’re so upset about everything in the process. I especially enjoyed the part where she gets upset when someone calls her “Victoria”. Because that’s, like, not her name or something.

Sex Position of the Month, Tested and Approved by Tempest

The Stand and Deliver

What you’ll need: One man, one woman, one condom, lots of strength and dexterity.

How you do it: Get warmed up with some hot foreplay. When the man is ready, put the condom on. Then the woman lays on the edge of her bed, with her legs up, feet over her head. The man penetrates her, then holds her firmly (she holds onto him for more security) and he stands.

From in the air, he can completely control the motion and achieve deep penetration with the help of gravity. Also, that skin slapping sound you’ll make is super erotic. Women, be sure to help your man out, he’s carrying you and might need some guidance in order to hit your spot just right.

Now, this position is not for beginners. Obviously. You and your partner need to be strong, flexible, and it helps if the lady is a bit on the light side. But once you get it going and it’s just right. WOW! You will be so glad you tried it.

To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.