Trust

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[Image: surrealist painting. In the forefront is a gigantic Uncle Sam being lead by a cut out of one of the founding fathers. Behind Uncle Sam is a pig, a camel and what looks like Mount Rushmore on large legs.]

I have tremendous difficulty trusting my own perceptions. Often, when something goes wrong, I will be aware that something is off, but I will be unsure as to what that is or why it’s off. Sometimes when I do know what’s wrong, I have trouble verbalizing it or turning ideas into actions because I’m afraid of overreacting or being completely mistaken in taking action in the first place. Why I don’t trust myself enough to act on my own is a mixture of issues, but I struggle to live without massive amounts of support from other people.

I’ve written a little bit about gaslighting and the treatment I experienced from my most current ex. But the truth is that I was already vulnerable to it, before I ever met him. I’ve written before that I have memory problems, as well as mental health issues. Some days all you need to do to stump me is ask me what the date is. No joke. Also, I, for reasons I don’t even understand, trust other people’s perceptions over my own.

I often find myself having to question what happened and what is going on and I do it far too often for it to be average or healthy. Sometimes I have difficulty forming my own opinions about social interactions. For some reason, if one person said something, I just believe it. It takes a lot of time and examination for me to really come up with my own conclusion and there isn’t enough time or brainpower for me to do this with everyone.

One strange example that is popping into my mind right now is Eugene on Walking Dead. I was convinced that he was a legitimate scientist that was going to help save the world. Other people cast doubt onto his abilities and I would hear none of it. I completely believed him. He said that he was a fucking scientist so he was one! When it was revealed that he had been lying about the entire thing, I was distraught. I never saw it coming.

I really don’t know why I’m like this. I have tried to be suspicious of everyone and everything in the world, but that’s just so fucking exhausting. It takes too much time to try to work out just how everyone else is out to get you. Also, who wants to look at the world as a bunch of people who just want to hurt you? There are people in the world that do want to, but most people just don’t give a shit that you’re alive.

Regardless, when it comes to human interaction, I find myself at a loss. I tend to heavily rely on the support of my friends to help guide me through relationships where I get the feeling that something is amiss. Thankfully, this is not an everyday kind of event and I hope that I’m not too demanding on their time. But one day I would really like to be able to see situations clearly on my own and be able to make my own choices without having to check with someone else.

It’s no joke that the mental illness comes into this. Sometimes, when I think that I am absolutely right and justified in my decision, is when I’m the most out of control and make the worst mistakes. So I now associate confidence in these situations to making bad choices. Which just undermines my decision-making abilities completely. One day I will figure this shit out. But I doubt that that day is today. Or tomorrow.