[Image: A person on a computer with a heart on the laptop case.]
It’s a common practice to discuss the strange and terrifying world of online dating with the men that I do in fact meet online. While I have entirely too many blogs up about men that first contacted me through the site and either horrified or baffled me, men in general report to getting very few responses to their messages and even fewer messages from interested women. Sometimes they regard this as discouraging or frustrating. Other times they react with anger and consider the women to be rude, stuck up, or mean-spirited. But there are lots of reasons why women won’t respond to men on dating sites.
I don’t know all of them for sure. I respond to everyone that messages me. But I’ll get into that later. But here are some reasons why women don’t respond and why men need to stop taking it so personally.
1. No one owes you a message
The act of sending a message to a stranger on a dating site does not mean that you are owed one back. This person does not know you and has absolutely no obligation, moral, social, religious, or otherwise, to respond to everyone that sends them a communication. So expecting a response is not a good way to look at it to begin with.
2. Most women have no ulterior motive
When I get a message from someone on OKC that I have no possible chance of ever dating, I still respond. Because I want blog fodder. I have a completely ulterior motive for doing this and I admit it with no shame. If I had none, it would be a waste of my time to talk to the parade of racist, sexist, homophobic douchebags that message me to talk about my breasts. But I want material for my blog. So I answer back.
3. They might not be interested
People usually, after being on a dating site long enough, develop a system. Sometimes they look for specific deal breakers before they message someone back. Sometimes they go by match percentage. Sometimes they go by looks. It can be any variety of things. But for whatever reason, they might decide that there is something about you that violates one of their dating ideals and they do not want to pursue any further relationship with you.
That is their right as a person on a dating site. No one is required to interact with anyone else. Even if they’re not interested, no one is owed a response to say that they’re not interested. It takes up their time and effort and women get far more messages on their profiles than men might think.
4. They don’t want to be threatened
When I have told men in the past that I was not interested in dating them I have been threatened, insulted and called names. This all goes into my blogs, so it doesn’t really matter to me what men on a dating site call me. But let me assure you, having someone threaten to rape and beat you all because you politely wished them luck with someone else is not something that you want to encounter.
And it doesn’t matter if you would never do this to a woman, under any circumstances. Some men do and you are a stranger. They can’t tell if you are the type to do this or not and as a result, they have decided not to respond at all. Wanting to avoid a stranger on a dating website that just wanted to date you calling you a bitch is a perfectly reasonable thing.
5. They’re not that active with the account or their dating life
Maybe they’re not checking their account regularly. Maybe they’re not that active on the site. Maybe they’re taking a break from dating and didn’t get around to deactivating their account. You don’t know! One thing that is not going to get them back onto the site are people shaming them for not responding to messages, whether or not they are interested in the person sending them at all.
6. They have other things going on in their lives
Women have these things called lives. All people have burdens and the women that you’re calling a bitch for not messaging you back might have been checking her ailing parent in hospice care while you’re talking smack about her. You don’t know. Don’t assume that women are doing nothing but refreshing their OKC inbox, waiting desperately for replies to their profiles.
7. Maybe your profile is not complete or not well put together
One man that complained to me that girls on OKC were too “stuck up” to respond to him had no information on his profile at all, 4 questions answered, and his gender and looking for filled out. If you think that women are supposed to respond to you when they have no idea who you are or what you’re about, think again. Women want to know whom they are talking to and that’s why filling out your profile, accurately, intelligently, and thoughtfully is so important.
Also, the content you do put up is important. I did an entire blog on men with terrible photos posted as well as horrible content on their profiles. Just because you put something down doesn’t mean it’s logical, it’s inviting, or that women will like it. If you don’t know how to portray yourself as a decent human being that won’t try to knife them on the first date, of course they’re not going to respond to you.
So cut women some slack. Just because they’re not responding doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, no one likes you, or that they’re a bunch of bitches. There are tons of reasons why a woman wouldn’t respond to you on OKC. So stop taking it personally and let women choose who they feel comfortable communicating with.