Tempest’s Newsletter

Same Heartbeat (1)

[Image: A drawing of a heartbeat with a red heart in the middle against a blue background.]

Note: Tempest and her antics have been declared Not Safe For Work (NSFW). So don’t read about her hot sex tips and scintillating advice while you’re working. Save that for when you can go home, take your pants off, and really enjoy.

Hi, everyone! Some might say that this is Pumpkin Spice Latte season, or some crap like that, but this actually hot, naked sex on a bearskin rug season! Everyone strip down with you favorite person (or persons, you know how I roll) and make some sweet, sweet love.

Tempest’s Advice Line

(Tempest bursts into the studio wearing her new black dress. She flounces onto the studio couch and motions to M, who is talking to the sound person.)

Tempest: Right, let’s go. Ask me question!
M: Well, hello to you, too. How has your day been?
Tempest: Busy! I accidentally double booked tonight and I need to get going on these dates before one of them catches on.
M: Which is more important, Tempest? Your adoring fans or your dating life?
Tempest: My date is WITH two fans, M. Come on!

(M walks over to the couch and sits down, picking up her iPad.)

M: You know, if they’re both open minded people, you could make tonight a threesome.
Tempest: (Gasping.) You’re so right! What a great idea, M! You’re a genius.
M: Yep, that’s me. Always figuring things out. (She looks over to the camera crew.) Everyone ready?

Camera Person: Good to go!
M: Alright, take it away, Tempest.

(Tempest fluffs her hair, adjusts her top and smiles at the camera.)

Tempest: Hello everyone! Welcome to this week’s Tempest’s Advice Line! I’m Tempest and I’m here with my sidekick, M, to answer all of your burning questions about love and relationships. Let’s start with our first question. M?
M: …Side kick?
Tempest: Yeah, you’re boring Robin to my ultra sexy Batman.
M: (^^;;;) Let’s just get to the questions. First one. Dear Tempest, I’m in a new relationship with a great guy and I really want to marry him. Only problem is that he’s already married. How do I convince him to leave his wife and get with me full time? Signed, Bride In The Wings.
Tempest: This is a problem for you monogamous people? My issues is too many men want to leave their wives for me!
M: Try to empathize with someone who isn’t as sexy as you, Temp.
Tempest: Well, that’s going to be difficult, but okay. So you want to get married to a married dude, right? The best option is to pick another married dude who is far unhappier than he is. If he’s seeing you and doesn’t want to leave his wife, then you’re not doing it for him. Get on a cheaters’ website and troll for married guys. Find one who you can rock like no other and then, he will be rushing to leave his wife and put a ring on it.
M: …Why not just advise her to find a single dude? It seems much easier.
Tempest: Married dudes are conquests. Single dudes are just shooting fish in a barrel.
M: Right… Okay. Well, next question. (Going back to her iPad.) Dear Tempest, I’m getting married next week and I love my fiance so much! Unfortunately, he has one bad habit that just drives me nuts. He likes to get naked right after he gets home from work and stay that way all night if he doesn’t need to go anywhere. How can I talk to him about this? Signed, Living In A Naked House.

(Tempest looks incredibly confused.)

M: Temp?
Tempest: I don’t get what she’s complaining about. I mean, who doesn’t want to be naked? It’s easier to have sex when naked.
M: Personally, I’m not a huge fan of being naked. I don’t know why. I can do underwear, but not naked.
Tempest: (o_O) You wonder why you’re single?
M: Yeah, that’s what’s driving the guys away. Me not liking being naked. Nothing else has any impact on my dating life.
Tempest: I mean, it’s a start.
M: So what’s your advice?
Tempest: Gentle reader, please loosen the fuck up and let your man be comfortable in his own house. His nudity isn’t harming anyone and if him stripping down is the worst thing that’s going on in your relationship, I think you should count yourself as very lucky.
M: Fair enough. Last letter. Dear Tempest, I want to do a couple’s costume for my office party and my girlfriend thinks that’s silly. How do I talk her into doing it? Signed, Antony to her Cleopatra.

(Tempest rolls her eyes.)

Tempest: Do you remember a time when I used to answer interesting sex questions? These are so trivial. I want to get a question about how to finish two guys at once when you’re in the middle of group sex. I mean, come on.
M: Well, maybe next week you can delve into that topic. What’s your advice for this couple?
Tempest: Tell her you’ll get fired if you don’t do a couple’s costume. Problem solved.
M: Well, that’s all the questions we have.
Tempest: Awesome! Time for me to go arrange today’s threesome. Bye to all of my gentle readers and I’ll see you next week!
M: You know, we keep saying “week” and this is a monthly feature.
Tempest: Threesome time!

Disclaimer: Please don’t actually take any of Tempest’s advice. Although being naked is quite fun.

Horror-Scopes

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

You have the gift of gab! Stop. Using. It. Every. Goddamn. Second.

Seriously. Let someone else do the talking this month. Just for once. They will thank you for it. With audible sighs of relief.

Daily Affirmation

“Emotional intelligence is at the heart of the door of marvel”

The door of marvel is quite a marvelous thing. It’s, like, a door and you can marvel at it. Marvel at your own emotional intelligence, that is. How amazing are you? Pretty fucking amazing.

Featured MiST of the Month

Mist 105 – Emo Love Stories: Drake

I don’t remember much of this MiST, but I remember the host segment. Man, I miss Kalila. She was such a cute Leopardita.

Featured Sex Position of the Month, Tested and Approved by Tempest

So it’s come to my attention that some people are too intimidated to try my sex positions because they’re too complicated or they’re not flexible enough. Some people (coughMcough) have told me to do a vanilla position to everyone can play along. So here we go.

Hetero Missionary

What you need:

1 man
1 woman
1 condom
No imagination

How to do it:

Oh come on, do I need to explain this to you? Seriously. An eight year old with internet access knows this. Ugh, I need to do something super spicy to make up for this next week.

Next Week on Tempest’s Newsletter

Next week is Sex Month! Woot! It’s like a national holiday that was just made for me! I will be bringing you a super hot, spicy, sex, dirty, nasty Tempest’s Advice line and all of the sex advice that you could ever want or need. I’ll see you on November 15, when it all goes down. Including me!

To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.