Kindness and Weakness

from friends to lovers[Image: two people snuggling together on a dock underneath a red blanket.]

It takes a very strong person to be kind. It takes a strong person to know what kind of world we live in, how other people conduct themselves in that world, and choose to show kindness despite all of that. It never fails to sadden me how some people can see kindness, gentleness, compassion, and declare it weakness. The world hardens people. That’s what it does. It takes a much stronger person to still be kind after they have seen everything this world has to offer.

I Love You: A Vocalized Pause

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[Image: A person holding a gigantic red heart that covers their face. All you can see of them is their lower torso and their arms, enfolding the heart.]

Vocalized pauses are breaks in verbal communications that interrupt your thoughts. Vocalized pauses are identified as fillers such as: “ahh…, and…, uhh…, and umm…”

We all know I’ve told people that I loved them for all kinds of horrible reasons. But lately, I’ve been stopping myself from saying it and realizing just how much of a filler I had been using it as. It’s my first time being a relationship in over a year and now, whenever signing off, whenever expressing happiness, comfort, solidarity, or any other strong emotion, I keep finding myself thinking it and wanting to text it or say it. And why?

It’s early in the relationship and even if I was sure of my feelings, which I’m not, it wouldn’t be appropriate to spring this on my partner so early. Logically, I know all of this, so why does my bastard brain keep wanting to say it? And not just say it, but say it so often?

As for anyone who thinks that this is just my emotions breaking through and my heart proclaiming its true feelings despite my hesitation, please just stop. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not a tortured romantic who gets carried away by love. It’s that I’m a mentally ill person with very poor impulse control and entirely too much writing output.

It occurred to me that my willingness to proclaim my love was little more than a space filler in conversation. I was saying it in an perfunctory manner like a common greeting. The acknowledgement of this just made me sad. The next time I tell someone I love them in a romantic context, it’s not going to be because there was a long pause in conversation.

Jealousy

jealousy

[Image: The word “jealousy” spelled out in Scrabble tiles on a tile holder. Other Scrabble tiles are spread around in front and behind the holder.]

It’s a common convention in society that jealousy is not only a normal part of life, it’s a mandatory part. But jealousy, while it has its purpose in evolutionary biology, is not something that everyone experiences, or should experience. Some people are not jealous and not being jealous shouldn’t be considered odd or wrong.

I’ve never been a particularly jealous person. But I always felt as though I needed to be. It’s everywhere that you have to fiercely guard your mate, be cartoonishly mad if they so much as dare to look at another woman, and lay out, in no uncertain terms, that they will NOT be having strippers at their bachelor party. I believed this for as long as I could. But then I realized that I didn’t have to anymore.

When I started dating people in open relationships, I realized just how silly jealousy was. It wasn’t needed in a relationship and, if anything, it kept people from happiness. It didn’t preserve it. Once I saw how you could be so much more relaxed, free in your relationship, and not have to worry about petty jealousy issues, I questioned why I had always believed jealousy to be not only natural, but necessary.

Jealousy and mate guarding is seen as an evolutionary trait needed to safeguard your partner. If you are invested in a resource, then you need to guard it. You lock your house when you leave it, you put passwords on your phone, why would you leave your mate out there all unprotected and alone? But the fact is that your mate is not an object. They are a person free to make their own choices and if they choose to be with someone else, that is their decision. No amount of jealousy or possessiveness is going to make someone stay with you, and really, that shit can drive someone away very easily.

Even though sitcoms hilariously play women against each other when the ex comes to town, I know where I stand now. I don’t need to act jealous or talk about being jealous in order to appease some kind of societal ideal about relationships. I’m not a jealous person and I’m much happier not bothering to expend the energy to pretend that I am.

Don’t Lie on Your Online Dating Profile

glee-kurt-hummel

[Image: Glee promo picture showing character Kurt Hummel with his finger and his thumb in a shape of an L on his forehead.]

I’ve been watching the final season of Glee on Netflix and thoroughly enjoying the musical numbers and Lea Michele’s amazing voice. On one episode, Kurt Hummel, still reeling from his breakup with fiance, Blaine, goes on a date with someone he met on the internet. When he arrives at Breadstix for the meeting he finds that his date was not who he said he was. At all.

The man in question put up a 20-year-old photo of himself on the site and also edited certain parts out of his life. It turns out that he’s in his 50s, he was married for multiple decades, only came out of the closet a year previously and has children Kurt’s age. He explains to Kurt that he feels younger and didn’t want to scare Kurt off with his personal history. So he just hid it all. Kurt decides that this explanation is acceptable and continues to date the man. However, this is not acceptable and should absolutely have been a deal breaker.

People who date are always taking a risk that the person they think they’re talking to is actually the person they’re talking to. They have to put a certain amount of trust into their date because all they know about them is information they have provided, as well as their own words in conversation. If they misrepresent themselves, especially as significantly as this man did, they are abusing your trust in them. No matter how much someone wants to appeal to a date, they need to be upfront about their situation and especially their age.

It’s one thing for a person to lie and say they’re younger when they’re of legal age. When someone represents themselves as older when they’re underage, the police like to get involved. And when the cops get called on your date, no one is going to have a good time.

Personally, my profile was as accurate as possible and I updated it frequently. All of my photos were clear representations of myself, as I usually am, and were taken within a year of when I set up the profile. I had no interest in trying to fool anyone about who I am or what I wanted out of online dating. My goal was to meet people and I knew that meeting people would mean they would see what I look like and find out about me as a person. I wanted to make sure that nothing I put up there was in anyway misleading.

If I met someone who presented himself a certain way only to find out that he lied about his age, previous marital status, and children, I would not see them again. And no one else should feel obligated to either. When it comes to trust, it has to be earned. If their entire profile is a lie, they have broken your trust and tricked you into going out with them. It’s completely unfair to expect someone who would otherwise not be interested in dating someone that old with that history to go along with your feeling of being younger and your desire to date someone their age.

So kids, don’t lie on your online dating profiles. Post accurate pictures, give people a clear view of who you are and where you are in life. Don’t expect that someone who won’t date you if they find out you’re not making $100k a year is going to be so enthralled with your personality that they ignore the fact you lied AND you don’t make $100k a year. No one should be misled in a relationship, especially at the start. If you want to build a foundation for a friendship, a casual dating relationship, or something deeper, don’t think that you can build this based off of lies.

Men of OKC: The Convert

Sometimes the men of OKC amaze me. Often, not in a good way. I started talking to one man way back in August of 2014. He told me that he was born in Morocco and lived in France and a had led a really interesting life. So I talked to him about that. However, the second I brought up sex, he got weird. The next second he just got gross. Here’s what happened in August.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-09-24I never said that I wanted to have sex with him. I had mentioned that I had recently been rejected and was feeling down about it. It wasn’t an invitation. But apparently to him it was.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-09-38I’m sure. How many women have liked men because they told her they would?screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-09-50Will I though? Will I? screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-10-13Of course, he tries to win me over by talking about his penis. Little does he know that I’m the opposite of a size queen.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-10-28I’m not sure what he means when he says he wants to deep his dick. But I already told him that I’m not interested and even added a frowny face onto my message to show my utter disappointment. You’d think that would stop his penis talk. But no. He’s probably convinced that I like it.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-10-43Aw, he’s trying to help me. With his penis. After I don’t respond for two days, he invites me to dinner. Also probably with his penis. I didn’t respond to that either. And then, in May of 2015, this happens.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-10-52It sounds like he wasn’t aware that he had already talked to me and I had already told him no. This is not the first time this has happened though. So this time, I just decided to fuck with him. It says very clearly on my profile that I’m an atheist. But a friend suggested that I try this out on one of the Men of OKC, so I did.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-11-00Now I was curious. Just how far could I take this? screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-11-16So he was down with living in poverty and giving up all worldly possessions. So I made it sound like I belonged to some kind of dangerous new religious movement. Certainly this would arouse suspicion.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-11-24Nope. Turns out it just aroused him. It didn’t seem that I could say anything to make him question me or even outright call me on my bullshit. So I see if he’s willing to give up everything to live a life with Jesus.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-11-36I have no idea if he actually did this. At this point, I lost track of if I’m trolling or being trolled. Cause, damn.

I didn’t respond to his message. Mainly because I had no idea where to go from there. I mean, come on. I was being out trolled by someone who didn’t even seem to be trying! Then I got a message from a new username and went to check it out.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-12-26I was pretty sure that it was the same guy. But I decided that I would try a different tactic this time around.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-12-32He said he was willing to sleep under the stars for Jesus, let’s see how he takes me telling him that I don’t believe in Jesus’s divinity at all.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-12-43He keeps trying to convince me that I talked to him before. But I go with what’s on my profile and keep informing him that I’m an atheist. Which, has always been clearly visible on my page.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 08-12-54A day after he wanted to be a Christian in some kind of weird denomination that practices sterilization and poverty, he now wants to be an atheist? Am I being trolled? Is this the power of boobs? What’s going on here? So I decide to run with this.11121290_10100873238111274_183959986_nWHAT?! I mean…. WHAT?!

I say that he has to eat a baby and his first response is, “What kind of baby”?! I give up, dude. This is too much for me. I tried to troll and I was out-trolled. By a dude who isn’t intelligent enough to remember his OKC password.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 10-19-54Learn from me? What in the world does he expect to learn from me? And really, he says he’s willing to eat a baby, dead or alive, and I’m supposed to want to meet him.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 10-34-44So some people on my Facebook theorized that he meant “slave”. Which, is just as weird as his talk of massaging my butt. Maybe this is the power of my ass and not my tits working this time. Maybe this is the way of the ass. I have no clue.screenshot-www.okcupid.com 2015-05-11 12-12-00He’s 12 inches now? He was 11 back in August. He must have grown!

I flat out gave up at this point. I have been out trolled. But you know what? I ain’t even mad. Fair play to you, dude. Whether you knew what you were doing or not, I am put off, I am confused, I am terrified, and I am wary of the powers of my own ass. I’m also hesitant about trying to troll someone else.f1598ef8d73eb2724f8f24d7db2b2a90ea8a2ca31c9c59c67a95623f0608b203

Can’t get enough of the Men of OKC? Click here.