The Indoor Adventures of Happy Cat: Traitor

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[Image description: Happy Cat, a stunningly beautiful Maine Coon, lounges next to Bijou’s shoes. He looks slightly surprised at his photo being taken during this intimate moment.]

May 23, 2015

3:04pm

She’s here.

3:05pm

She’s definitely here.

3:10pm

My heart has stopped. Lady Cozette de Lune Babineaux has returned! When she used to live here, I affectionately gave her a cat name. I bestowed upon her a formal name and then nicknamed her Bijou. She’s so beautiful. She speaks French sometimes, among other languages. But French is, by far, the most beautiful. She speaks it like the most sophisticated human has ever spoken it. Probably. I don’t speak French, I’m a cat.

And then, sometimes, she rubs my tummy. I wonder why she’s come back. Perhaps she had missed me and wants to be around her Happy Cat again.

3:21pm

I just remembered: she left me.

It was my darkest day. She was here, then she loaded up her things and she left me. Left me as if I was nothing to her. Just a cat in a house where she was renting a room. Not a cat who was her soul mate. Her cat mate. Her one, true kitty.

I shouldn’t trust her. She might do the same thing and leave me again. I shouldn’t trust her at all.

3:30pm

The Petter is back. Where was she today? She’s been gone for years! Or it might have been a few hours. I don’t know. My emotions are in such a jumble.

I should watch and see what happens. Maybe Bijou is coming back to live with me. Maybe she has seen the error of her ways and she has returned to be my secondary Personal Petter. Mine runs off so much, I should have a backup anyway. I should go find one of my pink fluff balls to present to Bijou as a gift for her welcomed return.

5:23pm

The Petter is back downstairs now. She and Bijou seem to be watching something on the Petter’s computer. There’s music and some nonsense going on. I don’t know. I’m a cat.

I decided to go make my presence known. I stepped into the TV room and waited for everyone to fawn over me. Welcome home, Bijou! Welcome home!

5:24pm

Okay, so neither of them are paying attention to me. They keep talking about someone singing this and Russia singing that and other things that don’t make sense. Humans.

I need to remind them who is in charge here and who needs their abject, devoted worship and who —

Are those her shoes?

5:26pm

I LOVE SHOES, I LOVE SHOES, I LOVE SHOES!

Forget Bijou and the Petter and everything else in the world! I have lovely, lovely shoes! I roll and play and roll and play and put my furry paws right back into the shoes and then back in again. It feels so nice.

They smell like Bijou, too. How can feet smell so good and why do shoes smell even better? I don’t know. I just know that I must play in them and around them and enjoy everything I can about them. Oh, sweet shoes. Where have you been all my life?

7:47pm

She’s gone.

AND SO ARE HER SHOES!

Why are humans so cruel? They play with your emotions so much. I just wanted a secondary Personal Petter to love me and snuggle me and remind me how elegant and beautiful I am every hour on the hour. And then she just leaves and takes her shoes with her. Humans don’t need all of those shoes. They have so many pairs. What about a cat pair? That would only be reasonable.

Farewell, sweet Bijou. You break my heart, once again. If you ever return, please leave your shoes as a tribute to me and our undying love. And if that’s asking too much, then just leave your shoes.

To read more in the Adventures of Happy Cat, click here.

Tempest’s Newsletter – Issue 7

heart-beat

[Image: A blue background with a white grid over it. An anatomical heart is on the left, mostly in blue with the some pulsing red. The white line of a heart beat stretches across the image.]

It’s September and bikini season is at an end. I know, I know, huge sad faces. But the good news is that in the fall there’s still lots of hot sex to be had! And I’m going to show you how to do it.

Tempest’s Advice Line

(M is already in the studio with the camera crew. After the producer was fired, M has taken over duties and has been working with the crew to produce even more high-quality Tempest nonsense. Tempest enters wearing a one-piece cut out bathing suit.)

M: Uh, Temp, you realize that it’s not summer anymore, right?
Tempest: (Glaring.) I’m wearing my bathing suit out of mourning. Besides, there are no seasons in space. In here it COULD be summer still.
M: Well, that’s a good point. Why don’t you get a seat and we do some tech stuff before we start.
Tempest: Make sure I look extra beautiful today. (She sits down in her usual spot and smiles at the camera.)
M: You always look beautiful, Tempest. There’s not much for me to do.

(M talks to the camera operator for a while then comes over to the couch to join Tempest.)

Camera operator: Ready when you are.
M: (Picking up her iPad.) Let’s do this.
Tempest: (Smiling brightly.) Hello everyone and welcome to Tempest’s Advice Line! It feels like a month since you’ve been here. Let’s lube up and dive on in to make up for lost time.

(M is studying the iPad in confusion.)

Tempest: Hey, M, this is your cue.
M: Uh, Temp?
Tempest: What?
M: It would seem that your loyal fans are celebrating my 30th birthday this month by sending me questions.
Tempest: …. They did what?
M: Yeah, all of these questions are for me.
Tempest: But you can’t give advice! You’ll tell them to be boring and shit and do responsible things.
M: Well, your fans have spoken. There are no questions for you in this mailbag. (She hands Tempest the iPad.) Here, why don’t you ask me some stuff?
Tempest: (Turning red.) But… But… I… ! (She looks over the iPad and sighs. Tempest looks back up at the camera.) Okay, kids, this is apparently what you wanted; the most boring episode of Tempest’s Advice Line ever. I hope you’re all pleased with yourselves.
M: (Sitting back on the couch.) Ask away, Tempster.

(Tempest scrolls through the emails and clicks on one.)

Tempest: Dear M, I want to write, but I’m scared to start. How do I overcome my fears and start blogging like you do?
M: Well, gentle reader, being scared is perfectly normal. Starting and maintaining a blog can be a huge project. But just because something is difficult and time consuming, don’t let that stop you from trying. Maybe you’ll start your blog and find out that you love it more than anything in the world. Maybe you’ll start your blog and find out that it’s not for you. Either way, have fun, press on, and love to write.
Tempest: God, my show is really going downhill.
M: I’m ready for my next question, Tempest.
Tempest: (Scrolling through questions.) So many of these are about writing. Ugh, you need a new hobby. Dear M, You haven’t MiSTed in a while, are you done with MiSTing?
M: My MiSTing waxes and wanes. Sometimes I want to do nothing but MiST other times, I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less. MiSTing is rather difficult, to be honest, so sometimes I have to get into a groove. So I will MiST again. I just don’t know when.
Tempest: Why are you talking about MiSTing being so difficult? We do all the work. You just sit in the control room and boss us around.
M: Of course, Tempest. That’s what I do.
Tempest: Ugh. Final letter. Dear M, I heard a rumor that you stopped drinking Dr Pepper and are now a vegetarian. Is that true?
M: Well, yes.
Tempest: Don’t lie to people just to make yourself sound more interesting, M. And if you do, lie about getting fucked by Christian Slater in the bathroom of a movie premiere.
M: It’s not a lie, actually. I’ve kept up my character drinking Dr Pepper and eating meat. But I stopped drinking soda in 2012 and I’ve been a vegetarian since May 2015. Side note, so that story about Christian Slater was a lie, huh?
Tempest: Uh, I mean, it wasn’t a lie. I just… said we did it doggy only and I totally rode him as well. I didn’t want to make anyone jealous.

(The camera operator signals to M.)

M: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Tempest, would you like to wrap it up?
Tempest: I guess… Happy birthday, M. Next week we’ll be back to talking about me. So readers, don’t go anywhere.
M: Until next time!

(M and Tempest wave as the camera finishes.)

Tempest: Thank Thor that’s over.
M: I had fun, Tempest. It was great to be asked the questions. We’ll have to do this again sometime.
Tempest: Don’t ever say anything to me like that again.

Disclaimer: Don’t take any advice in this show. I know there was very little in this one. But it’s generally not a good idea. If you have a question for Tempest or M, contact Scrapbook Of Truth on our Facebook page.

Horror-Scopes by Tempest

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Oh, Virgo. It’s time to shake off your pretense of being so moral and virginal and just go have fun with your bad self! Sure, the stars say that you’re modest and reserved, but I’ve partied with some Virgos and they knew how to throw down when it came to tequila shots. So go drink some tequila, Virgos! It’s good for your health.

Tempest’s Daily Affirmations

“The world relies on precious sensations.”

I don’t know what this means.

I had tofu for the first time the other day. Do you know that it’s actually not bad? There are so many jokes about it being terrible, but it’s pretty tasty. I mean, it’s not like first date sex or anything, but it’s pretty good.

Featured MiST of the Month, Selected by Tempest

MiST 101 – I Can Save You, I Promise, Part 1

Ah, Victoria-Alicia. Your origin story makes no sense. The rest of your story makes no sense. You make no sense. But you’re so upset about everything in the process. I especially enjoyed the part where she gets upset when someone calls her “Victoria”. Because that’s, like, not her name or something.

Sex Position of the Month, Tested and Approved by Tempest

The Stand and Deliver

What you’ll need: One man, one woman, one condom, lots of strength and dexterity.

How you do it: Get warmed up with some hot foreplay. When the man is ready, put the condom on. Then the woman lays on the edge of her bed, with her legs up, feet over her head. The man penetrates her, then holds her firmly (she holds onto him for more security) and he stands.

From in the air, he can completely control the motion and achieve deep penetration with the help of gravity. Also, that skin slapping sound you’ll make is super erotic. Women, be sure to help your man out, he’s carrying you and might need some guidance in order to hit your spot just right.

Now, this position is not for beginners. Obviously. You and your partner need to be strong, flexible, and it helps if the lady is a bit on the light side. But once you get it going and it’s just right. WOW! You will be so glad you tried it.

To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.

The Indoor Adventures of Happy Cat: The Day the World Moved

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[Image: Happy cat, reclining on the stairs. He has his head over one step.]

April 23, 2015

9:01am

Something is wrong.

I was asleep on my pillow, basking in the loving glow of my mom and the knowledge that I, Happy Cat LaBranche, am the undisputed King of the House and ruler of my domain, when mom got up and started acting very strangely. At first she put on those clothes that humans use to hide their strange, fur-less bodies. That is nothing strange, other than how strange it is that humans think they need clothes. But then, she started to put things in different places.

It’s hard to explain this behavior. I’ve seen it a few times with humans, but usually not with mine. It’s like they’re rearranging their belongings. Maybe it’s to categorize them or ensure that all of them are still there. Maybe they get bored with how things always look and they want something different. I have no idea. But she stared moving things off of the floor and putting them onto the bed. Eventually, she got too close to my pillow throne and I removed myself to the bathtub. I wanted some water anyway.

10:23am

I’m tired of playing in the bathtub. I’ve had all of the water that I want and then I dumped my water dishes over to watch it go down the drain. Water is so fascinating. It’s fascinating but scary. It’s like it’s harmless in small doses and then you add too much and suddenly it’s a big glob of terror for most cats. I’ve read on the internet about cats that like water. But, well, some cats wear sweaters. So what can we say for my once-proud feline race?

I emerged from the bathroom to see that the landscape had shifted. Drastically. I jumped back and looked around suspiciously. Parts of the room had been moved. I wondered if I was having some kind of catnip-induced hallucination. But I couldn’t be having one of those. I hadn’t had any nip in ages! (Thanks for that, useless caretakers.)

This is strange. I walked around and found that there were fresh spots of carpet underneath where the things used to be. I sat down on one of the dusty spots and surveyed the new landscape. Just then I saw a pink puffball. A new pink puffball! I ran over and grabbed it in my mouth, jumping onto the bed to play with it. I love my puffballs. I have his brother down in the closet kingdom right now. Maybe I should reunite them and play with them both at the same time!

“Oh, there you are, kitty,” I looked up to see mom entering the bedroom. With her she had the vacuum. I dropped my pink puffball in surprise and ran from the room.

11:45am

There’s vacuuming going on upstairs. Sure, humans say that they love you. They give you treats and food and tell you that you’re a good kitty, but then they do bullshit like this.

If I was a political kind of cat (which, my politics do not extend out of my closet kingdom), I would fight against the use of vacuum cleaners everywhere. Buildings need Roombas that we noble cats can ride on! Not these horrible monsters with hoses and wires. I should bring this up next time the humans have a family meeting. Although, this time they have to invite me with a formal invitation. I can’t drop everything to run and help the humans, after all. I’m entirely too important for that.

2:00pm

I was so stressed out that I had to take a long nap in the closet. The personal petter was in the TV room messing around. That little box she has must be utterly fascinating because she’s on it all the time. I wish she would go somewhere. I want the entire couch to myself. I want to sit on the arm rest and just look at the room. For hours. And I can’t believe she is there and would mess up my flow.

2:12pm

I wandered back upstairs to see what mom was up to. The bedroom was still in this different state with the things in different places, but the floors seemed cleaner. I wonder if there is a connection between that and the vacuum. I have no idea.

Anyway, I looked around and surveyed my new domain. I guess I will have to get used to this now. The walkways are not so clear, but I can still get to the bed and the bathroom. I guess things could be worse.

I hopped onto my pillow and got onto my Sphinx pose. Just in case mom needs to be reminded who is really in charge here. Speaking of which, I didn’t see her. I wondered where she had gotten off to when she emerged from the sunset room with a stack of blankets in her arms. Where do humans get all of these things?

I have just a few cat toys and that’s more than enough for me. Humans are so strange. Hmmm, I think I’m hungry. Time for some kibble and maybe a kitty treat if my petter is around. Then a nap. Lots of naps.

7:34pm

Okay, no one panic, but I went back upstairs and… the room is just like it was this morning. I don’t know how she did it, but mom replaced the objects and mountains of things and the room is back. It’s like magic. Human magic.

I wonder if this will happen again. Maybe it’s a one-time thing. Maybe not. I will be cautious and not panic if this does occur once more. Humans do keep my life interesting, at least.

To read more in the Adventures of Happy Cat, click here.

Tempest’s Newsletter – Issue 6

my heart beat

[Image: A black grid background with a blue line across it indicating a heartbeat with a blue heart behind it.]

Is it August already? Better keep getting to the pool, because those bikinis will be gone soon! Good thing I’m here to keep your life hot and spicy, no matter what season it is. Read on, my loyal fans. By the way, I’m calling you Stormers now. You’re welcome.

Tempest’s Advice Line

(Tempest enters the studio. She is clad in a short tube dress with large, dangle earrings and flip flops. M follows behind her, carrying her iPad. Neither talk as they walk over to the couches and settle in. Tempest sits down in her usual armchair with M on the couch. Then Tempest switches to the armchair on the opposite side of the stage.)

M: (Looking up.) You going to sit over there today?
Tempest: I’m not sure. I was really pondering what my best side is last night and maybe I should try both, then analyze the tapes to find out.
M: I think you look great from both sides.
Tempest: You’re also a grown woman that wears Hello Kitty t-shirts unironically.
M: Fine then. You look terrible from both sides.
Tempest: Don’t be a hater, M. No one likes jealousy.

(The Producer and the camera crew enter and start getting ready.)

Producer: Hey Tempest, I like you on that side of the couch. You look even better than usual right there.
Tempest: Thanks! I knew experimenting with my best side would pay off.

(M rolls her eyes and goes back to her iPad.)

Producer: We got really good ratings with our Tila special. Let’s make this week’s even more exciting, okay?
M: (Deadpan.) Yeah, I’m all over this with excitement.
Tempest: It’s okay, M. I’m used to being exciting enough for both of us.

(The Producer nods to the camera crew then turns to Tempest.)

Producer: Okay, baby girl, it’s all you.
Tempest: Thanks! And —
M: (Interrupting.) Wait a second. “Baby girl”? Dude, why are you so sexist? You’re fictional. And moreover, why do we even need you? Sharyna and I were producers in the original TAL.
Producer: You need me because… uh.. union rules!
M: There are no unions for fictional characters. We’ve covered this in two MiSTs! You’re outta here, buddy!
Producer: …Shit!

(Producer poofs out of existence.)

M: Well, that problem is solved. Temp, take it away.

(Tempest fixes her tube dress and straightens, brightly.)

Tempest: Hello, everyone! Welcome to Tempest’s Advice Line! I’m your host, Tempest, and I’m here to answer all of your burning questions about love, relationships, and how to be the sexiest person on the block. M, my loyal assistant, please read to me my first question.
M: (Eying Tempest.) Okay… Dear Tempest, I recently declared my freedom by going topless at the local beach. I was arrested for public nudity and I’m not sure what to do. How do I explain to people that I was liberating my body from the oppression of clothes like you always do? Sincerely, Jail Boobs.
Tempest: Well, that’s easy. Baring your breasts in protest that you’re not allowed to bare your breasts is constitutionally-protected speech. Well, action. Just go and say that your boobs were protesting the oppression that they experience every day. And make people remember how feeling and comfortable everyone would be if they would just strip out of some clothes and enjoy life a bit more.

(There is a few seconds of silence as M stares at Tempest in confusion and Tempest smiles and waves to the camera.)

Tempest: Next question, M.
M: Uh, yeah. Sometimes you confuse me. Anyway, Dear Tempest, I’m a recently divorced man that wants to experiment with other men. But I haven’t dated in years and I’ve never dated a man. How do I even start to navigate this journey? Signed, Bi-Curious And Hating It.
Tempest: Well, first off, don’t expect it to be easy. You’re doing something completely new and scary. So go into it knowing that there’s going to be a learning curve and it will be plenty nerve wracking. Next, start on Grindr and just get some booty! No way to ease you into dating men like getting it from behind from someone with an nine inch dick!
M: ….. Tempest? What does the word “ease”, mean to you?
Tempest: Oh, and don’t be shy when it comes to asking a gay guy to give it to you really hard! They like that.
M: Why are you acting like you know what gay men like in bed?
Tempest: Cause I’m a pansexual and I’ve done gay guys before?
M: But how are… you know what? Never mind. Never fucking mind. Last question. Dear Tempest, I love your show! Thanks for reading my question. I recently had a baby and I just don’t feel very sexy. How can I get my groove back and get my husband interested in me again? Sincerely, New Mama Needs Some Lovin’.
Tempest: Well, babies can kill romance, no joke. But feeling sexy is a state of mind. It doesn’t have anything to do with how you actually look. So hike up those floppy tits, dress up your worn out vagina and take your husband out for a hot date! Tell yourself that you’re hot, no matter how flabby your arms are and you will eventually come to believe it.
M: …I didn’t think it was possible, but it seems like there has been a distinct decline in the quality of advice during this Advice Line.
Tempest: Well, that’s all for today! Come back next week for my advice, more fun, and lots more Tempest!

(M sees that they’re clear and camera crew starts to pack up. M puts her iPad back in its case and looks over at Tempest.)

M: You do realize that doing this show didn’t get you off the hook for MiSTing, right?
Tempest: Well, it delayed it for a while, you have to admit that. So it served its purpose. Besides, why deny my fans any more of me than they have to!
M: Right.

*Don’t actually take Tempest’s advice. She really doesn’t know what the word “ease” means.

Tempest Presents Horror-scopes

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) There’s a lot of good shit happening around you this week, Leo. But you’re too worried about silly things to realize this! This week, get your head out of your ass and just appreciate what you have. Stop being such a worry wart and look on the bright side of life instead of being down in the dumps over the little things that go wrong. Also, your significant other is cheating on you. Kick ’em to the curb and give me a call!

Tempest Interviews Starring Tempest

Hi everyone! It’s a new section of the Newsletter. This week I’m interviewing Prisma Salvatore. She’s Melanie’s daughter and she’s oh so sexy in her black outfits. Read on to find out what’s on her mind!

Tempest: Thanks so much for talking to me, Prisma.
Prisma: I was very surprised to hear that your newsletter benefits a children’s cancer charity. I’m very excited to be a part of something that helps out those that are truly in need.
Tempest: Uh… yeah… that’s right. Well, let’s get started on our interview! So, tell me why no one calls you Smoke anymore.
Prisma: Smoke was a codename that I had in my original story when I was an assassin. That persona was completely redesigned so the codename fell by the wayside.
Tempest: That’s too bad. Smoke was super sexy and mysterious.
Prisma: I’m in another story now, so who knows? It might make another appearance.
Tempest: How is married life going for you and Questen?
Prisma: Wonderfully. It’s actually a lot less stressful than I thought it was going to be.
Tempest: How can there be stress when you’re living with the person that you want to bone? It sounds like a perfect arrangement to me. Aside from the whole monogamy thing.
Prisma: I’m rather okay with monogamy, but I appreciate your point of view.
Tempest: When do you think M is going to actually work on your story?
Prisma: M works in mysterious ways. Who knows when the time will be right. She’s been waiting for my story to simmer for long enough. One day, she will go through and edit and then put it up on Amazon. Everyone has to be patient until then.
Tempest: I started reading your story, but I got so bored. I mean, there’s just so many WORDS. How can anyone read that many words?
Prisma: (Chuckling.) I rather like to read myself. But yes, my story is made up for 142 thousand words and I’m sure M realizes that not all of them are needed.
Tempest: One more question before you go; if you could change one thing about your story, what would it be?
Prisma: Hmmm, that’s actually a good question. I think I’d do fewer dream sequences. Some of them move the story along, but in the book I have nightmares almost every night and it just gets deeply upsetting after a while.
Tempest: Totally cool! Thanks so much for doing this interview and I will make sure all of the proceeds go to the, uh, Kid’s Against Bad Cancer Stuff Foundation.
Prisma: …. There’s no children’s cancer charity, is there?
Tempest: Well, not as such. But I could make one!

Daily Affirmations by Tempest

“Our consciousness quiets the flow of boundaries.”

A lot of people think that personal boundaries are like walls. But they’re not. They flow, just like rivers and change as people and relationships do. Sometimes our boundary flows become very noisy because something is wrong or we feel uncomfortable. And when that happens, we need to use our consciousness to quiet them and reassure us that all is well in our world. So then, our boundaries can flow again. Let your boundaries flow, everyone. Let them flow.

Featured MiST of the Month, picked out by Tempest

MiST 74 – Amy & Him

I really liked this MiST because, first of all, the host segments are about me. But also because it makes no goddamn sense. And there’s a huge section repeated in the middle that Dominick bravely did all on his own. It was quite impressive! We had all given up. Yeah, this one is fun. Not in an actually fun way. But in a MiSTing fun way.

Featured Sex Position Tempest Has Quality Tested

The Double Dip

What you’ll need: One woman, two men, two condoms, lube

Double Dip is double penetration and it can be really fun if you know what you’re doing! So pay careful attention. We’re only going to talk about anal and vaginal penetration this time. Doing double in one hole is an entirely different position. So listen up, here we go.

Vaginae are usually ready to go after some foreplay, but you have to prepare the anus a little more carefully. If it’s your first time doing double, then I recommend that you do just some plain anal to get you started. Make sure that everything is prepared and ready to go. And remember what I said about lube during my anal tutorial.

Now, the easiest way to do the Double Dip is to have one man lay on his back and the woman mount him. The man on his back gets the vagina. The other man then get the anus and he mount the woman that has already been penetrated. Make sure you go slowly and everyone is comfortable. Nothing is worst than when you’re trying to get off and someone is leaning on your hair or something.

Have the two men work out a rhythm and listen to the woman’s feedback. Once you’ve got your rhythm worked out and everyone is enjoy themselves, then go for it. Nothing fills you with more pleasure than when two men fill you with their spunk. Trust me, guys. It’s the gift that women love.

Next Week on Tempest’s Advice Line

M is turning 30 in September. How scary is that? I remember when she was underage and dating old men. Time flies! Come back next week for some of M’s birthday celebrations and more of my fun and spice. And don’t forget, a man that gets you roses cares about you, but a woman that does anal on the first date is forever.

To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.

YOLO Girls College: Episode 2: Baby on the Brain

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[Image: A background of glitter with the word “YOLO” in black across it.]

Kassidi Kerr always knew that she was going to marry young. From the time when she first understood what weddings were, she demanded to play wedding with her friends. Her fondest childhood dreams were drawing her wedding dress, arranging the seating charts, and kicking girls out of her bridal party that annoyed her that week. She knew it was just a matter of time before she found that special man that would slip an engagement ring on her finger and ask her to be his wife.

When she met Stu, she knew that he was the one. Just like the last four boyfriends before him. He was sweet, kind, caring, dedicated, and so intelligent. They had started dating soon after they graduated high school. As soon as Kassidi heard that he was a pre-med student, she knew that she had made the right choice. He would be able to provide for her and her future children, without a doubt.

But as much as they loved each other and as much time as they spent together, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries passed without Stu getting down on one knee and producing the ten thousand dollar engagement ring that Kassidi had texted him multiple photos of. Now that she was in her junior year of college, she was getting impatient. Confused and unsure of what to do, Kassidi called an emergency Sunday meeting of the YOLO Girls in order to discuss the situation.

The girls filtered into Kassidi’s suite one by one. Meadow entered humming a Taylor Swift song, Mikaia arrived clutching her astronomy text book against her red jacket. Kaydence showed up with a selection of gluten-free cupcakes. Kaity, however, didn’t want any because she already had her Pumpkin Spice Starbucks latte and was too full from that. Tyonna didn’t particularly care for the cupcakes as she knew that she could make better ones herself. Marlie wanted to sing everyone the new song that she had learned in her vocal performance class, but Kassidi tried to remind her that they were here for her, not for Marlie’s singing career.

Jaimee was the penultimate to arrive. She was carrying a box of tissues as she walked in and complained about possibly having Ebola. Sundee arrived last, carrying a protest sign against professors forcing students to dissect animals in science classes. Once all of the girls were assembled, Kassidi cleared her throat and began.

“You know I’ve been seeing Stu for a really long time, right?” She started.

“Yeah, like since the beginning of college,” Marlie nodded.

“That is such a long time,” Kaydence agreed.

“Well, he’s not proposing to me,” Kassidi said, biting her lower lip. “I thought that maybe he would do it this year on my birthday. But he didn’t. I’m not sure what he’s waiting for, but I’m getting worried.”

“Why are you worried? He so loves you,” Tyonna said, encouragingly.

“I know that he cares about me, but does he see the rest of his life with me?” Kassidi questions. “Marriage is the only way to show your true love for someone and he hasn’t proposed yet. I need to know for sure.”

“Well, I have an idea…” Kaity said, slowly, sipping her latte.

“What?” Kassidi asked, eagerly.

“My sister was dating a guy for five years and he hadn’t proposed. She got upset and faked a pregnancy. He married her right away, then she convinced him to have sex without condoms since she was already pregnant and she got pregnant anyway,” Kaity said, happily. “They’ve been married for 3 years now and they’re totally in love.”

Kassidi gasped. This was prefect! Stu always said that he had wanted children. While he might not be ready to propose to his girlfriend right now, he would definitely be ready to propose to the future mother of his child.

“That is such a great idea,” Jaimee nodded. “Stu is such an upstanding guy, there’s no way that he would leave you or anything like that.”

“Oh!” Marlie said, her eyes lighting up. “You can get positive pregnancy tests on Craig’s List. Just look for them and grab one and get a photo and send it to Stu. He will be completely convinced.”

“This is such a great idea!” Kassidi said, her hands vibrating with excitement. “Oh my god, I’m going to be engaged by the end of the week!”

The girls tried to share her joy, but all of them had to admit that they were jealous. None of them were in relationships and the thought of seeing one of their new friends engaged when they were still single was hard to cope with. But they all put on brave faces and pretended they were ecstatic for their girlfriend.

*

After the girls left, Kassidi got onto Craig’s List and started searching for positive pregnancy tests. She emailed two separate sellers, just in case one didn’t work out, and then decided to look over the baby things for fun. She would need to be looking at these soon enough, so why not start now? Kassidi was deep in contemplation about which style of crib she liked best when she got her first response.

Kassidi,

I can sell you one positive pregnancy test for $25. If you need two I can sell them for $45. We can arrange a meeting tomorrow, if that’s convenient to you.

Sincerely,

Jenna

Kassidi smiled. This would be perfect. She composed a quick response back to her that she would need only one and asked her if she could meet her after her classes ended at 3pm. Sitting back, after sending the message, Kassidi sighed to herself in satisfaction. Everything was going to be perfect.

*

When Kassidi returned to her dorm room after picking up the pregnancy test, Meadow and Mikaia were waiting for her. The girls smiled at each other and regarded the brown paper sack that Kassidi carried, with a knowing glance. Kassidi wordlessly let the other girls into her dorm room and immediately shut and locked the door after them. She approached the bag carefully and gently removed the positive test.

She had to stop herself from giggling as she picked up her cell phone went into the suite’s bathroom. Her friends waited patiently as she took 60 different shots of herself in the mirror with the positive test. When she finally decided on the perfect selfie, she sent it to Stu with the message, “We’re going to be parents!”

Emerging from the bathroom Meadow and Mikaia both started clapping in excitement. Kassidi laughed and jumped into the air, her fingers tingling. She couldn’t believe that this was happening. She was going to be engaged soon!

“Do you think he’ll text right away?” Meadow asked.

“I’m not sure,” Kassidi said, looking back at her phone. “He said that the leader of his Campus Crusaders for Christ was sick and they might not be meeting today. If they didn’t meet then he should be at his study group. If they did meet then he won’t get the message until 5pm.”

“We should go get an early dinner and update all of the girls on what’s going on,” Mikaia said, clasping her hands together in delight.

“Yeah, let’s get going,” Kassidi agreed. She tucked her phone into her jean pocket, ready for when she would hear Stu’s alert, pick up her phone and read that he had proposed marriage to her.

*

Kassidi was at dinner, discussing Taylor Swift’s new hairstyle with Meadow when her phone rang. She squealed in delight at the ring tone, One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful”, which had always been their song. The other YOLO girls looked at her in envy, knowing that she was seconds away from a marriage proposal and one step closer to becoming someone’s wife, which is what they all wanted, in one form or another.

Kassidi waved to her friends as she took her phone outside of the dining hall and answered it. “Hello?” She gushed, trying to keep her voice pleasant and casual.

“What happened?!” Stu blurted out. “I got the picture, what the fuck happened?”

“I’m pregnant!” Kassidi announced. She loved to hear herself say that. She thought that she better get used to it now as she would be saying it to Stu in the future plenty of times.

“But you’re on birth control, we use condoms, this wasn’t supposed to happen!” Stu cried in one breath. Kassidi cleared her throat. He didn’t seem as excited as a future father should be. She needed to remind him how lucky he was just to have her.

“You’re right, we’re very careful,” she said, “but you know that no birth control method is completely effective. We were always going to start a family together, Stu. This is just starting a little earlier than we had planned.”

“We never talked about kids,” Stu said, his already loud voice rising another octave. “I’m in school, I can’t afford a baby! And us, we’ve only been dating for a little while and I told you that I was uncomfortable with the idea of getting serious with anyone before I’m finished with my education!”

Kassidi laughed that comment off. “Don’t be shy, Stu,” she told him, watching a girl and her boyfriend walk hand in hand toward the dining hall. “I know you’re hesitant to love again after your ex broke up with you and I completely understand that. But I’m different. We’re meant to be together. This is just the start of the family that we were always going to have.”

“Kassidi, this is too much for me right now,” Stu said, suddenly. His voice becoming flat and cold. “I will call you in a few days and we can talk about what we’re going to do. Please don’t tell anyone or do anything until we talk, okay? We need to keep all options open.”

“Of course we do,” Kassidi agreed. “I would rather get married now and then have the baby later this year, but if you want me to be super hot in the wedding photos, I completely understand if you want to wait until I have the baby and get back to my pre-pregnancy body in a few weeks. We also need to talk about our budget, the wedding size, baby names even. We have a lot of options that we need to discuss.”

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Kassidi looked out across campus, already thinking of what kind of wedding dress she wanted. She had always looked good in mermaid dresses. So that was a natural silhouette choice for her.

“Kassidi,” Stu said, slowly, “when I say options, we need to think about maybe not having this baby at all. Neither of us are prepared for a child and this could ruin our lives.”

Kassidi made a choking sound, unable to comprehend what her future husband had just told her. She was already highly invested in their imaginary baby and she couldn’t understand why he didn’t feel the same way. “But… but…” the young woman stammered.

“Let me take a few days and get my head together. I promise I will call you soon, okay?” Before Kassidi could even reply, he hung up. She pulled her phone away from her ear and looked at it, blinking back tears.

This was not how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to be overjoyed about the baby. They were supposed to celebrate together with alcohol-free sparkling cider and confess their nervousness. They were supposed to discuss what gender their child might be and throw out ridiculous baby names from when they were children themselves and didn’t have the cognition to name a child something responsible. They were supposed to discuss marriage and getting a place together. How they were going to afford a baby and how excited their parents would be to find out that they are going to be grandparents.

Kassidi knew exactly how this entire night was supposed to have gone. What in the world was wrong with Stu? She looked back at the dining hall entrance, her eyes still watery. She couldn’t go back in there and face the other YOLO Girls. Yes, they were her friends, but she had always been the most mature one and the others looked to her for guidance. How could she possibly tell them that she let them down in the most spectacular way possible? Kassidi just couldn’t do it.

Stepping away from the dining hall, Kassidi returned to her dorm room to think. She sat on the edge of her bed and gripped her blankets. All was not lost though, she told herself. Stu needed time to gather his thoughts. He could come to the natural conclusion that they should get married and raise their imaginary child together. He would meet with her, talk about how scared he had been by their approaching future.

He would take her into his arms, kiss her deeply and then make love to her without a condom. She would have already thrown out her birth control by then and that way, she was one step closer to making their dreams come true. It would be perfect. Kassidi brightened. Of course that’s what would happen. It wasn’t on her time schedule, but Stu loved her, and she loved him. There was no other way for this go to.

*

When Kassidi caught up with the YOLO Girls the next day, she told them that Stu had been really overwhelmed by the good news and needed some space to adjust to his new role as husband and father. The girls all understood. This was a lot for one person to deal with, so who wouldn’t need some time on your own to sort through your feelings and really prepare yourself for your future? The girls all decided to share the happy news of Kassidi’s impending marriage and baby with some of their other friends.

Kassidi also told her mother and posted a hinting status on Facebook for all of her friends to see, two days after she had had that conversation with Stu. She was still waiting for him to contact her in order to see if he wanted to go with a traditional pink or blue room for their future child, or something more radical like a green or a yellow. When her phone rang that evening, after her last class and right before dinner, Kassidi was leaning more towards green.

“You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” played happily as Kassidi picked up her phone from where it rested on her desk. She put down her latte and closed out of her Instagram page before picking it up.

“Hello?” she chirped.

“My mom knows you’re pregnant!” Stu blurted out.

“Oh, does she?” Kassidi asked, innocently.

“My sister saw your Facebook post about where to buy diapers and told my mom and my mom freaked the fuck out and called me. She told me that it better not be true or they weren’t going to help me finish medical school. I told you not to tell anyone!” Stu demanded again.

“I actually posted that on Facebook for a friend,” Kassidi casually lied. “But your mom needs to know anyway,” she reasoned. “How else is she going to help me plan a baby shower?”

“Kassidi, you are ruining my life!” Stu shouted.

Kassidi paused, unsure of how to interpret what he had just said. “That’s no way to talk to the mother of your child,” She mumbled in response. How could he be so rude? Didn’t he even think about what this fake pregnancy had put her through? She just read that some women poop during delivery. She was risking that, all for the sake of their family. How selfish could he be?

“Kassidi, I can’t do this. I told you that I didn’t want to get serious, this was a total accident, I don’t want to be with you, we need to part ways. If you choose to keep the baby, I will find a way to pay child support but I don’t want to be involved in any way.”

The YOLO Girl waited for him to announce that he was joking and laugh off what was no doubt a terrible joke to play on a pregnant woman. But all she could hear was Stu’s breathing. Kassidi cleared her throat and decided that he needed to be reminded of who she was in his life. “Stu, you love me. We’ve been together for a long time now and we’re going to have a baby. You can’t just walk away from me.”

“Kassidi, I don’t love you,” Stu began with a deep sigh. “I’ve never said that to you. I enjoyed hanging out with you for a while, but things have gotten into a real slump and there’s another girl that I’m interested in that’s also pre-med. I never saw myself with you, long term.”

“But… but the baby,” Kassidi sputtered, her dreams crumbling before her very eyes.

“I don’t know if I want kids at all,” Stu confessed. “But right now, I’m not ready and even if I did want kids, I wouldn’t want them with you.”

Kassidi sat back in her chair, feeling slightly dizzy. She must have a real problem with her hearing. This couldn’t be what Stu was saying. Stu, the man she loved, the man that loved her and impregnated her. None of it made any sense. They loved each other. They always have. Ever since they met, they had been inseparable. She had chosen to follow him to his first-choice college, in fact. He was the entire reason why she was here.

“You need to think about this some more,” Kassidi finally said.

“No, I don’t,” Stu insisted. “You’re always telling me what I’m supposed to want and I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to be with you and I definitely don’t want to have a baby with you. I’m sorry for all of this. I should have ended it sooner when I was having doubts. I never thought that this would happen and I’m really sorry that things happened the way they did.”

“You need more time,” Kassidi assured him.

“Goodbye, Kassidi,” Stu sighed. “Please don’t try to contact me again. We can’t be friends after this.”

The phone went dead. Kassidi placed the device onto her desk and looked back at her black computer screen. This was all a bad dream, she assured herself. None of this was happening. She was going to wake up and find out that she had had a terrible nightmare.

Kassidi accessed her Facebook page and decided to show that she and Stu were fine. The other YOLOs didn’t need to know that they were having problems, after all. She had to keep up appearances. She started a new status and typed out, I love when Stu calls me after class, just to see how I’m doing. She then went back and thought that she better tag Stu so he knew just how much she appreciated his calls.

Deleting his name and then adding the @ symbol as she typed, she found that his name did not pop up in her list of options. Confused, Kassidi went to his profile and found that he had unfriended her. She gasped. Nothing could have cut her more deeply. She made a terrified squawking sound just as, Kaydence, her roommate entered carrying her books and a gluten-free bagel.

“What’s wrong?” Kaydence asked, looking up from her bagel.

“Um, nothing,” Kassidi said, but it was too late. Tears were streaming down her face and she couldn’t stop her roommate from seeing them.

“Is something wrong with Stu?” Kaydence guessed immediately.

“I… I…” She was too distraught to lie. “He broke up with me.”

“What!?” Kaydence demanded in outrage. “Are you sure you understood him correctly?”

“He said that he didn’t want to be with me,” Kassidi said, wiping her face as more tears fell.

“But you’re pregnant with his baby!” Kaydence objected. “What kind of man does that?”

“I don’t know!” Kassidi wailed, now sobbing uncontrollably. “He said that he wanted to break up with me a long time ago and there’s someone else and he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby.”

“We need to have an emergency YOLO Girls meeting,” Kaydence said, darkly. “This has to be dealt with.”

Kaydence got onto Facebook and messaged the other girls. They all arrived quickly, each one dropping whatever they had to do in order to come support their friend. Sundee was last to arrive as she had been in the middle of a test and had left the class shouting about how supporting her friends was far more important than a test and it was the patriarchy that wanted them to think otherwise.

“How did this happen?” Mikaia asked, still confused as to what went on.

“Does anyone want a latte?” Kaity offered, holding out an extra Starbucks cup.

“What about the baby?” Jaimee questioned.

“Oh my god, girls, Stu just posted on Facebook,” Marlie said, staring at her phone.

“He unfriended me!” Kassidi cried out, almost in physical pain to admit it. The other girls gasped.

“What did he say?” Meadow asked.

“He said, ‘Attention everyone, I have broken up with Kassidi. Things had not been going well for some time and I finally had to put an end to it. I’m very sorry for anyone that has been worried about my relationship with her, but please know that it’s over now. I just want to get back to my life and focus on school.’ ” Marlie said, looking up from her phone as she finished.

“What am I going to do?!” Kassidi wailed.

“You still have the baby,” Tyonna said, supportively.

“I’m not actually pregnant, you dolt!” Kassidi shouted at her. “I was supposed to trick Stu into getting me pregnant and I didn’t have enough time.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Kaydence said, shrugging.

“What is?” Mikaia asked.

“Maybe if you really were pregnant that would convince him to stay,” Kaydence suggested.

“But he already thinks I’m pregnant,” Kassidi pointed out. “He doesn’t know that I’m lying.”

“But yeah, you said you’re pregnant, that’s not the same thing as having a baby with you,” Kaydence said.

“What do you mean?” Mikaia asked.

“It’s easy for him to turn down this theoretical baby,” Kaydence explained. “Maybe he knows you’re faking it, maybe he thinks of this baby as a fetus or something. He needs to see a real baby and know that that baby is his and that will make him come around. Once the responsibility is in front of him, he will have to man up and be a father.”

“That’s a good point,” Marlie said. “It would be so much more real if there actually was a baby. I mean, you can’t argue with that.”

“A baby… a baby…” Kassidi muttered to herself.

Of course! There was a pregnant woman in her psychology class. The woman was married and this was her second child. She loved to flaunt that around the classroom by talking about her husband and son. The woman worked at the library on school nights. She would be there with her swollen belly and her pre-born baby and all Kassidi needed was that child to show to Stu to get her relationship back on track.

“I have to go,” Kassidi muttered. She grabbed her purse and then went to her dresser where she found her metal nail file. She shoved that inside her bag then left the room, without even saying goodbye to the other YOLO Girls.

As the door closed she didn’t even hear Kaity announce that he was going to drink the spare latte all by herself.

*

The first thing that Kassidi did was make sure that the woman was working. She went into the library and looked around the first floor before she found the woman crouched by the women’s studies section, putting away a bunch of books. Kassidi then checked her watch. The library closed in two hours. So she had to wait in order to get her alone.

Kassidi walked outside and around to the side of the building that faced the road. She felt her heart racing as she pondered just what she was going to do. First, she tried to remember the woman’s name. When she couldn’t, Kassidi decided to call her Mary. Like the virgin mother, she was going to sacrifice her baby for Kassidi’s happiness.

Pulling out the metal nail file, Kassidi examined it. It was sharp enough to cut through the woman’s stomach, she thought. All she had to do then was extract the baby and cut the umbilical cord. Mary had said in class that she was 36 weeks along and that seemed like a lot. So the baby must be done cooking in there. The idea of being so close to so much blood made her wince, but she had no choice. She had to get that baby so Stu would step up and be a real man.

While she waited for the library to close, Kassidi planned out her attack. She would approach Mary from behind when she was alone and then hit her over the head with one of the loose bricks that everyone complained littered the walkways that the school never did anything about. Then she would drag Mary into the shadows and take the baby. She could get to Stu’s dorm on the campus shuttle before it shut down and by the end of the night, the pair would be reunited as a family. It was perfect.

The sound of voices roused Kassidi from her thoughts. She peered around the building to see one of the library employees wave goodbye to Mary. Mary stayed behind to lock the heavy metal and glass doors. Kassidi picked up a chunk of brick from the ground and approached the woman quietly.

Just as Kassidi raised the brick overhead, Mary finished locking the doors and went to leave. When Kassidi brought the brick down, it struck the door, missing Mary completely. But the woman heard the noise and made a surprised sound. She turned and observed Kassidi, who now had a completely crazed look in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Mary asked. “You’re Kassidi, right? From psychology class. Did you need help?”

“I need your baby!” Kassidi shrieked. She picked up another piece of brick and lobbed it at Mary. The brick fell to the ground, yards away from where the woman stood. Mary cried out in a panic and grabbed for her purse.

“Stop it!” Mary shouted, trying to get out of her phone.

“I need your baby!” Kassidi roared. She ran to Mary and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her roughly. She started to drag the woman behind the library.

Kassidi was completely unaware that what Mary was trying to get out of her purse was not her phone but instead a taser that her husband had given her for when she was walking alone at night. Unfortunately, neither of them knew much about the device or how to use it. So when Mary finally fished it out of her purse and discharged it into Kassidi, Mary had no idea that the voltage was entirely too high and between the high voltage and a heart condition that Kassidi had yet to be diagnosed with, the shock sent her into cardiac arrest.

The YOLO Girl collapsed onto the pavement, twitching as Mary, still unsure of what she was doing, kept pumping the fatal volts into her body. When Mary dropped the taser, Kassidi was already dead. As she called the campus police and requested an officer as well as an ambulance, Kassidi’s eyes stared blankly into the sky above her, seeing nothing. When the ambulance finally arrived, it was too late for Kassidi. But Mary’s shock and trauma had caused her to go into early labor.

Mary delivered a healthy baby boy about twelve hours later at the local hospital. She named him Shawn Lawrence and smiled placidly in the Facebook pictures that graced her profile. When Shawn reached 15, he asked his mom to tell him about his birth. Mary told him that she had saved his life by defending herself against a crazed college student, insisting on harming her. Shawn didn’t believe her.

To read more in this series, click here.