[Image: Tila Tequila at a red carpet event. She is wearing a pink dress with her hair down.]
The next part of this section is all about porn. Tila relates, “A lot of girls are weird about porno. Not me.” Sex positive (when it suits her) Tila continues, “I’m always the one who’s like, “You want to go rent some porn?” … He’s like, “Wow, this chick’s fucking cool.” ” Which makes me question why Tila previously mentioned that catching a man jerking off to a Victoria’s Secret catalog is a problem when porn is perfectly okay. Was it the idea of him masturbating in private? Was it the fact that his arousal with the catalog was based on a woman’s body alone and not in conjunction with actual sex? I have no idea.
Tila adds, “And don’t worry, after a while he won’t want to watch the porn anyway because he’s got you. I’ve definitely had that happen.” Just reading that makes me feel a little ill. No one should expect their partner to be the beginning and the end of their sexuality. When I’m in a relationship I still watch porn and masturbate on my own. It has nothing to do with my partner at all. It’s “me” time and sometimes I want a vibrator and horrible fuck dialog. If I was with someone that watched porn and then after we started dating, stopped because of me, I would be very worried. I would never expect someone to shut down their entire sexuality to revolve around me and the idea of someone doing that makes me very uncomfortable.
But Tila clarifies that porn is fine in the beginning, if you’re comfortable with it, but it will get old sooner or later. She pens, “I used to watch it when I was seventeen, but now I’m like, “Why watch that when I can do better?” ” Which makes me wonder why she’s even pushing porn when she claims that it bores her. Also, porn is not about how sex feels. It’s about how sex looks. On camera. Trying to learn to be a good lover from a porn film is like learning how to be a surgeon by playing Operation.
Starting off the next section, “Opening Up,” Tila laments, “Sex is easy. Feelings are the hard part.” She then talks about how you have to balance out what your heart is telling you and what your head is telling you. She relates, “Your thoughts might say, “Okay, I’m not going to call him because he might think I’m too needy.” But your HEART is like, “I miss him so much. I want to see him.” Even though it’s scary, you’ve got to listen to your heart.” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense when you consider her previous advice to give a man space, have your own life, not pressure him, play head games, withhold sex, and basically ignore him until he’s so hooked by your sexual refusal that he has no choice but to stay with you.
More confusingly, Tila tells her readers, “You don’t want to end up like, “Damn it, I love this guy so much, but he had no idea because I was playing these dumb games and pretending I was interested in other guys and this and that.” ” Tila openly called her tactic of withholding sex a game and said it was necessary to keep a man interested. Now games are bad and you will regret it if you’re not just honest with your feelings? What? Can any human being actual follow this advice or learn one consistent lesson from this entire book?
Strap yourselves in, Tila isn’t done yet. “You’ve got to be vulnerable and learn that vulnerability can feel good. Show him how much you care, and don’t be afraid of getting hurt. … You can’t think like that, or else you’ll be so paranoid and scared that the relationship probably WILL fail.” From another person with a more straightforward, game-free, and consistent philosophy, this is a good lesson. But coming from someone that can’t decide what she means or say it plainly, this is just more advice to add to the already convoluted mess that she’s already vomited onto the pages of her book. Whenever Tila brings up a good point it hardly balances out all of the damaging shit she’s already put out there. If someone is able to tell the difference between what is problematic and what isn’t, then they never needed Tila in the first place.
But Tila isn’t done with her hard-won wisdom yet. In the following section, “Stay True to Yourself”, she gives some vague instructions on how to handle it when the person you love treats you badly. She starts off by stating, “There’s a difference between giving someone your all and being whipped. You can show someone you really love him and still have self-respect.” She never elaborates on what this difference is. She mentions that you shouldn’t keep giving someone your life if they don’t treat you with respect. She then adds, “If you don’t respect yourself, he’s not going to respect you either.” Which, at this point, sounds like victim blaming.
If you can’t respect yourself, what you need is not relationship advice, what you need is a therapist. Tila adds that being too available and too dedicated means that he will stop valuing you. You have to let your man know that he could lose you, and that will keep him dedicated. As vague as this section is and as poorly as these points are articulated, this could easily lead to a woman mistreating her partner with threats of leaving because he doesn’t deserve her for how wonderful she is.
Now Tila moves onto a key section in this chapter. Sometimes relationships end and in “Breakups Suck”, she is ready to share how to survive them and what to do when it eventually happens to you. But even when Tila is trying to soothe the broken hearted, she can’t resist to tuck some fatalism in there. She writes, “If you two don’t end up being together forever, it’s just not meant to be.” Unfortunately, her advice doesn’t get any better than that cliche.
Tila continues, “I’ve learned a lot from every relationship I’ve been in. That’s the whole point of having relationships, and getting older and growing up – it’s to learn more about who you are. An the best way to learn about yourself is to have your image reflected back at you by another person.” While this pop psychology sounds lovely and calming, it’s actually a rather dangerous philosophy. First of all, the point of your relationships should not be to grow up. No one is in charge of raising you. Learning things through relationships is definitely an effect, but no one should think to themselves, “I want to be more mature. I think I’ll get into dating.”
Also, there are tons of ways to learn about yourself that doesn’t involve other people. Yes, you can learn a lot from a dating partner and understanding how your actions are interpreted by other people is very important. But not all people want or have romantic relationships and that doesn’t make them any less mature, complete people than the ones who do. If the only way you can grow personally is through dating, you might want to go see one of those therapists that I keep mentioning.
Your relationship with yourself and your own personal growth should not revolve around another person. There are so many ways that you can learn more about yourself and become a better person that has nothing to do with whom you’re dating. To read that Tila believes that best way to do so is through a boyfriend or girlfriend just worries me. No one wants to date a project. You should enter into the relationship with all that you have and be open to change. Not get together with someone in the hopes that they’ll make you a better person.
But that’s exactly what Tila is saying. She continues, “That’s how you come to know who you are, what you want to be, what you don’t want to be, what mistakes you made, what you’re not going to do next time.” There are a lot more ways to do this than just dating. I also object to Tila acting like romantic relationships should be the basis of your existence. It’s another stereotype that women are and should be focused on relationships and families and Tila passes this on to her readers without a second thought.
In the following section, “Move On Already,” all Tila can do is urge her readers to move past the breakup. Which, one should not fixate on something like that, because that’s not healthy, however, she never mentions a grieving period for the end of a relationship, which can be an essential part of moving on. Sometimes to truly overcome the loss of a connection with another human being, there needs to be time to mourn what you’ve lost and take stock of what you’ve gained. Occasionally this period is longer than you would like. But stuffing all of your unresolved emotions down into your chest and moving on like nothing ever happened is never going accomplish your ultimate goal of moving on.
Tila advises, “If you’re like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so scared. I always end up getting hurt because I’ve always been hurt in the past,” it’ll happen. The universe is always listening.” Since she was so vague with her religious beliefs, I can only wonder what she means by this. Tila seems so intent on saying things of this nature and never explaining it. It’s not helpful to make these vague claims and back them up without even a thought as to why this happens.
For no particularly good reason, other than to add to her own self-promotion, Tila writes, “I mean, look at me, I got hurt in the first season of A Shot At Love, and then I was like, “Oh, I don’t want to do a second season. It’s too much.” But then I did. And even when THAT didn’t work out, I’m still looking for love.” Yes, we know it didn’t work out, Tila. That much has been readily apparent. What isn’t apparent is why anyone should be taking relationship advice from a woman that has no insight or experience in long-lasting commitment. When all Tila has to discuss is her personal experience and she doesn’t have experience in the type of relationship that she’s giving advice for, why should anyone be listening to her?
Without missing a beat, Tila is back at it. In the next section, “Love Yourself”, Tila tries to advise her readers on how to form and maintain your most important relationship of all; the one with yourself. She writes that it’s common for people to say that you need to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. But she questions, “But what does that mean?” She asks herself one day and even she’s not sure. Tila writes, “I’d like to think I love myself but I’m not sure that I do. It’s a process, you know?” Which, by her own standards, this means that Tila probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.
But she has an idea on how to achieve this. She pens, “Paint a picture of the person you want to be and create that person inside of you. Work at it. You have to find your own inner happiness and stability. … But when you love yourself, you don’t need anyone to make you feel better. It’s just an added bonus when you’re involved with somebody cool.” Which completely contradicts her earlier advice that the best way to find and know yourself was by dating. Now you can’t date unless you already know yourself. Which one is it, Tila?
Before I get into the last section, “Last Call for Love,” I want to discuss the insert that graces this page. The title of the box is “My Top Five Hot-And-Heavy Fantasy Hookups” and the list reads.
- Anne Boleyn
- The Hulk
- Wonder Woman
What in the world is this? I can’t even begin to grasp the absurdity of wanting to have sex with historical women and a large, green comic book character in one list. Although the insert is meant to be silly and whimsical, it just comes off as bizarre when it’s read, at the end of what was supposed to be a serious chapter. Also, what is with her fascination with Anne Boleyn? It seems completely random that she has this attraction to her and it’s never explained why she was even mentioned in the previous chapter, let alone in this insert.
But back to the book. Tila writes that now that she’s accomplished so many of her life goals, she now has time to love. She pens, “And now it’s like, “Oh my God, I have this huge heart, and all I want to do is LOVE!” All I want is love, because it’s the one thing I never had.” She coos, “But I’ve never had REAL LOVE. And now I’m like, “Wow, I saved the best for last. My heart. Aw.” ”
Tila has talked about being loved as a right and acts as if love is something that will just happen, given enough time. But it’s neither and when Tila admits that she doesn’t even know if she loves herself and can’t manage to even follow her own poor advice, it seems hard to believe that she is truly ready and deserving of the kind of relationship that she claims to want.
None of this matters to the bad-ass author as she continues. She talks about wanting to be with a person that’s strong and loves her for who she is. She writes, “I want to build a life with someone until the day I die. That’s all I want.” As if you think that Tila was showing real emotion and coming down out of her persona for a second, don’t get too hasty.
The next part is, “I know, after this book comes out, everyone’s going to be writing to me like, “I can be the one. That sounds perfect! That’s ME!” And I’m like, “Great, so now I’ve got to do season three. LAST CALL for Love with Tila Tequila. Just as long as I find it!” ” So the show that Tila admitted did not capture the real her, the show that she said her feelings weren’t even real for during the second season, the show that she said almost killed her, she’s willing to do another season of it.
All for love? Or all for the chance to be on TV and promote herself again? The fact that she ends this chapter by talking about how all of her fans will be rushing to marry her and she will be forced to once again perform for an audience of millions on TV is a clear indication that love, commitment, and romantic fulfillment is not something that she’s really looking for.
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