Imaginary Dinner Parties

fall-dinner-party-settings

[Image: An opulently set table, ready for a dinner party.]

Hope Chest: also called dowry chest, cedar chest or glory box is a chest used to collect items such as clothing and household linen, by unmarried young women in anticipation of married life.

I have always wanted to get married. When I was 18 I took much-needed break between high school and college and started working retail. I worked at Tuesday Morning and Waterford Wedgwood outlet, of note. While I was there, I bought things. Lots of things. I bought practical items for my future house; I bought a set of towels for the guest bathroom, and I bought china, Wedgwood china, for dinner parties that I would imagine myself throwing with my husband and our friends.

Fast forward 12 years and, although I’ve used some of the items in this chest, the Wedgwood, the Waterford, the fine silverware remains untouched. I’ve literally had a full tea and coffee service set in Amesbury sitting in my closet for over a decade, waiting for the chance to throw a dinner party and use it.

Now, I come to find out that financial aid does not issue loans for summer semesters, instead it comes out of spring aid. I don’t get enough spring aid to throw down another 1.5k on the class I need to earn my degree. Although I’ve always held onto a secret hope that I would use this fine china and crystal one day, I think the time has come, I think it’s time to sell it.

It’s true, I will never be able to get what I got again and not at the prices that I got it for, but in the end, I feel like keeping it around it trying to avoid the reality that I’m not anywhere near a position where I am going to be hosting dinner parties with fine bone china and hand-cut crystal. It’s really just a fantasy. It was a nice fancy, let me assure you. And I held onto it out of stubbornness like I did with my birthday dress. But the time has finally come. No more imaginary dinner parties.

It’s strange to think back on the person you thought you’d become when you were too young to understand how the world works. I bought these treasures before my bipolar diagnosis (which might have had something to do with purchasing wildly inappropriate household items). Before so many things happened to me, both wonderful and terrible.

I still hope to get married some day. I still want the stability of a lasting relationship and the chance to love someone as passionately as I can. But none of those things require a Chatsworth oval platter or a matching set of Great Room goblets. Maybe I’ll never been the person in the position I thought I was going to be as a teenager. But that’s okay.

Life didn’t turn out the way I thought it would by any stretch of the imagination. However, that’s just what life is. And that’s fine.

My Name is Star

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[Image: A selfie I took at the Chrysler Museum of Art. I am standing in front of a stone wall in Huber Court with my long hair down, looking straight ahead with a neutral expression (I thought I was smiling).]

In early October I received a birthday card from a relative. It was addressed to my birth name. Inside was a Bible verse from the Book of Habakkuk and my birth name again. Although I was not surprised to receive something that ignored both my legal name and my religious views, I was deeply saddened.

Despite the fact that I’m now 30 and have been calling myself Star since I was 10 and it’s now my legal name, on all of my documentation, some people are still determined to think I’m going through a “phase” and the name my parents picked out for me at birth is my “real” name.

And it’s not. It never was. My name is Star. Don’t call me anything else.

Tempest’s Newsletter

Same Heartbeat (1)

[Image: A drawing of a heartbeat with a red heart in the middle against a blue background.]

Note: Tempest and her antics have been declared Not Safe For Work (NSFW). So don’t read about her hot sex tips and scintillating advice while you’re working. Save that for when you can go home, take your pants off, and really enjoy.

Hi, everyone! Some might say that this is Pumpkin Spice Latte season, or some crap like that, but this actually hot, naked sex on a bearskin rug season! Everyone strip down with you favorite person (or persons, you know how I roll) and make some sweet, sweet love.

Tempest’s Advice Line

(Tempest bursts into the studio wearing her new black dress. She flounces onto the studio couch and motions to M, who is talking to the sound person.)

Tempest: Right, let’s go. Ask me question!
M: Well, hello to you, too. How has your day been?
Tempest: Busy! I accidentally double booked tonight and I need to get going on these dates before one of them catches on.
M: Which is more important, Tempest? Your adoring fans or your dating life?
Tempest: My date is WITH two fans, M. Come on!

(M walks over to the couch and sits down, picking up her iPad.)

M: You know, if they’re both open minded people, you could make tonight a threesome.
Tempest: (Gasping.) You’re so right! What a great idea, M! You’re a genius.
M: Yep, that’s me. Always figuring things out. (She looks over to the camera crew.) Everyone ready?

Camera Person: Good to go!
M: Alright, take it away, Tempest.

(Tempest fluffs her hair, adjusts her top and smiles at the camera.)

Tempest: Hello everyone! Welcome to this week’s Tempest’s Advice Line! I’m Tempest and I’m here with my sidekick, M, to answer all of your burning questions about love and relationships. Let’s start with our first question. M?
M: …Side kick?
Tempest: Yeah, you’re boring Robin to my ultra sexy Batman.
M: (^^;;;) Let’s just get to the questions. First one. Dear Tempest, I’m in a new relationship with a great guy and I really want to marry him. Only problem is that he’s already married. How do I convince him to leave his wife and get with me full time? Signed, Bride In The Wings.
Tempest: This is a problem for you monogamous people? My issues is too many men want to leave their wives for me!
M: Try to empathize with someone who isn’t as sexy as you, Temp.
Tempest: Well, that’s going to be difficult, but okay. So you want to get married to a married dude, right? The best option is to pick another married dude who is far unhappier than he is. If he’s seeing you and doesn’t want to leave his wife, then you’re not doing it for him. Get on a cheaters’ website and troll for married guys. Find one who you can rock like no other and then, he will be rushing to leave his wife and put a ring on it.
M: …Why not just advise her to find a single dude? It seems much easier.
Tempest: Married dudes are conquests. Single dudes are just shooting fish in a barrel.
M: Right… Okay. Well, next question. (Going back to her iPad.) Dear Tempest, I’m getting married next week and I love my fiance so much! Unfortunately, he has one bad habit that just drives me nuts. He likes to get naked right after he gets home from work and stay that way all night if he doesn’t need to go anywhere. How can I talk to him about this? Signed, Living In A Naked House.

(Tempest looks incredibly confused.)

M: Temp?
Tempest: I don’t get what she’s complaining about. I mean, who doesn’t want to be naked? It’s easier to have sex when naked.
M: Personally, I’m not a huge fan of being naked. I don’t know why. I can do underwear, but not naked.
Tempest: (o_O) You wonder why you’re single?
M: Yeah, that’s what’s driving the guys away. Me not liking being naked. Nothing else has any impact on my dating life.
Tempest: I mean, it’s a start.
M: So what’s your advice?
Tempest: Gentle reader, please loosen the fuck up and let your man be comfortable in his own house. His nudity isn’t harming anyone and if him stripping down is the worst thing that’s going on in your relationship, I think you should count yourself as very lucky.
M: Fair enough. Last letter. Dear Tempest, I want to do a couple’s costume for my office party and my girlfriend thinks that’s silly. How do I talk her into doing it? Signed, Antony to her Cleopatra.

(Tempest rolls her eyes.)

Tempest: Do you remember a time when I used to answer interesting sex questions? These are so trivial. I want to get a question about how to finish two guys at once when you’re in the middle of group sex. I mean, come on.
M: Well, maybe next week you can delve into that topic. What’s your advice for this couple?
Tempest: Tell her you’ll get fired if you don’t do a couple’s costume. Problem solved.
M: Well, that’s all the questions we have.
Tempest: Awesome! Time for me to go arrange today’s threesome. Bye to all of my gentle readers and I’ll see you next week!
M: You know, we keep saying “week” and this is a monthly feature.
Tempest: Threesome time!

Disclaimer: Please don’t actually take any of Tempest’s advice. Although being naked is quite fun.

Horror-Scopes

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

You have the gift of gab! Stop. Using. It. Every. Goddamn. Second.

Seriously. Let someone else do the talking this month. Just for once. They will thank you for it. With audible sighs of relief.

Daily Affirmation

“Emotional intelligence is at the heart of the door of marvel”

The door of marvel is quite a marvelous thing. It’s, like, a door and you can marvel at it. Marvel at your own emotional intelligence, that is. How amazing are you? Pretty fucking amazing.

Featured MiST of the Month

Mist 105 – Emo Love Stories: Drake

I don’t remember much of this MiST, but I remember the host segment. Man, I miss Kalila. She was such a cute Leopardita.

Featured Sex Position of the Month, Tested and Approved by Tempest

So it’s come to my attention that some people are too intimidated to try my sex positions because they’re too complicated or they’re not flexible enough. Some people (coughMcough) have told me to do a vanilla position to everyone can play along. So here we go.

Hetero Missionary

What you need:

1 man
1 woman
1 condom
No imagination

How to do it:

Oh come on, do I need to explain this to you? Seriously. An eight year old with internet access knows this. Ugh, I need to do something super spicy to make up for this next week.

Next Week on Tempest’s Newsletter

Next week is Sex Month! Woot! It’s like a national holiday that was just made for me! I will be bringing you a super hot, spicy, sex, dirty, nasty Tempest’s Advice line and all of the sex advice that you could ever want or need. I’ll see you on November 15, when it all goes down. Including me!

To read all of Tempest’s Newsletters, click here.

Random Thoughts Semicolon

semicolon-tattoo-3[Image: a black and white photo of someone’s forearm. On their wrist is the tattoo of a semi-colon. Lower on their arm, barely visible, are the words, “stay strong”.]

I can definitely see the meaning and depth behind semicolon tattoos. But they don’t speak to me. Which should be odd. But for all of my love of tattoos and love of writing and love of mental health awareness, I never see myself getting one.

There is a cat currently pawing at me. She says hello.

I recently read an article talking about how insulting and infantilizing it is to call women “girls”. However, when I call someone a girl I’m calling them a Spice Girl. It’s the single most empowering title in the world.

I’m of the opinion there are certain situations where things have to work out. Either things work out or you die. So if you don’t want to die, you work really hard to make that shit work out. And then it does. Because your motivation was imminent death.

Being that I am generally a helpful person, I feel that a lot of people start taking my helpfulness for granted. As if I should be helpful, ever at all times, no matter what I’m dealing with or going through. There are certain times when things don’t work like that. I need a second, I can’t deal with your bullshit, my bullshit is overwhelming me. Time to take a number because I can’t help you right now.

Torrid is doing a model search and a few people have told me to submit photos to them. But honestly, I don’t want Torrid featuring a size 14 model. I want a size 20+, happy, beautiful, big girl up there, larger than life. There are so few representations of women that size in society, girls need to see those women, not me.

You know you’re loud when you can speak in what is a normal tone for you and get someone’s attention all the way across a room.

Man just told me that I have every right to be sexually open and expressive. AWESOME! Now that I have his permission, I’ll get right on that.

In the history of bad decisions I wonder where mine will rank.

My blog is running down and I have no interest in keeping up with it. It’s been about 3 years but daily posting is going to be a thing of the past.