It takes a very strong person to be kind. It takes a strong person to know what kind of world we live in, how other people conduct themselves in that world, and choose to show kindness despite all of that. It never fails to sadden me how some people can see kindness, gentleness, compassion, and declare it weakness. The world hardens people. That’s what it does. It takes a much stronger person to still be kind after they have seen everything this world has to offer.
[Image: A person on a computer with a heart on the laptop case.]
It’s a common practice to discuss the strange and terrifying world of online dating with the men that I do in fact meet online. While I have entirely too many blogs up about men that first contacted me through the site and either horrified or baffled me, men in general report to getting very few responses to their messages and even fewer messages from interested women. Sometimes they regard this as discouraging or frustrating. Other times they react with anger and consider the women to be rude, stuck up, or mean-spirited. But there are lots of reasons why women won’t respond to men on dating sites.
I don’t know all of them for sure. I respond to everyone that messages me. But I’ll get into that later. But here are some reasons why women don’t respond and why men need to stop taking it so personally.
1. No one owes you a message
The act of sending a message to a stranger on a dating site does not mean that you are owed one back. This person does not know you and has absolutely no obligation, moral, social, religious, or otherwise, to respond to everyone that sends them a communication. So expecting a response is not a good way to look at it to begin with.
2. Most women have no ulterior motive
When I get a message from someone on OKC that I have no possible chance of ever dating, I still respond. Because I want blog fodder. I have a completely ulterior motive for doing this and I admit it with no shame. If I had none, it would be a waste of my time to talk to the parade of racist, sexist, homophobic douchebags that message me to talk about my breasts. But I want material for my blog. So I answer back.
3. They might not be interested
People usually, after being on a dating site long enough, develop a system. Sometimes they look for specific deal breakers before they message someone back. Sometimes they go by match percentage. Sometimes they go by looks. It can be any variety of things. But for whatever reason, they might decide that there is something about you that violates one of their dating ideals and they do not want to pursue any further relationship with you.
That is their right as a person on a dating site. No one is required to interact with anyone else. Even if they’re not interested, no one is owed a response to say that they’re not interested. It takes up their time and effort and women get far more messages on their profiles than men might think.
4. They don’t want to be threatened
When I have told men in the past that I was not interested in dating them I have been threatened, insulted and called names. This all goes into my blogs, so it doesn’t really matter to me what men on a dating site call me. But let me assure you, having someone threaten to rape and beat you all because you politely wished them luck with someone else is not something that you want to encounter.
And it doesn’t matter if you would never do this to a woman, under any circumstances. Some men do and you are a stranger. They can’t tell if you are the type to do this or not and as a result, they have decided not to respond at all. Wanting to avoid a stranger on a dating website that just wanted to date you calling you a bitch is a perfectly reasonable thing.
5. They’re not that active with the account or their dating life
Maybe they’re not checking their account regularly. Maybe they’re not that active on the site. Maybe they’re taking a break from dating and didn’t get around to deactivating their account. You don’t know! One thing that is not going to get them back onto the site are people shaming them for not responding to messages, whether or not they are interested in the person sending them at all.
6. They have other things going on in their lives
Women have these things called lives. All people have burdens and the women that you’re calling a bitch for not messaging you back might have been checking her ailing parent in hospice care while you’re talking smack about her. You don’t know. Don’t assume that women are doing nothing but refreshing their OKC inbox, waiting desperately for replies to their profiles.
7. Maybe your profile is not complete or not well put together
One man that complained to me that girls on OKC were too “stuck up” to respond to him had no information on his profile at all, 4 questions answered, and his gender and looking for filled out. If you think that women are supposed to respond to you when they have no idea who you are or what you’re about, think again. Women want to know whom they are talking to and that’s why filling out your profile, accurately, intelligently, and thoughtfully is so important.
Also, the content you do put up is important. I did an entire blog on men with terrible photos posted as well as horrible content on their profiles. Just because you put something down doesn’t mean it’s logical, it’s inviting, or that women will like it. If you don’t know how to portray yourself as a decent human being that won’t try to knife them on the first date, of course they’re not going to respond to you.
So cut women some slack. Just because they’re not responding doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, no one likes you, or that they’re a bunch of bitches. There are tons of reasons why a woman wouldn’t respond to you on OKC. So stop taking it personally and let women choose who they feel comfortable communicating with.
[Image: Tila Tequila at a red carpet event. She is wearing a pink dress with her hair down.]
The next part of this section is all about porn. Tila relates, “A lot of girls are weird about porno. Not me.” Sex positive (when it suits her) Tila continues, “I’m always the one who’s like, “You want to go rent some porn?” … He’s like, “Wow, this chick’s fucking cool.” ” Which makes me question why Tila previously mentioned that catching a man jerking off to a Victoria’s Secret catalog is a problem when porn is perfectly okay. Was it the idea of him masturbating in private? Was it the fact that his arousal with the catalog was based on a woman’s body alone and not in conjunction with actual sex? I have no idea.
Tila adds, “And don’t worry, after a while he won’t want to watch the porn anyway because he’s got you. I’ve definitely had that happen.” Just reading that makes me feel a little ill. No one should expect their partner to be the beginning and the end of their sexuality. When I’m in a relationship I still watch porn and masturbate on my own. It has nothing to do with my partner at all. It’s “me” time and sometimes I want a vibrator and horrible fuck dialog. If I was with someone that watched porn and then after we started dating, stopped because of me, I would be very worried. I would never expect someone to shut down their entire sexuality to revolve around me and the idea of someone doing that makes me very uncomfortable.
But Tila clarifies that porn is fine in the beginning, if you’re comfortable with it, but it will get old sooner or later. She pens, “I used to watch it when I was seventeen, but now I’m like, “Why watch that when I can do better?” ” Which makes me wonder why she’s even pushing porn when she claims that it bores her. Also, porn is not about how sex feels. It’s about how sex looks. On camera. Trying to learn to be a good lover from a porn film is like learning how to be a surgeon by playing Operation.
Starting off the next section, “Opening Up,” Tila laments, “Sex is easy. Feelings are the hard part.” She then talks about how you have to balance out what your heart is telling you and what your head is telling you. She relates, “Your thoughts might say, “Okay, I’m not going to call him because he might think I’m too needy.” But your HEART is like, “I miss him so much. I want to see him.” Even though it’s scary, you’ve got to listen to your heart.” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense when you consider her previous advice to give a man space, have your own life, not pressure him, play head games, withhold sex, and basically ignore him until he’s so hooked by your sexual refusal that he has no choice but to stay with you.
More confusingly, Tila tells her readers, “You don’t want to end up like, “Damn it, I love this guy so much, but he had no idea because I was playing these dumb games and pretending I was interested in other guys and this and that.” ” Tila openly called her tactic of withholding sex a game and said it was necessary to keep a man interested. Now games are bad and you will regret it if you’re not just honest with your feelings? What? Can any human being actual follow this advice or learn one consistent lesson from this entire book?
Strap yourselves in, Tila isn’t done yet. “You’ve got to be vulnerable and learn that vulnerability can feel good. Show him how much you care, and don’t be afraid of getting hurt. … You can’t think like that, or else you’ll be so paranoid and scared that the relationship probably WILL fail.” From another person with a more straightforward, game-free, and consistent philosophy, this is a good lesson. But coming from someone that can’t decide what she means or say it plainly, this is just more advice to add to the already convoluted mess that she’s already vomited onto the pages of her book. Whenever Tila brings up a good point it hardly balances out all of the damaging shit she’s already put out there. If someone is able to tell the difference between what is problematic and what isn’t, then they never needed Tila in the first place.
But Tila isn’t done with her hard-won wisdom yet. In the following section, “Stay True to Yourself”, she gives some vague instructions on how to handle it when the person you love treats you badly. She starts off by stating, “There’s a difference between giving someone your all and being whipped. You can show someone you really love him and still have self-respect.” She never elaborates on what this difference is. She mentions that you shouldn’t keep giving someone your life if they don’t treat you with respect. She then adds, “If you don’t respect yourself, he’s not going to respect you either.” Which, at this point, sounds like victim blaming.
If you can’t respect yourself, what you need is not relationship advice, what you need is a therapist. Tila adds that being too available and too dedicated means that he will stop valuing you. You have to let your man know that he could lose you, and that will keep him dedicated. As vague as this section is and as poorly as these points are articulated, this could easily lead to a woman mistreating her partner with threats of leaving because he doesn’t deserve her for how wonderful she is.
Now Tila moves onto a key section in this chapter. Sometimes relationships end and in “Breakups Suck”, she is ready to share how to survive them and what to do when it eventually happens to you. But even when Tila is trying to soothe the broken hearted, she can’t resist to tuck some fatalism in there. She writes, “If you two don’t end up being together forever, it’s just not meant to be.” Unfortunately, her advice doesn’t get any better than that cliche.
Tila continues, “I’ve learned a lot from every relationship I’ve been in. That’s the whole point of having relationships, and getting older and growing up – it’s to learn more about who you are. An the best way to learn about yourself is to have your image reflected back at you by another person.” While this pop psychology sounds lovely and calming, it’s actually a rather dangerous philosophy. First of all, the point of your relationships should not be to grow up. No one is in charge of raising you. Learning things through relationships is definitely an effect, but no one should think to themselves, “I want to be more mature. I think I’ll get into dating.”
Also, there are tons of ways to learn about yourself that doesn’t involve other people. Yes, you can learn a lot from a dating partner and understanding how your actions are interpreted by other people is very important. But not all people want or have romantic relationships and that doesn’t make them any less mature, complete people than the ones who do. If the only way you can grow personally is through dating, you might want to go see one of those therapists that I keep mentioning.
Your relationship with yourself and your own personal growth should not revolve around another person. There are so many ways that you can learn more about yourself and become a better person that has nothing to do with whom you’re dating. To read that Tila believes that best way to do so is through a boyfriend or girlfriend just worries me. No one wants to date a project. You should enter into the relationship with all that you have and be open to change. Not get together with someone in the hopes that they’ll make you a better person.
But that’s exactly what Tila is saying. She continues, “That’s how you come to know who you are, what you want to be, what you don’t want to be, what mistakes you made, what you’re not going to do next time.” There are a lot more ways to do this than just dating. I also object to Tila acting like romantic relationships should be the basis of your existence. It’s another stereotype that women are and should be focused on relationships and families and Tila passes this on to her readers without a second thought.
In the following section, “Move On Already,” all Tila can do is urge her readers to move past the breakup. Which, one should not fixate on something like that, because that’s not healthy, however, she never mentions a grieving period for the end of a relationship, which can be an essential part of moving on. Sometimes to truly overcome the loss of a connection with another human being, there needs to be time to mourn what you’ve lost and take stock of what you’ve gained. Occasionally this period is longer than you would like. But stuffing all of your unresolved emotions down into your chest and moving on like nothing ever happened is never going accomplish your ultimate goal of moving on.
Tila advises, “If you’re like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so scared. I always end up getting hurt because I’ve always been hurt in the past,” it’ll happen. The universe is always listening.” Since she was so vague with her religious beliefs, I can only wonder what she means by this. Tila seems so intent on saying things of this nature and never explaining it. It’s not helpful to make these vague claims and back them up without even a thought as to why this happens.
For no particularly good reason, other than to add to her own self-promotion, Tila writes, “I mean, look at me, I got hurt in the first season of A Shot At Love, and then I was like, “Oh, I don’t want to do a second season. It’s too much.” But then I did. And even when THAT didn’t work out, I’m still looking for love.” Yes, we know it didn’t work out, Tila. That much has been readily apparent. What isn’t apparent is why anyone should be taking relationship advice from a woman that has no insight or experience in long-lasting commitment. When all Tila has to discuss is her personal experience and she doesn’t have experience in the type of relationship that she’s giving advice for, why should anyone be listening to her?
Without missing a beat, Tila is back at it. In the next section, “Love Yourself”, Tila tries to advise her readers on how to form and maintain your most important relationship of all; the one with yourself. She writes that it’s common for people to say that you need to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. But she questions, “But what does that mean?” She asks herself one day and even she’s not sure. Tila writes, “I’d like to think I love myself but I’m not sure that I do. It’s a process, you know?” Which, by her own standards, this means that Tila probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.
But she has an idea on how to achieve this. She pens, “Paint a picture of the person you want to be and create that person inside of you. Work at it. You have to find your own inner happiness and stability. … But when you love yourself, you don’t need anyone to make you feel better. It’s just an added bonus when you’re involved with somebody cool.” Which completely contradicts her earlier advice that the best way to find and know yourself was by dating. Now you can’t date unless you already know yourself. Which one is it, Tila?
Before I get into the last section, “Last Call for Love,” I want to discuss the insert that graces this page. The title of the box is “My Top Five Hot-And-Heavy Fantasy Hookups” and the list reads.
- Anne Boleyn
- The Hulk
- Wonder Woman
What in the world is this? I can’t even begin to grasp the absurdity of wanting to have sex with historical women and a large, green comic book character in one list. Although the insert is meant to be silly and whimsical, it just comes off as bizarre when it’s read, at the end of what was supposed to be a serious chapter. Also, what is with her fascination with Anne Boleyn? It seems completely random that she has this attraction to her and it’s never explained why she was even mentioned in the previous chapter, let alone in this insert.
But back to the book. Tila writes that now that she’s accomplished so many of her life goals, she now has time to love. She pens, “And now it’s like, “Oh my God, I have this huge heart, and all I want to do is LOVE!” All I want is love, because it’s the one thing I never had.” She coos, “But I’ve never had REAL LOVE. And now I’m like, “Wow, I saved the best for last. My heart. Aw.” ”
Tila has talked about being loved as a right and acts as if love is something that will just happen, given enough time. But it’s neither and when Tila admits that she doesn’t even know if she loves herself and can’t manage to even follow her own poor advice, it seems hard to believe that she is truly ready and deserving of the kind of relationship that she claims to want.
None of this matters to the bad-ass author as she continues. She talks about wanting to be with a person that’s strong and loves her for who she is. She writes, “I want to build a life with someone until the day I die. That’s all I want.” As if you think that Tila was showing real emotion and coming down out of her persona for a second, don’t get too hasty.
The next part is, “I know, after this book comes out, everyone’s going to be writing to me like, “I can be the one. That sounds perfect! That’s ME!” And I’m like, “Great, so now I’ve got to do season three. LAST CALL for Love with Tila Tequila. Just as long as I find it!” ” So the show that Tila admitted did not capture the real her, the show that she said her feelings weren’t even real for during the second season, the show that she said almost killed her, she’s willing to do another season of it.
All for love? Or all for the chance to be on TV and promote herself again? The fact that she ends this chapter by talking about how all of her fans will be rushing to marry her and she will be forced to once again perform for an audience of millions on TV is a clear indication that love, commitment, and romantic fulfillment is not something that she’s really looking for.
Want to read all sections in this review? Click here.
[Image: Tila Tequila wearing a strapless black outfit. Her hands are above her head, her hair is covering one eye as she looks at the camera.]
Tila begins this chapter with another reference to her unhappy childhood. She writes, “If anyone should suck at relationships, it’s me. Mean, how the hell do you know what love means when you’ve never experienced it from your family? So yeah, my childhood kind of messed me up.” Which seems apparent by her copious mentions of it. Yet she never goes into exactly how this happened or why it effected her so tragically. Of course, she also never even gives passing mention to her bipolar disorder. Which begs the question; why mention her incredibly difficult childhood at all if she’s just going to gloss over it? The answer may become clear in the outro.
Relating how hard it is for her to trust people and learn to love, Tila launches into the first section, “Bootcamp for the Heart”. She starts off talking about her reality dating show, A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila. She insists, “Let me tell you, my feelings were NOT fake! At least, not the first season.” So her feelings in the second season were fake? Also, she admitted previously that she was not acting like herself during the show. So even on the first season, how can her feelings be real if her actions were not? Tila dances around the truth about her show and her entire “real” persona for the entire book. In the end, whether she genuinely does anything is a complete mystery.
But she bravely presses on. She insists that every episode was unimaginable heartbreak. Tila moans, “Hell yeah, it was hard. It almost killed me.” Even for someone being overly dramatic, I find this hard to believe. She already stated that how she acted during the show wasn’t really her and then openly admitted that her feelings weren’t even real for the entire second season. So how exactly does that equate to her developing real feelings and having said real feelings crushed by the exit of people that she asked to leave?
Anyway, Tila relates being on her show to how she had always been so tough and uncaring in order to get through her childhood. She writes, “It was to the point where I didn’t realize that I had so much love inside of me because I’d repressed it for so many years. So no matter what else came out of it, and how much hate I had to weather as a result, I’m glad I did the show.” It’s statements like this that truly worry me for Tila’s health. She sounds like she needs therapy. She didn’t allow herself to feel love? She repressed these feelings? She only discovered them because of an exploitive, base TV show? Tila needs a professional to talk to. Not a girlfriend, not a boyfriend, not a person that wants to get drunk and act ridiculously on television, but someone that is actually providing support for her that has the education and training to deal with the problems that she experiences.
The next section is called “A Real Honest-to-God Bisexual”. As Tila feels the need to inform us of her legit bisexuality yet again. She argues, “No, I am not some fake, porno bisexual who just makes out to get attention or make guys hot.” Which makes you wonder why she gives so much credibility to the idea that she isn’t bisexual that she has to restate it again and again. Tila insists that MTV knew that she was bisexual before she was ever offered the show. She states, “I am a very sexual person, but that doesn’t mean it’s all about Girls Gone Wild and being stupid and flashing your tits for some crappy plastic jewels. That’s how I feel like I’ve been portrayed since the show.”
It’s strange that Tila wants to declare herself completely sex positive, then she openly shames woman who display their breasts, regardless what they get in return for it. Also, she previously described her own behavior on her show as “Girls Gone Wild”. So if she admits that she acted just how she’s claiming that she’s being portrayed, how exactly is that surprising?
Tila then insists that straight celebrities are never interviewed about how straight they are. Which is a good point and something worth mentioning, as it’s an example of social inequality. But just as soon as she makes that single point, without much elaboration, she announces, “Let’s get to the GOOD STUFF. Here are some tips for making your relationships hot and happy.” Let’s see what she suggests.
The next section, “Be Yourself,” opens swiftly with Tila announcing, “I know it sounds bullshit and obvious. But it’s so true.” Tila then talks about how when people try to fake it, it’s pathetic and forced. She announces, “Overdoing it is not being confident. It’s just annoying.” But Tila has already advised lots of things that might go against being who someone is. A highly sexual person might want to have sex before Tila’s imaginary time limit. A shy woman might not feel comfortable smiling and giggling at every man in the room. What is someone to do when they’re told to do something they might not want to do then told to do whatever it is that they want to do?
In the following section, “You Can’t Fake It” Tila announces, “I’ve never pretend to be something I’m not with my music, or my personality as a artist.” Which again brings up Tila problematic relationship with her own authenticity. If her true personality is captured in her music, then she has more problems than people viewing her as fake. Her music is at times violent, emotionally abusive, and even ableist. If her music speaks to who she really is, that person is a deeply troubled individual that needs far more than to prove that she’s “real”.
But Tila continues without even the slightest bit of self-reflection. She announces that people deciding not to work with you in business can be hard, but it’s just like the same in relationships. She writes, “If you try to change me, or make me into this other person, then it’s like, hey, well, I guess we’re not made for each other then, are we?” Which is a very astute observation. However, it makes me wonder if Tila stops to take other’s opinions into consideration even when they’re trying to help her. When you stop taking any and all advice, you close yourself to good advice as well as bad. And sometimes we need the point of view of another person to improve ourselves and point out what we aren’t aware of.
However, Tila seems to realize this, although she clearly fails to apply it in any meaningful way to her own life. She advises her fans, “It’s NOT okay to change them [someone you like], unless you’re helping them to be more confident and make their dreams come true.” Which seems like a strange thing to state. Given that she takes no one else’s advice, but also because it’s not up to another person to make someone else’s dreams come true. Only they can do that. Supporting someone to achieve their dreams is one thing, but that’s not what she’s stated.
Tila then relates, “Like me, for example, I’m really high-strung. I talk really fast. I get a little bit excited when I speak. I’m passionate. I have a temper sometimes. You can’t just come in here and say, “You know what? You should start speaking calmly all the time and try to be quieter.” ” People telling women to quiet down and be calmer is a societal problem, not just one that Tila faces. Women are trained to be demur and silent and quickly corrected if they are anything but. Learning to develop your own voice and use it is a very powerful thing. But somehow this message falls a little flat when coming from a woman that uses what little power she had to complain about people that dislike her and call other women straight-up bitches.
She ends this section with this, “Everyone has the right to be loved for who they are.” Which is not a right. No one has a right to be loved. Love is earned, not given. For all of the messages about being yourself and not bending for anyone, some people that take this advice use this ideology to be as rude, shallow, and uncaring as they want and demand that everyone accepts the “real” them. No one owes it to you to like you, accept your ideas, be your friend, be your date, or allow you use of their genitals. These are all choices that other people get to make. And if all you can do is promote hatred, intolerance, and stereotypes, then you don’t get to claim that you deserve love.
And no, I’m not talking about Tila here. I’m talking about people in general that have had it drilled into their heads so much that they have a right to love that they don’t stop and realize that they need to act like decent human beings for that to be true. There is no more need to share this toxic idea that you can literally do whatever you want and everyone is supposed to fall at your feet with admiration. If you want to exist within a society or social group, you have act appropriately. If you want to hang out with atheists you can’t keep talking about how hell fire will burn them all. If you want to hang out with feminists, you can’t insist that women deserve rape for the crime of having a vagina. Human society doesn’t work like that. And it shouldn’t either.
But Tila presses on with her relevant advice. She asks her readers to recall when she told them to wait to have sex. She then announces, “Because, let’s be honest, a good date is just an excuse to make out, right?” Uh, it is? To think I’ve been using dates as a chance to talk, get to know someone, enjoy their company, expand my mind with discussions of the world and human experiences, and learn about someone else’s point of view. It turns out I should have been just making out with everyone. What is wrong with me?
She expands on this idea. “You know, you plan it all out, watch a movie, have dinner, but then you just want to go straight back to the house, pretend to pop in a movie, and make out for five hours.” Who has time for that? Jesus Christ, I’ve been on some long dates, but there was no 5-hour make out session. I think my face would be numb by that point. And honestly, I don’t have the sexual patience to go through many hot and heavy make out sessions without mentioning where my condoms are kept.
Tila completely disagrees. She talks about how exciting it is to be a kid that has never had sex and, “hide in the closet and kiss for hours, and it was the most exciting thing ever.” She adds, “As an adult, we forget that feeling sometimes. We just assume we’re going to have sex. It can be so blah, blah, blah, been there done that.” If I felt that bored with sex, I wouldn’t be having it. If I don’t want to have sex with a person, I don’t. If I do want to have sex with a person and they want to have sex with you, then what the hell is the problem exactly? I personally only find it frustrating to hold off on sex and due to previous experiences, I see no point to. Waiting to have sex has never made a man stay with me longer, just like having sex has never made a man leave me sooner.
Disregarding any other thoughts on the topic, Tila insists that making out without actually having sex is the best thing to do for your relationship. She writes, “Believe me, the tension will build, and when you finally give it up, it will be HOT.” I find her language choice interesting. Sex is not something that women give men. Women don’t lose something and men don’t gain something when they engage in sexual relations. Sex will be what it will be, regardless of the time line that preceded it. Sex with someone you’re compatible and interested in will be exciting no matter when you have it. Sex with someone who communicates poorly in bed and doesn’t care about their partner’s pleasure is going to be awful no matter how much you hold off.
In the next section, “Mixing It Up,” Tila talks some more about sex. She mentions how she enjoys role play and recalls that she’s been a teacher, a nurse, and her favorite, a maid. She then states, “That’s the whole point of having sex; you’re free to escape into this fantasy world.” I find it automatically dubious when someone tries to give anyone the point of sex. Sex can be a lot of things. It doesn’t have to be one thing or another in order for it to “count” or mean something. Sure, sex can be an escape. But some of the best sex I’ve ever had was with someone that I was very deeply in love with and I was me and he was him and we were two people exploring each other bodies. No fantasy or character could have ever topped the experience I had with him.
Tila then advises how to get your lover into the fantasy world. She writes, “How do you get someone to role-play with you? … Just initiate it, and your lover will catch on. The better you are at leading the way, the better your special someone will be at taking up whatever role you want to have played.” She then states, “I also think blindfolds are a lot of fun. Definitely with handcuffs.”
What she leaves out of all of this is the fact that the other person indulging in this fantasy should be completely aware, prepared, and consenting before you spring it on them. It’s rude and can even be harmful to your relationship if you take things too far without knowing how your partner feels about a certain thing. A person that has experienced rape or sexual assault might be terrified by the idea of being blindfolded during sex. Someone that was once physically restrained against their will could panic if their partner, who is someone they trust, handcuffs them without warning.
Exploring new desires and incorporating kink into your relationship can be a fun and exciting thing, but everyone needs to openly discuss it and set boundaries before it happens. When you’re both naked and panting is no time to ask someone what they think about bondage. Being kinky means being responsible and respecting the other person’s experience and wishes. Don’t put your partner into a position where they don’t feel comfortable or safe.
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[Image: Tila Tequila reclining on her side wearing a teal and yellow bikini. She is looking at the camera. ]
Tila carries into the next section, “Pleasing the Ladies”, with some advice for men. She tells them that women do not like arrogance, catcalls and, alert’s men who think, “that we like it when they’re like slapping us on the ass, going, “Damn, nice ass” – That’s disgusting. Go rent some porn and jerk yourself off, because you’re not going to get a real woman.”
Tila continues that if you want to date a girl, you need to compliment her when she’s around other attractive women. She writes, “If you go out somewhere, and you see lots of hot chicks around, does it hurt you to give her a compliment, just so she feels like, okay, my lover loves me, even though there are all of these beautiful women around? Girls can be insecure. That explains the cattiness. Say something nice about how your girl looks. It’ll go a long way.” Really? I mean, really?
Not all women are insecure, catty, and desperate for compliments. Not all women use other women as a measuring stick for their personal worth. Not all women need their partner to fawn over them and reassure them. Tila self-projection throughout the book just gets more and more worrying. For all of her endless self-esteem talk, if she can’t manage to be in a room with other women without needing a compliment to feel comfortable, something is very clearly wrong.
But she’s not done yet! Women are so complicated with their horrible neediness and personal flaws. Tila informs the male readers, “Ladies are very complex creatures. We are emotional. We are a little bit overly dramatic. Sometimes we do things we don’t mean to, because we just can’t help it.” You know why some people do some things that they just can’t help? Because they’re bipolar and experiencing an episode. Not all women are so emotional and dramatic that they can’t keep a handle on their emotions every day. At this point, it just seems like Tila is trying to excuse her own bad behavior.
Why was she acting catty and mean to other women during a night out? She’s a woman and she’s emotional! Why did she blow up at someone over a stray comment the other day? She’s naturally overly dramatic! Stop oppressing her with your rules of civility, she can’t possible follow them with all of the estrogen she has trapped in her body! All people have points where they get overwhelmed and do something that they regret. But treating this like a female problem and no only that, but as an unavoidable one is infantilizing and pointless. Women are able to act like rational human beings and women should not be exempt from acting like decent people because of their menstrual cycles. Stop treating femininity like a medical problem and start treating women like people.
But Tila’s not done with her advice for the poor men that are supposed to love and support these impossible women. She tells them, “No matter how crazy we get, just sit back and go, “You know, my girl is dramatic. She’s a chick. That’s just how it is.” ” Yes, men, don’t treat women like equals worthy of consideration. Treat them like children that need time outs and redirection for their behavior. You are not so much in a relationship with another adult. You’re the ring leader of the estrogen circus. Wear your top hat with pride.
Tila is hardly finished with her insights into her own gender. She states that women relate to people by talking. As if that’s universally true. She then says, “Sometimes girls want to talk about stuff that’s off-limits, like your ex-girlfriend… Just ask yourself, where is this coming from? Apparently she’s bringing it up because she loves you a lot, and she feels insecure, and wants to make sure you love her as much as she loves you.” Of course, why else do women perform actions in the real world if not out of insecurity? Also, asking someone about an ex-girlfriend is a perfectly appropriate question for someone in a relationship.
It’s not first date material, but after you’ve gotten to know someone, it’s common to discuss what happened in the previous relationship, including why it ended. This gives a partner insight into the other person and helps to discuss their past and why they might react to certain things the way they do. For example, I once talked to a man that had a million “crazy ex-girlfriend” stories. All of the women that he dated were completely insane according to him. He never realized that the common denominator in every relationship was him. I’m quite sure that if he ever talks about me, it’s to add to me his list of crazy ex-girlfriends.
But anyway, Tila has a completely different way of looking at it. She instructs the man to sooth his savage beast of a girlfriend and tell her that it doesn’t matter and that they can’t talk about it anymore. She adds at the end, “She just wants to know you’re not going to leave her and go back to your ex.” As if that’s the only reason why someone would bring up an ex. Also, why include this in the book at all? Are all women so fucking insecure in Tila’s estimation that she needs to make sure guys know how to handle a common situation whenever it eventually crops up?
Tila then launches into more dating advice. Because what she had to offer in the previous chapter was just so goddamn helpful. In this section, titled “Rules of the Road” she starts off by stating, “My rule is like, look, I’ll call someone at MOST twice.” She then says that calling more than that is just pathetic and the guy is clearly not interested. She then starts to discuss how girls need their girls’ nights out, just like guys need time to play video games. She writes, “If you love her, be sure to be nice to her friends. You want them all swoon over you as well and be like, “Oh my gosh, dreamboat!” Be a gentleman and be sweet to all their friends and family… Even if you’re thinking, “I can’t stand these bitches,” just pretend. It will go far.”
Sure, then, once you get married, you can keep pretending for the rest of your life! How fun does that sound? The people that a woman surrounds herself with says a lot about who she is as a person. It also greatly helps to get along with these people. No one is expecting you to be best friends with everyone that your partner likes, but if you can’t get along with the people important in her life, how do you think the relationship is going to turn out? You will be faking interest and enjoyment for literally the rest of your time with them. And that’s not healthy for anyone.
After spending almost two chapters talking about straight relationships, Tila finally delves into her bisexual side. She begins this section, “Lady Love”, with this gem, “One of the reasons girls date other girls is there’s just this easier connection, like I explained earlier, and we understand that we’re emotional.” In some ways I do find women easy to connect with and be close to. But I don’t sleep with them. Because I’m not generally sexually attracted to them and feeling connected with someone has nothing to do with whom you’re attracted to.
But we’re once again back to Tila’s encompassing opinion that women are so emotional that they have a hard time relating to anyone not in their gender. She is hardly letting it go, either. She continues to talk about women’s connections to each other, “We feel a level of comfort and trust immediately, as opposed to be with a guy and feeling like, “Oh, I don’t know how I should act, and I don’t know when I should call. I don’t know if I’m coming on too strong.” With another girl, it’s like you can be as honest as you want and not worry about freaking her out.” We do? We can? Also, why can we be honest with other women when we have to lie to men?
I’d love to know why Tila believes that her personal experience is universal. Because a lot of her experiences are opposite of mine and the way she states things, like all of her thoughts and opinions are facts, doesn’t leave room for diverging experiences. But Tila doesn’t even hesitate as she bravely presses on with more of her razor-sharp observations. “Me, personally, when I’m with a girl, I play the guy role.” Because gender roles are totes a good thing and something we really need to be continuing. Especially when we’re not even talking about heterosexual relationships.
Tila then pens, “But sometimes, because I’m not a guy, when I do want to feel like a woman, and I don’t want to have so much power all the time, then it’s nice to go back to a guy. That’s when I get to be really girly and cute.” So let’s go over what Tila said in these two sentences.
- In relationships, men have the power.
- In her relationships with women, Tila takes the power and becomes the “guy” in the relationship.
- When she doesn’t want to be in charge, Tila dates a man.
- Women that are girly and cute can’t be in power or in control in relationships.
That’s a lot of ground. It seems strange that someone claiming to be so ultra progressive in life is so far behind in relationships. Gender roles are not a good thing nor something that needs to be coveted and upheld like the right of kings. Women can be in control in whatever relationship they chose. They can also do it while being girly and cute. Tila keeps inventing problems where they don’t exist. But just when Tila finishes talking about how in control and masculine she is in her relationships with women, she then writes about her the first time she fell in love with a girl.
In the next section, coyly titled, “My First Time,” Tila relates that she had a very close female friend and while she had experimented with girls and had female crushes, she was platonic friends with this person for over a year. The social anthropologist claims, “She had her boyfriends, and I had my guys, and then we’d come back together and be like, “Guys are fucking stupid!” ” Because how else can you bond with women other than over the limitations of men?
She continues that they hung out together a lot and then one day, after not seeing each other for a few days, the girl presented her with a card and said that she had missed her. Tila then stayed up all night with her, talking and hanging out and when she saw her female friend looking sad that morning she asked her if she was falling in love with her. The girl admitted that she was.
Both of the young women involved had never been in love with someone of their same gender before. Tila writes that they took their relationship slow and didn’t even admit to other friends that they were a couple. She then writes that, over all, the relationship didn’t work out, but she still thinks fondly of this woman. She finishes the chapter with, “But I’ll always have a place for her in my heart. And whether it’s with a man or a with a woman, and whether it lasts or not, it’s still LOVE.”
At this stage, it’s hard to know what point she’s trying to make. Yes, relationships are important whether or not they lead to marriage or lifelong commitment. Yes, all relationships are important, whether they’re with someone of your gender or the opposite gender. But the final thought on the relationship being that it was love, seems strange. Especially given to how casually and meaninglessly Tila uses that word. She makes it sound as if she tells the barista at Starbucks that she loves them when they make her drink correctly and say her name right.
What does love really mean to Tila and how does she even define it? These two questions are never answered in this book and that leaves a lot of her advice and her experiences rather vague. She later writes in another chapter that she “loves love” and other projectile word vomit where she uses the word “love” about 50 times in one paragraph. But for all of her claims about the emotion and experience she leaves her readers with a very shallow understanding about what she actually thinks about it.
During her TV show, Tila treated love like a commodity that other people had to display in order for her to pick and chose from them. She openly admits that the girl that was on A Shot As Love does not represent who she really is. So is there anyone, even Tila herself, that knows exactly what she thinks about love and these experiences?
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